You can't craft honor
Character a clear birthmark
Darkness a defect

I lose last battle
Your attention awarded
To somebody else

Is it hard to take?
Caring for one so little
Who craves you so much

Giving my word that this time I will change
Promise kept for once indeed is something strange
Read lips when I say to you "Help me stay strong"
Painting your flaws red will always feel wrong
The way to reach goals is to grow to rely
On each other til the storm passes us by
It's learning to trust without question or concern
In rain until this painful period is adjurned
Waiting for strength to flood limbs
Clear each cloud away that dims
To dance on fingertips so near
Keep looking but it never reappears

Ripped emotions grip tight
On a roller-coaster riding
Show you my ups and downs
Darker side not hiding

Sometimes drops are slight
When my disposition is sweet
But don't dare to push the wrong button
Or I'll have you flying out of your seat

Although I may appear normal
Never doubt what is underneath skin
Past my grinning surface chaos is clear
Throughout thoughts is perversity prowling within

Put me into a locked padded cell
To completely lose my mind
Uncontrollable mood swings are not what I choose
Sanity snaps leaving reality behind

All my days are bad ones without you
Look to the sky like "what should I do?!"
The way I'm living would surely evoke a frown
In grave probably rolling completely upside-down
Thinking back when problems were few and so small
Universe seemed so frightening but you weren't scared at all
But presently I realize you kept your fears hid
Type of bravery that is heroic to a kid
I would forfeit anything to rewind time to those days
Hate that you are gone at least the memory stays
Found how to love myself by looking through your eyes
Reflection in the mirror today I don't even recognize
A lot would do differently if I had a second chance to change
Take all the hurtful words and for compliments exchange
Steal all the ways I treated you so ******* bad
Erase decisions that in the end made your soul feel sad
Now you are not here to view me turn my life around
Kills me to know I lost the opportunity to make you proud
But I still try because it's what you deserve
To make up for always getting on your last nerve
And if somehow watching me from afar
Hope you discovered how beautiful you truly are
And that you meant the world to me and so much more
In your absence it is difficult to remember what's worth breathing for
You were essential to daily routine
I loathe to myself for not telling you how much to me you mean
It was obvious I loved you because I told you almost every day
I never voiced APPRECIATION until you passed away
Now it is too late to express my gratitude
Last impression of me is my bratty attitude
You just wanted to spend hours with me but I had none to spare
After the amount you'd sacrificed I was too selfish to care
Yet never held against me my inconsideration
Unconditionally showering with adoration
I wish I regretted while you were still alive
So I apologized for all the attention I deprived
Now my neglect and unfairness haunt like a ghost
Ashamed I behaved childishly towards the one I cherish most
I assumed there would be time to rectify my actions later
Guess that is the consequence of being a procrastinator
And oh what heart wrenching lesson I have learned
By your generosity that forever will go unreturned
This remorse anchoring me to mistakes does weigh a ton
Shackles reminder of the ******-up **** I've done
I yearn for you to witness the sincerity when I speak
Whispering "I am sorry" for tears I caused to roll down your cheek
Presently dreams are only location sight is blessed by your face
Even there it's clear I am nothing but a disgrace
You once tamed insecurities like animals so wild
In the corner of my mind they sit piled
I'm working to scrape by without help from your hand
How could toes possibly walk when I am hardly able to stand?
Your guidance is vital to navigate road
Arms lack the strength to carry heavy load
But you taught not to quit even when things get hard
What doesn't **** will make me stronger although it may also leave me scarred
So in your honor will continue dragging along my feet
For success strive when it'd be simpler to admit defeat
Because I desire to be courageous like you were and confident too
It was as if a light switched on the instant you stepped in the room
You were one of a kind
Impossible to replace
No distraction capable of filling the empty space
But I will eventually acclimate to life void of your touch
Though at this moment all I can focus on is how I miss you too much

I cannot escape memories
Absence haunts all I do
When eyes close your face is what mind sees
Every place I go there are traces of you

Why did you choose to abandon me?
You were 'the one'
I guess I was not
Extinguished flame of everything we could be
All I am is a spark you forgot

The saddest thing is state of this world
In eerie indoctrinated paralyzation
Beautiful globe that once triumphantly twirled
Now in serious need of proper navigation

The rest of your life has just begun
Time folds itself
A finger on the trigger of a gun
Hand wraps around to help

I get why you don't want to celebrate this year
Scared of turning 54 without the person you hold so dear
This pain may be fierce
Threatening to swallow whole
Closed eyes will not stop sadness from taking control
Life never will be perfect
Future
The present
Past
Open sight to beauty around
Though it never lasts
Time will not ever heal your heart
Will bleed a bit until you die
You will get stronger every day
Trust eventually your tears will dry
I fight large emotions underneath skin
Losing battles for the moment with the hope that one day I might win
Loss is heavier than any anchor ever weighing us down
So much sorrow written on face I see it without hearing one sound
I wish I could steal your greif and seal the abysmal hole
How can I when I can't even repair my own soul?

I hate what I put my heart through every day
Memories replayed to keep darkness at bay
A wave of nostalgia shelters from life's storm
Brain and I huddle in an attempt to stay warm
Feelings fluctuating
Too cloudy to find clarity
In this place any portion of freedom is a rarity
When I was younger joy answered call so **** fast
Now that I am running in circles it's stuck in the past
To chase off demons set negative thoughts ablaze
Instead of fleeing the heat they frolic amidst the haze
Giving way to pieces
Smoldering thoughts that make me reminisce
No matter how I struggle I will never stop searching for bliss

I find myself bowing underneath great weight
Dripping anxious regret
Sipping old memories sweeter than sugar
Useless dreams have all gone quiet
World colder than felt before
Through fingers slipping like sand
Do not do anything but sleep and eat
Speaking words nobody seems to understand
My sole escape is through memories of yesterday
How I cope with the grief of living without your touch
Sympathetic whispers not helping to soothe this agony
Head spinning in circles because this torture is too much

Snow falls heavy on head of Earth
Weight added as this mighty rock spins
Might be spring according to the calendar
Icy powder covers the dancing tree limbs
March choreographing slow routine
Time taken to feel sun's warm glow
Movements meticulously placed
We patiently wait for greenery to grow
Each morning rises giving way to new roots
Relying on heat that stays out of sight
Looking forward to the colorful weeks ahead
Good weather to melt the frozen cloak of white

And should the darkness reach you
Seeping around soul
Be ever still
Silent too
I will lift you from that hole

For wakening stifled sin
Soft and weary sighs
Heal this wound created within
Make it numb with lies

The sand burrowing deeper
Every grain burns like fire
Fears fed to the grim reaper
Spirit growing tired

Real life is not always pretty
Not coated in sugar
Glitter
Or gold
Few bask in rays of sunshine
Most shiver in the cold
Life is not fairytales
No "happily-ever-after"
Why you must forget the tears
Focus on the laughter
Stories seemingly end the same
Agony
Strife
Or sorrow
Though deep down we know things won't change
Hope for a better tomorrow

There's nothing anybody can say
That causes me to view you bad
There's no point in riling me up
Will only make me at you be mad

What happened between back then and right now?
Both our brains are unsure how
To proceed from here on out
Can't stay with all this doubt