A smudge
appears in the corner
of the eye,
of the view,
of sight.
Wipe away
the tear-less dripping drop.
Amethyst coated
fingers nervously working
to achieve perfection,
hoping that no one payed attention
to the flaw,
the flaw that is one among many,
the flawed that is one among many.

Maybe her make-up is smudged,
maybe she sees herself as one.

My lips are bleeding.
It's because you have kissed them.

Snowflakes fall to the earth like suicide jumpers.
And I laugh because if I don't I have to listen to the silence.
Or worse.
And I laugh because I don't want to hear myself crying.

Waiting for icicles to form, and splinter, and crack under their own weight --
These are the games that plague souls;
Wishing away the snow with feet planted in blizzards,
Staring at the moon and trying to bathe in the last dripping morsels of sunlight shining onto the earth.

I lay buried so far beneath laughter and snowflakes that I am too cold to touch.
Touch me and scatter the blisters on my tongue,
For words are only dipped in honey, but it cannot hide the hollows inside.

And here I am, like a snowflake.

I am so cold
I am so numb
I am so old
I am so young
I am so empty
I am so done
I am so scared
I am so dead

I'm a *****,
But don't call me that,
I sleep little,
And drink my coffee black.

I miss the way you would hum to me
with your lips moving on my bare back...

I miss the way you'd look into my eyes
from above, me on your bedroom floor...

The face you see in the mirror
The sloppy scrawling penmanship
The voice that can't carry a tune
The sun tanned arms and pale white chest

   Are all can think about as I try to fall asleep at night

your perfect eyes
the curve of your lips
your pianist hands
and dear God, your hair

they way you keep to yourself
intentional or not
intrigues me and everyone else

i don't feel like i have to impress you
do you know how long it's been
since i wasn't at the beck and call of a him
bending breaking at his every whim

when you are tired the look in your eyes turns me on
when you are excited the look in your eyes turns me on
when you just look at me, it turns me on

you are so smart, oh so intelligent
precise, focused, driven when you need to be

you respect my wish not to be touched
though sometimes i wish you wouldn't

i love that you are awake at ungodly hours
and that you take the time to talk to me
not many do, certainly none as intoxicating as you

I can still feel the wrongness of your fingers caressing me
I can still feel my heart beating so hard it's trying to jump out of my throat
I remember trying to move your hands off of me
I remember your hands kept coming back
It broke me when you held me still
It broke me when you got to decide
I'm still numb from wanting to love a monster

Maybe if I fight he'll go away
Maybe if I fight he'll give up
Maybe he can't see I don't want this
Maybe he can't tell
Maybe I did something wrong
Maybe if I stop moving he'll stop
Hands
There are hands everywhere
My hair my throat my chest my thighs
Maybe he can't tell I'm crying since it's dark
There are hands and they won't let go of me
There are hands that rip out my heart
And they leave it
Right there on the floor
He steps on it before he leaves

I hate that what I want from you
Is something you don't want to give me
I hate that I look at other faces
And I graphically dissect what ifs

S                          
O                F              
M               I                M
E                N               E
O               D
N
E

I love to see you run up and down the field
Your body being pushed forward
You are so glorious
I'm sitting here thinking
     I'd willingly turn into a block of ice
     So I could just keep watching you
Silently cheering for you more than you could know
I don't know what it is about watching you play
Muscles taught, face intense
That pushes me to the edge
I could watch you forever

i want to scream in your face
because of what you say
stop being him
stop being him
i am not a game
can't we just be straightforward
for one **** conversation
stop dancing around me
stop fishing me in and giving me slack
i want to scream in your face

The Stars envy the Moon
To her face they smile, they coo
But when she turns the other way
And darkness takes her place
Stars weep for themselves anew

The majesty, the flirtation,
The pure and devout adoration
Timelessly given to her
Yet in the Moon nothing spurs
Stars burn in their frustration

She is too cold to the touch
To deserve idolizing so much
Even blocking out the Sun
The Moon's admirers cheer on
To new resolve Stars quickly clutch

The Stars envy the Moon
Simple and still she brings swoons
The Moon is all their poetry
Their art too, so nobly
Stars know what they must do

They are too far and too small
Only regarded as beauty when they fall

Hey.
             Hey.
Stay?
             Nay.
Okay...

I hate myself at least 20 times a day
For being unable to make you stay.
It's my fault, I pushed you away.

You spoke to me again today,
Filled me with regret that I let myself sway.
It wasn't a game I knew how to play!
When did love become so hard anyway?

For another chance, to God I pray,
And any price I'm willing to pay.

I'm sorry that from you I went astray,
Then returned and at your feet myself I did lay.
I made our skies dark and gray;
The bonds between us began to fray.

I'm so sorry for the mess I must say,
But to me again you've found your way.

I just hope this time we both stay...

remember that thing
that thing you hated
that thing i made you do
that thing we are going to do together
i am going to see you today
really see you
actually see you
for the first time
the first time ever
the first time in two years
two long years
you will see me
remember me, the girl
remember me, the girl
say you'll remember me
that girl you called
you called
you called me Maybe and i called you forever
you and i
remember that thing you hated
that thing we're going to do today

My skin is wrapping paper
I want to tear off

But I can't let you
See what's inside
So I stay disguised
As an ungly present
Imperfect and bulging

No one will open me
Christmas morning
Because I'm the nightmare
Before, during, and after

However I'm already ripped
And as you get glimpses inside
I don't blame you for running away

That's about me
Talking about me
You hate me
I know you're looking right at me
Talking about me
Laughing at me
Pointing at me
Whispering about me

Who am I to tell myself what I am?
To think I can evaluate my life is a lie;
I'm not even sure I am real.
Talking myself up will only lead me to fail.

To think I can evaluate my life is a lie.
Protecting my skin will surely lead me to break,
Talking myself up will only lead me to fail.
Dying is the only way to live.

Protecting my skin will surely lead me to break --
I am not worth the wasted efforts of vitality.
Dying is the only way to live.
If everything is vanity, why not be nothing?

Who am I to tell myself what I am?
I am not worth the wasted efforts of vitality.
If everything is vanity, why not be nothing?
I'm not even sure I am real...

Perhaps it's absurd to be this concerned
yet I fret I won't see you again.
And I know it's alright
and just one more night,
but in your eyes I see our end.
The end of your mom's teasing
and your laugh as you shrug her off;
the end of John's timid delight
as we play our noise through the night
in a cautiously curious sound;
the end of your father and me
jeering to hockey --
a sight already rare to be found.
I don't want to miss
the joy and the bliss
in moments you are around.
Call me a child,
immature, naive, or too mild
but your smile is too captivating for rhyme.

I know I laugh too loud
   I like to stay up too late
   My jokes aren't always funny
   And I'm not super into frisbee

I'm afraid of water
   Math is my sworn enemy
   I paint with too much paint
   And I flirt as well as a rock

But you wake up early
   Run the extra mile
   Just to bring me my tea
And I wish I knew how to thank you

Mother, you were good to me. You loved me in your own way that I didn't always understand. Don't blame yourself.
Father, you loved me, I suppose. I can't say that you cared though, at least, not about me.
Brother, don't turn out like me, make something of yourself. Don't try to become anyone else, to impress people, to fit in, just be yourself. Stop being so violent, it will get you into trouble.
KB, I know you never really picked me and I didn't quite pick you, but I think maybe God did, picked us for each other. You were the best friend I could have ever hoped for. Thank you for everything. I wish I could have shown you what you meant to me.
EK and EC, you were the best friends who could be depended on even though you weren't properly appreciated. I'm sorry.
AJ, God, you re-instilled in me the hope that people can change, that people can be beautiful. Thank you for Fridays, for my birthday, for Brazil, and for picking up at 2 a.m.
AK and DF, you were the most inspiring and genuine friends I've ever known. Thank you for showing me friendship.
JW, don't stop singing, playing, and laughing- you are music people should dance to.
KJ and MG, my oldest friends, thank you for never leaving me long. You are both so lovely, only accept what you truly deserve, please, okay?
MO, try not to be too naive or too much of a smart ***, alright? And thank you, for being part of my 'theme' and proving a point.
Finally, AM, I haven't known you long, but thank you for letting me need you.

Don't miss me, but don't forget me.
I love you all.

I drown in sadness
I don't let go
It's my curse
The curse of strings
Tied so tightly they choke me
I can't break the bonds
No matter how I try
I am caught in a web
Of memories
Of hope
Of dreams
Of the past
Cut short
By me
I am a knife
A knife that can't cut myself loose
Only scare away
I threaten, I menace
Yet I remain bonded

I suppose even the sharpest blades have their limits

It feels like betrayal to say your name
     So I don't
          I don't say it out loud
               I don't identify you
                    It feels crooked
                         It feels wrong
                    To maintain normalcy
               I spit it out
         It feels acidic
     After choking it down
I want to be here
    I'm addicted to you
         But saying your name
              When it was his too
                   Isn't a romantic confession
                        Just an adulterous taboo

I still want you, but I know know you aren't worth it.
You aren't worth it, so I'm over you.
So over you, that I dream about you.
I dream about talking to you.
Talking to you, I'd push you.
Push you back against the wall and tell you.
I'd tell you I want you and plant my lips.
I'd plant my lips all over you, making your skin bloom.
Skin bloom and desire sigh.
Desiring sighing, let's go somewhere private.
Somewhere private, I'll at last show you after months.
After months of built up ****** frustration, you'll see.
You'll see what I've been wanting for so long to show you.
I'll show you what you've been missing.

I get that I can't have everything.
       I don't have much now,
       But I'll give it up.

  Take all the money I don't have.
Take my food that I don't eat.
  Take the books I used to read.
Take my drawings, they're useless.
  Take this body no one wants.
Take even, dare I say, my poetry,
       After all, it is written for you.

But please, can't you just make me smile again?
I'd give everything to smile with you once more.

Well, I may not be perfect,
I may not seem worth it,
But I am me,
With all my insecurities.
... *Don't you think I'm lovely?