This time I shall be perfect,
                                  if you'll come back.

here i am.
how absurd is this,
the thought that,
happiness does exist.

we scoff
at the notion
that there might
be hope, and  

it's certainly
quite ridiculous.
to think anyone
could ever love this.

Where did you go
Why won't you come back
It makes me sad
To think of all I lack
Perhaps it's silly
And you'll think me a fool
But I can't deny
That I'm still in love with you...

I want to taste you
feel you
bite you
be with you
on you
under you

I want hands
everywhere
holding
grabbing
pulling
closer
closer

the intimacy
I wish to share
heat of your breath
heat of your touch
I will never get enough

you
ask to
see me

but my hips
are a little too
ragged right
now

to have
your hands
grabbing
at them

Cut away at my throat
You don't even know how deep the hatred runs in your veins
Sacrifice me in your diseased logic that traps your mind
Body and spirit broken beyond repair
You've always had a good heart
Please shut your mouth and still your hands

Summer will be here and we have to be perfect
I have to let my scars fade again
So at the beach you can prop me up as your rag doll
I just want to be invisible
All but one, I don't want to see me any longer
Faking functionality so that you can keep your pride

I just want to diverge and break off
Disappear to "where no one knows my name"
Well, all but one, the only one

I just had a memory
Of you skipping
Past me
In the streets of Brazil
At one in the morning

I just had a memory
Of you dancing
With me
In the streets of Brazil
At three in the morning

I just had a memory
Of you dipping me
Close to kissing me
In the streets of Brazil
At four in the morning

i was near hanging
standing on the chair
ready to stop breathing oxygen, air
i thought of you
and how we used to be
it pushed me closer to the edge
i thought i'd fall off
but then i remembered
how in your arms i always feel caught

crying and shaking
i made myself climb down
you are my wicked hope
you are my home
i need to keep breathing
if only just for you
you have saved me so many times
darling, i'm sorry and thank you

Please, tell me you're here to stay this time
            You are the only one I need to believe

Please, tell me I'm still somewhere inside
            You are the only one I might believe

Please, tell me you'll always have faith in me
            You are the only one I've ever believed

Please, tell me once again that you love me
            *You are the only one I want to believe

Tell me again how I'm fat
Tell me again how I'm a *****
Tell me again how I'm an idiot
Tell me again how I'm scared and marked
Tell me again how I'm useless

                                         I'm fast approaching 90lbs
                                         I'm practically a ******
                                         I'm in NHS and my GPA is high
                                         I'm a warrior wounded
                                         I'm a support group leader

Tell me again,
     because I already tell myself.
I'm so used to hearing lies,
      I'll believe them anyway.

Whether or not I was "asking for it"
Shouldn't matter

I can feel my lust grow
Each time you say hello

Thanks for the less-than beautiful breaks.
Thanks for the leaving leaving leaving.
Thanks for empty promise on top of empty promise.
Thanks for the words, every name I believe is true.
Thanks for the continued surprises, keeping the torment fresh, new.
Thanks for the wicked hope you've given me.

I'm thankful for the decay
And that no one stayed
I'm thankful for my scars
Setting me apart

Thank you for sharing your opinion
On something I didn't ask about

Thank you for generalizing groups
That aren't as like minded as you claim

Thank you for discriminating against views
That don't agree with your own

i miss lying next to someone in the dark staring at the ceiling at two am
i miss breathing in and out and into each other
fragile questions and answers juggled back and forth in a lopsided rhythm that barely makes sense
i miss giving away my heart and having it looked after, and tenderly holding another precious soul in my hands
the loneliness kept at bay by simple faith in each other
i miss having arms to run to when dark skies turn stormy

i miss the promises to never let go
                                 no matter how often they were broken

"Forever?"* is too long;
"Love me?" is too difficult;
"Stay?" is too needy;
"Hold me?" is too awkward...

Some how my questions are always wrong,
I just want to regain the love that I once felt;
But I'm left with broken bones and broken heart on the ground pleading,
And he dusts himself off, walking away telling me to *"keep going onward."

Why do I have to go to college?

          Why do I have to get a degree?

                    Why do I have to 'succeed?'

                    Can't I just travel with nothing but the clothes on my back?

          Can't I just be broke and live my life for the mere thrill of it?

Can't I just write and draw and write and dance and be me?

When did you grow up
Develop a strong jaw
Form muscles that wrap themselves
     about your sturdy bone
     and make themselves known
Stretch past my height
Become as swift as the sea
With your own rolling, rumbling voice
When did your curious hazel eyes stop wondering
      and start commanding
What happened to the little boy I once knew
When did you grow up

When did you grow up
Fall victim to the world's cruel ways
Become an addict like me
You were supposed to be the good one
     the ideal son
Get consumed by violence and rage
     hate was supposed to be my plague
Take on the persona of prosecutor and judge
     finding everyone guilty
Decide to help destroy me
What man is this you've become
When did you grow up

That guy who sketches in class.
Creating the images in his mind.
He sits silently, just out of notice.
But I see him.

His eyes are heavy but serene.
Their blue clarity
That sees something I can't see.

Oh, they do so much to me.

I'm just tired. Of everything.

Lay your head on my shoulder and rest

Kind and tender offer, truly touches my heart, but my head is too heavy a burden for me to rest on anyone.

I will take that burden as I hold my own. If I were Atlas the Titan holding the sky above I would still take that weight

You are beautiful.
Please don't stop being beautiful, love.
I no longer have a sky,
But you make me want to rebuild mine.
If only a piece.
You are a star,
Shining at night.
You are a lamp,
Shedding some light.
You are a hope,
Making me want to fight.
Want to fight.
But to weak to stand.

I will be your shoulder to cry on
I will be your arm to lean on
I will hold your hand when things get rough
I will light the way in your darkest times
I will be here to the end

I just want to cry but the tears won't come.

Why cry darling? You have no reason to shed tears

I'm so broken, ***, I'm two shards away from gone.

I can be the glue that holds you together. < holds you close > I will be here

Glue always seems to wash away with me
< curls into a ball >

Then I'm industrial welding. I'll be here for as long as you need and longer

Darling... you are a lovely piece of humanity, never lose that about you.

*Please just hang on [my real name]. I couldn't bear losing you.

If I'm white noise,
You're static.

With him, we exchanged pieces of our hearts,
But he was a fake from the start.

With him, he only wanted one thing,
And he took it away, with me breaking.

With him, I've always felt safe and secure,
But his feelings for me are a repressed blur.

With you...
There's so much I'd like to do...

I run the back roads
to our hill
and stare at Boston
in the distance

I wish you
were that close,
close enough to see
so I know you're there

I've been the girl with straight As
I've been the girl who is lusted after
I've been the girl with a flock of followers
I've been the girl who has everything

I've been the girl failing every course
I've been the girl rejected and used
I've been the girl ostracized, the victim, the joke
I've been the girl with nothing

I'm the girl drowning in her head
I'm the girl who has stopped eating
I'm the girl playing with blades
I'm the girl that hates her own life

I am shocked by the sight of you
How did you get here
You look the same
You look different
What did he do to you
You broken used little *****
And of course you go back
Just begging for more
Said you were ugly
Said you were dim
Just wanted your body
It's always about him
He tells you he needs you
And you pretend to believe that
Then he hits you
And you think you deserve it
Sends you away
Begging and cold
All you want is someone to hold
So here you are at four in the morning
You walking mistake
Finally come through the door
You look like ****
In fact you basically are
Only an idiot
Would let it progress this far
I'd say go to bed
But that's where you were
Begging for someone, anyone
Till he shoved you out his door
He is using you
And you him
So tell me, whose guiltier
**Of the greater sin

"Oh, you lured me in, I couldn't sense the pain"
    Of trying to hold onto a heart wrapped in barbed wire

My own heart pounding in my throat
I simply cannot let go
As the days turn to weeks
And the earth freezes over
I bleed out into the snow

      *The crimson crystals as intense as
      The fresh sting of pain
      That has been with me as long as I can remember

I am a love-drunk and depleted decay
Wide eyed, still aflame
Shredded like strips of paper that blow in the wind
Yet I fall apart only to keep close
Bleeding out, I am made all the more numb
By the promise of what lies just beyond

The leaves are golden

     And I am silver

The wind is a howl

     And I am a whisper

The river is frozen

     And I am a blister

The sun is rising

     And I am setting

The people are leaving

     And I am staying

The stars are twinkling

     And I am thinking

The night is alive

     *And I am ready to live again

Dead and alone
Needy as ****
Someone please help me
I'm losing my luck

I am my own favorite joke.

sometimes i wish i could stop breathing

so i could stop thinking

so i could stop seeing you,
and her

and feeling all alone.

She rises at night,
As new or full,
And she pulls him to his feet.

He rises at the sight of her,
A reflection of her old self,
Yet still illuminated
In her inconsistent darkness.

When she is unbalanced
He aches to compensate,
Attempts to return her kindness,
But he is left merely trying,
With her unsure of dying.

For the moon can raise the tide,
But the tide can't light the moon.

I choke and I panic
Because you can't love me
I claw at the windows of my soul hoping to break one
This stagnant air is suffocating
My prayers are that you aren't the tornado I fear you to be
******* up the remaining parts of me
Spin me around and spit me out
This is what attention is about
No validation
Only violation
Imploding expectations of the girl advertised
She is not the same as the prisoner inside
You can't love me, self
You never will

How do you breathe so silent?
I grow more and more
labored in each breath.
I remember the days
you told me to never be like you.
Well I’m not. I’m certainly different,

possibly worse.