At the age of twenty-five
I sat myself down for a long, long talk
About how I wasn’t really all that grown up.
“I can’t say no to you,
And perhaps I really should.
There was supposed to be marriages and babies,
All by this point.” I sighed
“But there’s been laughter and love
And millions of perfect moments,
So you have free reign.
Be whichever age you need to be.”

It sits in my chest.
I wish I could say it was heavy,
But it flutters about as it aches.
It feels like a ******* wound to my soul
And cold snow in my shoes
As it seeps into my bones.

In deciding what to have for tea
I let a few choices overwhelm me.

It started with Curiosity,
a subtle blend mixed with righteousness,  
a little guilt, a pinch of sadness, and
perhaps most important desire.

The aroma filled my head,  
as the tin lid slid to the counter.
But before it made its way into my cup,
I spied my jar of Anger.

As tempting as the frightening,
confusing, and fiery blend was;
I needed something a touch more satisfying.

So I pondered and wondered.
Glanced at Shame in its blue jar.
Regret crossed my mind,
a bitter brew indeed.

I heard a cough and turned to see
my apparent madness looking at me.
He made a face, wondrously bored
“I’ll take the mint melody.”

As she fell down the wishing well,
A stray thought wormed right in,
“Who am I?
Am I’m Alice? The one with travelled the Looking Glass?
The one who fought the Jabberwocky?
Or perhaps the one who lost her head?
My own head feels a bit lost,
So I must be her, falling down to reality.”

Heartbreak forced through the cracks,
Dripping heavy ichor, drip drops interminable.
Muscles and veins shredded,
Caught on rough stone edges.
Pulled by strings attached to your sharpened claws.
I scream soundless,
Beg for the end with my thoughts.
Beg for these dreams to vanish into the day.

Well, there had been a tree
All soft gray trunk,
Crawling with snails after the rain,
And carved with symbols of naïve love.
You couldn’t climb the branches to the sky,
But they could cradle you as you watched the world go by.

The Circles are calling!
As they circle round my head
Weaving me dizzy and divine
As we fall into the Circles of Hell.
I try to block them by feeling square
Only to form a triangle
The pressure builds
And lines are being bowed
Everything collapses into roundness
And my sanity goes.

Got the ring!
Oh the guests!
Flowers on the table
and on the cake too.
Veil fluttering about.
Pearls draped,
Vows exchanged.
Bands of gold glitter;
I now introduce to you...

To go back. It’s a fond wish.
One that’s locked up and buried deep,
Because it can never be fulfilled.

But in the dark corners of the night,
When the stars, eons old, dance
And the sweet temperate moon,
Washes the harsh day away.
I can pretend in my dreams.

In my memories you never left.
I went left instead of right.
That the hurt never happened.

And in these moments I’ll try to find,
What happened to my happiness.
When I find it again, then the dawn
Will no longer shatter my illusions.
Leaving me to drown in bittersweet reality

The shadows grab at my frayed heart
Reaching forth their cold hands
To pull me towards the coldness
Towards despair
Towards the darkness
Desperately I cling  
Cling to the edge
Cling to the small gleam of hope just beyond the horizon
Beyond my reach
I look back down at the darkness, at the cold dark abyss
And felt a part of me call out to the shadows
And heard them call back.
I almost let go, but I saw you in all your beautiful glory
Smiling at me from beyond the ages and beyond time
So I clung harder to the edge and to the hope still beyond the horizon
I looked at my pale, white hands and felt the sharp edges of rock cut into them
Cut into me
And I saw and felt the warm, red blood flow thickly from them
My life’s blood falling into the nothingness below
I looked above the edge one more time looking, reaching, for the strength to pull myself from this nightmare, this hell
Instead the moon’s pale silver light appeared above me
I smiled and looking up at the moon I let go of the edge
Let go of the pain,
Of the sadness,
Of the hate and anger,
Of the hurt,
I let go.
Down I fell not towards the darkness,
But towards the light
Upon a golden beam of light stood an angel.
Clothed in a flowing black robe and black feathers,
of softness and fragility .
There he was waiting for me, within his dark light.
The Angel of death
Of life
Of mercy
The angel of hope and love.
I landed gently next to him upon the golden light,
And looked with wonderment
Upon his graceful black wings
With a small smile he stretched out a hand towards me.
I took it and was immediately wrapped within his warm embrace
As he rose into the air with me in his arms, a feather of pure black fell and brushed my cheek and a true smile illuminated my face.
Now at long last my torn and frayed heart could mend.

I bite…
The tender fleshy part…
My tongue.
All at the risk,
of being bleed to death,
just for your
Quiet satisfaction!

A hand scribbles violently.
The pen carving through the lined paper.
Black Ink spilling out of the deep cuts,
Soaking into the pristine page.
Words blocking out the light,
By illuminating knowledge.
Strong, scared, and weary hands fight.

Entrancing power,
Dazzling…
Tremulous and treacherous
It left you vision-less
And so very hungry for more.

Blue
It flickered lazily in the back of my mind.
At the thought of letting go,
My mind became a pebble skipping across frigid waters.
Blue
It murmured in my ear, a breath tickling.
At the thought of falling,
Memories of heat and flames rose to meet
Blue

Breaking rhymes and little lies,
All I have left to toy with.
Spinning them into secret bottled messages
Leaving me replete with bitter silence.
The play is complete, the mask in place;
I’ll wait for my turn to break
A smile posed on my face.

I’m floating,
Just adrift in feeling,
Not fully one thing or another.
Except when I’m with you.
I get filled up with brightness,
So much, it overflows.
Spills out of me,
And  tries to fill the room.

I’m a cannibal.
We’ll let that sink in.
It takes moment to digest that thought.
Sorry I have terrible humor, I know.
Why and who?
Mostly myself, I cannibalize me,
To rearrange my understanding of self.
It doesn’t survive upon contact you see.  
So I slice and dice, chop and whip.
Until nothing irritates and the rot sets in.
Then I have to cut out the bad parts
And try to put myself back together again.
So you see it’s really not easy,
Being a cannibal.
But **** I bet the final product will be delicious.

To see the changes wrought by time
Plays sweet havoc upon my mind.
The twisting, folding, space of memories,
My only sanctuary,
from shattered dreams
and haunting hopes, that unleash from me a scream.
I sit and replay,
The reasons why I hoped you would stay.

You’re silent and still.
Chocolate bunny eyes
The only thing in motion.
Will they start with the ears?
Or go straight for the heart?

I think…
Well I’m mostly sure,
that I’d like to slip…
Slide my way into your thoughts.
Orient myself –
to your way of thinking.
Just for a moment…
Or two…
Or three…
To find that little bit of clarity.

I found myself wanting to pray.
To lift up my words and let them float away.
Instead I put ink down on paper.
Hammering and shaping them to display,
This sense of wrongness and decay.
I’ve been reintroduced to the light,
Only to see that I’ve been made from clay.

Blue eyes
Torturous and cruel
A cold beauty like
Windswept mountain lakes
Half frozen
Half there
Not reality
My soul catches,
Caught,
Trapped, frozen by
Memories of blue
But any shade of warmth
Has been stolen
By time
By distance
So I’ll sit and wait
For summer’s sun
To thaw my
Frostbitten heart

The cracks have appeared.
Wiggly lines stretched across
Such a flat mirrored surface.
They trace the hollows of my eyes,
The curve of my twisty cheeks,
Lines of thick black that fail to mar
My dreamless humanity.

Cravings for warm electric shocks,
Sweetened kisses
And quiet nothings whispered,
String me up in ephemeral filaments.
Sharp and seductive this fantasy.
Envelop me.
Saturate me in these dreams.
I crave nothing less than to be consumed.

Death, that lonely tarot card.
A silent grim specter
No one wishes to see.
It impinges upon the norm.
Egyptian curses scarier, more real.
Lacelike spider webs, the coldest steel.
Leafless trees, silhouetted against the storm.
Efficiently bringing portentous change.

“I love you.”
Reverberates in my flesh.
Words to destroy by,
Words shared with you.
Coward, I name you
As I ponder
The might have been.

Flip on the music
Flip on the water
(Try not to burn myself)
Grab the implement,
(A sponge with soap)
Let the mind ponder,
Cups first? Or perhaps
The plates.
How shall everything
Fit together within
The drying rack?

Dissatisfaction
Antiquation
Fustigation
Dereliction
Destruction

Splinters jabbed deep over time
It was just a drop that dripped out
That miserable first time
Now a river cuts through me.
How do I turn off the tap?

It shimmers just below the surface.
Damp fish scales
And that feeling of cold bile,
Rises to the surface.
That dreaded thought
Which you knew was the truth

It’s so dumb and not really the point.
I wish, I wish, I wish,
I could force you to choke on it.
With every verbal message you spew,
The more the realization that the sparkle and shine,
Was just a shackle of the basest iron.
One that you released me from yourself.
I wish, I wish, I wish,
I could force you to choke on it.
It’s so dumb and not really the point.

Breath dances along red-ribboned strands.
Memories brush my lips, its sweet touch
Bursts into starlight.  I’m held,
Pinned by the moonlight.
Two hands clasped in promise,
Like a lovely butterfly,
The grass cool and dark
An earthly mirror for the night.

The embers still spark.
I’d mute them with tears,
But oddly everything has dried up.
Everything is either hot,
Or harsh cold.
At this crossroads
I can’t take the middle path
And so I stand frostbitten and burning bright.

That spark of Inertia forced the cry from my throat
And slipped anguish into your tea.
Drowning the embers that burned there.
While you set my sin into the gears of a time-worn watch,
You sipped the licking flames,
And brought out your creation, with ticking twitching hands,
Into the day to burn.

In the still cool air of twilight
A gray rain falls
Changing the world to a dull blue
Quietly I watched
The remnants of the sun vanish
Beyond that horizon
Less fiery and bright
More cool and light
Peaceful and calm
A beginning rather than an end

There’s a grace to your thoughts.
Sleek and soft like a cat.
It sets me at ease, and
Sits in my soul, warm.
Everything that I could ever need.

I refuse to let your eyes look back.
The Past is nothing.
A lesson learned and forgotten.
Let it softly fade
And the stars shine bright.
Don’t ever look back.

I’ll sing you lullabies
Of sticky toffee
And Fairy’s wings.
Falling stars to taste.
Whispered rhymes,
My soul to take.
Rosy thorns that grew
Into golden thread
And tied, my heart to you.

It’s soft almost unnoticed,
As it steals up on me,
And fills me with shear warmth.
My quiet dreams fulfilled.
Desperate wished unneeded.
Whole at last and free.

I’ve toyed with fight or flight,
Had it freeze me in a nitrogen bath.
At the very innocuous sight of a face.
But the face just denoted
The crushing fear, that swallows me whole.
So I’m a runner and
I’ll hide in anything, including a frozen mind.
If I could I’d fight
One of these days I will fight.
But, battles of the self, need to be chosen carefully.
So I’ll just keep toying with flight
Until I’m sure that fight won’t end me

Five is the witching hour.
Filled with thick fog, or
Perhaps vivid hallucinations.
Desperate with the need to dream,
Or desperate to wake and stand in the light,
Just creeping up into the inky blue of the sky.

I’ve chosen fight today,
I’ve been choosing fight every single night and day.
I bear the scars now of victories
And the still dripping wounds of defeats.
I’m a fighter now
I fought for me and you.
If I could I’d lay down this spear.
Just to rest for a day or year,
But battles need to be fought.
So I’ll just keep choosing fight instead of flight
Until it’s no longer needed.

My feet are cold and boredom has struck
Along with the big hand on the clock
It screams out “FOUR”
I think it’s in the A.M.

Frayed to the touch
Your little electric shocks,
Wind me up
And spin me round.
Dizzy on nothing
I stumble to the floor
Falling deeper down.
This emotional twister
Sweeps me off
And dumps me right-side up.
Without a brain, and
My fancies out of control,
Well, my darling,
I’m afraid I’ve lost and
I’m fraying right before your eyes

Freedom is a heady feeling.
I didn’t know how much I needed to feel.
Until all those emotions had been wrung out,
Except for this bright little jewel.

Free licks, the sign read.
Of ice cream? My mind questioned.
Summer was not here.  

The sign read free licks of ice cream,
Summer was not here?
My mind questioned.

My fury would wash you down and away.
Tumbled red and broken dry,
Til you’ve been laid out flat
And pinned to cork.
No better than a butterfly.
All mine to display.

Familiarity echoed golden through her mind
Just a light touch here
A flash of a light, and eyes stared knowingly.
A lovely little gasp of breath
As everything was awash in a setting sun.

That day the goose feathers went ****,
The Sun blamed the Wind.
The Stars blamed the Clouds,
And Cause blamed the Effect in the confusion.
But truly Cause was to blame,
And shame that he was able to fool all,
By meddling with the details
And suggesting cures to mask the symptoms,
Or the feathers would have been returned
And not a goose would go cold.

I’m not sure what jarred me loose,
Maybe the medication,
Maybe the ***,
Maybe the drinks I had sitting here,
Maybe just the texting,
But something just shook off the ashes and rose.
Something shifted, something SHIFTED.
I want to run, HA, no going back.
I got my parachute, time to fall and see where I land.