In my dream i'm in his arms
In that same black dress
Barefoot in the soft grass
And we dance
We dance to the sound of the night
The soft crickets and the water's waves
And the steady beat of two hearts as one
And I'm lost in it all
Lost in your eyes and your voice
Lost in that soft black dress
Lost in the darkness of the night

I am but a rat in a maze
Round and round I go
Through corners and dead ends
Trying to find my way back to you
And it's not easy
But it's worth it
I just hope you'll be waiting with open arms
When I arrive
If I arrive

I know it is likely I will fail
And the hours  tick away
Growing closer and closer to judgement day
And as I inch closer and closer
I just hope I can make you proud
Overcome it all and rise above

When I close my eyes I dream of you
Wrapped up tight in blue
Little darling I dream of you
Your soft pale skin
And eyes full of sky
Your voice like an angel
With anguish in your cry
So small yet so perfect in every way
Hold you close tomorrow and every day

It binds us
Intertwines us
Flows through my veins
And down my legs
Builds me up
Only to break me down

It fills the void in my heart
With a warmth I've never known
Pours from the wounds left by a broken world
And reassures what I've always known
I'm nothing
Nothing without the pain

She thrashes violently
She can't awake
Can't get away
So she fights like her life depends on it
Maybe she's squirming under the weigh of an invisible monster
Or another dream filled with death
No matter the subject
I hold her in place
Cradle her to stop the movement
I call her name over and over
Until she joins the world again

She grabs her by the neck
And I can see it unfold
She never stood a chance
Her body slams to the ground
She gasps upon impact
Blood running from her mouth red as her hair

She reaches up
Unclear if as an act of pleading or anger
But a figure dressed dark as night rips her off the ground
Only to slam her down again

This time she lets out an unearthly moan
She spits blood onto the pavement
It glistens in the sun
A puddle of color against the blacktop

The figure grabs her again and drags her by her hair
Her lips quivering
She puts her arms below her
And as she pushes to lift herself up another blow
The dark figure kicks her in the side of the head
She falls to the ground
A sharp kick in the rips and she spits blood once again

She looks up pleading with her eyes
Scrapes cover her face with streaks of red
The tears are streaming down but she does not cry out
Another blow to the ribs and she doubles down
Using her hands over her head she attempts to protect herself

Finally relenting the dark figure stops the kicking
She lay broken and quivering unable to face it
It begins to scream
And when she turns away it grabs her face to face the lingual horrors

When I see her face next it's only a glance
But her eyes seem empty now
Glazed over and lifeless
The figure picks her up again

She makes no sound this time as she hits the ground
For a moment it seems as though she will try to rise up
The figure stands over her watching
But she doesn't move

Its beautiful I've heard

Sun in the sky
Sand on the beach
Sharks in the water

Now I've never been one for the cold
So to me it seems like paradise
Yet your the one who's there

And I know I said I would follow you there if I had to
But when I make my way to those sand shores someday
You better believe it won't be for you

So I look forward to the day I can smell the salt water in the air
And feel the sand in my toes
While I sand and watch the lava flow

I hate the way you can't put down a drink
And I hate the way your stupid mind tends to think
I hate watching the tears fall
Cause spilled milk isn't worth crying over at all
I hate the way you destroy me inside
And I hate the darkness you put behind my eyes
I hate the way you say it's my fault
Cause I'm not another follower to your cult
I hate the way you act like a *****
Cause I'm getting real tired of this

Grab me
Hold me close
And look into my eyes
Sweep me off my feet
And kiss me like no tomorrow

It starts small
Just the urge
To part my lips and let it happen
But it's easy to ignore
Easy to move on
And slowly it grows
From an urge
The simple unconscious idea
To a want
My brain sends the signal to eat
And I ignore it
My stomach begins to hurt
And I once again ignore it
The pain grows worse as my head too throbs
And my vision blurs
But I push on
Too many pretty girls out there
And I just want to be one
I begin to feel weak
And soon it's all my brains wants to imagine
How good it would feel to eat
But feeling thin will feel better
My brain starts to lag and I just say to myself
Just one more day
Then we can eat

You make the jokes and I smile as to say sure
Maybe right
And we move onto another topic is discussion
No harm no foul
But you don't see the tears in my eyes as I fall asleep
You can't feel the weight in my heart very moment of every day
So what can I do besides smile when you kid
Do I dare tell you the truth
That what, I'll never be a bride?
Or that women with psychotic tendencies make terrible mothers?
You ignore my warnings
Simply turn them away
And if only it was that easy
If I could loose them like butterflies on a gust of wind
But I'm like an infection you've caught
I'm toxic
I have violent nightmares
Both dreaming and awake
I can't dance or cook or be anything you hope to have
So I don't know why you continue to hold on
Although I hope you never let go
But that's what infections do
Until they **** you

When I die I think of you
I think of your smile and your laugh
I don't want to be the one to steal them when I die
Because when I die you'll think of me
In nothing more than a fond memory
Your smile will fade
Your laugh will wither
And I'll rot in the ground where I was delivered
I don't want to destroy your happiness
How my existence makes you happy I'll never know
But as I die I think of you

I close my eyes and I can see your face.
Sometimes clear as day.
Others, dusted with fear and pain.
And I wonder if this is some cruel trick.
Left dreaming forever.
Of a man I may never see again.

Take me back to the beginning
In love with everything and everyone
Living with my soul thrown into the wind
Slurring my words over the phone
Sleeping with nature
And kissing flowers
Breathing clean and clear
It was easier then
More peaceful then
Counting stars until they turned into clouds
Outrunning due dates
Take me there

I saw you the second you entered the room
Not that I was watching there just wasn't much else going on
My heart flutters a little cause seeing you is like coming home
And I smile
Four hours to go

You finally enter and I don't think you see me due to sheer distance
Your laughing and well
It brings back memories
I glance over to you from time to time
Same quirky boy I loved
Three hours to go

By now I'm sure you've seen me
But you didn't say hello
Something feels horribly wrong  
I can feel your eyes on me when I turn my back
But otherwise it's like I don't even exist
Two hours to go

I give up
You're not going to see me
Not the way you used to anyways
And part of me understands
But part of me wants to grab you buy the shoulders  
Bring you back to reality
One hour to go

I watch you walk out the door
Too afraid to approach you
And I know you will never approach me
I can't quite put my finger on it
But I feel so sad
Zero hours to go

I stand in the mirror and I must ask
Who am I?
As I see it now I'm an upcoming young woman
Dressed in white with the future laid out before her
Finally commanding the respect I once craved
But I listen to the music
Our old songs
And I remember when I was nothing more than a passenger
Just trying to get to a destination
And somewhere between here and now I changed
From another emo gutter rat to a lady
And for so long this is what I thought I wanted
But the title of lady doesn't suit me at all
So as I stand in the mirror it's not one reflection I see but two
A put together lady in red
And a thrasher in black
And they both smile the same sick twisted way
And I just wish it was easy to figure it out
Who am I?

You've heard it before
Most likely from a small child
"When I grow up"
And from the perspective of a child that statement is full of hope
It's the ultimate goal
It's their own personal victory

But one day you look at yourself
And you realize you have grown up
And maybe you're lucky and you've achieved your goals
But for most maybe you never did

Maybe you tried and gave it all you had
Only to feel left out in the cold
Maybe you changed your mind
Of maybe you just grew old

His eyes were like Labrodite
Beautiful in their own way
Cracks full of color
The only thing holding darkness at bay

His eyes were like Beryllium
The brightest blue I'd ever seen
Like blue skies on the horizon of tomorrow
The day leading you away from me

His eyes are like Sodalite
They come from both the darkness and the light
They are a muddled beautiful blue
The are unique just like you

Looking back
When you said those words they held some weight
And I laughed it off at the time
But I went back to my bed that night
And my mind began to race
I know you've painted a target on my back
If I was more oblivious to people like you I would not have seen it
But it's bright red like blood
And rather noticeable

I should have known better
Every laugh and smile comes with a price
And it's never cheap
So when you said those words
All I heard was the price

I will not pay your ransom
I am not interested in those words
And while you were technically correct
You were also very wrong
So believe me when I say this
If you ever feel so bold as to use those words on me again
I'll make you eat them

Dear God,

Are you listening? It's me again. I was invited back into your home today, it's not my church and its not my priest but its still good. Yet I find myself afraid. What is it about being around others raised like me that bring me fear. Maybe I feel like I don't belong or that I wont quite fit in. Maybe I'm afraid I wont live up to whats expected of a devote follower.
I am not afraid of you, just the community and as bad as it sounds, being afraid of another church, it's the truth. Maybe I'm just anxious. Maybe I'm not ready to face my demons. Maybe I believe the darkness inside me will show and my impure body won't be accepted by you.
Whatever it is give me the strength to get through it and be welcomed home.

A baby rabbit fur grey as the sky lies dead
Her eyes stare blankly upward
Watching god
Her body lifeless
Her family gone
She is cold and helpless in my hands
And I cannot help but think
She has gone too soon
As many before her

Why can't women have ***
Why are you praised for the same act that demonizes me
Why can't I be proud of my body
Why must it be hidden away
Why can't I experiment
Why can't I even experience
Why does *** mean I'm so ******
Why does *** have to destroy me

*** is an act for he modern man
He stands tall while we bow down
He receives all the praise
All for an act that he only gives halfway
Because it's all
"On your knees"
"**** my ****"
"Don't be a tease"

*** is a privilege for those with a Y chromosome
So that they can stare while we cover up
So they can **** while we remain chaste
So they can stand over our broken bodies
Whilst we crumble from within

And I'm so tried
Tried of the ***** looks
Tired of the names
Tired of being a salve to this society
Tired of the image of man dictation how I feel
Tired of everything that's wrong with ***  

We deserve to **** just as much as you
And **** we will
Because we don't need you permission to love our bodies
And someday we will learn that
And on that day you will have to learn to share
Share your precious *** with the new modern woman

Pretty sure this is the feeling a heart makes when it breaks
And I know I've turned the page
I just hope you don't see me the same
And the silence is unending
Cause I know you don't care
Could be today or a year ago
Time hasn't made a difference when it comes to me

You were the heavens and I the Earth
You were cast up in the stars
And I in the dirt
You were much like an angel and I like a beast
Yet I can still remember when you reached your hand down to me
Were different that is easy to see
But somehow it worked in harmony
And as I stare up into the sky
You look like a shooting star passing by

We were strong
But the world was stronger

The Earth can send violent storms
Massive waves
And unhinged ground
And it changes the landscape forever
Never to return to before

That's where we are  
You saw the storm of my hate
Felt the waves of my sadness
And the tremors of my soul as it broke
And now here we stand
On a new decimated land
And we can never go back to before

I once told a man
"I could never make things okay in life, but they're going to be okay now"
Then I cut skin from skin
And I waited to die

Waiting to die is a funny thing
Its like the waiting room at the doctors office
Time slows down
And you're left inside your own head
Mind begins to wander
And no matter what you think see or feel you're brought back to it
Why you are in this spot right here right now
Which for me was bleeding out in blue star wars bed sheets
Not quite a waiting room

They say when you want to die to call someone
So I called him
He was drunk and ******
And he told me to *******
So I did
I ended the call and ended my strain of consciousness
Few more cuts and blacked out

Now I know you're wondering
And no I didn't die
Turns out I'm terrible at dying
Who knew right

But it's been a year and a half since that night
And it's finally okay

If you were to ask if I missed you
I am supposed to say no
Supposed to say I've moved on and far away
Supposed to put on a smile and walk away
But the truth is I do miss you
I miss never feeling alone
I miss how you understood what I was feeling
I miss the awful jokes
And the long days
And you weren't perfect
I know that now
But you were there when I needed you
You gave me my life back

Too tired to function
Too awake to sleep
Caught in this limbo
Memories running on repeat

Before The night calls
I hope to break through
All of this darkness
And find my way to you

Daylight is a matter of hours away
And yet I am not not yet where I need to be
So hold me close
And help me to see

Thought all of this darkness
Bring me the light
Only together
Can we conquer the night

Some days I can't believe you are in my life
You just seem so perfect
And I'm really not
I can't believe you love me
Tolerate me
And care for me
Even when I'm not at my best
And I know I don't deserve you
But for some reason you stay
And I'm so happy to have you in my life

You were the best man I have ever known

You always loved me
And I know you still do
Just from up above

You had the warmest smile
Accompanied with your mustache
And you gave the best hugs
When we would leave I would save you for last so it was the last hug of the night
A final impression to take home with me

You catered to my imagination, and never stifled me
Even when I wanted to cover myself in ribbon from head to toe and be a Christmas fairy
Or refused to eat Capt'n Crunch simply because my bother liked it

You made me strong
Always taking me out into the woods
Or letting me play just like the boys
Firing arrows in the garden
Or learning to ride motorcycle and ripping up fields

You taught me to be kind just like you
To love like you
And believe me
I want nothing more than to be just like you

The day you left me I felt sick before I even heard
Something wasn't right in the world
And when they told me I knew why
It tore me apart
I tried everything to keep myself busy
And put on the most beautiful black dress

I laid a daisy on you casket
Because Daises are your favorite just like me
And we put you in the ground

I'm told they found you in those woods we played in
That you died where you loved it most

And even though I cant hold you in my arms
I carry you in my heart
Always

Screen in hand I scroll past the pointless pictures
Until suddenly I see your face
You're smiling with the same dumb grin
Not a picture you've taken
You're probably not even aware it exists
Too caught up in the moment
You're surrounded by friends
People I used to call friends too once a long time ago
I can feel the tears build in my eyes
Even though I told myself I wouldn't cry over you
It's the end of an era that's for sure
Everything that was once mine here is gone

I can feel it coming
Slowly but surely
Laying here without you
And it is relentless
This sadness
This emptiness
And I never realized just how much I need you
And the tears are starting to form
I just pray they don't fall
Because I don't have time to cry

I'm counting the days
Minutes
Seconds
Until I can hold you again
Because I love you more than you could ever know