Screen in hand I scroll past the pointless pictures
Until suddenly I see your face
You're smiling with the same dumb grin
Not a picture you've taken
You're probably not even aware it exists
Too caught up in the moment
You're surrounded by friends
People I used to call friends too once a long time ago
I can feel the tears build in my eyes
Even though I told myself I wouldn't cry over you
It's the end of an era that's for sure
Everything that was once mine here is gone

I once told a man
"I could never make things okay in life, but they're going to be okay now"
Then I cut skin from skin
And I waited to die

Waiting to die is a funny thing
Its like the waiting room at the doctors office
Time slows down
And you're left inside your own head
Mind begins to wander
And no matter what you think see or feel you're brought back to it
Why you are in this spot right here right now
Which for me was bleeding out in blue star wars bed sheets
Not quite a waiting room

They say when you want to die to call someone
So I called him
He was drunk and ******
And he told me to *******
So I did
I ended the call and ended my strain of consciousness
Few more cuts and blacked out

Now I know you're wondering
And no I didn't die
Turns out I'm terrible at dying
Who knew right

But it's been a year and a half since that night
And it's finally okay

Some days I can't believe you are in my life
You just seem so perfect
And I'm really not
I can't believe you love me
Tolerate me
And care for me
Even when I'm not at my best
And I know I don't deserve you
But for some reason you stay
And I'm so happy to have you in my life

She is just a small glass girl
Will catch you eye but she wont hold your gaze
Instead she simply reflects whatever others want to see

She treads carefully
To fall is to break
She feels empty
Missing the life that others possess
She is alone
Mysterious yet uninteresting  
She is broken
Unable to heal like human flesh

I can feel it coming
Slowly but surely
Laying here without you
And it is relentless
This sadness
This emptiness
And I never realized just how much I need you
And the tears are starting to form
I just pray they don't fall
Because I don't have time to cry

I'm counting the days
Minutes
Seconds
Until I can hold you again
Because I love you more than you could ever know

You whisper behind the door
Its soft and almost non existent
Against the noise of the everyday world its drowned out
But at night when all is still I hear it

You ask me why
Ask me if it's too late
Ask me to try again
Tell me its sink or swim

And I'd love to tell you to shut up
Or get a better door
But there is a hint of reality in what you are saying
And it leaves me listening for more

Wrapped tight in a grey blanket
Staring for what feels like hours
Dead inside
And the soft fabric slowly sleeps as minutes pass
Until it sits around my waist
I stand up to readjust
The only movement in hours
The blanket falls from the chair
A puddle of sadness on the floor
I scoop it up and let it hug around me one more
Returning to my staring it does it once more
My grey puddle of sadness on the floor

I can see your smile
It's nothing new
Its a smile I've seen a million times before
And I know I will see it a million times again
It's a smile that haunts my dreams
And frequents nightmares
It makes my skin crawl
And my heart race
It's sweet like a summers kiss
And sour as a dead rose
Its warm like fire
Yet cold as grooms feet
And i'd like to think one day I'll wipe that grin off your face
But for now it haunts me

I am covered in skin
Much like you are
Cells keeping all my veins and parts inside
The thin yet strong barrier between me and the world
And yet with all this skin
Not an inch of it belongs to me
Some is his
And his
And his
Some is for the media
And a little is for her
I feel their hands on me
Ripping me apart
Taking their shares
Until there is noting left
Nothing to hold the veins nor parts
And I come undone

I remember a time when I loved you
When you were my world
When you were all I loved
I remember your kisses and hugs
I remember the way you said my name
And the way you walked away
I remember the tears I wept
And the pain I felt
The emptiness you left me in
Cold words and colder eyes
They just don't suit you
Or at least the boy I used to know

Sometimes it's fun to pretend to be someone else
Anyone else really
Just as long as it's not me
I like to pretend my dad loves me
And that I won't die alone
I pretend I'm somewhere I belong
And not so far from home
And I close my eyes just to dream up a world
That when I open them again
I'm the same **** girl

Missing: Girl lost among the stars

Every Time I think I found it
Think I've got it right
It slips through my fingers
And I'm alone again
I just wish I could get it right
Finally fit in somewhere
Finally find the place where I belong

Two years ago I learned a lesson
But it didn't make sense until today

Three little dogs out in the snow
Roxy was short and round, but she was strong with red fur
Bumble and Sparky were smaller still and just wanted to have fun
And after a few minutes shrill barks filled the air
Bumble called for help as his brother was being torn apart
Roxy had him at his throat
The snow was red with blood
So I grabbed the beast
And timid Sparky tried to run away
Blood poured from his throat

Now as day turned into night
Bumble and Sparky were safe inside
Roxy was out in the cold
She wasn't safe and had to go
Bumble sat the whole night waiting for his brother
And sparky lay wrapped in his mother's arms
Trying to keep it together

There are two kinds of people in this world
That I now know
You either tear out the throats of the innocent
Or keep your head down and try protect your own

Love is such a funny thing
Or at least it is when it comes from you
In my eyes you were a king
I didn't have a clue

I will never forget the pain
Caught in your web of lies
Playing your games with my brain
While my hope dies

Stabbing me in the back only to come and save me
Ripping me apart
And the silence in my plea
The dying in my heart

I hope I never see you again, that you're **** alone
Rot in your misery while I rebuild my throne

I used to hurt myself every single day
Used to maybe to go a week at best without fresh wounds
Used to need it to get through the day

And it's difficult to explain
And it's different for everyone that chooses to feel pain
Cause that is exactly what it is choosing to feel pain
It's wanting to not be numb
Wanting to feel alive
Wanting to feel anything other than that emptiness
Because the emptiness is the heaviest thing you will never have
It's like filing your heart up with rocks
Feeling it sink in your chest

And that heaviness at first is just a symptom
It ***** but you push forward
But it gets heavier and you slowly loose control
Instead of growing stronger the weight just wears you out
And son you feel the weight piling on more than ever
Every time they...
...call you a name...
...push you down...
...use you...
...ignore you...
...abuse you...

And it builds and builds and you can't keep going
And you start to wonder what if I just didn't exist
And the thought scares you to death but you feel so helpless
And you can't keep carrying the weight in you heart without help
So every single day the though come up
What if you just died

And every day it seems more and more like a better idea
Because you're tired of crying yourself to sleep
And you're tired of always feeling alone and unwanted
And everything is so numb that it hurts
So you give it a shot and it's messy
It always is the first time
And there's blood
But for once you don't feel like you have a heart full of rocks
Instead your heart is racing from the rush
And you feel something
Its painful and awful but it's something
And its nice but not necessary

So a few weeks later on you're at your breaking point again
And you put steel to skin
And the blood arises from the **** like a mountain spring
And your body feels the rush all over again
Before you know it every day is a pain and all you want is to feel
So you're like me
Slit your wrists before bed
Cuts in the mouth in the morning
And the torment all day between the two

And you're not destroying your body because you're suicidal
You aren't doing it oping you'll die
You're not ripping flesh from flesh because you want attention
The horror inst worth a few glances

You're spilling blood like a warlord committing crimes only against your own body because you're trying desperately to stay alive and only in this bleeding, in this pain can you find any peace from the pain of existence and the voice inside you that tell a you just to give up and die already

It's counter-intuitive but it's what keeps you alive for another day

I can see it now
The crowd a mix of strangers and friends
The stark white or rather the crisp lacy soft white all around me
The loud talking among such soft sweet music
The touch of your skin on mine each time our hands meet
The soft click of heels on the floor
The warm look in your eyes as they met mine
The contrast of the petals against the ground
The tenderness in your voice
The love in the air

I know I'm not perfect
Not even close
But in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
I'll give it my all
I wont break nor bow
And yes my dear I refuse to fall

I lay there in darkness
In a silent black limbo
And my soul feels tired
But my mind has other plans
My mind is awake
It races through every though and action of the day
Nodding to the accomplishments
And contemplating the failures
And after a nod or two that's where I remain for a while
The failures
My failures
And so I'm laying in the void among my flaws
Sleepless
Helpless
And my brain goes everywhere stringing things together
And making things up to fill the voids
Until I break and the tears fall
They're soft on my face and quiet
Until they too fall into the darkness

Ups and Downs
Sideways, Inside-Out
But at the end of everyday i'm in your arms

You're just human
And I couldn't ask for more
Because my past is full of monsters
So human is a nice change

And I know it's not flashy or shiny
It's not perfect and pretty
But it's mine
And I wouldn't trade it for the world

I don't care if it is never like the movies
I've never been one for the silver screen
Because flowers fade and die but rocks are forever
And this is solid as rock

Tears and fits put you on edge
But you have no clue as you try to help me reach perfect
Just how far I've come with you
Because you shine so much brighter than the darkness in my heart

And I cant remember the last time I dreaded sunrise
Because the long nights of my past made morning a mere dream
But now I could lay in the darkness forever
As long as I have you by my side

I know you're not perfect
I'm not either
But at the end of the day you're perfect to me

Oh?
So you're "over it"
I'm sure you are baby
But hear's the thing
I miss you
I miss you're smile
And miss your laugh
I miss always having lunch with you
And I miss never feeling alone
I miss the way you can turn a nightmare of a day into a dream
And I miss the way you play that beautiful music
I miss the dances
And the kisses
I miss the way you always built me up
And I miss the way you made me whole
And judging by the way you looked so shaken to see me
I think you miss me a little too.

So a funny thing happened
I had *** with a boy
Sounds common enough right
Except this boy wasn't my boyfriend
I'll give you a moment to let that sink in

*****
****
Harlot
Really I've heard it all
But won't you please listen
Because every story has two sides

I was drunk
Off my *** really
And what had started as a fun night was coming to and end
Walked with my friend up from the shore
And walked him to his car
Except he was farther off his *** than I
I stole his keys and hid them in my purse
Because I wasn't going to let him drive home
**** himself and the girl in his backseat
So we went into the house
Down into the basement with all the other children
And we shared a mattress on the floor
Just like everyone else
And one by one we began to pass out
Until it was just me and him

I wasn't afraid
I had grown up along side him
I knew all his secrets
And he knew mine
So we talked, and we talked and I don't remember when it changed
When the wheels began to turn
When I lost my shorts
I don't remember when his hands landed on my body
And my memory begins to fade
And I know my heart began to race
And my body became aware of every single movement all at once
And I think I was a tease
I think I was too much
And before I knew it he was on me
Fumbling around and I told him just a little please and
I told him no ***
And then it happened
I'll be the first to admit I don't know what I said to be exact
I don't think I said I changed my mind though
And I know I didn't say no
But it's hard to say anything when you can barley breathe
And then I just shut down
Body did the hard reset and I just blacked out
I know I momentarily woke up when you crawled off of me sobbing
A moment of haze before I was back into darkness

And I woke up and he was gone
And I as alone
I made the call to my boyfriend
A man I loved more than anything
I panicked
I told him I cheated on him
That I was sorry and that it was a mistake
And he accepted it, but he didn't accept me
I was a disgrace
Still am

But yes I had *** with a man
But it wasn't *** like you would know it
It was *** spelled with four letters
R A P E
So call me what you will
But you can never hate me as much as I hate myself so don't even try
With that being said goodnight and goodbye

Stardust is such a beautiful thing
Its shiny like silver yet worth more than gold
Yet it is noting that you can hold
Its warmer than fire
And colder than ice
Taller than mountains
Smaller than rice
It is nothing yet at the same time everything
Its you as you are to me
And the world as it is to us
It's smiles and laughter and darkness and pain
It's kisses on Sunday right after rain
And among it all the good and the bad
Stardust is here everywhere to be had

I can feel it spill into me
It's not a new feeling
It's more like coming home
As darkness spills into my days
And sadness fills the nights
The pain of all those years
And it never leaves
Although scars will heal
Dreams will fade
And memories take a backseat in life
They never leave
So I remain broken and helpless to the ways of the world
A shell of the person I once was

I've never been a perfect girl
Had perfect friends
Functioned with a perfect mind
Or flirt with perfect boys

I'm rather broken you'd say
Don't add up to much most days
Add up to nothing at all most nights

So what

So what if i'm not who I was supposed to be
Cause I'm me
And it doesn't add up
But i'm no good with numbers anyways

I can remember the first time I saw you like this
You were sitting in the same spot
And you seemed like a good person to talk to

I can remember the first time I saw you like this
You were wearing that same white shirt
And my chest felt heavy

Oh how far we have come

Is is a broken glass girl
The crack started small
Broken under the pressure of her life and her pain
And with every breakdown the spread
From her heart to her limbs
Tiny fractures foreshadowing her end
And she crumbles more and more each day
Dying slowly but not entirely

The memories of you are fleeting
They rush through my mind like a morning wind
I can barley get a hold of them before they're gone again
And it's not that I miss you
I'ts not like I wish things were different
I'm just replaying the moments like old songs
And imaging that you're here to dance along

Your eyes are closing
And I fear it may be the last time I ever see their brilliant blue
The cold surrounds us
And I wish I could rush you off to somewhere warmer than here
Somewhere where you could be safe

I'm trying to hold on
But your are so weak
And I don't know if I can save you
But I will try
Your body becomes more and more frail
And I'm afraid I might loose you to the darkness
It surrounds us above and below
Only the moon to illuminate the darkness of the sky
And to shed light on the inky waves

Your lips are still
And I miss your voice
Your laugh, and your smile
There is no human sound in the void
Just the whispers of demons in the wind
And the soft chirp of crickets from the shore
I'd like to believe it's the lull of the crickets that sends you to sleep
Rather than the hand of a woman beyond this world

She rises from the deep
And her voice is as soft as a lamb
Her eyes fall upon you laying there and her demeanor softens
Plucking your and up its incredible
I stare at her midnight skin against yours
I'd have guessed you were a porcelain doll had I not have known otherwise
Suddenly she turns to me sadness in her eyes
She reaches out and I simply stare back

She gives a soft smile and finally I take her hand
Under her will my hand reaches yours
You feel so cold but you're heart beats on
Its faint but present and I'm relieved
She looks to me again and I know it wont last
I pull you against my chest and hold you close

With my eyes closed I can smell your familiar smell
I can feel her hand on my shoulder
I lay you back down and step to the back of the vessel
She scoops you up and leans in
I watch as she kisses your forehead
An just like that your body goes limp

Its slow the way the tears feel running down my face
She steps over the side of the boat and back into the dark water
You look so peaceful as the water crashes over you
Lifeless sinking deeper and deeper into the depths cradled in her arms

I know she will watch over you in death as I did in life
She will lay you to sleep down in the deep
With the rest of her children
I hope you find comfort in the darkness