Something that stands out so completely;* Resilience, is not so very discreetly kept locked away from the planets you shine on, to their envy. ~~ *Frank Ruland

Yes, I shine
I smile
I carry on through the days
But my light gets dimmer
Each passing moment
With nothing to shine on
I simply fill darkness with light
I don't bring anything
Those planets that envy?
They're crazy...
I shoot past,
The speed of light
(really fast)
What is there to be jealous of?
My speed...
My strength...
My bright, shining glow...
That may be so,
But what are all these things worth
If I have to do it all alone?



Absolutely Nothing

Tear stained* and damaged
So close to the truth
Looking deep inside
So much to lose
Tear stained shirt
And a tear stained cheek
Impossible to clean
Leaving the heart so weak
Tears rolling down
Asking so many questions
Getting no answers
But tear stained emotions
A devotion to tears
Fighting away the fears
Everything looks clear
Through glistening eyes
Time to apologize
To stop all the cries
Of my tear stained eyes

Oh, how I love to
            light you up
       Watch you slowly burn
            Writhing
       between my finger
I know my love for you
         is slowly killing me
     But I enjoy watching you suffer
                    Filling my lungs
             Watching the smoky
      Leftovers of your soul
Float into the air
         I breathe you in so deeply
               Deep inside me
     Then slowly let you out
             Over and Over
        I created you
              I've made you who you are
Then I devour you
        Oh, how I love the taste of you
     The scent of you
                The fact that you're bad for me
         Just makes you all the more enticing
       Like life and everything
                 If you were good for me
          You wouldn't be so **addicting

"It's gonna be OK"
How do you know?
Have you ever felt this way?

"Stay Strong"
For much longer?
It's already been so long...

"You'll survive"
But I'm losing motivation
I don't have the will or drive...

"It will pass"
Possibly... But..
How long is it gonna last?

"There's always tomorrow"
You don't know that
Tonight could be the night I decide to go...

"You'll find someone to love you"
But I'm lonely now,
I need help to make it through

"You're resilient"
Maybe...
But I could still use a friend...

"I understand"
No, you don't
Please don't ever say that
You really have no clue
About all the things I'm going through

"I know you're sad, just try to think positive"
I positively think my mind's destructive

"You can handle it"
What if I don't want to?
What if I don't want hurt again?
What if this is the end?

"You'll figure it all out"
And if I don't...
Will you be there when I go down?
Help me up from off the ground?

"I'm here for you"*
Yea...  
Thanks...  
Me too...

There's an aching in my bones for where that feeling they call home used to be but now it's only in my dreams.
My emotions keeps grinding away at my soul, telling me where to go and who to be.
But that's not me and this dream isn't my reality.
As far fetched as my hopes may seem to be, to me they are the reality supressing these nightmares that everyone else calls dreams.

Keep hoping for a new tomorrow to change my ways, but the days drag on, always the same.
Not knowing where the truth lies, disguised as a ride that takes you high enough to never feel it when the lie dies.
Staring pain in the face, wasting days swept under a carpet of disgrace, eyes staring back screaming with disdain.
Forgetting myself more with every breath, failing every test and silently waiting for death.

I've had a certain amount of misery
       Locked away
            Deep inside of me
Well, here's the key....  
     I'm throwing it down the drain,
                     Watch it disappear,
Float away with the rain.
No one will ever again reach the core of me,
        It's locked away tight.
Some ghosts may flicker late at night
        But in the light of day,
I'll never again believe a word you say.
           I should have known
Deep somewhere I knew...
         All the things you said, they were never true.
Never true.
    I wish I'd never met you...
        As for the pain you caused me?
                       I'm through.
Good luck finding the key,
       *I'm done with misery.

Night drifts into a sun filled day
Memories fade but never go away

Seeds blossom into the most beautiful flowers
Minds remember only sadness in the darkest hours

Oceans crash into the shores as waves
Tears are fueled by hearts set ablaze

Boys become men and girls become women
A soul must break before it can begin

Sun turns to dusk at the start of every night
Everything must go wrong before it becomes right

There's more to LIFE
            
       Than just breathing

There's also *LIVING

This life has become more than I ever wanted it to be and the future looks even more hopeful as far as I can see.

My tears are laced with sorrow
Making puddles that I'll fall in tomorrow
And I'll forget the love and joy
That I once borrowed
I've given it back
Without realizing that
The pain and hurt I use to fill my coffee
Just makes every sip all the more bitter
But with every drink I pour,
I lose another day of life
So I use my tears as creamer
And your words, jokes and humor
As the sugar
Yet nothing gets sweeter
And **I'll die all the more sooner

It hurts hiding inside myself,
    I won't do it any longer...  

I need to be free
      To show the true me
          
   And finally escape
          This life filed with
     **Misery

The smell of the lake
The green of the grass
The white of the sand
The blue of the sky

I miss the water splashing in my face
I miss the grass tickling my toes
I miss the warm sand cradling my back
I miss the sun shining bright in my eyes

I'm still trying and crying
Feeling like I'm dying
Stop lying,
             I'm not buying
I'm not relying on what your supplying
Keep denying what your implying
All this prying and spying
Leaves me sighing
I'm no longer complying
No more trying
I'm done crying

Your going down,
           make you drown
Lose the frown,
        talk of the town
Drop the crown
Actin like a clown,
                showdown
Got pushed down,
        shot down
Put down,
      knocked down
Left laying on the ground
But I'm coming around

In preclusion to the confusion
I've come to a conclusion
I'm not losin this illusion
         Tired of your aggression
I'm left in seclusion
It's a transition,
           a new resolution
It's not confusin
I'm winning this aggravation


        Just
             Some
         Food
      For
              Thought

Smoking through the lightning storm
Fading slowly, safe and warm
Steady getting higher than the clouds
Reaching peaks my dreams never allowed
Unaware of the demons trying to force me underground
Angels lift me, fighting the rocks trying to pull me down
Settling within my own mind, attempting to discover my own truth
Lying to myself, unaware that my nightmares contain the proof
Suddenly falling through an unmistakable mist
Feeling lower than the ground I finally kissed

I
       Dried
                       My Eyes

When I stopped

              Thinking
                      About
             ­                *You

There are sins of ømission
And there's sins of **comission

and in place of the love
        that once filled my heart
there is now only glass shards
        tearing my insides apart

and in place of the good
         that once was seen in my eyes
there is now only hatred
          fueling my demise

and in place of the innocence
          that once filled my soul
there is now only memories
         capturing me like a black hole

and in place of the happiness
         that once filled my core
there is now only sadness
        stealing my life forevermore


**brokenness can't be fixed,  
     it's not like it was
             before

Smile when you think of all those that love you,
remember all the happy times in the past
not the sad ones.
Feel blessed to have all the joys you have had
and feel stronger for surviving all the bad moments.
So many people love you and want you to be happy.
Forget the people that don't,
they're not worth your thoughts.
I love you.
~ Tgwly/Melz

We're you* careful with what you wished for?
No,  you weren't.
Did you call out for help when you needed it?
If you did, no one heard.
We're you there for me when I was falling down?
I didn't see you there.
Did you lay a pillow on the floor when I fell for you, so it wouldn't hurt?
No, cause you didn't care.
We're you thinking about me when you walked out the door?
If you did, you would've stayed.
Did you look back even once to see me crying all alone?
No, you were too afraid.
We're you ashamed of yourself for never telling me why?
If you were, I didn't know.
Did you ever wonder what's happened to me now?
Well, I finally got the chance to grow.

Thank you for all the things you didn't do,
Never forget The Girl Who Loved You.

I cannot cleanse my soul
     until I remove the filth

I cannot mend my heart
     until I remove the hate

I cannot live my future
     until I remove my past

I cannot breathe in peace
     until I remove **myself

50%* Love
                  40% Pain
                                 4% Jealousy

                              3% Hate

                          2% What The Actual ****?

                       1% Rhymes

                100% REAL

Staring at these pixels,
words
       and images
            On my screen

It's cracked now
       Just a little damaged
     Been that way for a while
Kinda like my heart
But I continue to read and write
        All day long
Waiting to see your smile
Waiting to get that one message...
      
         I love you

It will come
      Like your words always do
I may have to wait
    Waiting...
        Waiting......
Oh! How much I hate to wait!
I know I'll get the message
    Soon enough
Until then I'll wear this smile
      Staying strong
          Acting tough
My particular favorite is...  

Hey babe, how's your day?
        I know it's been awhile
            But can I please
                Just see you smile?

Cause you know how I love to rhyme,
    And although you're not a poet
        You still try and that's more than fine!
Cause then you say...

I'm a poet and didn't know it!

Every time!

Staring at this cracked screen
   Is what gets me through my day
    Just like fixing
        My cracked heart
Is what gets you through
    You don't have to wait very long
        To see

*I love you too.

I've got a secret
Kept it hidden well
It's destroying my soul
And gonna send me to hell
But I like how it feels
I love how it tastes
It's fun and invigorating
When I'm testing my fate
It boggles my mind
And clouds my eyes
Helps me become numb
And stops all the cries
I can smell the memories
Fading out of my life
With every pop, snort
And brand new knife

No more time to waste
   time to put on my game face
The last battle is already won
       But this war
  Has only just begun
              Knives are thrown
   Screams and echoes
            Bounce off the walls
     Gun blasts and back fires
         my mind's too small
  Tight rope waking on electric wires
              Walls cave and bombs burst
The enemies yell out a curse
         This isn't as bad as before
  The blood and bodies cover less of the floor
            could've been worse?!?!
      I'm not really sure
  Too many ideas, too many discoveries
           Horrid lies told to me
     And lies I've told myself
  It's a mysterious battle in my mind
         My life is at stake
                  Isn't it strange?
        It's not fake, it's not a game
   Lives and souls are lost
        The ultimate cost
            But my mind rages on
  With this battle that cannot be won
          I'm tired, I'm burned out
   And the war in my mind
         Has only **just begun

I let myself hope
And of all the guys
In my past
You were and still are
The nicest, the sweetest
And up until this moment
I thought I'd finally
Fallen for someone
Who wouldn't ever hurt me
But I guess that's what I get
For dreaming
For hoping
I think I'm done with that now
Once, twice.. coincidence
Three times...
It's common sense
It's me, not you

Here I am again
Picking up the shattered remains
Of my already falling apart heart
Accidentally slicing a cut on my wrist
With one of the tiny little shards
The pain, such sweet heavenly bliss

It's not that I miss you, cause you were never really mine
It's not that I regret loving you, I'd repeat it every time
But my pain has caused you misery that I'm not sure I fully understand
And the guilt lays think upon you, much more than I ever had planned

It's that I had this single drop of hope,
That my wish to have you
Might actually one day come true
But no, just another impossibility
That I'd find love and truly be happy

It ***** my childish ways and innocence were ripped away at such a young age
The one thing you want more than anything, was the one thing they had to take
And I know it sounds silly, but I hate them more now cause I blame them that I can't have you
My nightmares will come when I finally sleep, unfortunately, waking up is a nightmare too

I guess it's time to change my ways, although I've said this time and time again
This chemistry, that I thought was different, better, was just all imagined in my head
A change of heart, a change of soul, a change of my mind and a lack of passion
So many things I can't change, makes it my fault then. Wouldn't it be easier if I were dead?

There's a few days
When
I don't think
About you

Those amount to
A total of two
And one of
Those days
I slept
Through

The other
I was too
High to see
And

Too concentrated
On breathing
To feel
The expanse
Of my heart
Breaking


What does this mean to you?

More than something

But not enough to make it all go away...

I want sleep
When I close my eyes
I smile

I need dreams
To see that face
It's been awhile

I crave poetry
Only yours will do
I'm so weak

I desire love
Only from you
To hear you speak

Wanting
Needing
Craving
Desiring
Sleeping, dreaming, poetry, loving
My life

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.

Burning, drowning in never ending flames
All you had to do was reach for my hand
You walked away, with no blame
Why you did, I'll never understand

It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.

You played foolish games, so many lies
Cheating and drugs, always hiding the truth
You simply say desire got the best of you
When I finally had all the ugly proof

And I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.

In the beginning, you were the one
We were young, stupidly in lust
I think back to the good years, before we were done
Trying to remember happy times, when I must

And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you.

You, before I knew the truth, were perfect in every way
But after finding those 40+ women, it made me realize
It didn't matter what you did or what you had to say
It was over, done, no more will I listen to your ridiculous lies


No, I don't want to fall in love,

With you

Nobody Loves No One

Surpassing
The heights of all before
In my eyes
You're the perfect disguise
That and so much more
In need of a queen?
I can fulfill your dreams
Every nightmare that makes you scream,
I'll help make them paralyzed
And in my eyes, you'll see the stars
Depths and universes filled with sorrow
Yet, I could fly you to Mars
And protect you from every heat of tomorrow
The pain, hurt, guilt and regret
That you feel, I'll take it away
And no matter how bad it gets
I'll do it until the sun and moon's dying day

With all my insecurities
Faults and failures
How could anyone love me?

With all my past mistakes
***** deeds and regrets
Why would someone care for me?

With all my angry shouts
Suspicions and paranoias
What is there to love about me?

With all these scars
Curves and stretch marks
Who could possibly want me?

With all these little dark thoughts
Depressive words and suicidal stanzas
Where is that one to love me?



*And finally set me free?

Things are so much clearer
I can see right on through
All the misconceptions
And false truths
I know now life will be good
I know now, everything I should
Like I can love myself
And just focus on me
Feels so good not to care
About someone undeserving
Cause I got so much to give
And someone out there
Will truly understand
How much I can care
How much love I have
And the devotion I can share
Cause I'm amazing
And he knew it was true
But unfortunately for him
*He holds no more value

There's much more to life than what you want and need
There's others out there with more important needs
But life is full of selfish people ignoring the pain
Or so it seems
All people can see is what THEY have to gain
Look at life beyond whats only in YOUR mind
Think about the hurt of others and what they find
Inside yourself is something much more than you can see
All you need to do is put aside what's in your own world
And think outside the box to whats outside the things you believe

The memory is a precious thing
   Of what truths it can bring?

I remember being young
And hating the waiting to be old
Remembering the grown ups
   And the stories they told
Of being young, wild and free
I don't think that was ever me
  I grew up fast with an alcoholic dad
Always scared of making him mad
   He was tall and strong
Couldn't ever be wrong
But you see...
The
       value
              of
                   this
                          memory....

     Is that it's simply a reminder
Because it's no longer true
    He worked really hard
And pulled himself through
He's still very tall and strong
      But admits when he is wrong
He truly loves and deeply cares
    See why I value this memory?
Why it means so much to me?
It proves the
                 truth
                         will
                                set
                                     you
                                            free..

She can't stop
It's uncontrollable
She just wants to turn it off
She just wants a switch
Turn them off for good
All emotions...
Especially love
For forever
It only causes her pain
Unrequited love
The worst of all
"Friend Zoned"
Backed against the wall
Last attempt
Wasted down the drain
She watches it swirl down
Then drops the knife
Sinking sowly to the ground
No heart + No life
= nothing, empty
and she's finally happy

I've never loved

         or hated you more

                   in this moment...