I lied
Over and over and over again
There's nothing to be done that could've been done with what I gave you

Friends, I am sorry I **** at being just that and if you say I am a good friend
Look at what I just did, good friends don't do that to others
But, I love you all and this is the truth

Good people don't do this
Selfish people do
Weak people do
Cowards do

Family, I am sorry for lying to you and saying I'm alright
But most of all I'm sorry about how much of a problem I was
For wasting your time and effort and money
I'm sorry for causing you pain
I love you all and this is the truth

And to all others whom it may concern
Whether I passed you in the hall
Or was in your class
Or played on your team:
The world isn't that bad of a place
I just got the wrong mind
And if you look for hope its there
It just takes some time

And I love you all and this is the truth

They say the fool seeks revenge
And the wise man forgives and forgets
But vengeance is protecting others from your fate
It is being tortured and destroyed by another human being
Caring and loving other people that you risk your own life to destroy the threat for them
True vengeance is rarely for oneself
The wise man forgives the sinner out of the good of his heart
But he then forgets?
Forgets all transgressions, betrayals, and pain
The wise man lacks in morals for not letting justice prevail
And handing over an evil thing back to the world back to the innocent

The fool sees the sinner through the eyes of God
Containing anger, pity, and vengeance for those who are the hurters
The wise man sees the sinner through his own eyes
Determining the fate of another by his own hand

The wise man is a fool for ignoring evil
And the fool is wise for destroying evil

****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****.
Oh, ****.
I'm ******.
Everything's gone to ****
I can't even think straight.
Why now?
I have mid-terms tomorrow
And I can't even think straight
I am alone, so alone
It's all ****** now
And I am so, so alone

You go through the motions
You laugh at people's jokes
You exchange a smile when needed
Hell, you might even feel a connection to someone
But you can't ever get close
That's the Golden Rule

You can listen to all they say and comfort them
But you, yourself, cannot be comforted
You've learnt the lesson and played the game
To make such rash decisions
Others first, never yourself

You are forever with accompanying, making you completely alone
You are a friend to all, making you the friend to none

There's a centipede inside my heart
And it tears this ***** apart
For the bug is my pain
Sometimes it travels to my brain
Where the centipede might slither around
Causing more pain to the areas bound
It's this thing inside me, my heart and mind
It mangles my brain where dangerous thoughts are unkind
It shatters my heart leaving it broken and pained
And, from it, everyday I am drained
There's a centipede inside of me
All the torture, pain, and suffering, from it, I will never be free

You don't know what to now
Because they've 'fixed' you
And you can 'live' again

But the pain remains
The addiction
The affliction
The vengeance
The rage
The impulse
So you stop taking the meds
To start to live again
The way you love and know how

**** this ****!
You are Insane
You are Sadistic and Suicidal
A Psychopath and Manic
**Just embrace it

Do I believe there is love?
Of course
Yet it is hard to say that I have experienced such a thing
And in that it is just as hard to try and justify to anyone that there is, in fact, love

I do not know what is sadder: That I have not experienced love or the way I am responsive to it

I know who I am supposed to love
But it is no love that I can tell

But this is the truth:
I know of hate
Hatred I believe in
Hatred I am all too familiar with

I suppose I could be so enveloped in my own self-hatred
Comparing all other things to me that I love almost anything and anyone

So from my conclusions I extract this:
Because I participate in the deepest and most strewn out of hate
I know that it exists
Therefore, love, comparative to my involvement in hate, can only lead me to an assumption:

If hatred exists, then so must love

Everybody who saw her fell in love with her soul
She was so young yet her words so old
She contemplated life and after and people and the world
If you heard her speak she had a quick wit
You felt like a better person being around her
You felt like you learned something important
She fell in love with everybody who had a beautiful soul
But she falls too hard far too quickly
And she is blind to other's view of her
Maybe if someone would have told her she wouldn't have left so soon

What if you could do it?
Drop everything:
Your family, your loved ones, your job, your house, your life
And leave
To go to a new land, an unknown world
Never to return again
Would you do it?
To build a new life for yourself
Make your name mean something different
To pick your own family, not one to be born into
Have a new job, one you enjoy
Escape the monotonous days on Earth
Having a redo
A blank-slate
Would you do it?
Could you do it?

I am in a constant haze
And try to convince myself it's just a phase
But it's just the same
As those days that make my name

My dreams feel like reality
And reality, as intense a dream can be
It's a lulling sadness hovering overhead
Like a giant thunder cloud, raining dread

And I hate my life for this and much more
Causing pain to this living corpse
Is the only way to survive longer
But even with this the darkness grows stronger

The time period between being awake and being asleep
This mystical place that so little beings remember:

It's the place that I could live in for the rest of my life
For it is neither reality or a dream
A time that is neither dark nor light
Neither good or bad
The world of in between
Everything is neutral
It is the world of calmness
Nothing to worry
Nothing to be afraid of

It's the only place I can find solace
The place without sadness and loneliness
But also free of the nightmares
Undisturbed by the morbid images my mind creates
And untouched by the anxiety, loneliness, and pain of this cruel world
A place where no person can take me away from
A place where no creature can lay a claw on me
Gates between consciousness and unconsciousness
Guard this place of sanctuary

I would like to stay here,
This, I would want to make my home
But waking is too demanding
And sleeping is too necessary

I wish my home would be Hypnagogia
A place where you never sleep
You never wake
And you never dream

There once was girl
Who knew nothing but loneliness
She was a friend to all making her a friend to none
She cared for everyone but never showed out of fear of being broken
Yet again
She was in constant company but never felt it, on the inside
She loved people too quickly and too deeply, yet they never knew
She was silently being torn apart by people who never really knew her
Silently tears ran down her face so many times
In rooms where there was no compassion, no empathy
Her shoulders hunched, chest caving in, and face broken
Broken with confusion and pain and suffering
She believed that she was truly alone in this world
She never knew... she never knew how many people
How many people she meant the world to
How many people cried after they spoke to her about the deepness of the heart
How many people searched in so many places so that they might help this beautiful soul
How many people she had saved
She was blind
By self-loathing, self-doubt
She hated herself so much that she didn't even see the love people had for her

When you love someone there’s never just one reason
There is as many as the snowflakes in the winter season
When you love someone you can’t be without them
Always in your head, on your mind, their voice a gentle hum

When you love someone and they leave
They are always haunting making you grieve
When you love someone and they don’t love you back
Then you are nothing but a fool, a heart with a crack

This world is a strange place
With strange inhabitants
That have strange emotions
I can’t seem to ever understand it

And I awake in the night, the aches and pain of tearing fibers everyday to have my body rebuild them
Its an unease, tossing and turning in my bed
Turning on music with no words, nightly hymns
Yet my mind drifts to a place, not so far, for now
That was simpler, filled with new experiences with new friends new places new family
I never quite knew if it was excitement, fear, or the newness that made me feel like I was on top of the world, maybe because I was out in the world
Of course I only remember the good, the fondness of the past grows with each passing day we stray further from it
But, when I awake in those nights, I feel a longing, the breath leaves my chest and it feels hollow and shallow to breath
I miss the nights wondering the town, drinking and sharing and getting lost with people I hardly know, yet know better than anyone within 2,000 miles. I miss the family that took me in, though I was anxious and could barely communicate, it was comfort that I remember the most. I miss the routine. I miss walking and the weather and the people and the clothes and the countryside. I miss how old that country is, the food, the lifestyle. I missed being a person, with a blank slate and being an explorer.
But, most of all, I miss the mundane of that place, the bus rides, the room, the dog, the walks. I missed the person I was and the life I was allowed to live.

Even if I were to go back, it would not be the same
It was the time and place in my life that I cannot revisit, not the location
so maybe that's what I feel in my chest, a longing for something that once was and can never be again
and even more than that, the hollow shallow breath is the fear of losing even just one of those memories, lost to time, to unconnected friends, to the country and family I left with tears in my eyes and cries in my chest when riding one last time to the plaza

It has all come back
Because I did something that I knew was wrong
That I knew would hurt me, destroy me
I knew it would because I have been all too familiar with its consequences

Hope
Supposedly its a 'good thing'
When hope lives in your body you are seen as being strong and capable

But the pessimistic people of this world are labeled differently
They are the 'party poopers' the glum, the depressed, the angry
Understanding this you could come to the conclusion that I have gathered

Hopelessness is good because you can never be let down
Everything can get better than it was from the beginning
And you don't sustain that hard, sucker-punch to the gut
When everything turns to ****
Because you already expected it to

And this is when I realize why I hated hope so much
Why I never held it fast
Because it never exceeds expectation and rarely meets it
So hope, it just let's you down
It can destroy a person

I'd call these people stupid but, of course, I'd be wrong
I call myself stupid when I make such mistakes
It is a mistake
It is a sin

Maybe it's the blood
Maybe it's the scar
Maybe it's the gap
Or the bar

That led me back
To this place of insanity
I am a wrenched soul
Among humanity

For I know what I do
And how it hurts others
But I am a selfish *******
So I keep on until dusk it smothers

It was never about 'getting better'
No, I was way beyond that point
See there's a character, values, strengths, weaknesses, beliefs
That shape who we are, how we act, and how we respond

Getting better would mean I'd have to erase the past somehow
To make myself less broken, more oblivious, and happier
All of which I know to be impossible to reverse

Getting better, it's definition has changed so drastically
That it means not being the person
The person I've become
And I know I might have been more likable, fun, and hopeful
Maybe I seemed like a better person than I am now

But if you think I need to be fixed
If you think I still need to 'get better'
Than you don't have any right to be in my life
Because this is who I am now

It's all coming down again
The walls that I had started to build have fallen
And I am left with nothing but utter contentment as I gaze across the rubble
I study the wreckage and discover it is not similar to the past
There were no people involved nor consequences amongst the debris

This time the loss was internal
This time it will be kept quiet
And this time it will meld to the depths of my heart and soul to create the person I will become

And I will rebuild again and again,
Constructing new walls to form new cities that either will be torn down or built up

CeLlAr DoOr
cElLaR dOoR
cELLAR dOOR
cellar door

Cellar Door:
The most beautiful comprised set of words in the English dictionary

Why?

It could be the similar endings or how the shapes of the C and D are parallel
It could be the double letters in each word that are located right in the middle of both
Yet it could also be the way it, so easily, slides up your throat and escapes you mouth while it still ruminates on the tip of your tongue

But I personally believe it is not the letters or the sounds
It is the mystery of that one "Cellar Door"

What lies behind the "Cellar Door"?
Where does this "Cellar Door" lead to?
Can you imagine the beauty of this "Cellar Door"?

The perfection of this word is that of which the eyes cannot see and the ears cannot hear

People try to tell me that your thoughts are not you
That they’re not your character
But what better presentation of your character
Then the voice of your subconscious
And the screams of your demons

Darkness:
Darkness was my pain
My rod, my staff, my cane
For darkness I became

Not for evil, power, or gain
Nor for lust of mighty reign
But because I held such disdain
For the things to which I am chained

From the sky it fell like rain
A dark and growing stain
Chilling my shredded veins
The source of all my shame

and now i give this wisdom to you
for i am sure you think you know everything
that you know all that is under the sun
but hear me now

for was it not yesterday that you felt the same way
and was it not yesterday you then learned something new

you see:
the world is filled with mysteries that you don't already know
for i once believed the same
but now it comes to show
that knowledge is misconception
and in accepting that you're low
you become wise as King Solomon
and only then you grow

Overload caffeine
No food
Too many pills
Workout for hours
No sleep
****** nights with steel
Gaging meals in the bathroom
Blackout drunk
Loss of hope
Loss of fear
Loss of self

Someone once told me to stay alive from them
And it was never my family, it was never my friends
It was someone who was hired to keep me alive
She did a pretty good job
Even if she doesn’t care about me her acting convinced me enough
Because I can’t seem to succeed in dying

My heart is filled with something else now
Not sadness, loneliness, or hopelessness
No, it is filled with the worst and strongest emotion
Hatred, anger, disgust
It's constant, it has never been this persistent
I am one of those people who bottle rage up
And take it out on themselves in privacy
Lose their cool only when locked away, alone
But now it is here and present

Electricity travels up my spin in a suffering manner
As the pain of such shock clamps my jaw shut,
Almost shattering my teeth from the pressure of it all
Then my head catches fire and my heart retracts up
Heat burns my palms so I clench my fists into punches
My short fingernails cut into my flesh, drawing blood
Stomach light as bile rises into my warm, closed throat
A scream tucked in my lungs fighting to leave my mouth
I see everything half-vision being that these eyes are rolling into my skull
Nostrils flared and forehead with eyebrows pulled down,
Staring at the dead person in front of me,
I'm telling you in advance,
Because it's times like these if you were to ask me if I could ****
The answer, most likely, will be yes

And after all of this
I still find myself here
In the same house with the same company and the same heart
That same heart which only chases after sadness, despair, and suffering

I tried to change my heart
But that action's cost was more than a year in hospitals
And this heart only became cold and froze its contents within

I see I told myself a lie
Gave false hope
I knew better
I deserve the pain
And now I will live with this weight
Until it kills me someday

It's so dark in here
lonely,
quiet,
and lifeless

It feels so cold and damp
All noises ricochet about
Echoing all throughout
As this prison shakes and groans:

Curled in a ball
Hugging my knees
Take me away, *******, please
For it is after the fall
And you told me after, means done with all

Why do they say ‘suicide is never the answer’?
They never give any other solution, do they?
Just a caution to the wind
A guilt trip to the Internet when you look for methods
If someone put a gun in my hand and told me to defend myself
I’d place the gun to my temple and pull the trigger
If someone told me to stay alive for them
I’d place the gun on the table and do as I was told
Someone once told me to stay alive from them
And it was never my family, it was never my friends
It was someone who was hired to keep me alive
She did a pretty good job at it
Even if she didn’t care, her acting convinced me

I still see her face

But I cannot place her laugh
Or the smell of her comfort

Her voice has escaped my ears
I lost the picture of her talking

But I remember her touch
I remember how she made me feel:
Safe, protected, and tranquil
Loved and no longer alone

I remember how she understood my madness
And she took on the burden of hell with me

I cannot imagine her sitting in front of me
But I still see her soul and heart crystal clear
That is what I fell in love with

Even though the world screamed it an abomination
I regret never telling her all this
But the world has already banned our interactions

But I will never forget my love and your heart