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May 12 · 84
You do it again and again and think it'll be different
That you'll be different
But its just a monotonous path of indifference
And resentment
May 8 · 53
It's hollow inside
Surprised it hasn't died
Shattered from those who lied
Every breath echoes, "Against the tide"

Empty, lonely, but producing love madly
Pumps so slowly
heart hardened, coldly

Its life began without instruction
This heart was broken then weakly constructed
The fear and panic, the final destruction

Waiting for that moment
That all sins will commit
a heart, too late for atonement
Apr 7 · 183
i should have never left that place
that place where i didn't feel so abandoned
yet what hell i lived despite the good
and what life i led despite its promise
i ****** up and had to go
my choice, my fault, and nothing more
Apr 7 · 65
Whispers of Love
with heavy lids i open my eyes
your gentle hums bring butterflies
i hold you close, bone to bone
together, we are no longer alone
all memories dance within our brains
fascination and obsession pulse through our veins
drifting to sleep, in tranquility
_     _______   _____   _
your heart beat whispers to which i wake
i smile and turn to see your face
and once again i start to cry
seeing the empty place where you used to lie
need to be alone now as I walk up the steps,
make my way through book stacks heading to the back.
there, there's a hidden staircase, just barely within view.
i travel up quietly, hope returns anew
but voices from around the corner tell me I must move on
climbing up more flights, becoming more withdrawn
silently searching for something not quite so loud.

Close my books and pack my bags
Shoulders and eyes begin to sag
It's 12 o'clock at night
as I wander away from the lights.
to a place that touches the stars
that little space off the charts.
where heaven meets earth is where I'm bound
but I cannot reach it unless I am Found.
Apr 7 · 246
its a lonely day as I walk around the lake
some passerby's
no place to hide

its raining now, but only a mist
speckles of droplets land with a kiss
the sun's not shining, the clouds mourn
leaves wisp away, trees take on a new form
of dancing men that reach for the sky
their helpless goal, to the ground they are tied
Feb 24 · 107
I want to feel disappointed
I want to feel like I have failed
But the feeling I feel most often
Is feeling impervious to things that should bother me most

I know what I should feel
unease, disheartened, and anxious
But all I feel is placid, empty, and slightly annoyed

So I sit on my bed at 2 am and wait for something to fill me
Fear, determination, or irritation
so I can fill out the papers next to me
even with the knowledge of its utter importance
I still couldn't give a ****
Feb 24 · 76
What shall it be called when one knows they are failing oneself?
when the simple decision to succeed is the only thing lying between
the fear of failure has been replaced with the fear of fortune and good will

Because, where will the reasons for being the way you are go?
when succession is upon us

It is as if you set out, one day last week, to be the person you have always resented
Sleeping all day, staring at a screen all night and getting nothing done in dreams or real life
With sleep you are met with only nightmares, yet you'd rather be there than here
And your wakefulness only brings about regret for the hours that you spent in your bed

so you sleep again to hope that a new day will erase the problems of yesterday
but instead you bring the problems of today into tomorrow
a never-ending cycle that spins round and round until you're overwhelmed or you don't give two ***** about the person you once were or have become
i didn't think my depression was back, but it most definitely is
it has taken on new form, and fooled me for quite some time
Oct 2019 · 99
I'm afraid
I am afraid to look back and regret my choices
to confront failure, a lack on my part
to assume responsibility for what I cannot do
a deterioration that never fails to ensue

I am afraid of taking on a new life
only to destroy the chance
to lose my friends all over again
to wash away any progress or mends,
ending up short of the beginning's bend

I am afraid of what lies await, this same monotonous pain
And that profound loss of gain
Jul 2019 · 55
and I wait no longer, as the train pulls away
to find a better life, without filth or decay
but great woe there be on mine heavy heart
when the train's gone, grows shadows and dark
May 2019 · 166
Don't Open the Door
Whatever you do, don't open the door
Though you feel a presence outside tonight

What ever you see, its not really there
A kind soul and twilight: an unlikely pair

Whatever you hear, they're not really there
A mother's voice, a friend's plea, its not them, I swear

Whatever you do, don't turn out the lights
In the dark, it grows to great heights
And it won't matter if you heed this call
Because when darkness is let in, the door will fall
May 2019 · 64
I Do Not Know
I do not know if you experienced the same shame
Where all those tears were yours to blame
Or if you've known the Maker's mark
That leaves you tattered and torn apart
A soul (no body), a beating heart
That's all I've ever heard these past five years,
"You just have to make it 'til then."
Preceeded by what?
Relief, Success, an end
But, no, your trial only starts anew
With every break and holiday the same
"You just have to make it til Christmas Break."
But what is the after?
Because after I make it, I don't know how on earth I could ever do it again
But, I have no choice, and that is my choice,
So, I'll make it to Break and then I'll start it again
And make it to Spring Break
Then maybe to May
Maybe to Junior year
And maybe til I graduate

But if this is the way I feel
Through all "making it"
****, I don't want to
Just frustrated. Some things seem to never change.
Dec 2018 · 130
Might Go Mad
I hit my head
My eyes are strained
My neck, it aches
Spiderwebs form in the whites
And knots align the joints back
I sleep far too much
I eat (maybe once)
My head's a mess
My body's a wreck
And I don't think there's anymore I can take
I drink water but am always thirsty
My vision is worsening and my mind is clouding
And as my bones are showing, my eyes are bulging, and my thoughts drift only to "I want to ()"
I look in the mirror saying I might go mad, then again, I think its too late for that
Dec 2018 · 172
And That Would Be Okay
I could fall asleep on endless,
Drop from the stars above,
Drown in the darkness of the pond,
Or dance off the highest peak of the mountains.
I could drive to and through the end of the road,
Drink 'til my liver's thin,
Or dizzlily walk into oncoming traffic,
And, honestly, that would be okay
Just got to make it to break, and then... what?
Its a feeling of loss? But what did I  lose
A mere thought?
Because theres nothing wrong
but something should be?

Im missing something Knowledge? Understanding?
the 'why'
it all just feels wrong
the way i feel is wrong but not necessarily bad its just not me
im ashell of a person
my emotions are so limited and when if i shed tears it is...
why do I cry
i havent lost anything or anyone yet I feel hollow
or is it loneliness
in my thoughts, my feelings?
theres no passion

no pain
Apr 2018 · 316
What Happened To You?
what happened to you?
that you were so afraid of messing up
these words mean nothing
and being thrown to the dust
because all these gifts and memories take nothing to the test
hyper visions of misery heightened, the wise are unknown
curses and shadows brew 'round their heads
or stars and spaceships from the planet of the undead

what happedned to you that you felt so empty yet so mad and angry?
a raging fire of something unseen, something unknown
far from your reach
they say expeirence and memories shape who we are
but i cant recall a gooddamn thing that made us who we are

what happedned that you could take that bullet to the head placing that gun inside of their hand?
a trigger, a flash, a ringing sound about
yet nothing splatters at the wall because we know once and for all
that what happened to you happened to me and no matter how much you think it might be
our names will never be graved in that stone
for one
one can only
a l o n e
Honestly just a ramble of prose...
Apr 2018 · 164
I awoke on the floor all covered in dust
Sweat salty crust
A mixture of blood, sweat, and tears ran
And collagetlated in the sand
A distant humming and deepening groan
Of gutteral intent, from something below
And lifing my eyes all blackened and blue
Closer and closer it grew;

Standing above, puffing its chest
But seeing my eyes had outdone his best
He lifted those black boots again
Smashing my head, caving it in
Knocking my jaw out, nose detatchs thin

As the slits poured with gour
All i could say through broken bones was,
"I can take much... much more."
Apr 2018 · 181
the ghost in my gaze
and nowadays i am exhausted. as if, in my youthful years, my body has given up. a sickly, ghastly pain keeps me awake 'til daylight. and now i forget those dreaded nights just to replace them with sweat-filled frights, for when i lay to rest there is no more escape from the ghost in my gaze...
Apr 2018 · 244
Unsettling Places
i sit and shut my eyes
even for a moment
a blink or flutter
and i think i'm somewhere else
a lapse of time, a micro dream
i'm in a different place
i can't correctly describe it
but the way i feel is clear

its quiet, it isn't calming but its not threatening
its always dark and always a room of some sort
whether it be a bedroom or a classroom or my car
everything is still, dark, there's no temperature or wind
but i'm not numb either
and a door's always open, or a window
but everything is the same, a dark charcoal color with a tinge of blackened blue

it lasts for a micro of a micro second and i only can describe it because of how many times ive seen it

but then i become frightened because of how confused i feel
like there is something not quite right about the things which i see
then my brain wakes up and the light is seeps back in with a foreign sight before me
of a book, the wheel, a screen, a wall, or someone talking
and it all comes flooding back, at least some of it
but i still cant shake what happened and the panic that was felt
that brief moment where you belong nowhere and questionably may exist
because it feels so real in the moment as if ive teleported there

it doesnt help
not one bit
Mar 2018 · 234
The Cycle
And here i sit again,
in my cluttered, darkening room
clean clothes hang off my bed,
falling rather soon

it hasn't been cleant in months now
as I live out of a bag
that hasnt been set out since
I went back to live at my dad's

and I look at a list that's longer than a symphany
of things I have to do
at an assignment I haven't yet started
that tomorrow it is due

I sit in a chair that's hardly comfy,
and sink down to the floor
in an attempt to get myself going,
to think, which i abhor

but i then drift back to the carpet,
staring at a blank poem document
wanting such valued words to flow
but i just run into hard cement

and just as the days go by
through school, appointments, and houses,
nothing changes with my mood
and clear thoughts become ever clouded

so i stay up until the sun starts to rise
and get ready for school
and less than three hours later
I'm back to the rules

And, i tell myslef each morning,
just as i did at night
that i need to stop doing these things
just need to turn off the light

then my jaw clenches so tightly
that I'm afraid my teeth may split
and my stomach feels so knotted
caused from something deep within
and they tell me to just keep waiting
'til things go from thick to thin,
but, I tell you, they just don't get it,
this is nothing that transmits
Mar 2018 · 234
someone please put me down
I want so badly to be put to sleep
just until the end of spring
when school is done with
and decisions are gone
and maybe, just then, i could move along,
for so many worries beat down on my head
and emotions run rampant, to their greatest extent
my body is stressed and nothing comes out
i can't even **** much less calm down...

all i want is peace ...
something quiet and calming...
some comfort
that i fear feels quite embalming

yet every breath I take and every sound i make
somehow burns me at the stake
from anger, yet much more,
a type of bitter vengeance which i abhor
On Life?
Nay, on self.
This frustration damning me to hell
I want to go to sleep
Or somewhere in between

but knowing my luck
it'd follow me to my dreams
... I don't know how to do it...
it's anger
a burning wave of fury
spreading like wildfire through my blood
the sheer stupidity and irrationality of people these days
the hypocritical religious
the self-justifiers
decency is no more
and i would never say it aloud
but these people's self-absorbed *******
is justifying my reasons
to see their heads split
Feb 2018 · 351
i should probably be asleep
its 4 o'clock on a thursday morning
i never went to bed
i suppose, maybe, because i was pouring
this tar all out of my head

splashing and splintering that white, stainless floor
that beautiful, cryptic roar
then subsides with the fire
as i wait to expire

for my memories are fleeting
and there never was a cure
that magical fix i've been seeking
was only a dreamy lure

and i think my brain might've followed
that tar's gentle roar
and my heart, it left me there hollowed
as it lept right out the front door
Feb 2018 · 284
these heavy hearts
I know I've said it a hundred times and I know you've heard it even more, but I'm tired. and the funny thing is, i can't even sleep, let alone eat, and i lose all focus despite what all I've seen:

with heavy hearts and heavy minds, we lift our sleepy eyes. towards a sky above all dim and grey festering wounds to our decay. weighted down by the things not seen and thoughts we never spoke. barren land, all sleight of hand damming us to our bones.

but we wish, one day, something will come and cast away these clouds. unshackling to this weight. only then the ground will quake so we may be cast down
Jan 2018 · 212
What happens at 1:11 in the lateness of the night,
in the brew of early dew

All thoughts fall silent, almost peaceful now
And the bitterness of the day has come and passed

You only sit and listen to these whispers of the night,
And dream of dreams without ever turning off the light
For the darkness holds the living, not the dead,
And wouldn't you want to be here instead?
Jan 2018 · 472
I feel trapped
like I can't escape
whether it be this room, this town, or this wake

Whatever it is; there's no way out
and its suffocating to feel so much doubt;
to dream, so much,
yet have nothing to say

Because the meds work too well
and I can never remember myself
for any thought, I might have had,
has now become lost far in the past

So here I exist, alone, in the now
never lost but never found
anchored down, gagged and bound
waiting 'til hell's end comes dancing 'round
Jan 2018 · 158
it's everywhere
i try to set my mind aright
but thoughts and feelings,
know I'm wrong
for I sleep no more at night

too dumb to falter
too weak for help
reach to grasp
that which is never felt
Jan 2018 · 129
as eínai
maybe you will understand and maybe you won't
but there is this feeling
it's not a good one and not always bad

where you feel something is about to happen
but you don't even know what;
in a position where left is right and right is wrong
and you're ****** if you do and ****** if you don't

it feels lonely
suspended in a dreadful feeling that something is terribly wrong
choosing a fate you do not know with a choice you don't even have
Nov 2017 · 91
its these dreams, I fear, that are making me distant
Nov 2017 · 311
Sunken Tales
A feeling so nothing but everything as well
seeps to your heart
then buries your lungs
making you fickle and pale

An emptiness so bare you can't even describe
of rotten smell
and nature's quell
only dust is left behind

A vacant stare
A man-set snare
A jet black mare
Sending you to slaughter
Oct 2017 · 206
if only i wasn't a quitter
I never really told the truth
The truth of that stainful night
When the clock struck two,
and, I, overdue,
Slipped right through the light

To darkness, I laid bound
And in life, they still surround
These faintly solid figures
That only my mind configures
I wish I could be rid them

So, I always go back to that day
When I watched my brain be splayed
And I wonder what I could have done
If, instead, I used a gun
Hauntings for All Hallows' Eve
Oct 2017 · 197
Something in the Air
it was something I could feel
it wasn't even around me
it was in me:

it was...dread
that's the easiest way to describe it,
knowing the worst is coming
but having no way to stop it,
no way to warn the people you love-

until its too late...
Oct 2017 · 203
Wisdom of King Solomon
I drown myself in death, horror, gore, and dread
To keep all these noises from inside my head
I watch people die, suffer, and ****
Only to see that others have more ill-will

I fear only silence for my head starts anew
With theories and scandals to change my views
I fear this power, so I must try to run
Avoidance is survival, all meaningless under the sun
Oct 2017 · 291
what do you do?
what do you do with a life you don't want
what do you say to the ones you can't have
what do you hear in the wake of the dead,
in the dawn of injustice, to that sunken in head
what do you think when the silence seeps in
when your mind goes awry and mind will not mend
what do you see of the misfortunes given, did you deserve it because of your ungratefulness so long ago
how do you live with the pains of the past, the burdens of blunders, the lies, and the masks
a world full of color but all too blind to see
that this place is dying, and so are you and me
I'd love to know these answers
Oct 2017 · 255
the few stand alone
it was a long 2 hours of the homecoming dance
the sweaty bodies bobbing up and down
the yelling and singing ringing my ears

with the girls showing more and more skin throughout the night
begging for attention wherever they can find it
with whoever will give it to them
losing all dignity, drunk on ecstasy

where the boys sneak hits under the chaos
just to throw it on the concrete as they make their way to the car
to get behind the wheel or on top of a girl

while the rejects go outside
and the couples find a space
with the teachers watching on
with mind of safety, curiosity, or perversity

the pounding of the music sending shocks through my body
all i do is look on
to the things that most disgust me
to what I will not become

and i see this pattern that goes round and round
a dying world, a failing world
filled with the weak and void of the strong
i stare on in silence with the few by my side
watching humanity slip further from this dance
just some observations
Sep 2017 · 318
playground fun
what happened to the girl in the park
they found her bound and ripped apart
the town erupted then, in the dark
and ran down the old man pushing his cart
someone to blame, no ****** marked:
smiling, dripping crimson
children stood in the park
Sep 2017 · 254
There's a wall
A tall, thick, high brick wall
It's not in the streets or around the bend
It's in my mind and I can't break in

I try to think of deeper things
But the safety mechanism isn't in my range
It rebounds all thoughts, worries, and dreads
And then, somehow, it expels them from my head

You would think this a gift,
a God-given talent
Instead, it lets in
man's bitter, vengeful malice
Sep 2017 · 235
I am from whimpering Willows
From hidden fields and the dark moonlight
I am in the words dripping like the dew of grass
(Glistening, bright in the morning sun)
I am from the veins of the creeks
The haunted shack
Which held foaming dogs
And kindly ghosts from the past.

I am from bleached walls and late night visits, the impatient inpatient
From those crème colored walls where Horae’s heart was my only solace
I am from the scream-filled rooms and the silent nights
From six feet under to lost in the clouds
I’m from the Father of None whose heart I knew so little about
And the chimeras that danced in the nighttime to a darkly song

I’m from slashed papers written in crimson
And the soft light of dawn
From the life, my grandfather stole
to the body in her casket, cold
Under my bed lay Eros, daunting, but just, all the same
And I kept my weapon upon my desk
armed with thoughts twirling through my anxious, little head

I am from the locked doors without keys
And from false loves and false visions
The delusions of the mind and of the heart
I am from the green shining jewels of Hope
From a childhood cut too short
And an adulthood which came too fast

Born to name which was not my own
A life I would never live
From the bright white buildings
A dry throat, blackened vision, a blackened eye and a bleeding heart
In this world, I exist
And in The Separate, I used to live
But all these sleep filled nights have made me sleepless
The fuzzy grains of static fill my ears, my mouth, and my eyes
Jul 2017 · 342
i want you
i want to write but i can't write
i want to draw but i can't draw
i want to make music but i can't do it
i want to leave but its not my choice
i want to laugh
i want to cry
i want to look up to the sky
but most of all i want you
because you fill all my want-to's
Jul 2017 · 271
It was a Wall I must've built
in one of those days I was not free
and they kept me under lock and key

A Wall so hard and thick
not even a hammer could puncture it
A Wall so high and deep
where it touched the sea beneath
and rose to Everest's Peak

many times I cannot bring myself to see it
or even just to think it:
that one day it might crumble down
and I can see its protected Crown

yet I still avoid it all the time
for it was where I drew the line
on that day so long ago
where all these thoughts were my Foes
Jul 2017 · 221
and when the storm is over
retreating back into the recesses of my mind
and though the rain and wind and fog are gone
the loud bursting of the flashing lights

some clouds still loom in the sky
and the sun doesn't look like it use to shine
and I am tired and battered but 'I am fine'
and here, I have stood, for some time

where the wind is no more and no sound rings about
and though I thought so many times before
that anything was better than that storm
I sometimes long for when I knew myself best
in a rugged, torn state
where I felt with such passion
and thought with such vigor

yet here I still stand
in a limbo of mind
with a cavern in my heart
and the world's ******* rising to my eyes
Jul 2017 · 422
Hiku? Hikoo? Haiku?
cloud's rain moonlight
night sky, beneath you and I
sleep, dream I must leave
Jul 2017 · 202
if I cry out
will you listen,
for my howls rise up and drop
cold and dead in the night
and at dawn
like ice
I trickle and fall
Jul 2017 · 575
i was once there
and now i give this wisdom to you
for i am sure you think you know everything
that you know all that is under the sun
but hear me now

for was it not yesterday that you felt the same way
and was it not yesterday you then learned something new

you see:
the world is filled with mysteries that you don't already know
for i once believed the same
but now it comes to show
that knowledge is misconception
and in accepting that you're low
you become wise as King Solomon
and only then you grow
Jun 2017 · 542
the pretty has all worn off
as the man slowly took the roll from his lips, letting the smoke drift into the lights. still his breath produced puffs as it touched the night air. he watched the cold mix with the warmth of the smoke, dissipating and dancing itn the sharp, chilling wind. to the stars his eyes did carry to the yellow sky above, the hot stump between his fingers began to burn now on his skin. 'til he smelt the putrid smell coming from his numbed hand below. and with that smell and the city lights and the smoke that rose above he realized something he never before had from the loud streets and yelling cabs. that the world wasn't all that beautiful, he thought with tearful eyes, the pretty was wearing off, and the sky above that he used to love was absent of all stars
Jun 2017 · 353
Preservation of the Pure
Please trust me when I write:
Of the specter who drove my plight
To a land so far away
Where the seas turn grim and gray

You were the only light
My candle in the night
But my black consumed your day
Leading you astray

So at last, my love, it was all for you
That I did leave at morning dew
For now the day will start anew
Where I don't block your holy view
Jun 2017 · 346
Phantom Crown
I was suppose to change
But I never did
I was begged to run
But I stood my ground

For never in my most grisly of dreams
Would I think to let you down
Would I think to turn around
And leave you rotting in this town
Jun 2017 · 591
The Truth Is I'm Scared
I have this horrible habit of not feeling my feelings
I don't know if its because I'm scared or if I even do feel
Maybe in the moment I don't; feel
Maybe those emotions just throw themselves into the ever spinning ball of feelings swirling in the catacombs of my mind
And they just sit and fester

Maybe all this is true:
But where do they go, you ask.
Well its a damning thing it is
That one small, tinny, most insignificant event can release months worth of anger, despair, and fear and hate
The tiniest thing can unveil the truth
The curtains which hides my eyes lifts for maybe one moment
But I already see it and I begin to cry
Because what I see, I don't like
What I see, I hate

So I sit here clamping my teeth so hard they might shatter
Holding my breath so in my throat sobs gather
Worthless tears that don't even matter
I threaten myself, I threaten, my heart
I threaten I'll beat me until my skin parts
Yet, nothing will happen
I'll probably forget the one day that I felt
And I'm ashamed to tell you why
Because what I do is wrong:
I just walk away
I make no changes
I once again feel no more

Because I'm scared out of my ******* mind
I'm scared, and I can't tell anyone
Because if I do its real
And if its real
Then I'm ******
Jun 2017 · 402
All He Saw Was Red
he stared at his hands with his knees held close
his arms hugging his folded legs
the water ran red that night
his clothes providing an infinite pollution
as they held fast to his weakening frame
the mop upon his head fell in strands around his face
the deep crimson falling by his gaze

she always complained about his hair
how the dark veil covered his crystal emerald eyes
he now struggled to keep from whimpering
as the pipes shifted he involuntarily remembered:

the sadistic snickering, the suffering screams,
he tried to stray his thoughts but it just became louder,
the ghastly scene which had laid out before him
the numbness of the mind the freezing of a breath
and a frail, innocent bird broken on the ground

he saw it all
how he lost her all
so he killed them all

And all he ever saw was red; that was all
A little, ambiguous story
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