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And I awake in the night, the aches and pain of tearing fibers everyday to have my body rebuild them
Its an unease, tossing and turning in my bed
Turning on music with no words, nightly hymns
Yet my mind drifts to a place, not so far, for now
That was simpler, filled with new experiences with new friends new places new family
I never quite knew if it was excitement, fear, or the newness that made me feel like I was on top of the world, maybe because I was out in the world
Of course I only remember the good, the fondness of the past grows with each passing day we stray further from it
But, when I awake in those nights, I feel a longing, the breath leaves my chest and it feels hollow and shallow to breath
I miss the nights wondering the town, drinking and sharing and getting lost with people I hardly know, yet know better than anyone within 2,000 miles. I miss the family that took me in, though I was anxious and could barely communicate, it was comfort that I remember the most. I miss the routine. I miss walking and the weather and the people and the clothes and the countryside. I miss how old that country is, the food, the lifestyle. I missed being a person, with a blank slate and being an explorer.
But, most of all, I miss the mundane of that place, the bus rides, the room, the dog, the walks. I missed the person I was and the life I was allowed to live.

Even if I were to go back, it would not be the same
It was the time and place in my life that I cannot revisit, not the location
so maybe that's what I feel in my chest, a longing for something that once was and can never be again
and even more than that, the hollow shallow breath is the fear of losing even just one of those memories, lost to time, to unconnected friends, to the country and family I left with tears in my eyes and cries in my chest when riding one last time to the plaza
You said something, something that didn't make sense
With your happy smile, and beautiful face
Your perfect waist
And natural grace

"Remember the 7th grade," you said with a grin
A cold rock on your fourth digit's skin
"It was the best time of our lives," you breathed, liquor filling the air
"Seems like its just been downhill from there"

The happiest person I know
With all the reasons to be
Somehow feels the same I:
The one with a broken past
Wider hips
The one who's never felt a kiss

Or maybe we all feel this way when we grow up
To wish life was like it used to be
When friends were there and we were enough
My friend and I had had a couple of drinks, and we hadn't seen each other in awhile. She's beautiful, engaged, and has a intact family, yet she said what I have thought for so long now. I don't know if it makes me feel comforted, or hopeless.
You do it again and again and think it'll be different
That you'll be different
But its just a monotonous path of indifference
And resentment
It's hollow inside
Surprised it hasn't died
Shattered from those who lied
Every breath echoes, "Against the tide"

Empty, lonely, but producing love madly
Pumps so slowly
heart hardened, coldly

Its life began without instruction
This heart was broken then weakly constructed
The fear and panic, the final destruction

Waiting for that moment
That all sins will commit
a heart, too late for atonement
i should have never left that place
that place where i didn't feel so abandoned
yet what hell i lived despite the good
and what life i led despite its promise
i ****** up and had to go
my choice, my fault, and nothing more
with heavy lids i open my eyes
your gentle hums bring butterflies
i hold you close, bone to bone
together, we are no longer alone
all memories dance within our brains
fascination and obsession pulse through our veins
drifting to sleep, in tranquility
_     _______   _____   _
your heart beat whispers to which i wake
i smile and turn to see your face
and once again i start to cry
seeing the empty place where you used to lie
need to be alone now as I walk up the steps,
make my way through book stacks heading to the back.
there, there's a hidden staircase, just barely within view.
i travel up quietly, hope returns anew
but voices from around the corner tell me I must move on
climbing up more flights, becoming more withdrawn
silently searching for something not quite so loud.

Close my books and pack my bags
Shoulders and eyes begin to sag
It's 12 o'clock at night
as I wander away from the lights.
to a place that touches the stars
that little space off the charts.
where heaven meets earth is where I'm bound
but I cannot reach it unless I am Found.
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