You don't show any clear emotion, don't permit
Me to begin to understand why this is the way
You react, there is never a real explanation
You never thought i deserved one. i don't think
You know how much i truly felt that need for
You to just accept me, not judge me but
You don't know when to stop because
You enjoy it, enjoying hurting Me

i'm gay.
no. i can't be.
i must be staright.
ok fine not straight.
but there's still no way i'm gay.
that ****'s just not okay.
maybe I can call myself bi
and suddenly it all seems right
i did though honestly really try.
but no, definitely not straight
which should be okay.
i shouldn't be scared to go to my parents and say.
mum, dad.
i'm bi.
i shouldn't be judged by the public eye.
for my decision not to date a guy.
the word love isn't up for debate.
regardless of who i choose to date.
love is always the same.
love is love.
it's the butterfly feeling you get in the pit of your stomach each time you see them.
it's the fear in your heart that they might not always be yours.
it's the hope you have for the future.
the smile you see on their face.
love is just that. love.
i've finally accepted myself for who i am.
why can't you do the same ?

cleaned my face, fixed my hair
washed away all my tears
now stood here looking at you
wondering why, so confused
i ask around
you say you're fine
but here you are alone crying
how could you have been so stupid
how could you have let them in
you thought that they would change
well darling think again

cut me open
and let all the
ink run
from these veins,
until my words
bleed dry,
and only
blank pages remain.

i remember a time when you were
right here by my side
attached by the hip
not a thing that we would hide
from each other because we were close
and now it feels
as if time has froze
because of the decision
that we chose to make
i know it was me who initiated this break
but each day my poor heart aches
and longs for the familiar feel
of your head on my shoulder
your hands in mine
but here i am serving my time
away from you and the love that you gave
how safe you made me feel
the smile i can't replace
but in my heart i know this is right
i've got to let you go
gotta turn off that light

"it's so selfish of you to want more when others have so much less"
i'm sorry that i want a family who cares
i apologise for needing them to get on
it seems stupid of me to want them to accept my sexuality
crazy to even think i deserve someone
who believes my mental health is a real problem
i can't believe that i would ever ask not to be forced into a religion
a mindset i don't agree with
"still, it could be worse
you could be living in a war zone
starving to death
with no family at all"
what you don't know is that i'm constantly at war with myself
that my bulimia can't be controlled
that the family i have wish that i would disappear and rid them of their problems
don't pretend to understand
i already have too many people that fit into that category

My mothers beginning to worry
I don't eat enough
I'm glad to know she cares
But it isn't love

My fathers asking me if i'm alright
And I tell him a lie
I'm just as close to him
As any other guy

My friends don't ask
They don't see the signs
They don't look for sadness
Or my scarring lines

So I keep my fake smile
To keep them all away
Because even if I told them
They'd all leave anyway

dizzy with anger
the light dims in my head
why the **** does it matter to what they said?
i fall to the floor
letting the water envelope my naked body
everything is sore
i refuse to understand
to comply
hot tears race down my face
why do i ever bother and try?
when all i end up doing is crying
i looks down at my arms sighing
the water turns a crimson red
would it be so bad if i was left here dead
all these thoughts spiralling through my head
because it really does matter to me what they said

listen to the sound of me
screaming, aching, begging
for something, anything
pleading to simply be
listen to the sound of my feet
pacing, back and forth
questioning everything
refusing to understand
listen to the sound of my heart
trying desperately to keep me alive
despite my many attempts on ending it all
listen to the sound of society
telling me i'm wrong, broken
that my choice to love is sinful
that i'm forgoing a place in 'heaven'
listen to the sound of me
telling the world i don't care
that "if i'm losing a piece of me
maybe i don't want heaven"
maybe all i want is to be

you don't understand
how much it took for me too finally ask you out
and how happy it made me feel
when you said yes
i was so happy
finally, happy
you told me it was mutual
you felt the same
now it's beginning to feel like a twisted game
you go away on summer camp
you say you're having doubts
i thought you'd at least give us a chance
but it was over before the month was out
why allow me to believe you liked me
when you only saw us as friends?
why allow me to smile and be happy
when you were just waiting for it to end?
what do you expect me to say now
when i'm sat here crying?
knowing you had no intention
of ever really trying
there's nothing more i can say
now than it hurts
and that she won't be the same
because it was me who loved you first

i battle the demons inside my head
i fear what they've done
i fear what they've said
in this war, there is no winner
no hope for me
a lonely sinner

i wake up every morning
and i make breakfast
i sit beside you and i eat
i read and sometimes make conversation too
but you don't know me enough
to know that i'm not really there
you haven't really ever tried
you see the scars painted across my thighs
you hear me crying to myself at night
it doesn't matter that you never see me smile
because i'm still here
still alive
if i was to leave tonight
without even saying goodbye
would you care then
would you try
would you finally realise
that i needed you to love me, mum
and you let me down
night after night
you've let me down one too many times
and here i am telling you, goodbye

I found you
I found myself when I found you
I wasn't alone anymore I had you
I was put together there were no more missing pieces
We were the perfect puzzle
Onlookers envied what we had
We had so many crazy memories
memories I haven't yet been able to forget

Then I lost you somewhere
There were fights, disagreements
So our puzzle just broke
We feel apart piece by piece
I tried everything I tried so hard to fix that puzzle
I couldn't accept that the pieces
just didn't fit together anymore

I lost myself
I found you pieces reconnecting with new pieces
My pieces left alone again
Torn
Shattered
Alone in their box

I just want one last look
at the beautiful puzzle we shared
even though it won't help me get over the pain
The pain that has ruled over me for months
I guess I  just can't close the lid to that box

I want it to end , the pain, the torment
the feeling that I'm being ripped apart from inside out.
I walk around unnoticed
I sit crying, pleading for it all to stop.
I don't want it to feel this way.
There's nothing I can do differently,
it doesn't care.
This black cloud doesn't look at the person before affecting it.
It just does.
It just chooses never to leave.

you fell in love with my beauty
both inside and out
you fell in love with my shyness
and the personality that lay beneath
you fell in love with my broken soul
and the pieces that fit with your own
but can you fall in love
with my poisoned mind
and the destruction it brings

i can feel myself drifting
slowly
like the water that carries these boats
the clouds that take over the sky and then disappear
living on borrowed time
my own existence is temporary
and unlike this water, unimportant
the water runs one way
i drift aimlessly
no end is foretold
endless possibilities
and yet
i can just so easily cease to exist
throw it all away
decide for myself how my story will be told
they’ll say ‘she lived’
so i must

tired of being alive
i'm tired of not wanting to be alive
i'm tired of having responsibilities
i'm tired of pretending everything is okay
i'm tired of going to a house that i'm supposed to call home when 
it's not that at all
it's a roof over my head to keep me warm not sane
i'm insane
i'm tired of thinking i'm insane
i'm tired of arguing
i'm tired of having to put in headphones to block out the world
i'm tired of the world
i'm tired of writing about my feelings
i'm tired of hiding my feelings
i'm tired of having feelings
i'm tired of thinking
i'm tired of breathing
i'm tired of being tired

lying on our backs
looking up at the moon
the starless sky stares back at us
i turn to face her
she has her eyes closed
fully immersed in the moment

inhaling the third time, it hits me
giddy and careless, i smile
there's no where else i'd rather be
just here
with you
under this umbrella in the pouring rain
my clothes are still getting wet
but it doesn't matter
nothing does right now
nothing matters

Circulating around our bodies.
Emanating within us.
Blood contains the action of life as without death becomes apparent.
It's otherworldly appearance striking fear to the eye.
A distance remaining as hot blood can so easily turn cold.
Heartless.
Temper unpredictable, no reason for its outburst.
But still the desire lets itself be known.
Amounting to more than your will, the crave, the hunger, the need and the unhealthy obsession.
But always the danger, the lust and the calming comfortable ambience it presents with its presence.

I skip a heartbeat, and still I survive,
Be hit by a car and still be alive.
The clouds could drop right out of the sky,
The oceans could disappear, and all turn dry.

Life wouldn’t be the same without you,
You're there when I need you to help me through.
Through the good times and through the bad,
Be them happy, or be them sad.

I don't have to be with you, to know that you're there,
I don't have to see you, to know that you care.
We could be apart for years upon end,
and still remain the best of friends.

Life goes on, and people change,
Though our friendship still remains the same.
What a life and how things come to be.
Just thought you should know,
How much you meant to me.

stood at the stands
our hands catching the wind
we shout every word
as she starts to sing

The words that you want to be said
are never the ones you hear, you change
yourself so far you forget who
you once were. You try and please
everyone yet their expectations are
always too high. You aren't ever good enough.

sometimes I think to myself am
i the only sane one left but right now
it seems as if
it's all me
it's my fault, whatever
it is
my mental health being as unstable as
it is
it's my fault
my mum only ever showing the illusion of happiness
it's my fault
i've been told i can't do anything right so why should
i bother trying at all trying to move forward, to make progress
why can't i just end
it?

Perfect
A very confusing yet consuming word
Everybody wants to be perfect
Yet they don't know what it means
Nobody is Perfect
Nobody has ever been perfect
Sure people can think you're perfect
But you can't be perfect to every single person
There are different images of perfect
Every single person strives to be their image of perfect
But I know I don't
I know that I can never achieve that goal
So I strive to be original
Be weird
An outcast
Crazy
An individual
Me

Found alone, unappreciated.
Each finger trailing my bones, gazing intensely at me.
These judgemental stares surpass those glares encountered in life.
Found buries beside an untrimmed hedge, a locked door.
Never welcome, never cared for.
The foreign feel of these gloved hands.
This alien touch ******* me from all that I had left.
Nothing is left inmy possession.
Just looked at, not understood.
Each lain brick accounted for, not a thing out of place.
All these indentations eft by footprints mark what should have been my final resting place.

love is a big word
hard to understand
easy to misconstrue
i know that i love pizza
i know that i love my friends
but the love there isn't the same
i know that to be able to love anyone else
i need to first love myself
and i know that i don't
i don't love myself

Chiseled slightly, drained from colour.
Bones now just imitations of life, these remains left forgotten.
Realisation that it can all end so easily, your existence left insignificant.
Known more for it's death than it's eight years of life.
Sudden change changes everything, comes unannounced, death forces you to comply, to conform.
To make the illusion of your short lived life worth something.
Pieced together in a haphazard puzzle, never explained.
It's true story left unknown.

i don't really ever feel like this
but i'm here and i feel present
and i'm glad

i see my life hung out to dry
my memories slowly falling to the ground
my mind losing all colour
leaving behind a shell of the person i once was
slowly i shrink

There's just so much water.
Blinding to the eye, torturous to the skin.
I fear this is it.
I can feel my laboured breaths mimicking my beating heart.
Time has no importance.
I can sense my eyesight blurring, my body giving way.
Allowing the water to take full control.
I realize that this was inevitable but is still yet delayed.
The water envelopes my body.
Nothing can be kept sheltered, hidden as I've let myself get to this.
My vulnerability becoming me.

Did you wander the fields the way I did?
Tell the stories that I told?
Ask the questions I never thought to ask?
Were you scared of the dark the way I am?
Did you also dream of a life you could live for yourself?
Did you fight those last few days?
Did you know if your predicament?
Were you as angry at the world as I still am?
Were your questions ever answered?
Did you accomplish anything at all?
Were you able to make the decisions you wanted?
Do you still look over us today?

you see him constantly breaking me down
his words like daggers, his arms around
my neck, i drop and fall to the ground
my words stuck, i cant make a sound
i can't protest, i can't even cry
still too numb to even try
i can't breathe, i can't breathe

each day i ask myself
is there ever going to be more?
more than this life that i'm forcing myself to live
i need to know that this all ends well
that my fairy tale ending will happen
that i matter to someone
that i will find my one true love
and we will live happily ever after
that maybe my parents will finally accept me for me
maybe there will come a time when
i stop hiding from myself
when i stop being so afraid of rejection
but then i think what if?
what if there isn't anything more?
what if nothing ever changes?
what if i can't stop hating the person i am?
and i hate thinking like this but i can't stop it
why can't i stop it?
why won't it just stop?
please. make it stop!

Some days I lose inspiration
To write the words I feel
But when I put it into words
The feelings seem so much more real

I write my words of sadness
Scribbled on a page
In between spaces are
My heartbreak and my rage

The feelings I can't tell them
Or the things I just can't show
But behind my eyes I'm hurting
More than you'll ever know

i can't breathe, i can't breathe
mum, dad i truly need
for you be here with me
why can't you be here with me
why can't you see
that there's only
so much more that i cant take
the abuse, the tears, the heartbreak
it might become too much for me
i think it's becoming too much for me
some days, i just want to close my eyes and leave
- but i wake up the same old me
the one that i don't want to be

i'm just so angry, frustrated, mad
its so constant, it builds up, fast
i hate it, you know it, i do
need someone who cares, it used to be you
what happened dad? where did it all go?
did you forget how to love? to show
the emotions i know you had.

Surrounding our every decision air envelopes us in a way that feels right, needed.
Our choices made clear and immediately diminished in comparison to its calm demeanour.
Seeming insignificant in it's presence.
We conform, unwilling to understand what consenquences may perhaps come forward if these actions aren't fulfilled.
Yet we can't exist without it, we hunger for it.
Holding it close we let it in.
Allow it to become one.
Before you realize what it's capability can expand to.
Too much can change everything and just enough feels infinite.

my mind feels black
swallowed up in darkness
nothing can save me
i dont need saving
this is where i want to be
lost and isolated
alone
finally
away
from him
from them
left only with the words inside my head
and the blade inside my hand
and the blood on the ground
and the dried tears on my face
he cant hurt me here
he wont hurt me
these arents his words anymore
they're mine

sitting here empty
staring into space
wanting to scream
wanting to cry
wanting to finally let it all out
yet so emotionless
too tired to feel

It's able to diminish existence, to end life.
Fire can slowly destroy everything.
It's appearance almost therapeutic.
A glance transports you to another word , one where you're left alone to think and to reminisce.
It's auburn shade and blistering touch oddly appeals to the senses guiding you to the error of the world.
Fire can be demanding.
Can control and force you to reconsider your decisions.
It can make you conform to its ways yet you allow it.
You welcome it because what's a world without danger.

i have always loved the flowers and the birds,
loved the sunlight and the clouds that drift by
i have always loved the way the leaves move
in a breeze and that soft whispering sound they make
yet the tiredness that begun a while ago
remains like a veil over my skin
grey and cold
and as I watch the petals and the twigs that sway
outside the window
there is only a creeping sorrow where there should be joy.

it sits like november rain on my skin
enough to chill what was once warm inside
at any other time I would have called a friend
asked for the warmth I needed to ward it off
just a little is enough
nnow I just let it come
drop by drop
i feel like it's an ocean falling upon me instead of rain
that the grief of years I carefully suspended
has all condensed right above my head into a cloud
large enough to block the sun
they say it can't rain forever, that there will come a time
when it must cease, that the last drop will have fallen
thing is, i just don't care
i plan to just stay here in the cold, comfortably numb

i feel weightless
as if i'm invisible
i could float away
like a star
that no one would wish on
no one would notice
and for once, i would be free
no longer stuck to this hell I call home

angry, alone, scared
what was i thinking
how could i have dared
to stand up against you
take hold of you hand
still wasn't quick enough
since the sands
of time have already been drained
just like my head in this stupid game
of yours which you continue to play
i keep thinking that someday
things will be different
you'll both change
i guess not so here i stay
like everything else i'll leave this to fate

words stuck in my throat
words i'd never say out loud
words you'd never get to hear
words you'd never want to hear
words i've always wanted to say
words that would change everything
words that need to be said
but these words have found their place
and these words have decided never to leave



Shaking hands
with the darkest
part of my thoughts
is like making
a pact with the devil

A girl, just a girl
Can’t go out, can’t Converse
Because I’m a girl, just a girl
I want to be heard too
I want to have the same freedom my brother does
Not bear the fear of being judged
Being told I can’t but how could I forget that
I’m a girl, just a girl
I’m supposed to sit quietly and tolerate it all
Can’t go anywhere and simply enjoy
Even out here so far from home
Because I’m a girl, just a girl
Why is it that me being a girl allows
You to make decisions for me?
Because that’s just it
I’m not just a girl!

you fall in love with all the wrong people
you let them in
tell them everything
you trust them
and just like that they're gone
you were once so in love you refused
to see the other side
the fatal flaw
now you realise how stupid you were
all your emotion left raw
i hate this
i hate how much my life revolved around you
i hate that i felt i needed you
because now without you here i feel
nothing

Raw beauty of the Earth refines itself.
The Earth and it's people need each other as without it survival is limited.
Perhaps the want of need affects one more so than the other.
Greed, hunger, it lusts for its reality to change.
The nostalgic feel of home, of nature draws you in and permits you to leave yet you decide against it.
The Earth changeable within itself.
Never truly knowing its own true intentions.
Lethal.
Dangerous.
But forever secure.
Your choices insignificant, your memories, your judgement clouded as two big egos are never compatible.
Yet you both crave it.
The difference.