what are you going to do when your body's lowered?
alone in the dark with only your past.
blurred vision
drowning in delirium
what are you going to do when your body's ready to decay?
you really thought you were here to stay
what difference to the world have you really made
think again my friend
because it could all change
today actually just might be your day

looked at, talked about, judged
moving away, leaving but they won't budge
drive you crazy, wondering, hoping
yet you just sit around, alone, "moping"
"your life has no meaning!" "go **** yourself" "die"
in that corner, crying, "don't do it" "why?"
time passes slowly the end approaching
you welcome it happily so long you've been waiting
even now it couldn't come quick enough
so long, farewell to all this stuff

lying here on the kitchen floor beaten and bruised
lying here on the kitchen floor looking at you
i know just what i need to do
do you all a favour and leave for good
there's so many ways that i could
i could climb this chair to the ceiling fan
tie a knot in the rope and leave me to hang
i could find that gun hidden in the walls
one good shot should end it all
i could seek out that blade
lose my sense of right and wrong
a few deeper cuts, it shouldn't take long
all i'm saying is that i could leave here tonight
but you wouldn't care, wouldn't put up a fight
a suicide note i've had no time to write
mum, dad i'm saying goodnight

in your arms i feel safe
without them i'm lost, alone and insecure
i know you won't always be here
but i'm selfish
i need you
i need you there when i can't control the tears
i need you there when the voices keep coming
i need you there when the words don't stop
but you wont be and
i need to realise that
...

all feeling in my body gone
numb
the tears follow
my hand instinctively reaches for the blade
i pull down my sleeve
reminders of yesterday remain
no vacancies
i try again
i lift myself out of my clothes
my battered body reflected in the mirror
joy
my thighs still hold the colour of my skin
and not the rapidly familiar crimson dye
the blade makes its way down
the cold metal devours its target
1, 2, 3
66, 67, 68
83, 84, 85
and on it goes
all done

i was a different person then
i was happy

you could shred me to the core
and i'd let you

saw you across the room
laughing so hard, you cried
the perfect smile, the prettiest eyes
you were hiding behind your glasses
but then again so was i
but you delved deeper, tried
to find what i thought was lost inside
you sat there, listened and took the time
to really see what was behind
the face i put on everyday
no questions asked
no games were played
we spoke and spoke and spoke some more
you confirmed to me what i knew before
that i don't ever want to say goodbye
to that perfect smile or those pretty eyes

I want to be able to smile at You
and have you smile back, to talk to You
and actually visibly see You
having an interest in what i have to say. You
sitting next to me right now just brings
back everything . all those memories of what
i haven't yet been able to forget and how a
simple misunderstanding changed it all. You
there laughing with all your new friends, Your
back to me asking to if it's possible for You
to move to sit next to someone else.
i really thought we could figure it out, You
never allowed it to be any different. You
made it clear to me about what it was You
wanted , never once considered what
my decisions would've been. i'd have chosen You

i was a burning fire
whose flame you blew out

i've never felt like this before
this calm
this peace
surrounded by the greatest friends
i know now they care for me
laughter echoes your living room
your cat, gaining speed
stood together in a line
perfecting that dance routine
eating and drinking
making brand new memories
walking home in the rain
not wanting to ever leave

it doesn't get better

without me, their lives go on,
not once have they cared
no once have they called
for me to come to them
so they can let me know
that they do love me
and that i am cared for
maybe this is all i need
to be here all alone
and though i'm not content
and know i'll never be
i guess i've got to accept
the life that's given to me

music to me is like turning back the clock,
travelling to return to a life of agony and loss
i embrace the music and in turn the music takes control
i find myself in a different world
a world of pain
i could feel my soul become one with the music
as i unleashed my emotions into dance
i needed this as badly as i needed to breathe
my entire body moved with a purposeful clarity
my smile on display for all to see
but no one saw the tear i let roll down my cheeks

i hate how easily i can be forgotten
left as an afterthought
although i don't know how long for
just know i'm still around
you shower her with gifts and treats
while i'm treated like ****
you ridicule me, beat me and enjoy each part of it
leaving everything sore you smile
you see a bruise and laugh
a cut couldn't make you happier
a burn would be twice that
is there no way forward?
i don't want to be scared all my life
never daring to come alive
because right now i'm the walking dead
there's nothing left in me anymore
you've broken me down so much
it's as far as i can go
i wake up every morning
for what? i don't know
i only have but one request dad,
it's for you to let me go

let me be your most
brightest reflection in the
darkest night,
let me clear the cloud
of your ominous dark sky

Shining light on even the darkest of places
Enforcing happiness resulting in all sad thoughts to wilt away
It's actions aren't limited to a certain person, place or time yet no one can argue with it's divine way of capturing emotion and guiding it towards the answers that weren't ever thought to be asked.
The childish recklessness you indulge in makes you forget your problems because what problems could a child possibly have.
You allow yourself to go back to a time the illusion of happiness was real because of it.

it feels as if i'm walking on egg shells
trying desperately to keep everyone happy
being careful not to upset anyone around me
i mustn't disturb the order
but i'm starting to lose my balance
and i'm worried it'll be me
who will end up broken

from rain
should i turn into a storm?
howling like the wind
making noise
to get you to hear me?
more raindrops
more tears
to make you feel
drenched in remorse?
harsher and faster
much like a hurricane
to get you to see
how messed up i am?
when i'm strong
like the storm
would you love me more?

while i was there, you never noticed
but now that i've left
you're hoping
that i'll be back running
into your arms crying
but that reality is left broken
after the choices that you made
mum, dad, it's all too late
i wanted things to change
in the end, you're all the same
i'm sorry that you're upset
but it was you who let it get
to the point where i finally left
you alone in that house
that i was forced to call home
i'm making things change
i'm finding my own way
no longer could i stay
and that's something you need to understand

i have eyes that only shine
in the sunlight
these eyes hide
in the darkness
and even though
i've got shooting stars
some wishes can't cover the pain
i've scarred my heart with

i'm staring into the void
the darkness so inviting
i think about what it would be like
to let the emptiness consume me
then i think about what it would be like
to stop fighting the urge to jump
into the abyss
all the way down
no more problems
no more me

always here beside me
promised me you'd never go
soon the night came crawling back
and behind it you followed
without your light, the starry skies
they bring me to my knees
once you're gone, all that's left
is this cruel, mocking breeze
all those days you shone
all those times i laughed
you lied to me and now
they're never coming back

silence is the sole constant
it hangs in the air like the
suspended moment before a falling glass shatters to the ground
clinging like a toxic cloud that could
at any moment choke the life from me
it seeps into - every - pore
its qualities paralytic
i liked it that way

an icy wind
choking the breath from my lungs
i remember the storm
and all it took
it stayed inside
locked away
a burning shadow
no time to waste

i dont know why you stay
but im so thankful that you do

consumed by pain, my eyes they close
these tears they drop as you get closer
i want you gone and yet you stay
hand in hand, we walk away
listening to you, i start to believe
that there's nothing more that i need
no food, no sleep, no therapy
just us together, you and me
you walk me closer to the edge
you push me off and leave me dead
consumed by pain, my eyes they close
only difference this time is that they won't open

the fear embraces me
- the pain gives me comfort
the emptiness is all i need
and all i want
i can go without food
without water
without you -
but what i really seek is the silence

like a bird
he cut off my wings
the cage is open but my heart it stings
i’m now his puppet
******* by strings
burying me alive
rubble weighing me down  
my heads under water so i will drown
i have no choice for he wears the crown

the words that were once too hard to say
now fall out of my mouth
but you still don’t wanna hear them

i’ve lost our footprints in the sand
lost to your tide

there was a time
when i struggled to feel
and now it consumes me

if someone were to ask me to describe how i feel
i’d point to the naked trees, the empty schools
words no longer hold that ability to describe
even the clouds come and go
mocking me
where the **** are the constants in my life
i miss the regularity
the certainty
that a single thing will remain the same way tomorrow

behind the face carrying the biggest smile
the silent screams echo
get them to stop they’re getting too loud
no one knows where I go
when you turn off the light
and you say it’s alright
the girl you meet is not me
stuck in a place only i see
losing my mind, slowly
thoughts rushing inside, so deep
how many times can you believe
this constant fear, on repeat
that this is all that’s left for me?
why can’t I just ******* leave?

Everything’s shaking
My mind can’t decide what to believe
My starry skies disappear behind your darkness
Time has passed and you remain
The memories, the pain
Consume me entirely
I see the smiles and the laughter and my face moves accordingly
I’m trying but they see right through me
They know
Where have I gone
I was right here and now
I’m right there with you
That’s all you wanted
My stars in your sky
My system blank
My lights all out

time may heal
but the wound remains

let my lungs ache
like my heart did
maybe then of you my mind would be rid
gone and away
i’ll be sky high
not a care in the world
one last goodbye
why do i suddenly matter when i’m no longer there
can’t be with you
and i can’t be without
you wanted me gone and so i left
if i scream from inside will it echo in your shadows
these thoughts haunt my every night and yet i know they aren’t enough
i don’t want to exist as a distant memory
i want to make it through what they thought i couldn’t
i deserve much more than i’ve allowed myself
it only took time for me to realise it

all the pain that i've felt
i can feel washing away
every word of his, it's like
a brand new day