I get so mad knowing you will never understand what I see.
You can’t see the pain,
the memories,
or the people who make up these images.

My mind works in such an otherworldly way,
I wish it wasn’t so far away.
I wish I could just share it with the world.
Even if the vulnerability hurt me, it’d be worth it to be less lonely.
All my thoughts could be appreciated,
and in their own light,
to the right people only.

I think in sentiment, so the clues of the portraits I create,
would communicate in clear secrecy, the truth they bear about me.
This unimaginable beauty,
that even I only see in glimpses,
would maybe a have a place,
could maybe be hung in a museum,
sold in an auction,
stolen for its value,
fought for to save.
It’s infinite.
the stream, the river, the trees, the forest,,,
the undetected particles in the air glowing in the ray of gold squeezed between the canopy from the sun,
the world of green and blue underneath the repetitive streaming and complicated designs that carry rainbow colored fish,
even just the emptiness of sound at the precipice before the greatest vastest canyons of our earth...
You can’t dare to frame a single one of these without spending every medium you can find.

And now I think I get it:
Art cannot contain the beauty we see and feel,
It is meant to be a crack of a window to the inside of what's real.
Art borrows a pinch of the beauty to show the others a glimpse to awe at,
And if successful, that small crack may bring one into the glory of it all someday.

I get roped in,
I get caught every time.
The smell of bait is always attracting like a word’s next rhyme.
And I can’t seem to get out of this trap I find myself in so often,
All I need is a glance, a smile, a touch, and I find myself in this coffin.

You see, I write about these things so routinely.
It takes up all my emotion,
And my thoughts are formed obscenely.

I am either running
From the things I dream at night
Or dwelling in my sleep
Until I can't stand my waking self.
My character seems to hang by a thread’s might,
And I now see it lacks in wealth.

In time I feel something new
The peace of life, life renewed
I see a glow of light it sees me and brings me sight
I am guided by natures call
oceans roar or rain’s fall
I fear separation from this feeling
I fear the cage of a forced life
Give me a hope a feeling that I can hang onto,
a great awakening so I can do what I want to,
No, so I can do what you want to.
Peace is greater than fear and yet I find the greatest peace mixed with the latter.
Oh, all of my creativity,
Why does it seem to give me anonymity?

I could cast my gaze toward anyone,
but connection comes in small moments of understanding:
When we direct our attention long enough to contemplate the colors,
To regard the size of the darkness we see the world from.
Sometimes we only catch a hit-and-run,
But when it sticks, when souls connect, and we see the other for who they really are,
It leaves me with something I can't forget,
My mind has yet to find a greater but just as simple communication in adoration of another creation.
There's something powerful in the one-on-one,
Undeterred by surrounding crowds or events in motion all around,
Eyes still meet and lock, no passing thing can break their talk.
With every burning second the mirrored sensation of optical reception resembles the sweet weariness of a Nordic midnight sun.
And then it breaks as thoughts swirl in passion heated from skylights.
The warmth runs through the whole body, just seconds filling every cold spot.
As the windows close no one knows, but those dark spots and colors burn in the silence.
I think you may understand, relate in some way, but in reality these words aren't for everyone.

Have I lost what I’m just beginning to realize
is most important to my heart’s longing for home?
I was formed in this comforting hurting place of greens and golds and blues.
Help me,
I’m crying in the home-sickness of my bulldozed childhood house.
The rain that blurs my tears,
The fog that hides my fears,
The cold that gives warmth to what’s dear.
Like my memories slipping,
This sense of security feels,
lost.

Its a moment in time,
it finds me ever so often.
Like a vague dream that lingers throughout the day,
Or like a childhood home that isn’t gone but isn’t the same.
I miss it with so much of my heart,
And I go back to it often,
It reminds me where I came from, why I am me,
It reminds me of true friends who deeply care.
The moment seems passed,
but the friend I think of often,
I can’t think of a better person than the one of this moment,
I wouldn’t wish any life without them in it.
Its funny because they’re here,
But consistency doesn’t come often,
I see a future in their eyes that I can’t forget,
It’s home and I feel I am always chasing it.
They’re not the one,
at least now,
But their character stays with me often,
Like your deep passion that leads you to a life career,
Like those postcards of paradise that lead you to your own .
I don’t know why she’s stuck around so long,
I don’t know why it comes back so often,
The peacefulness is kind of melancholy and lonely,
But the kind of lonely that you share with another.
Its almost taunting its place in my life,
How it follows between friends so often,
It never seems to fit, like a daisy taken with the weeds,
Like a singer in the shower, with no audience to listen.
I want my friend close,
But how with pain so often?
I can’t seem to bring the past to the present,
I just want to acclimate to the change without loss.
I could go on forever,
My heart cries often,
This may just be a guide for one to come along,
It may just lead me to a home with similar peculiarity.
I will carry this flower,
I will smell it often,
I won’t forget the past with all the good it brings,
I will take what I’ve learned and trek to my home out there.

Why couldn’t I find home in you?
These parts of you I will never get back,
All the colors that rush through your head and eyes,
Your distinct and special parts that make you enough.
I wish my passion and desire for meaning weren’t so rough.
I feel like just
                          closing my eyes,
                                                    pluggin­g my ears,
                                                           ­                  covering my mouth.

I would rather shut out the reality of the pain you and I have been through,
and experience my heart of dreams

                                                          and places I’ll never go to again,

my home I may never find.

I hate that I couldn’t let you in?
I hate that I felt lost with you?
I hate that my mind won’t agree with my heart.

You are an artist and you create the most beautiful expressions,
You’re quite brilliant,
You light up the whole world with your honest kindness,

At times I know I didn’t deserve these godly reflections.
So WHY did you feel I was the right one?
WHY have you only captured my heart when I don’t have you within arms reach,
I know it’s Because My Mind is let loose and it finds ideals to grab onto and leach.

Stop taking my glances.
I swear they’re tearing me down.
I get caught in these trances,
And I lose more of myself.
I feel empty each time.
They aren’t just open chances
I hear the world’s whisper,
But I feel the heart’s scream.
Each pair of eyes are a sister.
I want a mind as clean as snow,
I want my heart to be someone’s home
But I fight these these feelings as my fists get blistered.

And I left, got shipped off for who knows how long. I left most of home, all except Dora, and maybe the trees.
And the moon never leaves me anyway.
I was feeling as blue as the shadows of the night.
The fluorescent shining down every twenty steps,
I even miss the tungsten no matter how ugly it is.
Walking empty to the store, I found myself as you do in another dimension.
It’s too late to be here in reality.
Wait... was that... oh weird.
What are they doing here? And who is that?...
She talked to me, and the others faded into maybe another aisle.
We walked past bakery goods,
We walked through the arts and crafts,
We walked past the entrance,
Talking the whole time.
I knew you weren’t the one,
You weren’t her,
Maybe you were one of her?
I don’t really know yet, but something keeps happening.
You ran your hands along my arm and pulled me with you.
As the end felt near,
We looked at each other, and the hug sealed the connection that needed a stamp.
We held our bodies to each other until the warmth filled us up.
It still always fades...
Goodbye.
I don’t know what I’m going back to now...

My eyes, that I carry in my hand.
They let me hold the beauty of this land.

Just a square, it’s not much to revel,
Even with its grid and with its level.

It goes beyond some glass and metal,
It opens my heart and mind just like a kettle.
The steam and scream find their place in self esteem,
Because through these eyes the world gives sighs,
And I finally find a reason why life looks oh so green.

You made me feel like I had to earn your love.
Like I didn’t deserve your attention
Your age played a factor in my worth or my voice.
But I couldn’t go to you for advice.
I wish I could go back a little to face some of these truths,
With the freshness of memories I no longer have.

Running through the dark,
like you’re not scared of losing your heart.
I watch as you embark,
set the sails to the wind and change this ***** part.

You don’t light up the world, but you allow me to see.
The truth still hurts,
But everything is now warm and full of life.
All the beauty around me,
I can feel it and touch it,
It wraps me like fog hugs the mountains.
I can’t help but slip into dreams,
Even while it’s right in front of me.
The worlds that you create break my mind into rosy memories to fuel my sentiment and comfort every day.

Is there a difference between being anxious and being careful,
The fear of not taking caution, when all you’ve taken in the past is lost in sin.
My streams of encouragement aren’t running dry, but they seem to be damming up at my mind.
You can’t understand the weight these feathers have on my heart,
Your scales work in reality,
Mine float along in a dreamscape endless fantasy,
Pulled down at one end where I see all future of peace and perfection.
All I can see is the undefined, the forgotten in time, only mine.
Help me drown and wake up back here, I won’t get far up here, looking for my dreamt of dear, all I need is one good hear,
Listening to your whispers of truth.

These emotions fuel fires,
I get excited watching them burn.
Every time I look it has a new flare,
So bright I don’t want to look away,
It spreads and I don’t care,
I let it destroy just to watch it go.
I sit here tossing more gasoline,
just to smell the evergreen,
It only lasts as long as it burns.
you’d think the arsonist would be the one who learns,
but mistakes don’t make lessons if they feel good,
when you think you can fix them on your own,
you only get so far till you get what you’ve sown.

My mind’s like rock but lava,
Ice but calving,
A mountain in avalanche,
Dreaming of insomnia,
A lion being hunted,
A man in the news.
Quickly removed from vital values,
No longer known for strongest qualities.
Easily swayed by a metaphorical gust of wind.
Reduced but mistaken by foundational niceties.

Under the water,
Watching as the silver surface moves.
Quickly calm, as the darkness pours into ears.
The mind at rest,
Apart from the world the silence is best.
The pressure pushing into softest of spaces.

The lake is thick,
Swimming between fingers as if to hold its hand.
Keep on falling,
In a world lacking gravity,
Reaching for something to hold whilst knowing there’s nowhere to stand.

I don’t think the possibility of the emptiness of unfulfilled passions changes the magnetism that radiates from the same possibility of the joy in their fruition.

Is the confidence foolish,
Is the necessity folly?
But no, all the incantations of my past have yet to ruin me.
And despite all of the pain, it doesn’t ruin the lover’s prophecy.

So take my hand,
Even if it’s just to examine.
So take my eyes,
Even if they’re deceived
So take my heart,
Because I rather have you crush it, then to never see it bend or fold.

But I don’t see your heart the same,
No, I want you to be protected with the utmost security,
To be free of heart ache even if ruining my name.
But I know this doesn’t make sense.
The fullness of your heart would experience pain to find the greatest love beyond our game.
And the fact that I helped you get there,
Well I hope I can find joy through that.
Cause all I feel now is an undeserved shame fueled by you...

I can’t seem to understand,
how drifting dreams can pull my hand.
You won’t let my mind take leave,
Crushing me with cords of creativity
Your personality screaming in my ears,
and blinding me with yellow,
finding almost every way to make me feel low.

What deathly horrors attracts these thousands upon thousands of crows,
When they came there was something in the air that froze.
They veil the sky, drown out all noise, cutting through the vacancy of empty leafless trees,
Never do they fail to arrive, or come quietly one by one,
They come out of nowhere, but to tell the whole city there is no sun.
As they cross under clouds, the ****** increases, seemingly never ending like the dark skies that precede them.
All of Bothell seems to joke with its ever dark skies and black bird cries.

Into this cloud of canvas I could fall,
Shaping my emotions like treasures on the wall.
Like a deathly hunger I cannot ignore the roar,
It deafens with its deceiving grin,
So loud in silent reality,
So bright in dark decree.
Fleeting forests fountaining, feelings flourishing,
Sacred sunsets sadly singing salutations.
Nimble notes noticed near nassaus nothingness.
Is it evil that paints this mural of my heaven?
The paint on the inside of my skull never dries,
before another coat drenches the lofty skies.

The anesthesia is setting in.
I can feel the numbness spreading through my limbs.
All the pain and struggle of the past is being clouded over now that I’ve given way to the same destructive desires.
It’s like nothing means anything anymore, but consequence every single broken moment still requires.
I don't know how conviction will find me in this crowd.

I’m slipping, I’m falling,
On my way down I see you threatening my standing.
I don’t know why I put up my defenses,
Like I’m at risk of losing my pretenses.
I can’t celebrate, a stone wall rises before I can appreciate.
I punch the brick to distract my mind.
So I can’t think about the intricate truth.
My hands go numb while handling what I find,
But my mind won’t let you go when my failures are proof.

Does this wall that separates me,
From the chance I have to fully be free,
Require another, a strong and guiding future,
Some opposite to rectify, or is that just a rumor?

A rose in light dawning,
The life of the earth,
A season of thawing.
Oh golden light, leave me now,
This endless fight, something new to be found.

You’re a flipped mirror upside wrong, right side right where you don’t belong,
Can’t tell where the end begins,
The horizon is the only thing that lives,
Unless the bottom drops out into a free fall heaven,
Taking with it the hopes that the reflection could be more than a hand made inception.
Let me fall back into my own right side wrong.
I wanna be in the background that finds its basis in the foreground,
So maybe I’d believe that the beauty exists in me,
So maybe the creativity could set me free.

Maybe I didn’t do it right.
Maybe I didn’t wait long enough.
Time let’s things fall into place,
And I wonder sometimes if they could have if I just insisted against the race.
I let your eagerness fill me with fear,
But I could’ve let my heart be more clear.

It hurts everytime I see you.
It hurts knowing I am uncertain.
Interest is rare these days,
And I often fear the lack of my
Judgment due to my idealistic ways.
I just hope you know you’re more than enough,
I can’t bear the weight of your heart in haze.

As the train rolls by,
ground shakes,
the tracks thunder,
and the breaks squeal,
I feel another destination calling from the cars,
I see a place in the windows through the dark.
My dreams seem to convey the same kind of reaction.
A distant location I am carried to through my mind’s locomotion.
Each arrival is just as beautiful as the last, but in turn and as well each arrival is met with an instinctual tinge of pain from the unknown knowledge of swift and soon departure.
I constantly desire a ticket to ride, sometimes I think I find one in different people, which makes it unbearable to let them go when I know how close I am to home.
I just want to ride that train, someone help me find driver.

It was New Year’s Eve
And none of it felt like a dream.
I met you just casually,
There was no motive, no awkward intrusion,
It all happened so naturally.
As our day went on,
You happened to never leave my side.
With a mind so utterly confused,
Your presence fulfilled,
For having one share a feeling of mine is something I could’ve never refused.
You were something new in a sea of it,
It’s funny since you brought peace whereas the rest of it brought darkness,
You must be a vessel full of righteousness,
Oh where are you princess,
Are you lost on an island,
Are you in a war of nations
Are you asleep like me?

As we sat together in the dark,
The luminous color giving life to the night,
I had never felt so right.
But what does it all mean?
I mean,
Can you take meaning from a faint seam?
Because I often look too closely at empty occurrences...
But this was different.

Twisting of beauty should not deform the idea, the beauty itself.
Why oh why do clouds of black, rain down on the subject of shame and pain?
Why can’t the weapon be materialized?
Why can’t the lies be realized?

Beauty is the best source of pain.
Take a thing high in glory,
Pure and pleasing,
Disturb the foundation,
And watch it fall.
The height lets it into the darkest hole.

Why is this so?
Why must what is made most magnificent,
Suffer from a subtle switch of substratum,
To break and bend hearts so badly beaten,
Until it becomes easier to drown in poison then,
To take a breath of oxygen?

Drive away from here, there's another world,
Outside the bubble of the star killing light,
Lit instead by the milky way's night.
Skyscrapers covered in snow,
Windows covered by forests in alpine low,
Suburbs of wildflowers by dew softly pearled.

The paintings!
The rain has destroyed the art.
The colors drip like blood from the canvas,
The shapes mix together and blur with the meaning.
No one could plan this.
The memories!
The shame has broken the heart.
My honesty crumbles each time I’m reminded,
Their brush strokes fade under new ones,
Like no one minded.

I’ve been falling.
I’ve been feeling the cold,
It breezes through my bones,
And the very moment it chills me,
Your warm embrace fulfills me.
All I can see are the colors falling through the air,
Each holding memories I can’t get back, it’s not fair.
It doesn’t matter how cold it gets,
Home won’t fail to heat me from the inside.

I remember why it hurts so bad.
The moments from the past, felt stronger then than anything now.
The emotion flowed like a river in a stream that was flooding.
Now I walk through their dried up beds and wonder what they were.
Every once and a while I get pulled down by a flash flood,
But nothing will compare to the old water line.

Have all the instigations of my heart issues
dawned insinuations of my used tissues,
Or am I the one to blame?
Can I trust a mind that never stays the same?
How are there no answers,
in the windows of your eyes?
Why aren’t my instincts strong enough to overcome these lies
I make up in my mind,
the ones that bring peace,
but only for a time in between my insanity?
For the very next moment I’m wise enough, I wish I was always wise enough, to come back to reality.

I want to burn the insides,
Smoke out the pain of the third time.
If this is what it takes to find my place,
I don’t know if I can go on.
As long as its always you and never me,
I’ll be fine, maybe just skip a beat.

I’m sorry I left my fingerprints,
I feel like I stole color from your painting.
But I still want to visit the museum,
I don’t care the price or the length of line.
I don’t mind the reconstruction time.

I can’t let go without rejecting part of me or emptying my dreams.
My soul won’t let me feel right if I drop hope.
So I’ll stay home and keep writing my poems,
Until I know the museum is open, ready for tentative visitation and revitalization.

Where was I just?
How long has it been?
Recollection from a life once lived, where do these places, feelings come from.
I know they can’t be real,
Or is there really enough in my mind forgotten that has come back to haunt me?
Nights with the best memories made in a different mind,
Settings with enough emotion to hold my confusion in line.
I don’t know if I’ll ever understand this faux nostalgia,
But I hope I cover it with reality when I’m around ya.

She cares about me.
She looks me in the eye and smiles so hard it makes me wanna cry.
I haven’t been so loved since, hell I don’t even know when.
And I don’t think it has anything to do with,
Who I am or how I see her.
The golden light just bleeds beneath her skin,
and she says,
“I just like to make you grin”.

I’m gonna break a bone,
Through every single mental groan.
I tried to take the beauty, but I couldn’t hold on to the life that gave it meaning.
And through your colors, washing me with new things,
I could still only find darkness without agreeing.

Hands Cold.
Finally feel hard enough,
To protect my filtered soul.
Sins Told.
Surrounded by a little trust,
Enough to keep me sold.

The heatwaves pressed me down, sweating out my moral code.
The others watched or listened,
Breathing heavy but their judgement never showed.
Held on tight to warmth, let the thoughts pass as I rode.
Gripped so tight it burned,
Remembering the feeling and depth through the blankets I fold.

At the pinnacles of right and wrong, where life is changed and paths are drawn,
When your thoughts are surrounded by the hardness of stone,
And intertwined with small traces of gold,
Don’t lay on the rock and feel the cold,
Burn away all that traps and treasure the gold.
Those small shining pieces are what holds the truth,
The solid fixtures of wisdom and proof,
The only part that may bring you through,
In the darkness and chaos of all the paths you drew.

Covered by leafy canopy
No one knows where the light comes from
Led by a vague presence of direction
Look at the green,
That’s all you see.
Lost in melancholy,
Lost in being lost
Looking for a reason to be found,
Looking for an idea of who could find.

Why is it so hard to love you?
It’s not that I don’t want to,
Or even that you don’t deserve it.
I just get stuck between the unknown and the desired.
You could be the greatest, the sweetest,
But you aren’t the song I’ve gotten used to singing.

You make me feel unwanted.
I wonder if maybe it’s my fault::
          Did my silence make you leave?
          Did I bore you with my wrongly
          timed lack of energy?
I question my value.
Am I just not good enough for you?
You send signals I perceived as mixed.
You’re too kind to be a random passerby
Your blueberry eyes lock with mine for too long to be a courteous habit of life.
You don’t really compliment that often do you?
The hardest to dismiss is the week we met.
The proximity for prolonged time,
The warmth from how close our bodies were set.
Maybe I’m just mad of cabin fever,
Too long to distinguish hopefully wishing from an interested soul.

With all of the pain, the regret, the mistakes and failures of youth.
How could you let your children fall into this?
I didn’t see it coming,
I didn’t know it could get this dark so fast.
I didn’t know beauty could ruin your mind.
Our basic desires we were born with, are now ripping us apart inside.
And I feel alone, I feel abandoned.
I just wanted love and comfort,
but I received the piercing emptiness of “too soon”.
At least we didn’t go all the way,
we didn’t get married.
Not that a future with you was inconceivable,
but who knows where we’d be now?

After leaving your side, and watching you cry,
We couldn’t talk or even say goodbye,
I still can’t believe after all we went through,
That it ended on this mountain we climbed to.

I promise I didn’t care any less about you,
I know it was me who walked away,
But it still hurt to lose my best friend.

I just wanna be happy for you,
Even when I don’t understand,
Why we had to end,
I just wanna be happy for you,
Even when I don’t understand,
How to watch you with this man.

I can’t speak for you, but it took me so long move on.
Cause all I ever new was simply up and gone.

I hope he gives his best to you,
I’ll pray for the future you’ll experience soon.
I’m thankful for what I’ve learned,
Even through the way things turned,
Life is too short to let go of friendships with ease, so I hope you never leave.

Is part of getting over you,
Disregarding my influenced interests?
Is it unhealthy to hold on to what made you the one that stuck in the back of my mind,
Even when my heart no longer pined,
For you.
I’m discovering new beauty,
Yes it’s great,
Should I set down some souvenirs,
Were they solely for you and me?
Golden light,
Will you still shine?
Maybe in a different time,
Strung by new threads of twine?
I’m ready to pursue,
Somewhere I have not yet flew,
Find something new of mine.

They always run away to die,
Never falling in my arms and singing to the sky.
Will I ever know the breaking point,
Between the dust and the clouds above us.

Help.
I can’t stop writing.
I’ve stopped thinking,
And started pouring my feelings out through my fingers.
I find some release, but this sharp pain always lingers.
What comfort can I find writing down these ineffable emotions,
When perfect words surround me like oceans?

It’s running and fighting.
Respectively.
Fighting the running to grasp some humility,
but fearing the loss of value in my true location,
my true state of being.
Do I fight just so I don’t become a disturbance,
My own mind dying, just so I don’t receive more rejection?
It is either protection or pride.
While still chasing that perfect child,
I listen to the lies that keep me from something that might actual help.

You brought me to my lowest low,
You said, "I sent them so you wouldn’t go."
And I know you were looking for something,
I'm sorry I caved, and gave into your lusting.
I wish I could’ve been forever,
but you know now that life wasn't meant for us to be together.