Why is it so hard to love you?
It’s not that I don’t want to,
Or even that you don’t deserve it.
I just get stuck between the unknown and the desired.
You could be the greatest, the sweetest,
But you aren’t the song I’ve gotten used to singing.
I feel like I made a life altering mistake.
Normally I believe everything happens like it’s supposed to,
But this just feels wrong,
I’ve never not felt a pull between us,
Maybe somehow someday it will all be rectified,
But I just can’t get our story out of my head.
I’m scared of you, I’m scared of being near you but near you nonetheless is where I wanna be.
What did I do, what did I do, what did I do?
Did I not listen?
Did I not care?
Did I jump in too fast?
Where were you?
Where was I?
Did I say yes to her too fast?
I didn’t even look for her love but I had always had my mind on yours.
This was the worst case of bad timing,
I’m afraid I ran away,
Even in college,
Maybe I was ashamed,
Maybe I was too immature,
Maybe this is all in my head,
All I know is I’ll know someday.
Even if I have ruined it all.
Somedays I think it will make me feel better.
Other days I wake with- other days I stay awake until the sun hurts my eyes, and it no longer feels warm, just hot.
My heart feels missing.
My mind feels messy. *****.
Everything is too loud and I go again to drown it out.
But I scare easily, so I run away by going nowhere.
I hide until I see nothing.
And when I see nothing, I’m too afraid to see anything.
How can I find a door when the whole house is burning.
Maybe this new bottle will help me find the door.
I can’t stand Kenmore.
Everything I’ve lost,
Not to be dramatic,
But more than a relationship or two was left there.
A place of romanticism,
A place where everything was nice and new.
I left a piece of me, I think a few of us did,
That same McDonald’s on the corner,
A memory burned deep no matter the relevance.
Those camo vests we wore,
The inflatable house we hid out inside,
Countless rounds of ping pong,
A circle of friendship that hasn’t seen the light of day in half a decade.
Driving to Kenmore in the dark and rain,
It feels like life rubbing a sad scene in my face...
Just let me turn my face and fall asleep,
Cause I don’t want to feel false regret or pain no more.
With what eyes did you call me over that night?
You wanted something from me or of me,
I don’t understand.
I wish I weren’t so moved by,
Spiritual stories and my sentimental high.
You see, emily called me before you did.
I saw you and wanted the mystery I made for myself.
You just happened to fall into my fantasy.
At least until you changed your mind...
Getting too heavy for my backpack.
This is why I write so much,
This is why I “cry” so much,
This is why photos will never lose my touch.
There is always more to write,
There are always more pages of white.
One day I will start a story I can finish.
One will illustrate the novels and write the sequels.
Best sellers are all I see ahead.
Something’s not right,
I can taste metal.
But that’s why I came here,
To inspect the darkness.
Because even in fear,
I’ll search for meaning.
The danger doesn’t bother me,
As long as I find my story.
Try to **** me,
Try to hurt me,
I’ll take it as a badge to wear.
Look at my intrigue,
I have something you don’t...
It’s all just character that’ll make me more unique.
My mind’s like rock but lava,
Ice but calving,
A mountain in avalanche,
Dreaming of insomnia,
A lion being hunted,
A man in the news.
Quickly removed from vital values,
No longer known for strongest qualities.
Easily swayed by a metaphorical gust of wind.
Reduced but mistaken by foundational niceties.