what a gentle beat.
a melody we created.
no one has ever played me like you do.

you may have every dance.

don't fall in love with me.
for i have a tendency to pen metaphors
of all the ways i'll
inevitably break your h e a r t.

the loneliness doesn't bother me quite as much
as being alone w i t h you does.

when i tell you that i'm going to love you,
i hope you never wonder or doubt that i will love a l l of y o u.

i will love you the most
when you're falling to pieces,
when you can't stand on your own two feet,
when you h a t e me.

because i'm not signing up to love you only at your best,
but especially at your w o r s t.

why should i wake?
only to make my bed.
cleanse my body.
eat without taste.
work myself to the bone.
be overlooked day in and day out.

grieving the loss of what was never there?
where are my answers?

no.
where is my will to live?

i stand with arms wide open, ready to welcome you home.

and there you are
running, running, running,

to the one that has no arms for you.

i don’t think the sadness ever goes away.
at least in my case, not for long.

right before a genuine smile
my sadness reappears with a camera
that blinds me with a flash.
“say cheese” it taunts me,
“yes, just like that.”
fake. a portrait.

and just like that once more i am engulfed
in a ravaged state of despair.

when i sit with my mother to spend a moment together
inside i die knowing that i her little girl
doesn’t want to be anymore.
but i just can’t do that to her.
despite the sadness and madness i don’t ever want to imagine her hurting because of me.

so you see this sadness that never goes away... is tearing me both ways...

so tell me where do i go from here?

not one soul
can t o u c h me the way you do.
no arms, no legs, no bodies.
just your b a b y b l u e s on me,
and i drown.

let me rest my head upon your shoulder while you run your fingers through my hair.
then whisper to me how i can get through this.
tell me i can fight it one more time.
tell me.
for i fear this time i won’t win.

i'm sorry i broke your heart
before you could b r e a k mine.

with you,
i was constantly looking over my shoulder,
waiting for you
to catch up on our love.

when i said, “leave me breathless”
i didn’t mean for you to unplug my oxygen.

i still remember how stupid i was when i was with you.

frozen in place, i
watched you sharpen the knife
that you used to tear me apart.
nothing could have made me move.

i thought that was love.
giving up pieces of yourself.

in case i didn’t make it clear enough when i died for you.

i love you.

and that right there.
your ignorance,
nailed my c o f f i n.

i didn't love you.
not then and not now.

i loved the idea of what we could be, together.
somehow we'd be the ones to defy the odds.

but now? what i wish the most is to free myself from the illusion that we could ever work.

this is the end of the impossibility of us that lingers.

i don’t care to find love.
not in this world.
not where promises are b o r n to die.

when the dark skies were here
the words wrote themselves
from the blood pouring from my veins.

now the blue skies are here,
the hot days are now,
as a result the blood has dried up.
the words have gone with the clouds

maybe this is the time to focus on the blue skies
and not the gray skies that once were.

love of mine, forgive me.
i wanted you all for myself,
and i kept you when you weren’t mine to keep.

here we are.
i look at you with hope, while you’ve stopped looking at me.
so just take me whole.
drown me.
rid yourself of me.

be free. be happy. be yours.

you were never mine to begin with,
i was simply a foolish soul trying to conquer the ocean.

d.f.

inexplicable sadness is addicting.
i crave to feel everything all at once,
and then nothing.

d.f.

how dare the universe take away my will to live.

decadent nectar lips
begging to draw me close,
so i can taste you, honey.

{d.f.|05/30/18}

why'd you go through all the trouble of stealing my heart,
if you were just going to add it to your pile of forgotten treasures?

{d.f.|04/24/18}

i fell in love with
the way you
so passionately
rejected me.

{d.f.|05/01/18}

i sit here contemplating what words to use, to say:
how much i don't think about you.
how much i don't care.
how much i don't miss you anymore.

but the fact that i sat down to write about you,
that i seem to never stop,
are words enough.

{d.f. | 04/08/18}

do you still believe?
that if you close your eyes
you’ll dream once more.
of a world we built
under the glow of stars.

each night as i pull the covers tight around me,
i wonder if you still dream
with me. of me. of us.

i must be insane to still stay up,
waiting for you to crawl back under,
to these once vibrant dreams now turned grey.

but you know what they say about dreams,
‘don’t give up on them.’
and that is the reason why after all this time,
still i keep sticking glow in the dark stars up on my ceiling.
may they light the way back to dreamland.

{d.f. | 04/04/18}

i'm still trying to remember who i was before i
stopped smiling at myself in mirrors,
stopped making silly faces at kids when their parents weren't looking,
stopped looking up at the stars.

i'm still trying to understand what i've come to be, how i
started yelling at myself,
started isolating my mind,
started living in a world where i only stare at the ground.

everything just was, and then it wasn't.

{d.f. | 03/13/18}

you planted a garden for me.
and i loved every single petal that bloomed.
including the thorns.
but i've noticed some flowers are
missing. taken. cut.

i guess i was just your plot of land, feeding on the lies you gave me.
by all means, go, the market awaits you.
sell them the promises you made me.

{d.f. | 03/10/18}

i tear myself down,
day in and day out.
i am my own personal demolition team.

and i’m so tired.
i just want to stop.
so i’m going to teach myself a new art.

today i won’t break.
today i will build.

{d.f. | 03/03/18}

i hope you remember me when you least expect it, not at 3:00 a.m. when you miss me.

remember me in the moment the green light, turns yellow, and you think you can make it, but you don’t because it’s already red and you’re not even half way there.
    after all, those were the colors i saw in your eyes after i promised to
    love you forever.
    first you were ecstatic, then frantic, and then finally paralyzed.
    did you fear you no longer would be free?
    as far as i know, i wasn’t holding a key ready to lock you up.

remember me as you sip your coffee and you burn your tongue.
    after all, that’s how you left me, burnt from your bitter soul.

remember me when you’re listening to music and you have no one to dance with.
    after all, i taught you how to have a dance party in your pajamas
    when your soul was breaking.
    when your dreams were fantasies and your nightmares were
    realities.

and you know what? if you really want to, remember me at 3:00 a.m.
    after all, you always slept while i was wide awake wondering how
    long we’d last.

no matter how hard you try to forget me, you can’t erase us.

{d.f. | 02/25/18}

don’t be cruel, my love.
this world is painting
you gray
where the colors once shone
the brightest.

let’s not let this wicked
system overtake your kind soul.

you painted me when i was black and white,
so take my hand
while i restore your
lilacs, blues, and reds.

my dear, let the light
shine through.

{d.f. | 09/28/17}

i’m trying to be positive,
to see the light at the end
of the tunnel.
to believe that the best is yet
to come.

except i must not be trying hard
enough, because the darkness
always creeps in.

it finds a way.

no matter how bright the sun shines
or how blue the sky is,
my word is gray.

and i know no other way.

{d.f. | 1/11/18}

i never knew it could be like this.
being in love simply felt like a far away dream.
just a number on my bucket list.
a splendid thing i'd never know of.

so, to be with you, is to be real.
because, with you, i've learned that this is real.
love is real.
loving myself is real.

love never felt so good.

{d.f.|02/10/18}

although i sign my name
at the end, it’s really you
who should take the credit.

after all, they’re all about you.

the words with which i write with
are from the dictionary you invented.
you see, i didn’t even know i could
write until my soul met yours.
all these letters i’m using are from the
alphabet you’ve imprinted in my heart.
all these poems are from the melodies
i hear when i think of you.

this, my love, is how i write poetry.

{d.f. | 09/11/17}

thank you to the souls
that have an understanding
attitude.
you may not understand
my situation, my hurt, or my tears,
but that doesn’t mean you don’t try.

thank you for comforting
me with a look, a nod,
or simply a gentle silent moment.

i pray, oh how i pray, that you’ll
never know what it’s like
to hate what you see in the mirror,
to be alive but not live,
to be so tired you can’t even sleep,
to be a dying ember in a fire no one wants
to stoke,
to lose hope…

thank you to the souls that care,
for how i long to meet you.

{d.f. | 01/12/18}

to be with you
leaves me feeling so blue
who knew
you’d give me such a view
away you flew
we used to be like glue
i thought we were through
but we just needed time, and apart we grew
and as if on cue
we were once again true
and loving you
became another hue.

{d.f. | 01/21/18}

you’re slipping from my grasp.
i can no longer hear the sound of your voice.
your image used to be the clearest on my mind, but now it’s fading.
my thoughts were constantly spent on you, but now they drift away.

how is it possible that i’m forgetting?
forgetting
your diamond blue eyes,
your red rose lips,
your gentle steps,
your honey dipped words,
your sculpted soul?

how can i forget the connection i felt to you?
please, i don’t want to forget the one i used to dream of.

{d.f. | 08/22/17}

sometimes i wonder
what you felt as i walked out
the door.

were you hoping i'd come back?
did you doubt our love?
or did it ever cross your mind to run after me?

i won't pretend to have no fault,
i was scared that we were too young to make this love last.

so by the time i had made up my mind,
i guess you had too,
my key no longer opened your door.

{d.f. | 01/23/18}

i know we don't speak.
and maybe that's because i'm too shy to say hello.
yet, everyday as you make your way into the room
i light up inside.
i wish i could walk up to you and just talk to you the way i've done so in my head.
but i can't.
i'm terrified of being disappointed.
what if i don't like you? what if you don't like me?
so for now i'll just be in the corner wondering what you think of,
and hoping that it's me.

{d.f. | 05/08/16}

the world may be your oyster,
...
but keep in mind that some of us are allergic to shellfish.

{d.f. | 12/07/17}

you told me you'd always
be there waiting to catch me for when or if I was ready to fall.

i would look down
and see you with your
outstretched arms and unwavering eyesight set on me.

all this time you've been ready for me,
and so one day i jumped.
i jumped to and for only you.
and as i made my descent i looked down to see you.
and i did. see. you.

but you were running to catch someone else.
someone that was ready before me.

this was the day i had chosen to trust you with my love.
this was the day that you broke me in more ways than one.

you arrived too early and faltered and i arrived too late and shattered.

{d.f. | 11/29/17}

i wish i could promise to love you forever,
but i can't.

i'm not the one for you.

i'm certain that one day,
you'll wake up next to the love of your life,
and you'll stop hating me.

in that moment you'll see, that I wasn't only letting you go,
i was setting you free.

free to experience love.
free from a soul that didn't deserve a love like yours.

{d.f. | 10/17/17}

you used to call me every morning,
but you've stopped.
...
now, every morning, i roll over
with your arms wrapped around me
welcoming me home.

{d.f.|08/01/17}

you must think i'm stupid, huh?
i saw you for what you were,
yet still i went for the ****.
but the joke was on me.
you were the gasoline and i was
the match.
the flames you emitted engulfed me.
i never had the chance of coming out alive,
and you knew that.
you devoured me whole.
i ignited you, but you burnt me.
if only you hadn't smoldered me with your deadly charm.

{d.f. - 09/02/17}

as i walked out the door
this morning, i felt it.

i felt the crisp in the air.
the promise of cooler days.

remembrance of things long ago forgotten.

Autumn is near.
hand me my jacket.
my season is about to begin.

{d.f. - 08/28/17}

Was it not love because I didn’t give my life up for you?

Were my sacrifices not enough?

Was I supposed to stand back and let you take control?

Or was it that you simply couldn’t love me the way I loved you.

The truth is, I loved you in ways you could never understand.

I would go to the ends of the earth to be with you, but you wouldn’t for me.

And so tell me, was it not love?

{df – 11/11/16-}

You're like a smoke detector.
A smoke detector without batteries.

You're supposed to warn me, protect me, save me...
You're supposed to be there before the flames engulf me.

But a smoke detector without batteries is only there for show.
Because by the end of the blaze...

I'm already a pile of rubble.

{df - 03/16/17-}