I wanted to be a star
So bad

Away from the stress
The guilt
The sadness

I wanted to be a star
So I floated up
And became one

But now I float
Helplessly
Hopelessly
I am so lonely
And sad

I am out of oxygen
I need to get home

But here I float
Even if I could
Get to the gravity again
I would just
Fall

And believe me
No one would catch me

Have you ever played
Green screen door?

Anything with
Double letters
Can go through

Anything without doubles
Stays behind

Sadness can go through
But joy stays

Depression may pass
But love may not go

Anxiety-attacks can go
But calm must stay

I can pass through
But my sister cannot

I think I see why

You said it would be okay

When will it be okay?

How can it be okay?

How is this okay?

You said it would be okay
*I think you lied

Why don't you just give up?*
I ask myself daily

Why don't you
Let the tears flow
And not care who sees

Why do you
Have to be strong
Every minute
Of every day

You are still a child.
When did it stop being okay
For children to cry?

I am not normal.
I do not smile
Because I am happy.
Rather I smile
So no one sees
My silent tears

When I was very young
I'd pass notes for fun
They served no real purpose

Later,
My insecurities
Started with a note

Someone was sad
So I wrote them a story
They laughed at it,
At me,
For weeks

It took me
Seven years
To share my writing
Again

I met my best friend
From a note

He's gone now
That's when
My sadness
Climaxed

Then I met you
I wrote a poem
And folded it into a bird
Hoping you would see the beauty

You never saw the poem,
But you liked the bird
And that was enough
For me

That was when
I remembered
How to smile

Then I left
I wrote a message
And folded it into an
Airplane

And hoped
Someday
It would find you

That was when
I discovered
Loneliness
Can be stronger
Than I thought

I've passed many notes
They caused my insecurity
Sadness
Loneliness

They taught me
To never trust words

However,
They also gave my smile back

Sometimes I hate self control

Why don't you just eat?
No
I can't

Why don't you just sleep?
No
I can't

Sometimes I need the self control

Why don't you just cut?
No
I can't

Why don't you just **** yourself?
No
I can't

Isn't it odd that
Self control
Both hurts
And helps me?

I smile all day
So no one asks if I'm okay

I've learned to be a fake
For everyone else's sake

I've learned to not cry
So no one asks why

I laugh a lot
She's happy, people thought

I have learned so much
Too bad it's from the devil's touch

I want to be happy
But I stay feeling ******

Maybe I will learn true joy,
*Someday.....

She seemed nice
I stay away

He was funny
I stay away

They were friendly
I stay away

Keep your distance;
That's my rule

Keep them far enough
Away
That they
Will never hurt you

You were kind
Nice
Funny
Friendly
Sweet
Smart

I should run
I should hide
Keep away
Stay safe

My feet don't listen
I stay
Now I'm stuck

*Crap

I turned on the news today,
And realized
We live in a really ****** world

Four robberies
A ****
A ******

Oh hey look;
There's someone supporting cancer
Oh wait;
It's because their baby died

More robberies
A mugging
Child abuse

And I learned all this,
Before the first commercial break

This is what the news teaches kids:
We live in a really ****** world

Yet we wonder
*Why more kids are depressed

If you are wondering
Why I am sad,
Here's a few reasons

My flaws:
-Stupid
-Clumsy
-Bad with words
-Socially awkward
-Irritating
-Ugly
-A thousand other things

Good things about me:
-.....

*And you wonder why I'm sad

There was a time

When I couldn't climb a tree
Without thinking
Of how easy it would be to
"Slip"

When I couldn't cut potatoes
Without thinking
Of how easy it would be
To slit my wrists

When I couldn't take a swim
Without thinking
Of how easy it would be
To stop swimming

There was a time
When I couldn't live
Without thinking
Of how easy it would be
*To give up

You are only happy
When the door of opportunity
Sits wide open,
With signs telling you
How to pass through

You are hopeless,
When the door is open,
But you can't find it

You are angry
When you can find the door
But it is locked

You are sad
When someone shuts the door
Right in your face

You are anxious
When you see the door
But are too scared to go through

You are depressed
When you lie by the door
But lack the energy to get up
And go through

This is why
Happiness
Is so hard to achieve

Ask anyone,
They have never seen me
Without bangs and a jacket

The bangs hide my face
So I don't have to face the world

They're not in style,
But I'm not in style,
So it's okay

I wear a jacket everyday
Even when I dress up
My arms are weak and scarred,
It's best to hide them

Both are insecurities,
I always get teased for them,
But I need them
To hide

I am far to insecure
To lose the safety
Of my bangs and jackets

I'm very sorry
I must have
Read the dictionary wrong

You see,
I was under the impression that

Forever meant
For the rest of time
Never ending
The rest of my life and beyond

Truth meant
Not lying
Meaning what you say
Being straight with me

Sorry meant
You feel bad
An apology
That you didn't mean it

So I apologize
For the miscommunication
I must have been
Reading the dictionary wrong

I don't want
A knight in shining armor
I don't need to be saved

I just want
Someone to talk to,
So I won't be so lonely

I just want
Someone to like me,
For me

I just want
Someone who is kind,
And will not hurt me

I just want
Someone who is funny
And makes me laugh

I just want
Someone who makes me happy
For a change

So maybe I do want to be saved,
Maybe I need a knight in shining armor

What kind of a stupid question is that?

You have forgotten,
We live in the 21st century
No one is happy

Content?
Maybe

Fine?
Perhaps

Hopeful?
Occasionally

But happy?
No
Nada
Never

Are you happy?
What kind of a stupid question is that?

Ten years ahead,
I would still recognize your face
In a crowd of ten thousand

Five minutes from now,
And I would never recognize your spirit
In a crowd of two

*Where has my best friend gone?

I want to trust you
I really do

But you see,
Last time I misplaced
My trust
It nearly killed me

So you'll understand
If I push you away
Because if I let you in
You're there to stay

And once you are in
If you leave
I will shatter
Into so many pieces
I will never recover

So I'm sorry,
But you are just too good
And I don't know if I can risk
Letting someone in again

When I was younger,
I loved the clouds

I made pictures in them
And sometimes stories

I would sit and watch them
For hours

My parents worried
That a 6 year old
Needed "alone time"
But I wasn't alone
I was with the clouds

To me,
They were happy
And hopeful.

Now all I see in the clouds are
Darker days and rain storms
What happened,
To the little girl
Who loved the clouds?

I miss her

You're on all sorts
Of crazy diets,
I don't see why I have to eat
But you always make me

I will try to skip lunch,
But you threaten to buy me something,
And I don't want you
To spend money on me
So I eat

I remember we were talking,
And I still hadn't eaten that day
So in the middle of my sentence
You stuffed a muffin in my mouth

Just today,
You discovered
I hadn't eaten dinner
And what your response?
You sent me 53 texts to convince me
That I should eat

So my question is:
Why do you always make me eat?

Is it a pet peeve,
Or do you actually care about me?

I can ignore my demons all day,
But as soon as I climb into bed,
My monsters come out to play.

I saw you again today
At the store
I was expecting boredom
Just saying hi to you again,
Made it much less boring

You got an earring,
And as always,
I'm suprised by your height.
But your hair isn't purple yet,
So I guess it's alright

It was only five seconds
Not long at all
But it made my hands shake,
And I didn't stop smiling for hours

Yet soon anxiety comes to visit,
You did this wrong,
You did that wrong
For goodness's sake,
You did EVERYTHING wrong!
I know,
I know

But then you text me.
I did not text you first.
I was so happy,
But I don't know why.

In all my life,
I've never met someone like you,
Someone who makes me ignore my flaws,
Who makes me shake something awful.
Who I trust so much.

I know this isn't a poem,
But it's just a story,
I wanted to share.

If I fall,
I will just have to hope
That I land on the
Bounce houses
And loose feathers
From pillow fights
Of my childhood

Rather than the
Broken glass
And hard concrete
Of my future

I have been asked,
Why we aren't friends anymore
Time and time again.
I have thought
Long and hard
On this question,
And today I realized the answer.

We became friends,
Because we sang the same song.

But as we grew older,
We changed a word here,
Sentence there,
Phrases everywhere.

Till we were singing
Entirely different songs,
That simply have the same rhythm

So from a distance,
All you here is the tune,
And you think we are fine.

But as you get closer
You realize,
They are entirely different songs.

Now you are gone,
And even the rhythm
Of our song
Is different,
Lost,
And gone forever

I look at pictures
From years ago

Even then
I thought I was
Ugly

Yet when I see the pictures,
I see a beautiful stranger

I don't know who she is,
Except people say
She is me

But she looks so bright
Radiant
And happy

And she is beautiful

She looks innocent
Young
And lovely

Surely,
This girl is not me.

I was never that happy,
Or innocent
Or bright

Was I?

I compare the girl in the picture,
To the girl in the mirror.
How is it possible,
That these are both me?

The problem with me,
Is not my back,
But the fact that
I hate to see suffering

If I see someone in pain,
I do everything I can
To carry their burden

As I'm getting older however,
I've met too many people,
And carry too many problems

I was sure I could handle it
But I don't know if I can.
So I hope you are happier,
Back problems are worth it
To see you smile again

Just don't be suprised
If someday soon,
My spine
Simply
*Snaps

I am a failure.
Yes, I understand this.
Thank you
For reminding me though
I really needed that.

I know I am clumsy,
I know I talk funny,
I know all this.
No need to remind me.

I know I am worthless
I know I am hopeless
I already tell myself this
No need for you to also

Yes,
I know I am a failure.
I know this
I know this
I know this

Please though,
Do not remind me,
Let me talk to people,
And not feel guilty
Once in awhile

I know I am a failure,
Now do me a favor,
And quit reminding me

Do not be mistaken,
I understand
All too well
How blessed I am.

I have a house,
Food,
Family,
And friends.

I live among trees,
And I still get to be a child
Occasionally

My friends
Give encouragement
When I need it,
So pretty much all the time
And will
Talk with me
If I can't sleep

I can post on this site
And not be laughed at,
A nice respite

I am smart,
At least I work hard
Anyway

My parents love me,
Even if they don't understand me,
Which is more than some can say

So for all this,
And many things more
I am forever grateful

*Thank you

Why am I tired?
Hmmm let me think.

You say maybe low blood sugar,
I'd say that's off the list.

Could it possibly be
From not sleeping for days
Due to worrying
Over silly things?

Or maybe,
It's the sadness that overwhelms me
Every day and every night

Perhaps,
It is from working too hard.
To keep everyone happy,
My grades up,
My smiles big.

So why am I tired?
Hmmm let me think.
I'd say it's probably
Not
From low blood sugar.

Feelings and weather
Have more in common
Than first meets the eye

It can be sunny
Rainy
Cold
Hot


You can feel joy
Sadness
Despair
Love

Mist could fill the sky
Obscuring your view

Life does the same
And laughs
As you stumble around
Like a fool

There can be winter
Cold numbness

Or summer
Happy and powerful

Then there's spring
Innocence and peace

And finally is fall
Sadness and death

Each is beautiful,
In it's own way.

Just remember,
Feelings,
Like the weather
Will change
When you least expect it

*This will not last.

It seems as though,
I am forever saying
Sorry

Sorry this
Sorry that

I have even said sorry
For saying sorry
Too much

I wish I could say,
I don't care anymore,
You won't hear 'sorry'
From me again

But that will never happen

So here's another sorry
For everyone

I'm sorry
If I'm annoying

I'm sorry
If I'm naive

I'm sorry
If I write too much

I'm sorry
If I am pessimistic

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I swear,
I'm sorry

But now,
I'm done apologizing

No,
You did not hurt me
Not physically

You did not draw
The blood

You did not make
The cuts

You did not
Hurt me
Not physically

All you did was
Hand me the knife
And give me a reason to use it

My soul is a flame.
Right now it's a spark,
Sputtering and flickering,
Trying to stay alive.

But I swear,
It was once
A bonfire

"You are pretty"
Don't lie
"Thanks"

"You are smart"
Yeah right liar
"Thanks"

"You are nice"
More lies?
"Thanks"

"You're fun to talk with"
Liar liar pants on fire
"Thanks"

"You're amazing"
Goodbye
"..."

Why am I
Still awake?

I should be sound asleep,
Having happy dreams
Not lying here
Awake
Dreading sleep
For fear
Of my nightly visions
Nightmares

After all,
I am still a child
I think
Maybe

Why am I still awake?

If I wanted to describe you,
I would need to learn
To write in numbers

For there are only
Twenty-six
Letters in the alphabet
But an
Infinity
Of numbers

And I would need every one of them,
Just to describe you

I texted you.
You texted back.
I was so suprised,
I nearly dropped my phone.

Here's the problem though,
I tend to
Over analyze  
Over scrutinize
Over think

I must have apologized
For bothering you
Five
Ten
Twenty times

Plus,
It was me texting you
You never texted me.

And now I don't know what to think.
You make me happy
Honestly,
I think I like you

Which is a problem,
Because
If I like someone
It's usually time to
Push them away

But with you
I can't
I can't
I can't
And I don't know why

So if I'm bothering you,
I'm sorry

If I'm not.....
*Thank you

Life is no story

It's not Disney,
Or John Greene,
Or Rick Riordan

The end isn't happy
Or sad
Or astonishing
Or mysterious
Or much of anything at all
You simply stop living

Life is no story

I'd love it if it were
Please,
Tell me how to act
Tell me what to say
Tell me who to love
Make my life easier

Life is no story

There is no
******
Eplilogue
Moral

There are no plans
No one cares about you
Not all will build to the end

For life is not a story

When you love someone,
You each hold bits of eachother.

When you leave someone,
You lose some of those pieces.

When two broken people fall in love,
They share bits and pieces
To fix eachother.

Here,
You're missing some heart,
Let's share this piece

When two broken people
Fall out of love
You lose way more
Than you lost
The first time

So never love me.
I'm in so many pieces,
Infinity doesn't describe it

But my heart,
Or what's left of it,
Is big

And I will give you whatever I have
To fix you
Which means,
It will hurt that much more,
When you leave

Humans*

We cry when we are happy
As well as when we're sad.

We laugh through our pain
And say it is joy

We lose our way
To find ourselves

We hurt others
When we are hurt

We are mixed up
We are humans

I talked to a little girl today,
I have four cats,
She told me.
She was so excited.
It wasn't anything new,
But to her,
It was the best thing in the world,
No matter how old
Or new
The news is.

I talked to a little girl today.
"My mom's on a diet,
But she doesn't need to be."
She said.
"Why?"
I ask.
"She just should smile more,
That makes you healthier,
Right?"

I talked to a little girl today,
I showed her a young leaf.
She was so excited.
"It's a baby!"
She cried
In joy.
To her,
The world was so amazing.

I talked to a little girl today.
She taught me much more,
Than I ever taught her.
Maybe we should listen,
To sweet innocence,
Not yet hurt by the world.

Maybe then,
We would be in a better place.

Just once,
I'd like to be normal,
Average.

Or the median,
Mode,
Or range.
I'm not picky.

Too smart for my own good,
But actually stupid.

Too clumsy to play a sport,
Yet I play anyway.

Either the pliable,
Gullible,
Easy to mess with nerd.

Or the weak link,
On the basketball team.

Is fitting in,
Just once,
Too much to ask for?

Is one real friend,
That big of a request?

Is knowing what to say,
Really that hard?

Is being pretty,
Too big a wish to grant?

Why can't I be normal,
For once in my life?

I love how easy
It is
To fake a smile
Online.

Put :),
And suddenly,
You are smiling.

Put lol,
And suddenly,
You are laughing.

Who cares if it is real,
It's so much easier to be fake.
So go ahead,
Put :)
Or lol,
Tell me when this makes you
Truly happy

Am I okay?

I cry every night,
And can't breathe most days.

I sometimes want to die,
And feel buried by all the lies.

I have a broken heart,
And trust issues.

But also,

I smile at the little things,
And laugh for no reason.

I have hope in my heart,
And light in my eyes.

I am getting stronger,
And I will keep trying.

So:
Am I okay?
No.

Will I be okay?
**Yes

Before I met you,
My world was black and white.

When we met,
You showed me the in between,
The gray of life.

When we became friends,
You showed me that there is even more.
There are oranges, red, and greens.

Peace, happiness, and life

When I left,
You taught me more,
Although you were gone.

You taught me of
Blues, yellows, and purples.
Darker, colder colors

Sadness, bitterness, and anxiety

You taught me so much
About the colors of this world

You say you are numb.
That is not numb.
I have felt numb.

That is pain
Behind a mask of
Numbness.

I know that you are
Just teasing,
And I will smile
And laugh,
And pretend it doesn't hurt

But honestly,
It feels as though
You just stabbed my heart
With an ice cold
Dagger

So even though you are
Just teasing
And I will smile and laugh,
I want you to know that
Maintaining that smile
Gets harder each day.

So if you continue to tease,
I give you fair warning,
Soon there may be
Nobody to tease.

I've got a box of secrets,
That I've hidden away,
Safe and sound

Most are mine,
Some are yours,
As well as,
A few of others.

I trusted you,
With my box of secrets,
And you tipped it over.

All my secrets
Spilled right out
For all the world to see.

By the time I,
Had cleaned them all up,
You were long gone.

But I want you to know,
That if you spill my secrets again,
I will clean up mine
But leave yours lying in the dust.

When I was younger,
I ran barefoot,
Innocent and happy.

As I got older,
I began wearing shoes,
Because that was 'cool'

They hurt my feet,
And killed my innocence.
They drew me to the edge of a cliff
And as I walked along it's edge,
I tripped over
A stupid shoelace,

And now I am falling,
Dreading hitting the ground,
All so I could be 'cool'