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Jun 2019 · 744
Olives
Nicole Dawn Jun 2019
“Don’t eat all the green olives”
She says

“I don’t like the black ones”
She says

I frown a little
Shock biting my heart

“I know it’s stupid”
She laughs

“It’s just how I am”
She shrugs

I force a smile
My mind in the past

“Don’t eat all the green olives!”
She shrieks

“I won’t eat the black ones”
She pouts

He runs away with the bowl
Laughing as he steals the olives

“Come and get them!”
He calls

“I’m eating the green ones!”
He says

We, the oldest,
Exchange annoyed looks


“Hello? Anyone home”
She teases

“Where’d you go?”
She laughs

I offer a weak smile
And look away from the olives

Hiding from the memory within them
So. This probably doesn’t make sense to you all. But my sister recently died and she only ate the green olives. I went out to eat with a friend who also only ate the green olives and I’m just trying to capture how it made me feel. idk

Also, the italics are a memory. This still needs editing but the feeling is hard to write and I’m just trying to get something out there
Jan 2019 · 431
I am Alone
Nicole Dawn Jan 2019
They say time will fix me
But you are still gone
I miss you each Christmas
Each birthday
Each day

They say time will fix me
But that is an idea for children

They say you are in a better place
But how can I be better without you
Who am I without you?
Without your smile
Without your love
Without you

They say you are in a better place
But that is a story for children

They say "sorry for your loss"
But how can they understand?
They don't know you
Know your quirks
Know your insecurities
Know you

They say they are sorry
But that is an excuse for children

They say there is a reason you are gone
But what could be the reason
I lost your beautiful soul
Beautiful heart
Beautiful mind
Beautiful everything

They say there is a reason
But that is a comfort for children

They say things like I am a child
But I have not been a child since you left
You are gone
And I am alone
I lost my sister
Dec 2018 · 650
I Stand and Face my Killer
Nicole Dawn Dec 2018
As I stand and face my killer
I think back--
When life was good

When the only things that mattered
Were behaving like I should

As I stand and face my killer
I think back--
When things got hard

When the biggest thing that mattered
Were lost friends who left me scarred

As I stand and face my killer
I think back--
When everything got worse

When the hardest thing that happened
Was losing family to a hearse

As I stand and face my killer
I think forward--
When life improves

When the best things that could happen
Happen, my fears life soon removes

I stand and face my killer...
Then I turn the mirror around
Well I tried. I'm gonna revise later
Nov 2018 · 489
Colors
Nicole Dawn Nov 2018
I am sad
I see blues and purples
      Sometimes even reds
Sometimes the colors hurt
Sometimes they hurt a lot
Sometimes they hurt too much

So they gave me pills
Pretty little pills
To hide the blues and purples
        And sometimes reds
They say to find the yellows
And greens

I take the pretty little pills
And the blues and purples hide
But I've lost my yellows and greens
And all that's left

Is grey
Work in progress
Oct 2018 · 557
Why Not?
Nicole Dawn Oct 2018
When your favorite time of day
     Is the time you are asleep
When your favorite time of week
     Is when you are alone
When your favorite place to be
     Is too drunk to remember

When you cannot get up
      To do the work you should
When you cannot make yourself
       Take care of your health
When you're too exhausted
       To even move

Why not sleep forever?
Why not lose yourself forever?
Why not forget forever?

Why not give up forever?
Why not heal yourself forever?
Why not rest forever?

When you ask yourself
Why not
Every
Day

Well...
      Why not?
Jul 2018 · 2.5k
The Door of Opportunity
Nicole Dawn Jul 2018
I see it
Nearby

I see it
Swinging open

I stretch out a hand
Then let it fall

I lift my eyes
But rest my head

I know I should get up
I know I should go through
But I can't
I can't

I see it swinging
Wide
      Open

There is light through the door
But darkness in my heart

Deep in my soul
I ache

My mind sweetly whispers
Little lies, little secrets
(You won't make it)
(You're too weak)
(You're not worth it)

I lay for a moment
Watching the door
Then I close
My
Eyes

Goodbye, I whisper
Forever gone
Jul 2018 · 450
Loss
Nicole Dawn Jul 2018
I quietly watch you walk away,
Calling over your shoulder
  "I'll never leave you"

(But we both know you're never coming back)
Nicole Dawn Jun 2018
Life burns out like
The ashes of a cigarette
Bright flame
To grey dust

&nothing is very much fun anymore

Life gets harder like
A rusting bicycle wheel
Shiny joy
To dull pain

&nothing is very much fun anymore

Life gets sadder like
A tree loses its leaves
Vibrant green
To empty, dark branches

&nothing is very much fun anymore
(Will it ever be?)
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Jun 2018 · 354
Watching
Nicole Dawn Jun 2018
Calm
Breathe
Release

Inside your head
      It's war.
Inside your heart
       It's pain.
Inside your soul
       It's death.

Outside your body?
It's calm
(Breathe)
(Release)

Don't let them know
Don't let them see
A poker face
Strong and cold as a mountain

Calm
Breathe
Release

Float above
Somehow one and two
Aware and unaware
Watching...
The body stays...

Calm
(Breathe)
(Release)

Inside your head
Outside your body
It's too much to stay
Panic rising then gone
You are one but
You are two

Calm.
Breathe.
Release.
Word *****
Jun 2018 · 409
Don't let it end
Nicole Dawn Jun 2018
The flashing lights
A dance of your life

Spinning
Spinning
Don't stop spinning

The music thrums
Your body twirls

Around
Around
Can't stop moving

The drinks are sweet
Your mind begins to slip

Falling
Falling
Just let it slip away

The flashing lights
A dance of your life
Jun 2018 · 516
A Lost Childhood
Nicole Dawn Jun 2018
An angel fallen, an angel dead
Humpty Dumpty hit his head

An angel in chains, an angel in pain
Rapunzel in the tower, going insane

An angel who frowns, an angel who drowns
Cinderella has fallen, she's broken her crown

An angel who cries, an angel who dies
Little Red hides, with tears in her eyes

An angel who falls, an angel who bawls
Ariel is drowning, trapped among walls

An angel is frozen, an angel is broken
A dream is shattered, words best left unspoken
This is supposed to be about growing up but interpret it as you will
Feb 2018 · 1.1k
He Loves Me Not
Nicole Dawn Feb 2018
He loves me;
      He loves me not
He is proud;
      He is angry
He hates me;
      He hates me not
He holds me;
       He hurts me
He says he's sorry
        He's really not

He loves me?
         He loves me not.
Writing is hard lately
Jan 2018 · 1.1k
Shadows (haiku)
Nicole Dawn Jan 2018
Shadows in her eyes
Darkness deep inside her soul
The girl of shadows
Been awhile since I wrote a haiku
Jan 2018 · 2.5k
Wildflowers
Nicole Dawn Jan 2018
As I sit and watch the wildflowers
I think how humans have no roots
Nothing to hold us back, but nothing to save us
From life's trampling boots

As I sit and watch the wildflowers
I wonder why they are weeds
Their only crime in life
Is to spread their lovely seeds

As I sit and watch the wildflowers
I think of all their trouble
We think of ways to **** them
All that should be left is ruin and rubble
Idk if I've posted this before but I just found it in an old notebook so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Jan 2018 · 827
A Heart Broken
Nicole Dawn Jan 2018
A heart of stone
A girl alone

You came along,
You broke up the rock
It took time but
Slowly
It became soil

You were gentle
You were sweet
You grew a garden
It took time but
Slowly
It became flowers

You were lying
You were cruel
You left the garden
It took time but
Slowly
The flowers died

You were gone
I was lost
The garden was forgotten
It took time but
Slowly
The dirt turned to dust

A heart of dust
A lack of trust
Wow this is painfully bad but its a first draft so whatever
Dec 2017 · 1000
Spinning
Nicole Dawn Dec 2017
A Shattered Family
       *A Perfect Life

A Lovely Painting
       A Deadly Knife

The words were echoing
        Echoing

Just like before

Smudged Black Lipstick
   Inhaling Black Smoke

Around and around we go

She blinked her eyes, her head unclear
When had the spinning come so near?

Black lipstick
Black smoke
A knife
A picture

A family here, a family gone
Spinning...

Stop. Stop. Stop.

She had lost her senses
Lost who she was

The world kept on spinning
When her mind suddenly stilled
Just trying to explain how my head feels, always open to criticism
Oct 2017 · 707
Hair
Nicole Dawn Oct 2017
My hair is crazy

It is frizzy, tangled, wild

My hair cannot be tamed
You cannot confine it

It is not glossy and smooth
Gently curled
Flowing and sweet

My hair is crazy
My hair is free

My hair is not beautiful
My hair is not calm
My hair does not fit in

My hair is crazy
And perhaps that's okay
Definitely a 1st draft, just a quick distraction from an essay I've been working on :)
Sep 2017 · 1.1k
I Am Not a Rose
Nicole Dawn Sep 2017
I am not a rose

I am not delicate, I do not have thorns
I am not careful planted, tended, watered
I am not loved

I am a dandelion

I am not wanted, I do not grow where I'm told
I am random, sporadic, persistent
I am wild

I am not a rose*

I am not picked for beauty
Just to wilt
I am not chosen for love
Just to fade

I am a dandelion

I am picked to destroy me
But I will not die
I am killed to make me go away
But I will not fade

*I am not a rose
I am a dandelion

I am wild
I am free
And that is okay
I miss writing
Jul 2017 · 895
You Can Feel It
Nicole Dawn Jul 2017
You can feel it
I know you can

(You must be perfect)

It's in the pinching shoes
Tight little shorts
Heavy rings and jewelry

(You must be perfect)

It's in the noise
In the bright lights,
Warm bodies

(You must be perfect)

It's in the heat of hair
On your neck,
In tired made-up eyes

(You must be perfect)

It's in the air we breathe
Every moment we're outside

I can feel it
I know you can too
Why can't I write lately?
Jul 2017 · 2.9k
Breathe
Nicole Dawn Jul 2017
Breathe in
Breathe out

I'm drowning
I can't think
I'm all alone

Breathe in
Breathe out

It's all darkness
The light fled
I'm blind and lost

Breathe in
Breathe out

I can't move
I'm so tired
Everything is too fast

Breathe in
Breathe out

I can't go on
I don't want to live
I want it to stop

Breathe in
Breathe out


Breathe in
Breathe out


Breathe in
Breathe out


Breathe in....








Breathe out
This is more of a rant than a poem sorry
Nicole Dawn Jul 2017
An empty road
It's 2 am
Petal pressed to the floor
Hands off the wheel

The lights flash by

Faster
Faster
Faster

The thoughts spin around
Faster
Faster
Faster

To go or to stop?
To live or to die?

Too late now
Too fast now

The lights are a blur, her mind is numb

Spinning
Spinning
Spinning

Out of control
Pain hits, the car starts to crunch

Louder
Louder
Louder

And suddenly:
Silence



Tears are shed but she is gone
Is this peace or is this pain?

Now we are spinning  too
I legitimately have no clue where this came from I just started writing I'm sorry
Jul 2017 · 497
Reposting this for advice
Nicole Dawn Jul 2017
Color blooms at your touch
Purples, blues, and greens

Rivers flow at your presence
And dry up at your voice

Red splashes across the artwork
That you create within your passion

You have strength in your arms
And thunder in your voice

(Is this how you see it?)
(Do you think this is beauty?)

Hiding in fear, as you come near
There is nothing beautiful about this
I normally would never repost something like this but I didn't get any response after posting it so I was just wondering what you guys didn't like? I love getting feedback so I'm just kinda wondering what I botched on this one so I don't do it again. Thanks, sorry again for reposting :)
Jul 2017 · 522
Pain
Nicole Dawn Jul 2017
Color blooms at your touch
Purples, blues, and greens

Rivers flow at your presence
And dry up at your voice

Red splashes across the artwork
That you create within your passion

You have strength in your arms
And thunder in your voice

(Is this how you see it?)
(Do you think this is beauty?)

Hiding in fear, as you come near
There is nothing beautiful about this
This is about abuse, sort of written from the position of the abuser? Idek sorry
Jul 2017 · 810
Numb
Nicole Dawn Jul 2017
I hold it in my palm
So fragile
So weak

I watch it, and think,
To crush it?
Or care for it?

A little glass ball
So transparent
Yet opaque

It's so easy to forget
Its true size
Its true power

So I stare at this little thing
And think
So numb

Would I feel anything?
To crush this
Small thing?

How would the shards fly?
Who would they cut?
Who would they miss?

Would this little glass thing,
So mysterious
So fragile
So powerful
So sharp
So overwhelming

Would it ever be missed?
I forgot the password for my account so I haven't logged on in forever, sorry guys
I was trying for a more symbolic type thing and I know this isn't very good but I mean I tried. It's supposed to be about life and considering suicide because people never understand how numb you can be while thinking about it. I wouldn't be surprised if no one got that though.
Feb 2017 · 811
Love is...
Nicole Dawn Feb 2017
Love is uncontrollable

Love is bright
Love is strong
Love is fire
Love is pain

Love is contradictions

Love letting go
Love is holding on
Love is joy
Love is sadness

Love is powerful

Love is fast
Love is lasting
Love is cunning
Love is sweet

Love is lost

Love is books
Love is stories
Love is fake
Love is dead

*Love is just a dream
Idek
Aug 2016 · 860
I Love You
Nicole Dawn Aug 2016
You said 'I love you'
And I said it too

You said you'd never leave
You'll always help me breathe

You said I made you happy
Even though that seems a bit sappy

But you see:

I know that love is not real

I know that forever never lasts

And I know that happiness is a lie


And oh god,
*It's gonna hurt when you're gone
This is about my boyfriend. I'm not sure where I was going with this but yeah
Aug 2016 · 778
Hope
Nicole Dawn Aug 2016
Hope:
The biggest killer of them all

It will lift you up high
To send you crashing to the ground

Hope:
The most painful gift around

It will keep you alive
Just to torture you longer

Hope:
Heartbreak disguised as joy

It will let you feel whole
Just to shatter you more

Hope:
The biggest killer of them all

*It will give you love
Then watch you drown
I know I haven't posted in forever but here's a ****** poem for everyone... I've been really struggling lately, and haven't had the will to write. I tried to od last weekend but didn't have enough pills. I'm sorry
Feb 2016 · 8.1k
Fall Little Snowflakes
Nicole Dawn Feb 2016
Fall little snowflakes, fall
Drift gentle toward the earth
Melt on small noses
Be the cause of big smiles

Fall little snowflakes, fall
Plummet cold and fragile
Turn those noses red
Be the cause of cold arms

Fall little snowflakes, fall
Crash into the cold hard ground
The people will hate you
Be crushed by heavy boots

Fall little snowflakes, fall
You think you're beautiful now
But people will hurt you
Be killed by their words

Fall little snowflakes, fall
You'll soon be killed by this terrible world
Interpret this as you want
Nicole Dawn Jan 2016
No I am not dead
I attempted suicide but unfortunately failed. I was in the hospital and therefore was unable to log onto this account. I am truly sorry if I worried anybody. Thank you all for the kind messages

~Nicole
I'm sorry
Jan 2016 · 954
Goodbye
Jan 2016 · 1.8k
Untitled
Nicole Dawn Jan 2016
I may have held the gun
But I didn't pull the trigger

I may have tied the rope
But I didn't pull it tighter

I may have grasped the knife
But I didn't slice my flesh

I may have wanted to die
But it was you who did the killing
Does this make sense to anyone else?
Dec 2015 · 890
Not a Poem
Nicole Dawn Dec 2015
I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.
I'm literally to point of praying for a disease or accident or anything. I just want to die. I would **** myself but I can't hurt my family again. I'm so tired. I'm sorry, but I'm giving up
Dec 2015 · 4.8k
Suicide Forest
Nicole Dawn Dec 2015
Welcome to the Suicide Forest
Where the butterflies flutter low
Weak with dull dark colors
And fall with broken wings

Where the trees are dead and dying
And the leaves are dull and falling


Have you seen the Suicide Forest?
Where the night is heavy and dark
And the sunlight rarely shines

Where blue fairies stumble flightless
With tear-stained cheeks
And bloodstained wrists


Run, run, run away
Quick, before you're trapped
Cause once the forest has you
You're never going back

Look into my eyes                                
You'll see they're empty; black
Look close at my wrists                        
You'll see they're stained blood red
Look into my soul                                  
You'll see it's gone; deserted

The suicide forest caught me
Now I'm forever trapped
I was considering entering a poetry contest. Idk though because I'm not really a poet. What do you guys think?
Nov 2015 · 897
No One Wants a Cutter
Nicole Dawn Nov 2015
No one wants a cutter

Run, run
As fast as you can
One look at my scars
And everyone will leave

No one wants a cutter

Watch me bleed
And walk away
You said you care
But I know you lied

No one wants a cutter

See my tears
You'll just leave
Because no one ever cares
And no one ever stays

No one wants a cutter

I'll slit my wrists
You won't shed a tear
You'll smile in relief
That burden is gone

*No one wants a cutter
Nov 2015 · 576
Short but Powerful
Nicole Dawn Nov 2015
Life hurts
I'm done, I'm sorry. I don't think I'll **** myself, but everything hurts right now. I couldn't even concentrate enough to write. Sorry.
Oct 2015 · 620
This makes me sad
Nicole Dawn Oct 2015
Where I used to see bright white snow
And playful afternoons
I now see everything dying
And cold dark days

Where I used to see beautiful colors
And big joyful leaf piles
I now see more chores
And death surrounding me

Where I used to see bright happy days
And hours in the sun
I now see stressful times
And sunburns

Where I used to see new life
And hope all around
I now see the world being happy
While I sit here alone

Where I used to be happy
I now sit and cry
This is about the different seasons
I hate growing up
Oct 2015 · 680
My life in 12 words
Nicole Dawn Oct 2015
My mom can't figure out why all the knives are getting dull
Sorry :(
Oct 2015 · 902
Do Not Be Deceived
Nicole Dawn Oct 2015
The harder I'm laughing
The more I want to cry

The brighter my smile is
The dimmer my soul is getting

The lighter my humor is
The heavier my heart is becoming

*Don't let appearances deceive you
Oct 2015 · 853
Not Mine
Nicole Dawn Oct 2015
A locked door
A rusty razor
A towel stained with red

A folded note
A broken mirror
A young girl lies there dead

Their emotions tangle
And the room begins to swirl
She was mommy's perfect angel
And daddy's little girl
This not my work
I got it from an Instagram account called _sad_quotes____
I just really liked it so...
Oct 2015 · 676
Imagine
Nicole Dawn Oct 2015
Imagine seeing someone you thought cared
And on Halloween knocking on their door
And saying trick or treat
Then watching them smile
Then say, "close your eyes"
You trust them
And close your eyes

But when you open them
There is no one there
Only a note that says
Trick
I never truly cared


Imagine that hopelessness
Imagine that feeling of despair

Now multiply that feeling by 1000
And you'll be close to how I feel
*Every **** day
Sorry if this sounds self-pitying
Sorry for posting so much
Sorry in general :/
Nicole Dawn Oct 2015
I feel like I'm drowning
But I can see others breathing

And somehow
That's my fault

It's like if I could just learn to be normal
Everything would be okay

And back to the drowning thing;
It's like I'm just inches from the surface
But I don't have the energy to reach it

But I also feel like I'm burning
And freezing
All at once

I know that makes no sense,
But it's like being so cold,
Your insides are on fire

I feel like I'll never be enough
Like everything is pointless
And I have no energy
But I can't sleep at night

Like,
I haven't been posting
On this site
Because I couldn't find the strength
But now I'm posting
In a last attempt to hold on

And it feels like being sick
Like, you know you're going to die
And you know it will be soon
You just don't know when

And it's pointless
I'm pointless
Life is pointless
Everthing is pointless

And I don't know what to do

I'm dying,
Please,
Someone help me...


This is how I feel
I don't know what it is
But this is how I feel

(I'm so sorry)
Sorry this isn't really a poem, and it doesn't really make sense but...
Oct 2015 · 505
Untitled
Nicole Dawn Oct 2015
If I said
"I want to **** myself"
You'd probably laugh
Walk away
And label me as overdramatic

But if I actually killed myself
You'd probably cry
And pretend to be sad
And say
"I wish I could've done something to help"
You'd say
"If only she'd let me in"

Well, I tried
Did you not hear my cry for help?
Yet you still ignored me
And you wonder why I want to leave?
Not sure what to call this one
Ideas?
Oct 2015 · 1.2k
Why Did No One Warn Me????
Nicole Dawn Oct 2015
I was always warned
About the monsters below the bed
But no one ever told me
About the demons in my head

I used to always run
From the creatures in the night
But the true evils I can't run from
For it's my mind I have to fight

I thought the monsters were real
And they scared me, so I'd hide
But now I know, the evils I can't see
Are a much much bigger deal
Thought I'd try some rhyming...
It still needs some work though, so I'll probably edit it later
Suggestions are appreciated :)
Oct 2015 · 538
:/
Nicole Dawn Oct 2015
:/
I avoid thermometers
Because at this point
I'm so far gone
And I feel so dead

I'm not so sure they'd find a temperature
(I think I died when you left)
Oct 2015 · 973
Better of Two Evils...
Nicole Dawn Oct 2015
I can't decide which is worse

Nightmares
Where they're so real
And terrible
That you wake up sobbing
In the middle of the night

Or

Dreams
Where they're so real
And wonderful
That when you wake up
And realize none of it was real
You feel the temporary joy
Drain out of you
And cry hopeless tears
What do you think is worse?
Oct 2015 · 475
Physical vs. Mental
Nicole Dawn Oct 2015
If you get a cold,
Everyone is concerned
They ask if you're okay
Is there anything they can do?

If you are literally dying
From the emptiness inside you
No one cares
"...But you look healthy..."
:/
Oct 2015 · 473
Long Gone
Nicole Dawn Oct 2015
At 8 I started hating myself

At 10 I gave myself bruises

At 11 I quit eating

At 12 I wanted to die

At 13 I tried to **** myself

At 14 I cut myself

At 15 gave up

By 16 I'm long gone
Oct 2015 · 464
Fake
Nicole Dawn Oct 2015
SMILE
Like the world isn't collapsing around you

LAUGH
Like you aren't dying inside

GIGGLE
Like you don't have a care in the world

BEAM
Like the happy person you aren't

CHUCKLE
Like your life actually makes sense

GRIN
Like everything will be okay

LIE
Like you do every day

And no one will suspect
Oct 2015 · 569
When I Look at my Friends
Nicole Dawn Oct 2015
It's gonna hurt when you leave
My thoughts when I'm with friends
Oct 2015 · 1.3k
I'm Dying Inside
Nicole Dawn Oct 2015
It feels like I'm dying
Like I'm being burned alive
From the inside out

I feel hopeless
Helpless

And as I burn,
I scream
And I cry
But no one ever sees

And I feel myself dying
And I try to want to live
But I can't
I can't

Not when I'm burning inside
And then my thoughts take over
Every little thing is huge

The fire burns hotter

I'm starting to melt
I can't breathe
I'm dying

My vision is gone
Sound is fading
Everything is...
Gone

I'm dying inside
Exam week at school... I almost passed out
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