Darkness is a turning point
A turning point that says "no turning back"
It throws you in a well
and shoves a mask over your eyes
shakes the earth beneath your feet
till you start to believe its spiteful lies
it begins to attack
from that very moment
starting with a nibble
but then
taking over completely
one month later
you're in a jail cell of despair
wondering what the heck happened to get you there
but you remember the steps you took into darkness
what a foul enemy darkness can be
regain your life
rise from the ashes
light your own fire from within and brighten up your mournful room
darkness never wins in the end

Happiness is
the warm feeling of seeing the one you love after a long time
the uncontrollable laughter you get around your friends
the smell of multiple candles lit at once
singing in the shower, rain, or even your room
a good book
a garden full of flowers
pursuing your goals
sitting under a shady tree in August
worshipping God
cuddling cute animals
holding hands
watching the sunset
watching the sunrise
drinking a cup of tea
traveling the world
Happiness is more than I can describe

These winter months are barren
with grief and nostalgic memories

As snow consumes the streets,
you consume my mind
Filling it up
and making me fall

The trees are naked and vulnerable
like you made me feel

We were a house without a roof,
a soldier without a shield

I should stay away from your poison
but the thought of you calls me back

Control
Headed towards you like a bullet
Winds up to 105 mph they say
Sweeping, spinning, stirring
Power is out of your hands
Fear will take over
Helplessness is your aura
And lost control is your essence

Staring through a frosted window
A girl that is paper thin
Heart on her sleeve, bound to a pen
Crimson blood poured onto paper,
Her words bound to give in

Don't be tricked by the boy who has a thread of sentimental words pouring out of his mouth
Don't be a fool and fall for his kindness
Don't believe the deceitful excuses he makes up
Promise me you'll never ever trust the boy whose in love with every other girl he sees
I made that mistake
I'm still fixing myself because of it

Why can't we die in dreams?
Is it because we haven't experienced death
or because no one knows what lies beyond?

Why can't we feel in dreams?
Is it because it's purely imagination
or because we choose not to go that far?

Why can't we smell in dreams?
Is it because our brains aren't processing
or because smells can be dangerous?
As can death and touch
It seems to me that in times of slumber
our brains protect us from all the power we have

The grandeur and intensity I have felt recently has clouded my mind like a fog brushing the top of a mountain at dawn.
The romanticization of our shared aspirations and desperation has left me mesmerized and hypnotized like the effects of a magician performing a conjuration. Not meaning to sound as cliche or pretentious as I know this will, you are my idea of a vacation. What u mean by this is that, when I’m near you, I want to stay this way until the inevitable sands of time run out. But I can’t. I can’t because most of life is work and you are my relaxation. You are a cup of hot tea when the icicles reign supreme outside. One day, I will see you every day. Even then, I know I won’t want those days to end. But end they must. So we face the test of time, wearing infatuation and admiration as our weapons, fighting the clocks and schedules that trail so closely behind. We fight and we fight and we fight.

Self dependence is harder than I thought

You can't sit there
and tell me
there's nothing more to life than
strife
        confusion
            & falsely happy days

You can't say that you don't feel
an ache
in your
soul
for something out of this world

You can't possibly believe that life is just this
m
   e
s
   s
e
   d
up
puzzle
where we find love and happiness and build success only to have all it be with nothing and for us to go into a dark, dust surrounded coffin in the ground
forever and ever

You can't tell me
you don't get the
goose-bump forming,
spine tingling,
earth shattering feeling
that there is something more than us all
greater than we could EVER fathom

for I have seen the Lamb of God,
and he's opened my eyes,
and I can't wait to receive my Heavenly prize

I've forgotten the taste of your genuinely untrue words
and your poetry
I can't put a finger on what it was like "being in love with you"
I don't miss you anymore
and oh,
it's so very sweet

I've come to realize that
home isn't always the place with the welcome mat at the front door & cookies being made in the oven
or the suburban home with the white picket fence
or the cozy city apartment surrounded by lights & magic
but home is an idea or feeling you get
when around certain people
a house is only a place to live,
but a home is so much more
and suddenly I look around & realize I'm home

I took a walk down a sloping path
Trees and brambles, nature’s bloodbath

My hands, a guide
My eyes, a map
My mouth, drooling and drawn to that amber sap

The ground below finally led me there
A trusted fort, a quiet town square
A lonely whistle serenading the unsoiled air

A symmetrical tree sat waiting like a snare
For me to take its’ paragon
But, oh, do I even dare?

I am writing this using a pen that was oh-so-kindly gifted to me by a kind old lady. She also gave me a cookie, but that’s beside the point. I think she knows that the best way to bribe college students is through food. I’m standing at the table beside a girl who I THINK is in one of my classes, but I still am not quite certain. She is the kind of athletic and strong that screams “this is the confidence that you’ll never have”. We’re both being shown a piece of paper with a minimal amount of writing on it, but an infinite amount of pure heart. The paper says a sweet word about prayer and doing well on finals and all that, but my focus is on the excessive amount of exclamation marks at the end of each sentence. I guess Presbyterians really are the Oprah Winfreys of religion. I forgot to mention that the old lady is Presbyterian. She is advertising a fall bible study led by college students, which, if I were not plagued with the constant assumption that I’ll never know how to socialize or make friends, I would be absolutely enthralled by. The truth is that I’ve been trying to get “plugged in” for a while now, but how can I get plugged in when my wire is frayed and everything I touch seems to smoke and burn at some point? My plug is a circle and the outlet is a square, so I guess it’s like that saying, “A circle can’t fit into a round peg”, or something like that. Anyways, I didn’t mean for this to become an analogy between being disconnected and electrical outlets, but it turned out that way. The old lady at the booth was nice. I hope to someday be that lovely. Although I was around her for a total of thirty seconds, I saw what it’s like to live a life not shrouded in a black cloud of fear. So, thank you, lady.

People say time isn't real
and the dream is a life without bounds,
but I know that time is real and keeps me close to the ground
He's quite the friend you ought to know
He's a bit overwhelming
He's a bit intrusive
He's a bit absurd
He's a bit abusive
But time is also quite the helper
He wakes me up in the day and let's me sleep at night
He's pristine
and precise
always on the dot
But time is real
and real is time
but then again, it may not

You want to know what isolation is?

Standing in a crowded room while feeling like the only one there

Sitting alone at a table for two

Talking to someone and not hearing a single word they breath out

You see, isolation can be felt in many ways
Loneliness is universal

Writing

When I found it
I found new life

I found myself a haven
between the wooded trees
there was no craze for technology
just me, myself, and my fantasies

I saw a flying bear & a time machine
floating in the air
when the clouds passed by
without a single care

There were no chaotic distractions
no messes to attend to
just walking down the sun-lit road
looking down the bend

There in my little haven
I realized that's what I wanted to be,
what my point of view should be,
imaginative, serene, happy, & carefree

A sour cherry,
The juice of a berry,
A broken canary,
A lullaby

Snow covered trees,
The nest of honeybees,
A cat with fleas,
A scene

Hands interlocked,
Traditional love mocked,
Insecurities docked,
A dream

Why do I believe in an invisible God?
Well,
Why do I believe in air?
Why do I believe in love?
Although I can't see, I can feel, and that's more than enough for my simply complex mind

Growing up
we were all frightened
with "monsters" &
goblins that kept our energy
heightened
fear of the dark
& of things unseen
but what lay ahead
was far more obscene
bodies intertwined with
meaningless ***
fear of love
and commitment
was the apex
seductive hellos
& deceitful goodbyes
stuck in the middle
of ***** sheets
with all the pain & lies
fears are compromised

The toils of my hands,
The marks of my work,
I’m meant to find pleasure in these

Solomon’s words,
Gentle and stern,
Have genuinly provoked me

(It's ok to be sad)                          
                           It's
                         alright
                 to cry sometimes
                because crying is a
               story written by our
                    eyes & told to
                       our faces

The most perfect form of silence
is the one where everyone is asleep
& the only noise is the faint train off in the distance
with the wind rushing back & forth
and the stars shining so bright you can almost hear them twinkle
and the soft sound of rustling sheets
and everything is peaceful
but maybe not so silent after all

How can life move so slow
and so fast?
It's as if time goes
and then doesn't pass
Seems like all the time to be had
is yours
but before you know it
death comes to your door
and the time you had is left for the world

I'm terribly
frightened to be alone
when it comes down to it
we are all alone
people pass
people come
but no one can actually ever stay
Independence is a virtue
but I want somebody to lean on
I'm frightened
of learning how to be alone
just a small dot living on a big dot with a huge mass of other dots on it
all searching for something
for something
maybe it's the same goals
maybe just maybe
love
but the biggest
and most true
we all wonder at some point in our life
what happens when we die
if we come,
live a short life,
and die,
There's gotta be something more
we search for eternity
I found eternity in your eyes & lost it when you left
so now I've looked for it again in God's eyes
and I believe I've found it

midnight thoughts
shifting with the clock
closer & closer to the rays of sun
but mostly clouds stay in my mind
somehow strangely keen clouds
with your name written in delicate raindrops all over them
I see your greenish eyes flashing in the shadows of my mind like lightning bolts breaking through these clouds
and I hear your somewhat deep voice rattling my brain which, you should know by now, I'm going to compare to the thunder in my head
And this clashing, triumphant storm slowly subsides as I drift off to visions of you and my crooked blinds

From the day I met you
it was just one large homecoming,
I was walking on clouds,
and an array of stars guided me towards you,
while a choir of angels whispered lullabies in my ears,
all on account of being near to you

With an outstretched hand
and an open heart
You make your mark on what you know
You'll take your mind
and a steady body
and create a life from the dust

Though there's wind outside
and a crackle in the sky
the fear that lurks is of a different kind
You tell me softly
with a quiver in your chin
that your fear of love keeps you hidden in

You say one day soon
when the clouds roll away
and the sun begins to shine
you'll love me that day

With a brain
deeper than the sea
the blue waters can't compare to what's inside of you
I know your pain
and your reason for shame
but I will hold on this wavering ground

You say one day soon
when the clouds roll away
and the sun begins to shine
you'll love me that day

And the flowers in the field they call
take my hand and sit with me
they cannot take away the thoughts you have
keep them locked away
keep them locked away
keep them locked away

You say one day soon
when the clouds roll away
and the sun begins to shine
you'll love me that day

You're one for
solid hellos
easy goodbyes
nervous chuckles
whispered lies
slow smirks
long glances
useless questions
many chances

Goodbyes are the epicenter of heartbreak,
Everything stemming from love & hate leads to those dreaded endings,
Their sneak attacks,
And foreshadowed arrivals,
Make them all the more horrific
But the worst of all
Is when one leaves
without
saying goodbye,
and you're left with a hole in the story,
a missing piece that isn't satisfied with new hellos & old letters,
They say the past shouldn't be repeated,
But I want more than anything to go back & finish off what was begun
I can't compare love & the past because, silly enough,
people tend to leave the things they love most behind,
so with that being said,
Goodbye

The wind tickles my clothes
as a soft, gentle welcome
The pavement knocks at my feet
to show its support
The flowers waltz through my nose
intoxicating my brain with sweet, sweet smells
The sun brightens my eyes
as if a wake up call
The birds serenade my heart
with their heartfelt melodies
The grass softens my hands
for the earth's light, yet heavy, touch
What a kind, broken place

Is this an outer-body experience
Or a pretentious subsistence
There’s a dog barking at my built-up wall
Forming a pattern of careful consistence

I’ve never broken a heart but
I’ve broken every plan I’ve chosen to mess with
I’m slowly downing this regret and distrust like it’s freshly poured absinth

The sickness comes right away, which I oddly knew to begin with
I say that I’ll change someday, but I think I’ll probably stay this way

After all, I’m happy
When the salt isn’t in my wounds
After I’ll, I’m happy
When I’m sitting here with you

I can't account for the days before,
when I was young and naive and knew little more
than to succumb to the ideologies of those around me
Then there comes a point,
where one's mind is awakened,
and choices that used to be made for you,
are now yours for the choosing,
Choose wisely,
and live life with an open heart and imaginative mind

You're a fool if you think true love isn't real

When the house is quiet,
When the nighttime has come,
I am bombarded by thoughts
Of the things that I've done

A scratch on the record,
A static on VHS,
A mind bitterly thinking
About a discombobulated mess

I'm utterly happy,
Or so I believe,
Although it may not come across,
It may not be perceived

These thoughts are like alcohol
Dousing the flame
Don't come any closer
I'm already close to insane

There was something almost tragic
about the way you pretended you didn't care what people thought of you,
some sort of relinquished magic,
and in your actions,
I could tell,
although wondrous flowers grew inside of you,
poisonous roots did as well,
These vices of fear,
or fake fearlessness,
helped to create
a grand, humorous mess
and watching this,
watching you,
was like watching the summer sky at noon,
what a spectacular view

I went to the park
To stop thinking about you
It was my mistake
because everytime I try not to
I always do

Is this an outer-body experience
Or a pretentious subsistence
Like a dog barking at my built up wall
Forming a pattern of cautious consistence

I've never broken a heart but
I've broken every plan I've chosen to mess with
I'm slowly downing this regret and distrust
Like it's freshly poured absinth

The sickness comes right away,
Which I oddly knew to begin with
I say that I'll change someday,
But I think I'll probably stay this way

After all, I'm happy
When the salt isn't in my wounds
After all, I'm happy
When I'm sitting here with you

There comes a moment,
the recognition,
that the past is but a forlorn memory,
a figment of imagination entrancing its captors over and over
so,
we begin to look forward,
towards this alluring light,
this solid hope of a future,
thus paving the way for greatness,
forget not the longings of your past,
but use them to shape your ever-broadening future

Love is
a word used to describe
the feeling when two brains instantly click like a key in a door
or when you don't care for them to see you in your pjs with your hair looking like a nest because you know they don't care
it's even when they open the car door for you or wish you a safe ride home
and when you touch, the zing of electricity, not just the normal tingle, I'm talking about an electric shock magnified louder than your heartbeat
also, when you're holding hands and they make circle traces with their thumb over your hand
love can't solely be defined in one definition
but when you feel it, you just know

On this day,
with this unusually warm weather,
I'm reminded of what you used to be like,
what I used to know you as,
your tan skin,
your hazel eyes that
remind me of two worlds colliding,
your short, funny looking hair,
everything reminds me of you,
or atleast what I knew you as

I can't believe I spent wide awake nights thinking of you
I can't believe (I still don't) that you didn't feel the same way
I can't believe how utterly blind I was to think that you were "different" (what does that even mean?)
What a mess you made of me
Left me wrecked like a tornado
And it's all becoming clear now
I can't wait to find someone who puts you to shame
I can't wait to find someone who fits with me better than you ever could've

But between life & death
What's the contrast, my dear,
In life, we have death
And in death, we have new life

Staring through a frosted window
At a girl that is paper thin
Heart on her sleeve, chained to a pen
Crimson blood poured onto paper
Forming words out of alphabet soup
She cannot decide, she cannot choose
The words form themselves
Whether she’s happy with them or not

There once was a girl
& there once was a boy
and that is how I'll begin this story
The girl had high hopes
As did the boy too
The girl wanted love
But the boy wanted truth

With love comes pain
With truth comes lies
But the boy knew these things could not be disguised
He sat & he waited for that one special lady
And when the girl passed he immediately went crazy

She was everything accompanied with true love
The pain, the tears, the emotions, all of the above
So he said to that girl you must be different
from these ****** around here who stand on the corner
The girl replied oh honey I am
and I'm yours for more than a night

So they loved & they loved & they loved all the time
As the boy gave compliments like he was writing a rhyme
But then it came down to it & the girl was in love
But the boy, the dear boy, seemed to be afraid of her love & her need for him

So he left

A daily riddle has come to mind
Where abstract words break an abstract mind
Things once healed
Fall apart
After the moon hits the golden mark
Dilapidated eyes hear harsh lullabies
But no baby cries
No baby cries
Just you and I
Cries fit for the night
The dubious night
The doubtful night
The dangerous night
Our bittersweet night

My hands, my eyes, my heart
They’ve done me wrong in this time of need
I control these things, therefore,
I let these things control me
And now I’m desperately searching for an escape, a peace
You are the refuge
My luxury in a sea of mediocrity
And I cry out to the sky,
For my core is rotten,
I’m a dying pig swarmed with flies, choking on cotton
But with you I’m not forgotten,
I’ll never be forgotten,
Renew my broken heart
That’s all I crave

I picked flowers when you left
because
when a part of me died
I wanted to replace it with something alive

Who is He that can set you free
from pain and captivity
Who is He where depth he does not lack
Substance He created, and in our foolishness He heals the cracks
He died for you and for me
It's Jesus Christ you see