Use me and abuse me
I love it when I’m all you see
Please be my Queen
I’ll gladly bow on my knees
Treat me like a slave
Punish me when i misbehave
Tell me that I’m nothing
While calling me at 4 am because you “want me”
Let me follow you around
I promise not to make too much sound
I want your punishment and praise
I want to wait on you hand and foot when you just want to laze.
I want you to tie me up
And tell me that I’m just your little pup
And that puppies who don’t follow the rules
And just like jesters and fools.
And need to be punished by their Queen
Until their voice is raw with screams.

I have a red ribbon.
I like my red ribbon.
It’s tied in knots.
I’ve never been good at making bows.
It’s a nice color red.
It’s a pretty ribbon.

It’s my ribbon.
I don’t want to share my ribbon.
My ribbon keeps me safe.
My ribbon says “no don’t do that today.”
I listen to my ribbon.
My ribbon is hidden.
No one else knows it’s there.
But i know.
And my ribbon knows.
And that’s all who needs to know.

Someone might think it’s weird.
That i have my red ribbon.
And that my red ribbon has me.
But as long as i wear short sleeves no one should see.
My red ribbon goes across my red scars.
But my red scars are not pretty.
Not like my red ribbon.
I’d rather have my pretty red ribbon than my not-so-pretty red scars.

I like looking at my ribbon.
I like admiring it.
My red ribbon is all mine.
And it helps me to be good.
I always make sure my red ribbon is in the right place.
I don’t want anyone to see and take my red ribbon away from me.
My red ribbon and i like each other.
We keep each other semi-sane.

My red ribbon makes me calm.
It squeezes just enough to put my mind at ease,
Without actually hurting me.
It’s like a friendly squeeze.
That says “I’m all you need, and I’m here.”
And it makes me feel safe sane and sound.
Without my red ribbon I’d be lost until it was found.

I like my red ribbon.
My red ribbon looks like a pretty scar.
And it squeezes instead of stinging.
My red ribbon likes me.
I tie it up in cute little knots.
And give it a place to stay.
Instead of being forgotten in the trash.
I need my red ribbon.
My red ribbon needs me.

little boy blue
blow your horn
don't regret being born
play your tune
you'll find love soon
and not be afraid anymore
little boy blue
don't be so sad
life doesn't always have to be so bad
just blow your horn
while sitting in a field of corn
little boy blue
your other colors will come soon.

I want to write a poem
But I don't know what to write.
I'm such a broken doll
I wish I could make this rhyme
But nothing works in my mind
Well except those two lines
Well now it's three
Oops

My Brian isnt really working right now
Oops spelling error I mean brain
That probably proves just how little my brain wants to work
I think I might be in denial.
I've probably been in denial all day.
But once I finally got there
The denial went away

Now I'm crying
I was crying in the ICU
And I'm crying now.
In the waiting room.
I want to put my words down onto this page.
I want to make this page my stage
I want to pour my emotions into this piece
But I can't seem to get it right
Seeing as this poem barely rhymes
Not that a poem ever has to rhyme.

I read her one of my poems while I talked at her.
Well I should say talked to her
But she couldn't respond.
She was trying.
I know she was trying.
But it didn't really work.
She had, I think it's called a respirator, down her throat.
So she couldnt speak a single note.

I think I'm going to go back in soon.
My dad is talking to her alone.
They say there's only a 50% chance she'll make it through the night
And everyone says they're praying
But I'm not quite sure who to pray to.
So I don't pray.
I just hope
And I believe in her
I trust that if she wants to fight and make her way back that we will.
And I hope that that's what she wants.

I feel like I never really spent any time with her now.
I feel like I barely know her.
I feel like when it comes down to it.
We don't really know each other.
When I first found out she was in the hospital,
I was getting ready for school.
I had to get to band at 7
And it was already 6:40
I needed to hurry.
So when I heard them talk about it
I wasn't sure what to say

There's been some scares before but it always turned out okay.
But now they say it's worse
Now my family is coming into town.
My family doesn't talk.
We aren't close.
We only speak if necessary
We do the least, not the most.
The fact that they are coming
Leaves me in shock

Is this the last time I'll see her?
I don't know
I have hope that she'll make it.
She keeps trying to talk
I'm sure it will all be alright I guess
But I can't help but worry.

There once was a boy
Who thought he was in love.
Though she treated him like a toy
He thought her an angel sent from above.

He called her his very very first love,
Though he was still young.
He didn’t care she was abusive
She didn’t care she made him choose and,
He didn’t care she cheated
....
But he did care when she wanted to leave him.

There once was a boy
Who finally got over a girl
She’d been very coy,
But she was no longer his world.
Until she came back suddenly.
....
He didn’t know how to feel or who to be.

There once was a boy
Who fell for a new girl
She filled him with joy
And he loved watching her spin and twirl.
Albeit uncomfortable at times
She was still always on his mind.
Until she started to disappear
She was here then there
....
And then no where.

There once was a boy
Who fell, once again,
For the girl who could disappear.
Only this time he held up a mirror.
So he could be there for himself,
When she left like everyone else.
But as he grew on himself,
He started thinking of her like everyone else.
And he knew he had to end what they had.
Because a relationship like that would just be bad
When she knew she began to cry,
....
But all he could say was goodbye.

There once was a boy
Who tried to avoid
Any more notions of love
Until he was sure that was what he would want.
So he stayed far away,
From the girls who’d say “hey”.
And he stayed far away,
From the girls who wanted to stay.
He just wrote what he wrote
Meaning every word, every note.
Until one day he read a confession
....
What now? Well that’s a pretty good question.

Red hot glory
Is what I see in the morning
Inner halo of angelic light
Or perhaps a phoenix in flight
Feathers ablaze
Leaving a trail of grass covered in a fiery glaze.
Dimly lit fingers beckoning out
Reaching toward those filled with self-doubt.
A shooting star
A landed wish to end the universal war?
Surrounded by its family
An asteroid belt that impacted softly in the soil upon landing?
A family of blazing light
And morning's glory
That's meant for soaring
The very inspiration for what the Sun's got
Looks so out of place in this parking lot.

Have you ever wondered why we're here?
Have you ever wondered what's the purpose of it all?
Well someone's told you
And they'll tell you again
It's just happiness.
Some people say religion
And that's a reason to move forward.
Some say reincarnation
And that's a reason to look back.
But what about now?
What's the reason for now?
Some people say it's nothing
But I don't think that's true.
That means that we've done everything
There's nothing left to prove.
And I assure you,
That can't be true
Cuz we're not perfect.
We still make mistakes
Whether big or small,
Good or bad
We still make them. Still create them.
And we still change
Everyday we grow
Old and new alike
But if the purpose is just happiness,
Then why aren't we free?
Why do we run around just playing house,
Not always smiling in our sleep?
How can that be?
Is it just one persons choice,
Or is it something more?
Why do we strive for greatness,
When we should strive for something more?
Society itself, the world, and all of its inhabitants
Work together to find a cure for this quite strange panic.
Helping those who've never known a real true kind of smile.
Those slammimg doors and building walls to hide from us all.
The ones you've never known
The ones who've never shown
That they know happiness.
Well we've told them
And we'll tell them again
Don't be scared of happiness
It won't **** you
It won't hurt you at all
So stop fighting happiness.
It'll help you along when the day gets you down.
It'll push back against the walls trying to make sure you're not found.
Cut the ropes whose final goal is to keep you forever bound
That's not how we want to live.
See, they've told you once before
But they'll tell you once again
It's just happiness.

Pain, without love
Pain, can’t get enough
Pain, it’s all i love
I need to feed this hurt in me

Pain, drugged me up
Pain, it’s all i want
I need to feed this Beast in me

Pain, in solitude
Pain, it’s what i do
Pain, can’t get too deep
Just what i need to feed this Beast

Pain, in agony
Pain, it’s not what you think
This is release
The pain is inside me

Pain, flowing down
Pain, it won’t get out
Pain
It’s all i want, it’s all i need
Just feed this Beast inside of me

Pain, make it stop
Pain, it’s ‘round the clock
Pain, where’s my lunch break?
Pain, won’t let me escape

Pain, it’s all i want
Pain, it’s all i need
Pain, i need to leave
But not unless it won’t let me

I
I need to write
Why?
Because I'm still awake
And everything feels fake.
I'm stuck in my fantasies
Unable to figure out reality
I can't seem to sleep,
I'm waiting for the rest I seek.
I am trapped in my mind
It's as though my soul has been signed.
To whom I do not know,
I only know that to dreamland I do not go.
I am stuck
Seemingly out of luck
True is false, false is true
Moon is day, Sun is night
Sky is down, Earth is up
Me is I, but I? am not me.
I write
For I cannot dream.
I scream
For I cannot shut my eyes, I am forced to see.
Why am I not fatigued?
I was tired only a moment ago,
When did that leave?
Why is my sleepiness low?
What is missing that causes me to stay awake?
What ails me so that the road to sleep I cannot take?
I know not.
I simply write,
And hope that reality is not fake.

If you want to save the world
Prepare for just bad news
You can not save the heartless and cruel
You can not change the unwaverable

You can not convince those who refuse to see.
You can not help those who do not ask
Your love means nothing to those who don't love you back

Prepare for utter disappointment
For it is not a 'you give and you take' it is a 'you give and they get'
There is no balance to them
No yin and yang
No give and take
Only get and take
And a sweet, innocent personality to fake

But it's all an illusion
You mean nothing to them
You keep wasting hours and hours
Doting on them, but only giving them more power
Power over you that gets to their head
An infectious disease

They now hold everything over you, and all you can do is plead.
Plead for them to stop
Plead for them to let this drop
Plead for them to leave you alone
You wanted to help, not feel hate like you’ve never known.

How were you to know this hate existed?
You’d grown up in a world where people always listened.
This is completely new to you
These collective hateful, restricting, and narrow minded views

You wanted to save the world.
But the world didn’t want to be saved by you.

Little boy
Don't go
Little boy, why are you standing alone?
Standing all alone...

Little boy
Don't grow up fast
Little boy
The past never stays in the past.
Little boy
Don't go

Little boy
The world is cruel
It's sick and lonesome
Believe me, it's no fun.
Little boy
Don't grow up

You're moving on
You're giving up
Little boy
Stay young
Little boy
Stay fun
Little boy
The world will turn
And as it turns
What will you learn?
Little boy
Little boy

Little boy
Just take my hand
I'll fly you 'round
To Neverland
Little boy
Don't grow up
Little boy
Don't go too far
Don't leave behind
Everything that you are
Little boy

Little boy
Please don't go
You're all I have
Please don't leave me all alone
Don't leave me all alone...

Little boy
You're all alone
Come with me
I'll take you home
Little boy
Don't go

Little boy
You've grown up quick
You're awful strong
And you've got wit.
Yeah
But little boy
Don't go.

Little boy
You're all i have
With nothing left
How much more time i wish we'd spent.

Little boy
You're all i had
But don't you think
That I am mad
Cuz little boy
You'll always be
Special to me.
Little boy
You've grown so much
Into a man
The world was cruel
But it shook your hand.

Little boy
You're all i have
You were all i had.
Little boy,
Stay in touch
Keep your mind
Don't fuss too much.
Little boy
Don't grow up
Too much.

Little boy
I'll miss you now
You're all alone
But it's okay to wander now.

Little boy
I'm always here
When you stop by
I'll always cheer

Little boy
Don't cry
Little boy
It's all right
Little boy
I'll be fine,
This time.

Little boy
This is home
But it's time for you
To go.
Little boy.

I'll miss you
And you'll miss me
But we'll be fine
You'll see

And little boy
Though you're a man
Don't grow up
Too fast
The world is cruel
Though it shook your hand
Little boy
Stay young
Little boy
Stay fun
Little boy
Go fast, run.

All it takes is a moment
A fuddled mistake
All that it takes to turn love to hate
And you don't want to own it
All that it takes is some words
Doesn't matter how or what is said
Any syllable can mean the sword
And you yell and you scream till you're dead
But who was to blame in the end?
No not just you, though you did contribute
Both needed wounds to be tended
But instead chose to ransack and loot.
A jab here
A hook there
Towards the heart a knife nears,
No, not a knife, a dagger
In a cycle of mistrust
Who started it? Does it even matter?
No, the only fact is that communication at the moment is a bust.
Words explode and you only slide further down this impossible to climb ladder.
You focus on splinters instead of climbing,
They focus on the way you climb, not that you're climbing
If neither focuses on the climbing then what's the point of trying?
If neither wants to truly speak their mind,
Will both be forever blind?
All it takes is some words
And maybe an action.
Too lost in the playing of swords....
Want to go home, but, where is home anymore?
Just a simple string of words is all it takes
To turn love to hate.

The world is moving
Watch as it speeds along
Singing it's favorite song
Rollerblading past
Houses, families, stores all fly by so fast
Spinning round and round
Whistling to the sound of the town
Down alleyways, past street signs, racing cars
Slipping between bars
Left, right, hop, spin, slide, repeat
Everyone else catching up with the beat
Dancing across the globe
Lights shining,
Illuminating the halls where everyone is gliding
Slip and sliding across the floor
Watch them all soar
Smiles dancing around faces
Nodding heads to the bases.
With another
With each other
With yourself
Ecstatic as an elf
Calm and cool
Or a dancing fool
Do the jig and the jag
Disco and tag
Sprinkler or twerking
Whatever you wanna be working
Cha cha cha down avenues and lanes
Who cares if you all look insane
Following the beat of the world
Rollerblading, biking, dancing, running, skating, walking, strolling along
Whistling the same old tune, humming to the comforting song
Wrapping yourselves up in love
Lost in the sea of doves
Holding hands,
Making plans
Watch what you can be and what you can do
Join us, you're already there, look at you already singing to the tune
Your own words in our intermingling song.
Mixing and changing syllables as you come along
Hear the music in your heart
Share your art, come play your part
Grab an outstretched hand
Wiggle your toes in the sand
Shop for hours
Climb up towers
Sing like a dove
Close your eyes fall in love
Dance wherever
Never say never
Read upside down
Sightsee in your own town
Follow your hearts desires
Until your body tires.
Then take a rest
And wake up to leave the nest
To be yourself
Better than anyone else.
Welcome to the tune
Come with us over seas and trees and dunes.
Don't just watch and wait
Join in on making fate.
Follow the tune
You'll make your fate soon
Come along
Sing a song
Moving and grooving
Dancing and prancing
Chasing after our dreams
No matter how silly it seems
Aha! There! See them flow?
C'mon, it's off we go!!

Let me be me.
Trust my judgement even if you don't know what it means
Believe that I am trying
Explaining how I feel is a lot harder than lying.
I am afraid.
I am scared with every word I say
But not because of I'm unsure who I am at the end of the day.
I know who I am. What I'm afraid of is that our relationship will fade.
It's hard for both of us,
All I'm asking for is a little bit of trust
I know you don't want to give it because I've lied.
I know you feel like your daughter has died
But I know that your son is alive.
He's not asking for help, he just wants support
You can't get a her out of him no matter what you try to extort.
I've always been a people pleaser, who said I didn't act that way for you?
I don't like upsetting people, this trait is not new.
I know you think I am too young
But I am sure as the rising sun
I may not know everything, but at least I know this
So draw your arrow and aim your bow
But if you shoot be sure not to miss
Because when it comes to this, I will not just roll over and lie low.

I brought you here
to say some words
cuz it's time for me to admit
that I'll be here
that I still care
cuz I won't leave you alone
At least not here
At least not now
No
Cuz I like you
Like like you
Not platonic feelings
I like you
Yeah
I'm sorry that
it took so long
For me to say
how I feel
I know it's wrong
To stay hidden
But what was I to say
What was I to do
This is all sort of new
But I need you here
Right by my side
Don't leave me girl
Cuz I need to say
Hey
That I like you
Like like you
Not platonic feelings
I like you
Wanna hold your hand
When you're feeling sad
Wanna make you smile
Wanna stay awhile
With you
If you want me to
Cuz I like you
Like like you
Not platonic feelings
I like you
So what do ya say
Wanna sail away
To a far off land
To hold my hand
To share your smile
To stay awhile
With me
Baby
Cuz I like you
Like like you
Not platonic feelings
I like you
Do you like me
Like like me
Not just a phase
Do you like me
I'll be here
I'll be there
Anywhere for you
If you want me to
Cuz I like you
Like like you
Not platonic feelings
No
I like you
Like like you
Yeah
I like you

I know how it feels
To look in the mirror and get chills,
Not the good kind
The ones that consume your mind.

I know what it’s like to look at scars.
My heart and my arms are marred.
And the mirror
Brings about tears.

And it hurts
When the pain sticks to you like damp dirt.
And you can’t love the things you used to
Because this feeling is taking over you.

But that’s why it’s important not to fake a smile.
And why you need to be honest once in awhile.
I get it, when the hurt gets too much.
I escape, try to find me in a crowd and I’ll duck.

I avoid.
And it’s an active choice.
But I’ve learned it doesn’t change anything.
And I’d rather know and see someone’s demons
Than see a fake smile, even if it’s bright as the sun.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident.

It was an accident
My finger slipped
I tumbled down
Onto the ground.

“Onto the ground?”
Onto the ground.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident

It was an accident
My finger slipped
So the knife tumbled down.
“Onto the ground?”
Onto the ground.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident.

It was an accident
My finger slipped
I threw myself down on the ground.
Wait no-
It was an accident
My finger slipped
I fell down to the ground.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident

It was an accident
My finger slipped
As i bled out on the ground
Staring at my phone not moving around.
Wait no-
It was an accident
My finger slipped
My phone was far away.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident.

It was an accident
My finger slipped
I forgot to lock the door
“You forgot to lock the door?”
I forgot to lock the door.
But i also forgot to push you away more.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident.

It was an accident
My slinger flipped
....
It was an accident
My flipped slinger
.....
It wasn’t an accident
“I know.”
I’m sorry it wasn’t an accident.
“I knew your finger didn’t slip.”
I’m sorry i lied about it being an accident
“It’s okay
You just didn’t know what to say.”

My finger slipped
But it wasn’t an accident.

What is this feeling?
Is this, something new?
What is this feeling?
I'm singing a strange tune.
What is this feeling?
That's taking over me,
It works unseen.

What is this feeling?
That rattles my bones
What is this feeling?
Like the warm embrace of home
What is this feeling?
That's teaching me somehow
Why am I learning this, right now?

What is this feeling?
That brings me to life
What is this feeling?
Like a burning hot knife.
It stabs into me,
But I can feel no pain.
At least, not now.

What is this feeling?
With its magical math
What is this feeling?
It's forging its own path
What is this feeling?
Why doesn't 1+1= 2,
Anymore?
What is this feeling?
My mind is ablaze.
What is this feeling?
I'm getting the shakes.

What did I eat?
Am I high?
Up in the sky?
Or did I leap
Into the waters
Unknown
To me.
What is this feeling?
I'm plunged in cold water
What is this feeling?

My adrenalines high,
My minds in the sky,
I'm not coming down,
I don't think I know how.

What is this feeling?
Like wolves of wind trampling through grass.
Unseen, and unheard, but still known.
What new path is being shown?
What is this feeling?
This ambrosia to be
What is this feeling?
It's liquid gold to me.

What is this feeling?
My heart is aghast
What is this feeling?
Im getting up oh so fast
What is this feeling?
After a moment just like that,
My head is swinging
Like an acrobat.

And like a cheetah
Chasing a gazelle,
My heart is racing.
What a tale this will be to tell,
Someday soon.
What is this feeling?
I've been struck by a harpoon,
Being reeled out of the sea.
Do you see?

In just a moment,
Something's happened to me.
I could swear I saw a divine
In their eyes.
For just a fleeting moment,
I saw my opponent.
In this game,
And an arrow took its aim.

What is this feeling?
Propelling me forward.
All that I know is,
They aren't running to the door.
And for a moment
This feeling makes me complete,
It tastes so sweet.
Like candy to my heart and soul,
Will I achieve my goal?

Where is this hope from?
What has this feeling done to me,
How do I plea?
When my heart is set.
Pulling its strings
I'm just the marionette
Following its commands,
Holding out my hand.
And they seem glad.

What is this feeling?
It came roaring like thunder.
What is this feeling?
I'm being pulled right under.
What is this feeling?
After just a moments look...

Is that all, it took?
To make me fall.
A fleeting moment,
Became an eternity to me
Words flowing out of my heart that I don't understand.

Even if it's to end in tragedy
That fleeting moment,
And the feeling that soared through my soul,
As two pairs of eyes met,
Becoming half of a whole.
This feeling,
Meant everything to me.

Lost in Paris,
But stuck here at home.
Envisioning the cobblestone streets,
Stopping at cafes to escape the heat.
Laughing and smiling in Paris.
The mental trip is a need,
Wanting to be
Lost in Paris.
But stuck here instead,
In Cali.

What if you loved someone who was
Across oceans and seas
As far away as far can be.

Would you still be able to write them prose?
If you can’t touch their fingers or toes or nose?

If you had to describe yourself
To someone you’ve never met,
And may very well never meet,
Could you be honest about what you see?

Would you give an accurate description
Or end up writing a piece of fiction?

Would you send the photo of you dressed to your best?
Or the one after you’ve finished a difficult test?

Would you feel obligated to impress
Or figure that your worst is probably also your best.

Could you be honest with who you are?
Because they live so very very far?

I sit here, alone in my room
Contemplating the world,
And is my life gonna end soon?

Cause I know-
I know,
That there's something missing.
Something just out of reach,
Something that I can't keep.

They say,
"Out of sight,
Out of mind"
But I don't think that applies here!

Cause I know-
I know,
That there's something out there.
Just waiting for me,
Waiting to make me happy.

...
And I know
It's a stretch.
I'm a mess,
Inside.

I just need some hope.
Or else I might choke,
Underneath this constant pressure.
This tidal wave,
Pushing and pulling me under.

And I know-
I know,
This isn't the end.
And I'm sure that there's somethin'
Just 'round the bend.

But can I make it,
To the other side?
If I can't seem to get
Out of this life

...
Yeah I know-
I know,
That everyone's out there.
But it's hard to remember
That they still care.

...
I know that I'm di-fi-cult...
I know I can make people
Feel like they're useless!
I know all these things,
Cause in my head it rings...

DING DING DING!!!!
Game Start!
DING DING DING!!!!
Out hard.
DING DING DING!!!!
Don't try.
DING DING DING!!!!
You Died.

...
Do I put in another quarter?
Or do I just sit back in horror?
How many quarters is this gonna take?
I could play this game
For the rest of the ****...
Day.

...
Maybe it's better if I just,
Go away?
Maybe then I can,
Own to my mistakes?
Is that what it's
Gonna take?

I'm

Fake.

I’ll admit
I’m a bit romantic.
With theories and opinions
On why and how people love.

I’ve always been a bit clueless
When people have tried to confess
Anything indirectly said
Tends to go over my head.

My mind tends to fantasize
Everything all the time.
Things that are impossible
Or unfathomable

But I’ve learned as time goes
Though there is much i dont know
That when feelings occur
I should get to know the person first.

To wait and to understand
Quirks and habits and traits piling up like sand.
To know a person before getting together
Makes a relationship a lot better.

So off my brain goes
While i research the soul.

I stare out the window of my usual spot
Sitting here at jack, thinking for naught
In about two years i will have graduated.
Excluded from this world with which i have Become infatuated.

It’ll all be over.
And these are the best years of your life
What will i say i did, or learned?
How many important things will come to mind?

I sit Here alone now.
Suddenly feeling so alone
Both at school and home.
What happened to the dramatic final bow?

Will i feel This alone the rest of my life?
Will it ever change
Or will it always stay the same.
I feel Like I’ve been stabbed with a knife.

My future that I’ve looked forward to for so long
Only a trace, a taste, the rest is gone.
Time seems to move too fast.
Or maybe I’m just stuck in a trance.

16 years come and gone.
To do it all over again, my soul yearns and longs.
But i can Only admit I’ve done this to myself
My hiding away on the high up shelf.

I left When i got Attached,
Being able to stay is something I lack.
So yes i am Alone,
Both at school and at home.

But I’ve brought this upon myself
So I’ll deal with this hell in and of itself.

Casually not okay
I mean granted you’re allowed to say anything you say.
Yeah i know I’m not perfect I’m not preferred
And I’ll be honest it’s expected so it’s not like it actually hurts.
I’m not tall enough, I’m not strong enough.
Which makes dating pretty tough and rough.
Short guys get the short end of the stick
Fitting isn’t it?
I should work out more i should eat better.
Would that mean i could go get her?
She’s out of my league to begin with
And me, stealing her heart? That’s a myth.
I’m the one she’s interested in,
But I’m not the one she really likes.

It’s like I’m on fire.
A human torch, or rather, a lighter.
Flame shoots from my lips and fingertips.
Burning those around me to a crisp.
At first the flame is only warm,
Until it starts licking around the torn.
Growing brighter and heavier,
The flame forces all other senses into a dull blur.
Don’t help me,
You’re only providing more fuel.
You’re no savior, you’re just a fool.
I am Flame. I am Smoke.
The syllables i speak will burn and make you choke.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry for being an idiot
I'm sorry for being rebellious
I'm sorry that I'm not who you have always thought I would be.

I'm sorry that was you see in me,
Is not what's true.
I'm sorry that I'm a failure
I'm sorry that I'm lazy
I'm sorry that I'm a disappointment.
And don't say I'm not,
You're not allowed to.
Not if you think these things in your head.
Even if it only happened once.
It counts.

You say these things in your head,
And I'm sorry that I have to tell you that they transfer into your words.
Your tone.
Your eyes.
You don't have to say it for it to be true.
You don't have to say anything ever.

So I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm so rebellious and terrible.
I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you thought I would be.
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry.
But have you noticed?

The more I say I'm sorry
The less true it is
And the less it means to you.

We've both taken too much time to say sorry.
BOTH of us.

Don't blame it all on me.
And I won't blame it all on you.
We are both at fault.

But it doesn't matter.
Because even if you DO read this,
You won't say anything.
We're both really good at going behind each other's backs.

I'm sorry I'll never be who you want.
But that's fine.
Fine to me. Your son.
Because I was never gonna be who you wanted anyway.

Why am I nostalgic,
For something that hasn't even occurred?
Why am I worried I'll lose you
But yet I won't even say a word.

Am I Caesar, and you my Brute?
Will you, whom I love
Deliver to me that devastating blow?
That ultimate betrayal of a stab in attack

"Es tu, Brute?"
As I begin to waver, quake, and fall.
I breath heavily, but I will not bawl.
I will hold my head high and collapse when I can no longer stand tall.
Knowing it is you who has made that call.

If you asked
I would never leave your side
Forever following,
By only your command, would I abide
Your faithful servant, your loyal slave
Your obedient puppy, whose path you pave
Whose life you save

Ask whatever you wish
I will hold no secrets from you
My solemn flower whose life blossoms by pale light of the darkened moon.
In your solitude, I offer up my servitude
I bask in your backwards beauty
and exquisitely aromatic scent

If you said
"Devote your life solely to me"
I would silently agree with no alternative pleas.
"Stand by my side through the Dark in the Night,
And stay by my side through the Light in the Sky."
I would gladly abide.

Who am I to go against your every Will, Whim, and Wish?
You, whose very whimsical whisper and sweetened shout I longingly miss.
I will blindly follow any and all commands
For you who delicately intertwines fingers or desperately grasps hands.
Lightly gracing me with your attention or violently demanding my affection.

Regardless of which path you travel down
I love it all
With you I feel safe and sound
I will gladly take and give

It is after all my job to obey
No matter what it is you say.

"Get me food."
Gladly
"Be my shade."
Gladly
"Help me with work."
Gladly
"Stop hanging out with them."
Gladly.
"Tell me you love me."
Gladly.
"Fight them for me."
Gladly.
"Hurt yourself for me."
Gladly.
"**** for me."
Gladly.
"Live for me."
Gladly
. . .
"Die."
Gladly.

The Savior

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
On her birthing day
Her heart had almost stopped
Her lungs breathed almost not
And Death carried her throughout the hospital that day.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
On her fifth birthday
Pig tails up
She’d gotten stuck
In the branches of their tree,
Hanging with the leaves
She would choke before she would land
And Death had cradled her within his hands.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
On her fourth grade field trip
They’d hiked up a mountain
Some kids pushed her down and
Tumbling she hit her head and broke bones.
Death had pulled her close and whispered she needed to go home.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
The summer after freshman year
She’d gone swimming down by the pier
When she’d cramped underwater
And her lungs were unsure
Death had hoisted her ashore.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
A fortnight before her 21st birthday
She’d gone to a party, people were all getting laid.
He’d given her a drink
Soon after she’d thrown up in the sink.
He seemed awful sweet
Pulling her into the room to lie down.
Until he started pulling her pants down
She wanted to scream but he covered her mouth
Instead of screams she squeaked like a mouse.
He pulled out a knife
Threatened her life
And had his way with her.
Pressing the knife against her throat
She soon began to gasp and choke.
Death comforted her until it was all over.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
On Christmas Eve
Just turned 25
She was dead inside.
That boy from before
Who called her a *****
Had been calling her his
She’d cried every night begging for future bliss.
That night he’d burst in
Drunk and full of sin
Throwing her down to the floor
She begged for no more
And he called her a *****
Before throwing her out into the snow
Death pulled her out from sinking below.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
While working inside
Someone drove by
Everyone was tongue tied
As they shot right through the glass
Bullets flying past.
She felt it before she saw it
She knew she’d been hit
Ironically by a .30
She begged to live she still had things to do and say
Death had blocked the bullet that day.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
6 months after 35
Working up until midnight
Furiously typing away
Someone snuck around wanting to play
Just escaped prison
Wanting some fun
Knock out then knock up
But she had her luck
And attacked till he couldn’t move
She’d started to push and shove
But he took the gun
And shot her in the stomach
Hoping she’d bleed out
She ran till she collapsed to the ground
Death stayed until she was found

The Spectator

There once was a girl
Who saw Death
Watched him close that kittens eyes
As it let out its final mew and he let out a sigh.
Cradling it’s soul in the palm of his hand
He sent it on it’s way, to it’s promised land.
She worried about her life
In her 40th year and her 40th night
Was she going to die?
A far fetched idea
But then how could she see Death within the crowd of people?
She turned back again
But Death had disappeared to the oblivion.

There once was a girl
Who saw Death
Hold her sisters hand.
So in her final moments she wouldn’t be sad.
She felt sorrow in his eyes
As he glanced away to the side.
She watched as he drained her life
And sent her to her afterlife.
Her sister was 10 years older
And at 55 her sisters life was over.

There once was a girl
Who saw Death
On her 50th birthday
She wasn’t sure if she should be happy or scared
But at least someone remembered, someone cared
She stood there gazing at the gift
50 dried up roses laying in the mist.
She gathered them together
And put them in a vase on her dresser.

There once was a girl
Who saw Death
Walking around a graveyard
As though he was a guard.
Protecting each of those who had passed
Appalled at what he had amassed.
At 55
She realized death wasn’t stealing lives.

The Speaker

There once was a girl
Who spoke to Death
5 years after she’d forgiven him
The sun had begun to descend and dim
She posed a question
“Do you come here often?”
He replied “Only with the one i love.”

There once was a girl
Who spoke to Death
Being 65 was hard
She was scarred and marred and starred
“Does everyone look like this at my age?”
“Only the ones who love instead of hate.”

There once was a girl
Who spoke to Death
“Do you know when I’m going to die?”
“You mean when you’ll say goodbye?
70 is just an illusion in your mind.
But yes, would you like to know?”
“No I’d rather leave it alone.
I’ll just live to the fullest each day.”
“I figured that’s what you were going to say.”

There was once a girl
Who spoke to Death
“I turned 75 today.”
“I know, you complained it was too bright so i made the Sun go away.”
“How long do i have left?”
His response was swift and deft
“That depends on if you live it to the fullest.”

The Survivor

There once was a girl
Who fell in love with Death
He had helped her
Whenever she began to hurt.
He brought her gifts
When her heart was amiss.
At 80 she realized
That for decades she had agonized.
When her love was right there
Brushing her hair.
She reached up and grabbed his bony fingers
She spoke softly but the words still lingered.

The Stagnant

There once was a girl
Who Death was in love with
He’d been there for her whole life
Harming any who gave her strife.
She was what he looked forward to
When he was feeling hated for what he had to do.
So when she turned 85
He had no reason to lie.
He told her calmly and clearly
That he held her very dearly.
And that today was the day she’d pass
But he would wait, so the day would last
But when time came, he held her tight
Knowing she wouldn’t put up a fight.
In her last fleeting moments he told her a secret
Because he knew he no longer had to keep it.
And so, softly he whispered in her ear
The very same words she’d meant for him to hear.

I have an addiction
Oh how i wish it was a work of fiction
I cannot wait to feel my blade
Every time it touches my skin i feel saved.
Sweet bliss, until i am entranced
Twisting, turning, and weaving. Our dance.
We speak only to each other.
Not caring for any other.
Alone, but not alone, with our toxic love.

It makes me feel whole
When i am alone
And i have no home
And live in isolation
It is but a small trade, take and give some.

What is blood and pain,
When you want to be saved?
What sacrifice is too much
When all you want is to be loved.
Toxicity doesn’t matter
When you just want to stop getting sadder.

I CANT
I CANT STOP
THE BLADE
ITS TOO MUCH
THE BLOOD IS ALL AROUND ME
FALLING FALLING
DRENCHING THE GROUND
I NEED HELP
The liquid, it makes a repulsive sound.

AHHHHHHHHHH

ring around the rosie
pocket full of posey
raining raining
we all come back another day

Help meeeee
The insanity is CONTROLLING my brain!
I’m not sure if i already said this
But I’m going IIIINSAAAANEEEE
HA HA HA
I’m gone . . .
But not for long!!!

How can i truly be gone
When this pain just keeps c-c-c-cutting
me . . . off
HA the sky is full
But love is bull
And affection is null
While my mind i duel.

Obsession, Depression
Are wondrous traits.
One will bleed love
The other, hate

There i am, in the hellish hearts
Tortured in agony, becoming art.
Please just
. . .
Just leave me alone
. . .
Alone in the dark

Alone with my heart.

How shattered,
With blood splattered
Crimson on my skin, I’ve been slathered
Trying to put back the pieces that have been scattered.

Am i sane?
Am i still in control of my brain?

Sometimes i feel on charge, the leader.
Other times i feel weak
Looking through my eyes like windows, watching meekly.

Is music an escape?
From my pain?
Is it too late?
Have i lost my brain?

I just want to see the stars.

I'm waiting for the words to flow down from my fingertips
To swirl and twirl and sound more magical than if it came from my lips.
Waiting for that mystical world of vivid hues
To grace my bland hands with its adventurous views.

Pen to paper, fingers to keys
Ideas and notions crashing like oceans and buzzing around like bees.
My thoughts entrance me
Leading my fingers to start dancing.
Rapidly writing and typing
Twisting and turning 'round stanzas and lines
Embracing the thoughts that are mine.

What is Truth
And what is it's use?
How to explain Love
And it's many notions of soaring above.
Laughing as i write little tricks and hints.
Words with many shades and tints.

The page turns golden
The swirls scramble, they never end
Words shining loud as can be
The true beauty of poetry.

You
Why is it always you?
Two of a kind
Running around my mind.

Why does it always lead back to you?
What is so special about you that i cant find someone new?
What is it that you give me,
That leads me to stay instead of flee.

You
What is going through your head?
How can you possibly call me friend?
Why do you want this to continue instead of end?

What do you see in me?
You’re delusional because there’s nothing to see.
I shouldn’t mean anything to you
Yet you stay and say that I’m important
But i confess all i do to you is rant.

Rant about my feelings
And other useless, irrelevant things.
Why do you continue to listen?
Despite me telling you to go constantly.

Why don’t you ever leave
The easiest thing to do would be to get rid of this pet peeve
I am both a pet and a pest
Your loyally insecure puppy

Too attached
Now forever yours
You don’t want to be stuck with this mess
So please just go, like all the rest.
It’s driving me insane
Do you even have a brain?
Why won’t you just go!
I’m too attached and I wait for you to leave
Because it’s all i know.

And you frustrate me
Because you just won’t go!
What is it running through your head?
I’ll never know.
You comfort me whenever I’m upset
You care about me when i cant care for myself
Why do you do these things?
Because we’re friends?
I’ve never known that path to lead to a good end.

Yet you say you’re different.
And i find myself wanting to believe
Please don’t lead me to be crushed in defeat.
I’m not sure i can take yet another heartbreak
Which is why i keep pushing and pushing you farther away.
I’m not quite sure how to let you in
So i awkwardly say too little and too much
Neither option seems to be enough.
I feel completely exposed and completely isolated.

Am i an attached little puppy?
Why do i trust you even though trust doesn’t mean ****.
I know as time goes on i will mean less and less
But i fear the future so i always think about it and end up a mess.
I dont know how to stop it so i just back away and refuse to do anything
While i sit and ponder why my heart stings

I admit, yes, i do this to myself
I worry and worry until the future i predict comes true.
I know it’s not any good for my health
But i refuse any type of help
Am i even aware of what help is anymore?
I know how to help myself get worse
How to put myself in that dark inescapable void.
It’s tiring but fun,
Watching my sanity slowly spiral.

Isn’t it fun to tell you goodbye
Just to go off and cry
And cut some more?

Your voice spools like satin
Do you know that you sound amazingly attractive?
Syllables curling around my ears
Speaking words you find dear.

My heart flutters lightly
If you were here my blush would be unsightly.
Yet it’s not ****** at all
Instead to sleep I’m lulled.

Just a chapter
If i was a cat i would gladly purr
Curled up with you
Stealing your warmth to escape the gloom.

You’re busy reading out loud to me
The stars in my eyes go unseen
The scenes in my head
So much more vivid than if i had read instead.

I want to read with you
To fall asleep to your voices serene tune
Cuddle myself safe within entangled limbs
Through the sea of soft syllables i swim

The words twirl down from your lips
An ambrosia i happily sip
I lose myself in your voice
But i refuse to leave you, my smartest choice.

An illusion in the mind
Twisting and turning through time
Endless hunt
Surroundings repeat, seemingly stuck in a rut
Running, running, running
This beast is too cunning
No tracks, no scent, no way to find where it hides
In the darkness it lies
Waiting for just the right time...
When will it strike?
There's nothing to do but wait,
Let a few tears roll down in angst.
Aside from that just run until you go insane...
For the Beast, it calls your name.

“You make me happy”
“I need you”
I need to stop
I’m getting attached
I need to stop trying to latch
I have problems
Look at me not even trying to solve them
She’s a player
Why don’t I hate her?
Yeah she flirted with me once
But I highly doubt it meant much
Yet here I am
Making myself sad
And making myself mad.
Why do I let myself get attached
I need to stop getting latched.
I glance at you and I smile.
How stupid of me, I’m getting all riled
You’re stuck on someone
You’re not done
I need to back off
Before I become lost
I’ve said what I needed to say
If you need or want me you need only to send a hey
But I should move on
Seeing as you’re gone

They ask if I bleed
I do not want to answer
It's the wrong body

Have you ever been
Encaptured by the stars?

Have you ever wanted
To fly away to Mars?

Have you ever wanted
To exist in Outer Space?
But not to exist
Within our space.

Have you ever wanted
To fly up, up so high?
Because the high down on Earth
Is really just a lie.

Have you ever wanted
To land upon a Sun?
Though you know that you’d burn,
Before you got to touch one.

Have you ever wanted
To travel to a far away place?
Well, what farther is there
Than this vast land we call

“Space”

Staring into the void,
Am i speaking, or is that some other noise?
What is this incessant humming?!
Trying to walk away, yet somehow stumbling and fumbling.

Its reaching out, pulling me in
The light begins to slowly dim...
Maybe i should give up
Embrace the void, try my luck.

I wonder if anyone would want me to stay
I wonder if i would even listen to what they say.
Could they tug me back?
Could they be the momentary sanity i lack?

Meds V.S. The Void round 653997428834,
How much longer will i have to be here for?
WHY CANT I JUST WALK AWAY?!
WHY WONT IT JUST LET ME ESCAPE?!

ONE MEASLY PILL AGAINST THIS REPULSIVE CREATURE
i cant tell, does it have any human features?
When we first met each other
They were sappy and sweet,
Now the frost rolls off of them, forcing me to shiver.
I feel like i'm playing a video game on a level i just can't quite beat...

Because i'm level one and its level 500
And its not even hungry, its just hunting
And i can't run fast enough to get away
It's blocked off all exits and i'm forced to stay
This inescapable hell
Is there any way for me to call for help?!

My blood is pumping
As i just keep on running.
I'm not thinking anymore, i just can't
Its a fight or flight stance.
If i fight i die, if i run i die,
No matter what i do this...thing...is still going to be in my mind.

I cant seem to get away
It just wants me to stay
So i can feed off of my terror
And whisper that no one really cares

It knows i'm weak
And i think about the things it says before i sleep
And i'm so close to breaking
Trying not to let them know i'm faking.
So here i am, a plastered on smile, had to carve it in
Because it kept cracking again and again.

The day awakens
And so do you.
The sun, not yet risen
The sky a darkened hue,
Crisp fresh morning air
The chill reviving you.
Outside your bedroom window,
Air fogging up the glass,
Eyes spotting glints behind pine trees
But gone within a flash.
Opening up the barrier
Wind howling in your ears
Bushes rustle while leaves toss about the wind.
Sparkling grass, wet from morning dew
The birds begin to chirp
Signaling others to speak too.
The sun begins to rise,
Sky turning orange, red, purple, and blue
Up over the mountains
With light shining through.
Every drop becomes a diamond
Their goal is to woo.
To draw you outside,
To greet them with smiles,
So come out the door and explore for awhile.

A little boy, he sits
Pondering the world
Outside, **** on the sidewalk
Upset, but without frowns.
Parents wandering somewhere in town.
Judging those who come across
When they themselves are truly lost.
They have no right to judge
No one can speak for the world while they still hold a grudge.
He sighs...does no one else understand.
He certainly can't explain using just his hands.
He wants to speak for the world
But is unable to form any words.

Do you remember that trick
That was taught to us
When we were making a fuss.
We’d just tumbled or stumbled and hurt ourselves.

And our family said to bite our cheek or tongue or finger because it helps.
We started doing it all the time
Every time we got hurt, but the trick kinda internalized.

Learning to stop one pain with another,
The flame doesn’t hurt your skin if you’re being smothered.
So you’d have bite marks on your finger
Nail imprints on your hands,
Pain that lingered.

But then that wasn’t enough
And you had to keep trying new things
Because you were getting too tough.
Bruises in places where no one would see.
Hidden nicely behind a tee.

And suddenly the pain started being in your heart and head
And you were so confused
How do you stop this pain with something greater
Until you finally figured it out, how to stop this blues.

Your trick still works,
It just needs to sting
No more nails, you want metallic imprints from the tines of your fork
Biting down on your pillow as you dig deeper into your skin
Trying to find some way to overcome what’s inside and win.

Battling fire with fuel.
Why isn’t it working?
Why is the pain you feel still there, still real?
But it doesn’t stop.
It never stops.
And now you don’t know how to stop.

it doesn't matter how smart I am
it doesn't matter that solve sudoku on the sand
it doesn't matter that the gears in my head turn constantly
it doesn't matter that I try to be as fair as I can be
it doesn't matter how hard I try
it doesn't matter that I know it's manly to cry
it doesn't matter that I have so many people who care about me
it doesn't matter that I need glasses to see
it doesn't matter that I go to the gym
it doesn't matter that I've technically never broken a limb
it doesn't matter that I've set up my life goals
it doesn't matter that I wear out my shoes until there's holes in the soles
it doesn't matter that I don't believe in a god
it doesn't matter that I don't know a guy named Todd
it doesn't matter that I like grapes
it doesn't matter that ripped paper gets taped
it doesn't matter if I'm in love
it doesn't matter that I saw a pretty dove
it doesn't matter that I got hit by a car
it doesn't matter that a 3 hour time difference seems far
nothing matters to you
nothing matters to sue
nothing matters to me
nothing matters so there's nothing to see
there is no outside as long as you are trying to get out
you want to find an exit but you will begin to doubt
they tell you it's there and that you just need to find it
but it's much easier to just sit
enjoy the fleeting moments of sanity
WARNING! they may or may not be filled with vanity
watch as your world is turned upside down
wonderland, you have found
yes Alice made it out
but she was young and knew not to pout
maybe we are all a little mad
that's why we're all a little sad
or stuck in our minds
chained up or restrained by binds
there is a door
somewhere past all the horror
but we cannot see it
we create the maze where we sit
we keep ourselves from the door
because to leave would truly take our sanity forevermore

Some friends save your life while ending it
The pain without them would be unbearable.
But they are the cigarette you can’t help but hit.
With them, the pain is still terrible.
And it’d be easier to let it go
But a life without addiction is a life you’d rather not know.
And while they slowly **** you inside
You still find ways to defend them, even with flat out lies.
Wanting to leave them behind
But a better life is too difficult to find.
So you stay with this pain
Though you have nothing to gain.
Unable to recite your pain to the inflictors
For fear of them locking you behind door.
A repressed memory
Is all you feel you’ll ever be.

Iron bars
Endless stars
Crying all alone
Wondering who to phone
Just wanting to go home
What is home
I’m not sure I’ve ever known
Believe in yourself
But that’s impossible without help
My everything is a mess
Maybe i should just be all alone
***** this imaginary home
I speak to the silence
Teter-tottering on this fence
Following the shadow in the light
Focusing on the dark
...
It's all i like.