I’ll accept you
If you accept me
If you can endure my stories and scars
And reach through the bars.

You are not alone
In loving with your whole.

Scars in my opinion are beautiful
Not something to be hidden, but something to behold.
Scars have turned a person into who they are today
And without them a person would never be the same.

Everyone has insecurities
That form their personality
Their fears and what bring them to tears
Their mind and what makes them kind
Their heart and what pulls them apart
Individuality
Is what i find most endearing.

So tell me,
All your stories theories and your favorite series.
I’d genuinely like to know
What drives you, what IS your soul?

Complicated?
Differences that make you not like the rest?
I personally think people like that are the best.
Those who have gone through life
And have survived their fights.

Look at all the people.
People just like me.
Look at the cites that are up to the stars type of full.
A-glow with their own universe of stars.
and love only compared to the embrace of two hearts.
and the strength of the animal trampling the one who grabs its horns. For they are but a red blanket in the eyes of the bull.
The cities that thrive and pulse with life, so much so that trying to take them down amounts to null.
But keep looking around, what other treasures could there be?
Do you see?
The grassy seas that roll and crash around our world
Look at the sparkles and stripes
Look at the lights
Look at the swirls of the sky
The paint mixing in with the setting sun
Look at all the different blue, orange, red, and purple dyes.
Seek the see-through walls of the surrounding metal boxes that weigh "so many" tons.
What do you see in the eyes of the people inside?
What are their secrets? What do they hide?
Are they agents or members of a cult or the so-called perfect family?
Watch them and your minds eye will begin to soar
Just from a little bit of staring past a car door.
Making them characters and you the creator of their stories
******* you through the vortex, forgetting all your worries
On the road
Heading to or from home
A smile snakes it's way onto your lips
From the worlds you can create when your mind un-zips.

I assure you
I am not the type of guy to cheat or lie.
If you’re talking about Snapchat,
She’s not into guys, that’s a fact.

I’ve caught feelings too.
And i still want to take this semi-slowly.
But at the same time i want to rush ahead.
I want to stay up late talking with you before bed.

I have nothing to hide from you,
Ask anything your heart desires you to.
You say you want to be the one to do these things
To tug on my heart strings.

Well you are.
Ever since that poem, you’ve been on my mind and heart.

My head is red
My eyes have pain
I've been drinking *** from dusk till dawn
Will I wake up in the morning?
The sky exploded in a blinding light
Stopping what would have become a fight.
A man I'd known from a time back when
Shook his head when he downed number 10.
Away, away, away we go.
Where will we end up?
Nobody knows.
We'll cross the seas
And collect our fees
Singing all the way through
Drinking our *** and having our fun while singing a dancing tune.
We'll dance a jig
And take a swig
Surrounded by jewels and ***.
Away, away, away we go
Where will we end up?
Nobody knows.
But away, away, away we go
Drinking our *** and having our fun.
Where will we end up?
Not even we know.

It’s time for me to disappear
I’ve overstayed my place i fear.
It’s time to once again recluse
Rather than tying a noose.
It was lovely while it lasted
But the pain is started to imbed
So I’ll leave instead.
Hide within myself again
The way that it’s always been.
I’ll put on a fake little smile
No one will catch on, at least for awhile.

I have
No Right
To apologize
But even so
I’m sorry.

I am violent and angry
Not even I can truly tame me
I am the rage
It consumes me
Eating away, unseen
Tearing me apart, ripping to shreds
Even if it's all just a part of my head
It can't be contained
I try, but am pained.
Sparks fly till fire ignites
Like a phoneix in flight.
Eyes glaring, heat from the gaze melting every person in sight.
And yet there you are
While everyone else has run away so far.
You glare back
One look, it's not even an attack.
It's just a look
And I'm shook.
And I can't seem to shake the feeling.
My tough exterior is peeling
While my mind is reeling
Taken aback from what I've done
I quietly realize that it was I who was holding the gun
And then I'm done.
I'm kneeling in the ashes
Hands blackened
The flames I shot out
I've finally realized my actions.
Cuz you showed me.
With nothing more than a look,
That was all that it took.
In my shame, I build up the courage to look
And it's you.
And you stare?
Your eyes forgiving
Yet, unspokenly, I am dared
Contain the flames
My guilt, it gives me pangs
But you reach for me, and grab my hand.
The skin is soft like fine sand.
You extinguish the flames
You smile, as if playing with fire is one of your favorite games.
I hold your hand and refuse to let go
I don't want the flames to grow.
For some reason you let me, knowing something I don't know.

I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry.
I wasn't thinking again
I didn't mean to hurt you!

I wanted exactly the opposite!
I just wanted you to be happy...
Why does nothing ever work like i think it should?!

I don't want to hurt you,
I don't want to argue with you
I just want you to be happy,
Even if your happiness doesn't include me.

But when i try to leave
To make sure i'm not in the way
We always end up fighting.
Or arguing.
Or ignoring.

And it always makes me feel like crying.

I don't want to play the victim card,
Because i'm not the victim.

I get jealous, but i won't admit it.
I want your attention all the time.
But that's not okay.
I get frustrated.
I feel threatened.

I don't want to lose you to anyone.
And that clouds my judgement sometimes.

I can be such a ******* **** sometimes.
I read over our old messages and i look at things i've said.
I wish i could go back in time and slap myself.

I feel hurt because i feel threatened.
So my first thought is to run away from or hurt you?
What kind of idiot thinks that way?!

I don't want to leave you like everyone else has
But i've left people so many times it just seems like an automatic reaction.
And i want to change that,
I don’t want to be “that” guy forever.

Especially not to you,
To the one i care about.
If anyone deserves an apology
It’s you.

I can’t bear to hurt you, but i don’t know how to stop
So instead i just talk and talk and talk
Where are the actions?
I wish I knew
I’m all bark no bite

What kind of man does that make me?
Am I man or am i mouse?
Mouse without a doubt.
But you are worth so much more than this rat that i am
You deserve someone strong,
Man or woman.
You deserve someone who can protect you
And love you
And help you
And support you
And make you laugh and smile
When you feel like you can’t

I honestly don’t think that I’m that.
And it upsets me
And i get jealous
And i feel threatened
Because all around me that i see
Are people trying to come between you and me.

But I’m backing off
I’m letting this drop
I’m leaving you be
So you can go fly free
And I’m apologizing
Because it’s all you respond to
It’s all i can do.

So it’s all i will do.
I wasn’t taught anything else.
So I’ll do this and hope it helps.

I’m sorry,
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I was going to
But I got stressed
And i got depressed
And i forgot.
I’m so sorry
Sorry won’t fix it i know.
I found things to love about you
I swear I did.
I thought you had left me though
I thought it was finished.
I dont deserve your time or another chance.
But
If i text you will you answer?

"The instructor said:
              Go home and write
               a page tonight.
              And let that page come out of you-
              Then, it will be true. " -Theme for English B by Langston Hughes

Ten minutes.
Is that all it takes?
To pour a piece of my soul,
Onto this page?

If it were up to the schooling system,
I could write and write and write.
But not a word of it would be True.
Not a word of it would be me.
Not a shard of my soul would be seen.

If given the chance I could write for hours
Page after page
Verse after verse
No need to stop or slow down
I know that my own Voice, I have already found.

I could talk about the love, the hurt
Anything others wanted to hear.
Or I could write about absolutely nothing.
Does writing about nothing count as something?
If the words on the page mean nothing to me,
Should I still be congratulated on the "good" work that they see?

My eyes are dead as I am praised for the work I forgot I wrote.
Because I didn't mean a single note.
This sometimes makes school simple.
If I say what they want to hear,
Then I pass and move to the next class,
While graduation grows near.

But what if I lose my Voice?
As so many others have.
I think that I would go mad.

Ah, it would seem my time is up.
Tell me then,
Was ten minutes enough?
Did I place a piece of my soul in this poem?
Or did it mean nothing to me,
As so much of our educational writing does.

I don't want us to be stuck in our head
I don't want us to have nightmares on end
I don't want us to be afraid
I don't want us to always be worried about hate
I don't want us to have to hide
I don't want us to have to lie
I don't want us to be uncomfortable in our skin
Waiting one day for a new life to begin
I don't want to watch us cry
Because we had to add a new string to our web of lies
I want us to be happy
To live the life we want
To stop having someone else be what's in front
I want us to be what people see and know
Instead of someone else who is fake and just for show
I want us to find our smile
Instead of forcing one every once in awhile
I want us to be us
I don't want us to hide because we are afraid of those we should trust
I want us to talk to them
So we don't have to lie again and again
I know we're afraid of something we don't know will happen
But what if we got an unwelcoming reaction?
Should we tell the truth and suffer the pain our own personal hell might send?
Or should we lie again?

Depression *****.
Am I right? Or am I right.
I can't speak.
I don't want to say anything
I want a hug and I want affection and I want attention.
But I also just want to escape and not think about anything.
Sometimes it's hard to escape with them around.

They keep me grounded when I start to get lost,
But once I'm lost they can only hope I find a way back.
They are so important to me,
But sometimes their feelings about me are hard to see.

I wish I could apologize
I wish I really knew what was happening
I wish I understood this blood-******* Demon in my head.

It's hard to talk about really.
TBH I'm just depressed.
I'm known as "that" kid, ya know?
The one with the depressing poetry and stuff.
And yeah they are just joking when they say things like
"You can't write happy things."
But it doesn't help.
Well it doesn't help me.
But my blood-******* Demon appreciates your comment about my writing.

I say he's blood-*******, but I should say blood-letting.
That's one of the things he enjoys doing with me.
"Go on Alec. Pick out a sad song. Something bittersweet should be nice. If it makes you feel guilty while urging you to continue then it's perfect."
But . . . I'm not really up to it today.
"That's okay, because your body thinks differently. Laptop has pulled up a song, door is shut tight, you've opened your Nightmare Before Christmas coffin. Go in Alec. Continue."

Do I have a choice?
I wonder what would happen if I stopped now.
If I left it all here
And went to them
Or to talk to them.
If not them, then someone.
But alas, I leave for no one.

I move the paper I signed over a year ago.
"Do you promise to use alternative methods instead of hurting yourself?"
I signed it.
I thought it would help.
But the only thing it's good for is hiding my tool.

I reach down and grasp the razor.
I **** my breath through my teeth.
This is gonna hurt.
It's from a pencil sharpener.
They are so easy to take apart.
And so convenient for my blood-*******/letting Demon.
He loves them.
I'm not sure if i love or hate them.

The melody has already begun.
The ritual has started.
I can't stop anything now.
Nothing short of someone bursting into my room to ****** it out of my hand would stop me.
But that won't happen
So i speculate for nothing.
I waver for just a moment.
I want blood, but do i want pain anymore?

It doesn't matter.
He wouldn't let me leave.
He just loves taking over my brain.
He says everyone hates me.
Family, friends, and worst of all them.
I can't disagree.
So i take the razor.
I angle it.
One of the sharp ends points down.
Sticking into my skin.
I can already feel the electricity of danger.

I slowly drag the blade down
Waiting for the blood to feed my Demon
He licks his lips in waiting
While I hiss at the sting it's bringing.
I flex to make the crimson colors blossom and bloom.
I know it will all be over soon.
Once he's had his fill
I can go back to my life
Like I was never even ill.
...But I don't know how to go back there anymore.
Any attempt at trying only increases his laughter.

......
It starts young
When they’re supposed to be having fun
But instead they cry
Not understanding why everyone lies
Or why everything hurts all the time
......

When he had rushed home from school
Walking through the house all alone
To feed his fish from the fair
Only to find it floating upside down,
Death was there.

When she had stared out her window
Glued to her binoculars for a good half hour
Just watching the animals outside the cabin
Only to see a bird ****** up and gobble on a hare,
Death was there

......
Surrounded by cruelty
Wondering who they’re supposed to be.
Growing up in a world
Where pain is constantly unfurled
Where nothing saves the doves
And everyone feels unloved
You live long enough one way
And soon there’s nothing else you can see or say.
......

When he had smiled softly
Knowing soon his heart would fill with glee.
For now bones creak and ache
All this life does is take
Watching the world around him
Knowing he’ll never be like them.
Aiming for the bottom of the building
Jumping down hoping
Knowing nothing is fair
And Death is there.

When she had been sobbing
So hard she ended up coughing
Staring at the bottle
Knowing she wouldn’t make it to the hospital
She swallowed a handful of pills
Before death she’d get her thrills.
In her final moments
Trudging through the thoughts and slowness
Knowing this world is full of despair
And Death is there.

There is a wall between us
One i cannot break
One i can’t get through
And find a way to say hey

No matter how hard i try
Our relationship, i cannot save
I wish i could reach out
Break through this clear cage.

But i can only smush my face against the glass
In hopes you will see
But you are not looking at me
Can you even see the glass?
Do you realize i am trapped?
Do you see that i cant reach through
I can’t touch or talk to you.

I’m not so sure what to do
You look content
On your side of this wall
Laughing and dancing
Talking and walking

And i -
I stay here
On my side of this wall
It looms all around
I feel like I’m  bound
‘Tis a solemn event
As i attempt to find a way through,
I can only conclude
It’s too strong to dent.

This is more of a vent
But i want it to rhyme
I just want to get over the wall! I’m hell-bent!
I want to get past this pane
It’s glass that just won’t ******* break
Without you how can i possibly stay sane?!
How do i fix this?
How do i reach you?
I’ll find a way out
I need to.

Do you even seen this glass?
How long can this loneliness last?
Do you see how I’m stuck?
How can you reach me?
If you can’t even see me?
I can not reach you.
Though try i might
But you look happy
Perhaps I’ll just give up this fight.

So i stay behind this glass
Maybe if you are happy my sadness will be over in a flash.
But alas i am forced to wait
So I stare through this pain

No matter what I want you to be happy,
Even though i wish i could feel the same.

Empty
Eyes wide open, but refuse to see.
Why not a smile?
In it I can taste the bile.
Why not tears?
Or saying cheers?
You would watch me. Make sure I'm safe and sound.
But my eyes are hollow underground.
The surface shows what I decide
But underneath, I am me, hollow. But I have already lied.
Can you take back something you aren't truly sorry for?
Or will those same demons come back, begging for more?
No. DEMANDING for it
And I just watch, while I idly sit.
I always thought myself a fighter.
But you can't burn a match without a lighter.
Here I am in the crowd
Watching from the upside down.
Feeling a presence but how to communicate
Or by the time I say something, will it be too late?
Just a hollow look, portraying a hollow soul.
If no one wants me to follow them, perhaps I won't fall down a rabbit hole.
I'd rather be seen as empty and hollow
Than be used and abused by those I know.
I may be empty to the world
But am I truly empty to me?

It hasn’t been very long that’s true,
But i feel just as safe as you.
I want to know it all
And I’d love to FaceTime call.
I want to be there for you
Whenever you’re feeling blue.
I want this too
So of course it’s okay
Whenever you feel bad and want to talk, you just need to say.
Okay?

I cant stay by you
I’m an extrovert but this, i cant do.
My personality should allow me to
But yet still I’m off a bit, I’m something new.

The longer i stay here
The more i can feel the tears
Are they going to stream down my face?
But when it comes to holding back, I’m an ace.

When it comes to hiding things
I can jump through all the hoops, and all the rings.
I can easily put up a face if i want
And you won’t be able to find anything no matter how much you hunt.

My goal is to leave
I know it makes everyone seethe.
‘Course that only helps me
You’re encouraging my behavior without being able to see.

But you deserve it
Because you make my head ring
In my head it sits.
Waiting for the bell to go “ding ding ding”

I cant keep fighting these demons
It’s not worth it for some fun.
I half want to stay and i half don’t
Because no matter how much i love you,
These demons are making me choke.

We have a toxic relationship
And i wish saying it would change it,
But it won’t.
And i need to give up hope.
Because i cant Breathe anymore,
Choking on the smoke.
And i get it, you’re either too grumpy or not bored,
So you don’t want to deal with me.
But getting it doesn’t always change what i see.
You can’t say I’m not one thing,
Just to turn around and use similar terms.
That’s not what i deserve.

Sometimes i know that in my poetry
I cant copy the lyrics i see
That as the sweet melodies wisp around my ear
I can never recreate the notes i hear.

As a poet i feel inferior
And it shakes me to my very core
But as a listener i feel superior
Because the themes are unlike any I’ve heard before

And i wish I could play more instruments
Because mine don’t always cut it
Sometimes i cant peel back that layer of reality
To see who I’m supposed to be.

Would it be better
If I screamed and cried?
Would it be better
If I tried to die?
Would that be right?

I don't know
What it is you want
"I want what's best for you"
I don't know what I want

Have I told you I might want
To join the military
I'm not sure what division
But I want to fight on my countries side

But when the law was passed
You, with relief, comically said
Guess you can't run off and join
The military

It was one of the
First times you actually
Liked me for being a boy

You are not accepting
No matter what you say
You deal with me
And care only when necessary
You don't want to lose me
So you attempt to accept me
But you do not truly care for me

I worry what you would think
If I told you I
Dont believe in a god
Or a heaven
Or a hell
I have a more Buddhist type of beliefs

I haven't believed in a god
For awhile now
But I haven't told you
Because it doesn't matter
I don't see why it should affect us
The same way
Me being your son
Should affect
Our relationship

You need therapy
You can't fix yourself
You can't fix your anger
Or your hatred
Because it's stemmed from somewhere
So deep inside of you
That you can't remove it
You've let it grow for so long
That you need help to
Uproot it

This has turned into a rant
But I don't feel bad about that
Because you never let me get
A single word in
I deserve someone on my side
Dad has said
If it comes down to it
He would pick you over us
Because he can lose us
But not you

So no matter what you say
In a conversation
He is always 100% on your side
He will never be on mine
Not even a little bit
Because you are who matters to him
I do not
And I wonder
Do you refuse
To have a mediator
Because then you might lose

Either way you lose
You lose an argument
And make a compromise
Or you lose me
And that's it you dont get a compromise
You wouldn't deserve one

You make me wanna come home
After a long day, when my soul wants to roam.

You remind of lazy summer mornings
Curled up on the couch watching tv and adoring.
The way the yellow light seems to curl and seep through the blinds
While sweet fantasies entrance my mind.

Sprawled out
With no worries, no doubts.

I want to fly.
I want to use a gun to die

I wonder how free a butterfly feels?
I’m sick of all these repulsive ideals

Do you ever wonder why the sky is blue?
I want to slice my scars until they are brand new

I like my black and brown shoes, Vans is my favorite brand.
I’m not sure whether my funeral would be small or grand

I love drawing, I’m not very good at it yet though.
I can’t look in the mirror for fear of seeing my greatest foe

I love small cuddly soft things, i own so many teddy bears and i love them all.
I wonder if anyone can hear me when i scream and slide down to the floor in a ball

I like smiley faces, there’s so many different ones, each with their own charm.
My favorite is the one i just carved into my arm

The night sky is best when covered in stars.
My deltoid looks better covered in my blood and scars

I want to be happy, body mind and soul
I don’t know how to be happy, or how to be whole.

Why must I do this
It hurts in body and mind
Why is this my life

This can not be right
What is it they do not see
I know this is me

I'm sorry
I'm not trying to leave
I'm not trying to avoid you
That's not what I want
I swear

But how do I stop myself?
No
No I won't say that
No that's annoying
No that's upsetting
I won't say that because then it will be true

I will try to stay
I want to more than anything
You were there for me when
I felt alone
Very very alone
When I couldn't look at myself
You were there
Not anyone from before

But you have to admit
We are different people.
Not that there is a problem with that
It's to be expected though
That we fight
And we argue sometimes
That's normal for friends
I guess.
Or so I've seen and been told

You are both a year older than me
I am immature and stupid and young
I am not on your level
I will never be there with you
I am always one step behind you

Not to mention that I am an addition to your friendship.
I was not there to begin with
I missed everything that you two went through
I'm not as close
I'm easy to remove
I matter less

But it makes sense.
I'm not hurt because it's expected
I'm sorry it seems like I'm just ranting now
But over the summer I started to care less
In a way
By care less I don't mean avoid you
I mean I stopped enjoying the over the top teasing
I didn't like it as much

It started to hurt
But I didn't want to say anything
Even though I should have.
I'm sorry it took so long for me to say something
I don't want us to fight

Sometimes you say you're joking
But I worry that you're not
I get frustrated sometimes
I lash out
When I shouldn't.
And that's not fair
And I'm sorry

But sorry isn't always enough
And I'm trying
To fix it
But I'm not very good at it
I am always wrong after all.

Do you remember the goldfish joke?
The snack that smiles back
Goldfish :)
It's been awhile since we've joked about that
Sorry I don't really know where that came from
I'm not really sure where any of this is coming from
I'm just kind of writing

Does it count as a poem
If it's not rhyming?
I mean I think so
But I don't really know

I'm sorry I've been distant.
I'm sorry I **** at writing poetry
I write stuff like this
So I can get out my emotions
It's stupid I know
I want to fix it
But I don't want to hurt anyone
I don't want to argue

When you joke around
Sometimes you mean it
And sometimes something is really hurting you
But how do I know what it is
If you won't tell me how you feel?
I'm sorry
I don't want to hurt you
I don't mean to hurt you
But that doesn't mean I don't hurt you
And saying sorry must be like
Putting a band aid on a chopped off limb.
I'm stupid
A lot of the time

This poem is getting really long
But it just doesn't feel finished yet
I keep thinking about the tone in your voice
When I say things I don't mean
I don't want to lose you!
I don't want to see that hurt look in your eyes!
But how do I fix this!
What do I do?!

You say it's okay
I have responsibilities now that I'm dating someone
But you're not being truthful
And you're hurting
At least I think
Maybe I'm wrong
I could be wrong
Maybe I'm the only one who is upset

But I feel like we need to talk
About something
About this thing
So that we don't
Fall apart
Because that's not what I want

I'm not sure what else to say.
I think I might just end it here
The poem that is
Not our friendship
Or this conversation
Just the poem
Because I'm not done
Talking about this
And as long as you let me
I want to and will be your friend.

I think that's it.
I'll end it here
On this verse.

I am Not your ******* puppy
I am Not “whipped” or “trained”

I wanted it to work just as much as you
And i thought maybe you just didn’t want it to.
I know that it hurts
And we could’ve made it work.
I get that yeah it’s kind of over,
But i also had fun while it lasted.
At least i found some new music to blast and
I want to thank you for talking to me,
And showing me some things that I didn’t see.
I still think you’re cute and a wonderful person.
You are hilarious and lots of fun.
So thank you, for being around
Even though we don’t even live in the same town.
If this is goodbye, then i bow and wish you farewell
And good luck in your journeys through life, however many times it may seem like hell.

The eyes are the window to the soul
Showing the emotions you can not explain, but still know.
Trying to decipher what it is that you see in those eyes
You could pretend not to care but those emotions are not just small lies.

The look was not expected but the tragedy was.
This was not what nature does
Matted fur and broken bones
Is their owner waiting for them to come home?
Lying on the side of the road all day
While the heat turned up and the sun slaved away
Open mouth, and god the eyes

The car must've come as a surprise. . .
Did they stop for even a second?
Was there any remorse? Did they even regret it?!
Did they look in their eyes . . . like I did.
Even hours after life was ripped from their body
The eyes were not empty and dead, but full of fright, aware of the unavailability to flee.
As if the soul was trapped, in shock and denial of the sudden tragedy.

Did I see the stars in their eyes?
The kind where you look up and question What, Why, When and Who you are?
Where you have your mid-life crisis in your teens.

Those eyes.
That soul.
I could feel the pain they felt, and the tragedy that they saw
But could not stop out of shock,
Were they expected to just put up a paw?
How is that not against the law.
Don't tell me that it's fair
Don't tell me that it's "just an animal"

You! look into it's eyes full of anguish and despair.
You! stare into the soul that is not yet aware.
You! see it's broken huddled mass of fur and bones and emotions unknown
And then try to tell me that it's fair.

Someone loved it, someone cared for it
How long with they be waiting for their buddy to come home?
How long before they lose all hope, not knowing who to phone.
You go tell them "it's just an animal"
Listen to what they have to say, then tell me you feel null.

You look into the owners eyes
And stare into their soul
And you will find the same despair you found in the eyes of that "just an animal"

I read something someone wrote today
It shocked me so much i nearly melted away.
What a lucky guy i thought to myself
To have someone appreciate them for being themselves.
To enjoy reading their writing
And want to know more about what drives them.
I don’t know if they were talking about me
Because i could just be wanting to be seen.
I couldn’t help but think about their questions
What my answers would be
If it was me who could satiate their curiosity?
I am into girls
But I am not in a relationship
I can be very overbearing and clingy
But I’m simply being me.
My favorite color?
Well i suppose I’m just as indecisive as any other
I enjoy dark shades of blue, purple, and red.
Oh wait! Does black or grey count as a color instead?
Coffee or tea? Hmm let’s see.
I really hope this wouldn’t be a deal breaker
For I’m not particularly into either flavor.
I’m a bit of a soda addict you see,
I love the caffeination and carbonation.
I may be a bit extreme.
But i suppose i can say that for almost all of me

Why is it, that i feel so alone
In this place i used to call my home.
With these people i used to call my friends,
Why did it all have to end?
Was i pulling away?
Or did i run out of interesting things to say?

Why did they feel the sudden urge, or need,
To lock the door on me?
Knowing full well the locks on the other side, and i dont have the key.
Why did they have to leave?
What is it that i couldnt give?
How much of it was a fib...

And it hurts to be left alone
In this dusty old home.
Void of any other life
The pain cuts like a dull knife.

I want to reach out
But my insides twist with doubt.
So i sit on a lonesome chair,
And into the oblivion I stare.
My mind is buzzing
And this empty abode begins humming

How does one
Make the choice
Between
Suffering and death

How does one decide
Between
Being alive
Out of spite
Or giving in
To rest

When the world
Seems so against you
Should you just give in?
Or should you keep on fighting
And find a way
To win

The world will keep on turning
But you should keep turning too?

How does one
Make the choice
Between
Suffering and death

With someone's life
Laying in your hands
How do you decide
What is right

If they choose wrong
Do you choose for them?
Do you choose what they want
Or what you feel you need?

No matter what you pick,
Will you still feel guilty?

How does one
Make the choice
Between
Suffering and death

When everyone says
I'm here for you
But no one really means it
Where do you turn

Are you okay?
Starts to anger you
How does life go on?
When you go through
What you go through

How do you make those choices
How do you decide
How do you know what is right
Or what to do

What light doth yonder window break?
It panes me; to stay and wait
Madness, Madness. Cold and Cruel
Leaving us all Jesters and Fools.

Insanity and Vanity
Our tools of trade.
Do you see what lovely little scars they make?

Perplexing and Vexing
A scattered picture makes.
For who can tell what is real, and what is fake.

Splattered and Slathered
The Mind unveils
Leaving all the ponder it's tales.
Who can tell truth from lie?
Who decides whether they live or die?
Judge, Jury, and Executioner alike
Have all seemingly gone on strike.

The Mind, a kaleidoscope of lies
Nicking and Picking
Fixating and Hating
Obsessing and Testing
Creating and Saving
Destroying, Deploying

Stop.

What Truth is lying within a lie?
That so encaptures and invests our Mind?
What is the difference between truth, fib, and lie?
Perhaps Songbird, Raven, and Vulture will suffice.

Crinkling pages
Students murmur through silence
Welcome back to hell

Are you talking about me?
Do you want me to leave?


...
I , umm,
I wanted to stay.
And i dont know why i didnt say,
The things i meant to.

Online relationships are hard, i know.
So it’s okay to leave before the show.
I thought I could see you
And i thought you could see me too.

I’m sorry i didnt mean to hurt you.
I didnt want to.
I know saying sorry won’t fix it
But I’d rather do that than just sit.

I never meant to make it seem like i expected a smile.
I didn’t mean for you to have to fake happiness
I wanted to be the place where you could talk, confess.

I wanted to know who you are truly
Not who everyone believes you to be.
But if you want me to go,
Then I’ll respect it, i suppose.
It’s not what i want
But I don’t want to be one more place where you put up a front.

The only thing they're good at
Is running away.
Twisting and turning on a narrow, dirt path.
Weaving past the pale barren trees.
Breathing heavily turns to panting like a dog.
The frigid air suffocating their lungs
Squeezing them like a python
But they cannot stop.
Further and further from warmth
The snow gets deeper, sinking like quick sand.
Their legs are numb and they can't feel their face.
But they're not with you.
They stumble, their legs stuck, and hear a snap.
The sound cuts through the cold, thick silence
Their eyes seem to water, but they can't be sure.
If so then they've frozen, unable to form any tears.
They trudge forward, crawling, their head barely reaching the top of the snow.
Their eyes shut tight, iced over like a rink
They want to call out but their Voice will not let them.
Subconscious too stubborn to let others know.
Reaching forward grasping at empty air,
Their lungs nearing empty,
Tilt their head to the sky.
A word escapes their lips through a puff of white air.
Small, weak, and frail
Sounding like broken glass.
An utterance of help,
Could it be their last?

Curl up into a ball
Perhaps they won't get over the wall
Shut tight with steel beams
No open cracks or broken seams
Put on the mask you hide behind
Your true face, they will not find!
Locking up all of your flaws
Soundproof walls, to hide their calls.
Plaster smiles onto your face!
The less they see, the less they take.
Too tall to climb, too strong to break.
Hidden, happy, and quite safe.
The wall is up
And all others are out of luck.

Love
-when the word is spoken it can seem bitter sweet.
-like candy that rolls off the tongue with a faint yet sour-sweet taste.

Freedom
-to some but a dream to others declaration
-keeps one smiling, looking forward to the future, while another takes for granted, doing all that they wish.

Friends
-people nearby, convenient and useful. People you love, care for, want to be with forever.
-used like tools to better yourself, cared for too much betrayed and alone, or stuck with forever; home away from home.

Depression
-tears, a sadness, a hate for yourself, unable to think so-called "happy thoughts"
-told its fake, just learn to smile. Going untreated, spark in eyes gone for awhile.

Strength
-physical, mental, objectively so. Not always the greatest but strive to be so.
-causes fights, ruins friendships, who is better? Measurement of abilities to see who is a go-getter.

Beauty
-a social construct, designed to keep in charge those who value their own opinion. Not caring who they make hurt inside.
-true beauty, being oneself, something hard to come across. Too wrapped up in others words to take a look at what they've lost.

Heroes
-"anyone can be a hero, even you."
-but if we believe that's true, why do we hold them so high above the rest, if anyone of us qualify for the test?

It's difficult to bare my soul
To let you know the things
That I let no one know

It's difficult to say the words
That I wish so dearly to have you hear
And not knowing how you'll respond
I've developed a fear

Slowly ever so slowly I try to let go
I try to say the things I feel
To let you know
That I care that I'm here that I miss you
Too much

But I sound pathetic
To my own ears
And I want nothing more than
To shut up

But once I start
I can't seem to stop
The words fight to escape
And I'm left feeling lost

I'm trapped in a daze
Lost in a maze
How can I tell you
How much you mean

If I can't bear to see
Or hear what you'd say
Why can't I tell you
And why does it hurt

If I say nothing it threatens come out
It wants to be heard
And I don't doubt
It would gladly escape
At just the wrong moment
And ruin my happiness
And all that we have

If I say something
It hurts just to hear
The words sound pathetic
And I feel so cruel
To myself and I say
The things I fear
How will you react
Did you even hear?

You don't always,
You don't always respond
And that makes me more lost
I don't know
What to say
Or what that means
But it hurts
And this pain
...
It wants to be seen

How do I bare my soul
To another
Even though I know
That we could very well leave each other

What keeps me going
What keeps me here
Why do I feel this way
When you do not?
You are nervous sure
But you say you feel different
Like suddenly you believe in love
And the things that come with it

And I
I feel the same
But I've always believed
And I've know this would be difficult
But this?
A past me, would not believe.

This wreck I am becoming
This crushing weight of me
Of you
Of us?
What does this all mean
When I want to say
The things that dash around my brain

But
You
Don't
Always
Hear.

And I bare my soul
In just one moment
I just let go
And there it is
Left out
In the open

But you
You didn't hear...
And I know
I can't bring myself to repeat.
The words I spoke
Are words I would never say
Words that escaped through some hole
In my soul
And found a way

Word *****
One might think
But something I hide
Is what I think

I want to say what I said
Again
But
What you would say
Leaves me in internal pain
To no end

I couldn't do it
I couldn't repeat
I couldn't bare my soul
I had to miss that beat.

I can't
I don't know why
I trust you with so many things
And I do
I care
And I know that you
Mean so much to me

But I'm afraid
Of too many things
I'm still unsure
Of how to be me.
And how can I bare my existence to you
If I can't even do that
For me?

And I know this poem
Isn't over
It's just not finished yet
But I can't seem to
Find the words
To be able to say
The things that truly
Want to escape

How do I talk to you?
How do I stop hiding
How do I unlock my cage
How do I let these things so sacred
Escape?

And what?
Find their way to you?
You, the unknown?
You, the unsure variable
The confusing algebraic equation
The one I could spend hours working on
Slaving away
Paper and pen
Still not knowing
How to solve or what to say.

How will you react
When you realize what I am
Who I am
I've told you things before
Things no one knows.
But yet
...
To fully bare my soul?

To say the things
I've locked away
The things kept from prying eyes
The things I hide from MYSELF?

I want to say it all.
And it's terrifying
Because what
What will you say?
What will you do??
What if I lose you???

I should shut up
I know it
So I will
I'm sorry

I'm going to snap
I'm going to break
I'm going to blow up
And end this place
My palace of lies
Will come crumbling down
The cracks are already
Easily found
Big and small
With jagged edges
Much like the heart
That keeps on begging

What do I,
Or it even want?
This is too long
I'm stuck in a rut
...
Sorry
That is the end.

But why am I still so frustrated!!!
Why is my heart mind and soul still filled with this hatred!!
Why do I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart?!?!
Why do I feel so broken, like a shattered work of art
....
Why can't I shed a single tear
And I sit here
And everything is so unclear
...
And I want to say I'm sorry
But I don't know how to say
It or anything else
And this has grown too long
And my feelings are too ****** difficult to overcome
And I need to just let go.
But I can't until you know.

So I'll say it
Or rather send it
And I don't know how you'll react
And I'm terrified
Like a trapped rat
But I'll do it
And I'll see where it leads

I'm not one for trust falls
I've always caught myself just a hair before
Stumble and save myself
Because what if they aren't there?
Because they don't need me anymore

And what if they is you and you are them
And they are the world and you are my world
And everything is lie
And I'm still ******* trapped in my never-ending mind!
....
But I'll try
I'll let myself attempt
I'll turn my back
And hope that you
Won't be the Brutus to my Caesar.
That the words "es tu brute?"
Won't escape my lips

And hope
That I will fall
And that you will catch me
And that it will be okay
Because I will trust you
Even through my own anxiety.

I’m gonna have to be careful with you
Because you live so far, you make me wanna be there too.
And every poem or message i read
Just makes me more intrigued.
And though a relationship would be hard
And we both have scars.
I’m all too willing to try,
All too willing to fight.
I’m sorry it took me forever to read your poem
It didn’t show up on my home and
I know that fear
It’s scary that I’m putting myself semi-out there.
And you’re not just another person to talk to,
I have a fastly growing interest in you.
And not just an interest, but feelings too.

When it’s midnight over there,
It’s nine here, it’s unfair.
And i wish I was there with you
To make you smile, and laugh too.

It’s frustrating indeed,
That you’re so **** far away from me.
You say you’d try to hold my hand,
While we listen to your (and now some of my) favorite bands.

By the time that you tried,
Our fingers would already be intertwined.
I know right now it’s just fantasy.
But i can talk to you so naturally.

And yeah it’ll be difficult,
And sometimes you might just want to bolt.
But if we really want this
Nothing can stop us, not even this distance.

Stupidity.
What does it mean?
Is it when you lose your glasses and stumble around since you can't see?
Is it when you save all your homework for the Last Possible Second
Because work is a force you're not willing to reckon?
Is it when you try to ignore the feelings inside
Because confronting them is harder than making up a lie?
In that case, I must be a stupid boy.

You have tears? Well I have tissues
You want to talk? I understand, I also have some issues.
Bad times can always do a 180 flip
As long as you're willing to let your feelings slip.

Pain,
It's something I know that I face everyday
It's made me think that I'm insane.
It's made me force myself to have nothing to say.

Granted I've never seen you face-to-face
But from writing and chatting I'd like to think I have a pretty good base.
Maybe a little shaky because we only recently met
Getting to know someone's soul can take awhile,
But it's worth it, to see them smile.

Crying.
If I said I didn't do it, I'd be outright lying.
Sometimes emotions are overwhelming
And towards myself I end up yelling.
And I wonder what leads me to think this way,
How do I stop it? What do I do or say?

Invisible?
I often wonder if I'm fictional.
If my problems really exist
Or if I'm a quick doodle by some artist.

Sometimes trying
Starts with crying.
Would you write with a mechanical pencil
If it was all backed up?
And sometimes we need to be existential.
How else would we grow?
And learn the things we need to know?

Love may feel unobtainable
And you may feel barely durable.
But if you're going to whisper,
Then I'm going to shout.

I KNOW THAT IT'S EASIER TO DOUBT
AND TO BLUR IT ALL OUT
BUT I'D LIKE TO SAY HELLO
IN AN ATTEMPT TO SHOW
THAT I DO CARE
AND I'M WILLING TO LISTEN,
IF YOU'RE WILLING TO SHARE.

Let us smile for it is a joyous day!!
One to be proud of,
One that states hey!
One from beginning to end
Was filled with good friends.
Cheers and laughter!
Love and hope.
One with no worry!
...
But is it a hoax?
Does the truth hide behind some sort of a veil?
Or is it there in the open,
Making us pale.
Do we figure it out...
Or pretend we don't doubt?

It’s not about you
I promise that much is true.
I know you want to help me
But i cant be helped or saved you see

I confide In you
When I’m feeling blue.
Because i know you always make me feel better
You take away the hurt.

But when i hurt myself
It’s not because you failed to bring me back to health
It’s because I’m not sane
In helping me, there is little satisfaction to gain.

I promise youre helping
Though i know i make you feel like you’ve failed.
I make you want to bail.
Trust me i know, that’s what I’m always telling me.

You make me happy
When i feel so ******* ******.
That’s talent right there,
And it’s slowly changing me, but nothing is fair.

I know, i know
You take one step forward, i take two back.
I know you’re not going to attack,
I want to reach out to you
But my inner hatred declared you foe.

And i dont mean to hurt you
When i do the things I do
I know it’s frustrating not being able to force me to stop
You feel like my depression will always be on top.

And maybe you’re right,
Maybe I’m unfixable
Maybe I’ll never see the light
Maybe my anti self worth takes too much of a toll.

So maybe it is all useless,
Maybe I’m just some ****** up mess
And you’re trying to fix this
Any advance you make is dismissed.

So im sorry
Im not exactly a good victim
All i know is how to keep committing this single sin.
Maybe you should just go.
Because saving me is really not gonna be worth it, ya know?

Demons will push
And Demons will play
But don’t let them scare
The ones you love away.

Thoughts may consume
Common sense trapped in a tomb
Demons can stay
Or demons can go,
Sometimes it’s better to let someone know.
I know that it’s easier to smile
But try to rely on others every once in awhile.