Alec 2d

Iron bars
Endless stars
Crying all alone
Wondering who to phone
Just wanting to go home
What is home
I’m not sure I’ve ever known
Believe in yourself
But that’s impossible without help
My everything is a mess
Maybe i should just be all alone
Screw this imaginary home
I speak to the silence
Teter-tottering on this fence
Following the shadow in the light
Focusing on the dark
...
It's all i like.

Alec 3d

It’s like I’m on fire.
A human torch, or rather, a lighter.
Flame shoots from my lips and fingertips.
Burning those around me to a crisp.
At first the flame is only warm,
Until it starts licking around the torn.
Growing brighter and heavier,
The flame forces all other senses into a dull blur.
Don’t help me,
You’re only providing more fuel.
You’re no savior, you’re just a fool.
I am Flame. I am Smoke.
The syllables i speak will burn and make you choke.

Alec 5d

There is a wall between us
One i cannot break
One i can’t get through
And find a way to say hey

No matter how hard i try
Our relationship, i cannot save
I wish i could reach out
Break through this clear cage.

But i can only smush my face against the glass
In hopes you will see
But you are not looking at me
Can you even see the glass?
Do you realize i am trapped?
Do you see that i cant reach through
I can’t touch or talk to you.

I’m not so sure what to do
You look content
On your side of this wall
Laughing and dancing
Talking and walking

And i -
I stay here
On my side of this wall
It looms all around
I feel like I’m  bound
‘Tis a solemn event
As i attempt to find a way through,
I can only conclude
It’s too strong to dent.

This is more of a vent
But i want it to rhyme
I just want to get over the wall! I’m hell-bent!
I want to get past this pane
It’s glass that just won’t fucking break
Without you how can i possibly stay sane?!
How do i fix this?
How do i reach you?
I’ll find a way out
I need to.

Do you even seen this glass?
How long can this loneliness last?
Do you see how I’m stuck?
How can you reach me?
If you can’t even see me?
I can not reach you.
Though try i might
But you look happy
Perhaps I’ll just give up this fight.

So i stay behind this glass
Maybe if you are happy my sadness will be over in a flash.
But alas i am forced to wait
So I stare through this pain

No matter what I want you to be happy,
Even though i wish i could feel the same.

Alec 5d

It’s not about you
I promise that much is true.
I know you want to help me
But i cant be helped or saved you see

I confide In you
When I’m feeling blue.
Because i know you always make me feel better
You take away the hurt.

But when i hurt myself
It’s not because you failed to bring me back to health
It’s because I’m not sane
In helping me, there is little satisfaction to gain.

I promise youre helping
Though i know i make you feel like you’ve failed.
I make you want to bail.
Trust me i know, that’s what I’m always telling me.

You make me happy
When i feel so fucking crappy.
That’s talent right there,
And it’s slowly changing me, but nothing is fair.

I know, i know
You take one step forward, i take two back.
I know you’re not going to attack,
I want to reach out to you
But my inner hatred declared you foe.

And i dont mean to hurt you
When i do the things I do
I know it’s frustrating not being able to force me to stop
You feel like my depression will always be on top.

And maybe you’re right,
Maybe I’m unfixable
Maybe I’ll never see the light
Maybe my anti self worth takes too much of a toll.

So maybe it is all useless,
Maybe I’m just some fucked up mess
And you’re trying to fix this
Any advance you make is dismissed.

So im sorry
Im not exactly a good victim
All i know is how to keep committing this single sin.
Maybe you should just go.
Because saving me is really not gonna be worth it, ya know?

Alec 6d

You
Why is it always you?
Two of a kind
Running around my mind.

Why does it always lead back to you?
What is so special about you that i cant find someone new?
What is it that you give me,
That leads me to stay instead of flee.

You
What is going through your head?
How can you possibly call me friend?
Why do you want this to continue instead of end?

What do you see in me?
You’re delusional because there’s nothing to see.
I shouldn’t mean anything to you
Yet you stay and say that I’m important
But i confess all i do to you is rant.

Rant about my feelings
And other useless, irrelevant things.
Why do you continue to listen?
Despite me telling you to go constantly.

Why don’t you ever leave
The easiest thing to do would be to get rid of this pet peeve
I am both a pet and a pest
Your loyally insecure puppy

Too attached
Now forever yours
You don’t want to be stuck with this mess
So please just go, like all the rest.
It’s driving me insane
Do you even have a brain?
Why won’t you just go!
I’m too attached and I wait for you to leave
Because it’s all i know.

And you frustrate me
Because you just won’t go!
What is it running through your head?
I’ll never know.
You comfort me whenever I’m upset
You care about me when i cant care for myself
Why do you do these things?
Because we’re friends?
I’ve never known that path to lead to a good end.

Yet you say you’re different.
And i find myself wanting to believe
Please don’t lead me to be crushed in defeat.
I’m not sure i can take yet another heartbreak
Which is why i keep pushing and pushing you farther away.
I’m not quite sure how to let you in
So i awkwardly say too little and too much
Neither option seems to be enough.
I feel completely exposed and completely isolated.

Am i an attached little puppy?
Why do i trust you even though trust doesn’t mean shit.
I know as time goes on i will mean less and less
But i fear the future so i always think about it and end up a mess.
I dont know how to stop it so i just back away and refuse to do anything
While i sit and ponder why my heart stings

I admit, yes, i do this to myself
I worry and worry until the future i predict comes true.
I know it’s not any good for my health
But i refuse any type of help
Am i even aware of what help is anymore?
I know how to help myself get worse
How to put myself in that dark inescapable void.
It’s tiring but fun,
Watching my sanity slowly spiral.

Isn’t it fun to tell you goodbye
Just to go off and cry
And cut some more?

Alec 7d

Do you remember that trick
That was taught to us
When we were making a fuss.
We’d just tumbled or stumbled and hurt ourselves.

And our family said to bite our cheek or tongue or finger because it helps.
We started doing it all the time
Every time we got hurt, but the trick kinda internalized.

Learning to stop one pain with another,
The flame doesn’t hurt your skin if you’re being smothered.
So you’d have bite marks on your finger
Nail imprints on your hands,
Pain that lingered.

But then that wasn’t enough
And you had to keep trying new things
Because you were getting too tough.
Bruises in places where no one would see.
Hidden nicely behind a tee.

And suddenly the pain started being in your heart and head
And you were so confused
How do you stop this pain with something greater
Until you finally figured it out, how to stop this blues.

Your trick still works,
It just needs to sting
No more nails, you want metallic imprints from the tines of your fork
Biting down on your pillow as you dig deeper into your skin
Trying to find some way to overcome what’s inside and win.

Battling fire with fuel.
Why isn’t it working?
Why is the pain you feel still there, still real?
But it doesn’t stop.
It never stops.
And now you don’t know how to stop.

Alec Dec 8

Little boy
Don't go
Little boy, why are you standing alone?
Standing all alone...

Little boy
Don't grow up fast
Little boy
The past never stays in the past.
Little boy
Don't go

Little boy
The world is cruel
It's sick and lonesome
Believe me, it's no fun.
Little boy
Don't grow up

You're moving on
You're giving up
Little boy
Stay young
Little boy
Stay fun
Little boy
The world will turn
And as it turns
What will you learn?
Little boy
Little boy

Little boy
Just take my hand
I'll fly you 'round
To Neverland
Little boy
Don't grow up
Little boy
Don't go too far
Don't leave behind
Everything that you are
Little boy

Little boy
Please don't go
You're all I have
Please don't leave me all alone
Don't leave me all alone...

Little boy
You're all alone
Come with me
I'll take you home
Little boy
Don't go

Little boy
You've grown up quick
You're awful strong
And you've got wit.
Yeah
But little boy
Don't go.

Little boy
You're all i have
With nothing left
How much more time i wish we'd spent.

Little boy
You're all i had
But don't you think
That I am mad
Cuz little boy
You'll always be
Special to me.
Little boy
You've grown so much
Into a man
The world was cruel
But it shook your hand.

Little boy
You're all i have
You were all i had.
Little boy,
Stay in touch
Keep your mind
Don't fuss too much.
Little boy
Don't grow up
Too much.

Little boy
I'll miss you now
You're all alone
But it's okay to wander now.

Little boy
I'm always here
When you stop by
I'll always cheer

Little boy
Don't cry
Little boy
It's all right
Little boy
I'll be fine,
This time.

Little boy
This is home
But it's time for you
To go.
Little boy.

I'll miss you
And you'll miss me
But we'll be fine
You'll see

And little boy
Though you're a man
Don't grow up
Too fast
The world is cruel
Though it shook your hand
Little boy
Stay young
Little boy
Stay fun
Little boy
Go fast, run.

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