Why do I still care about the people that have walked out of my life?

I met a girl named Ana
she is beautiful in every possible way
her body is perfect, and she was
determined to stay

I made a friend named Ana
she promised to tell me her secrets of perfection
what I didn't know wouldn't **** me
until it led to addiction

my best friends name is Ana
she's always talking to me
recommending to skip two meals
maybe even three

I hate a girl named Ana
she promised me pleasure
instead I feel dead inside
it's nothing but torture

I'm prisoner to a girl named Ana
please, somebody listen to my silent crys
I can't speak my own mind
help me before I die!

my murders name is Ana
she made me starve, she made me weak
death wasn't the solution
I tried to seek

You may not want me here
But I am here to stay
I can help you ****
Those pounds you wish away

To improve your image
And help you feel delight
To stare into your reflection
And love the beautiful sight

We'll start with just a pound
Or maybe even more
Just walk into your bathroom
And behind you shut the door

It's okay darling
Not losing weight yet?
Alright, we'll cut some meals
No need to be upset

Your shedding weight pound for pound
But still you are not pleased
Your own reflection mocks you
And in public you are teased

Even now as you look in the mirror
You still want to lose it all
Down to 60 pounds
And all of your teardrops fall

You still felt worthless,
Not good enough
And life around you
Was getting too tough

You were killing yourself
And you just wanted it to end
You still wanted more
Of what I recommend

And now your dead
Because you were a little overweight
And you never believed your friends
When they told you "you look great"

Don't make a promise to
Somebody if you have
no intentions of
keeping it
Because
one
of
the
most
Hurtful
Unnoticed
Most common
Pains in the world
Is a broken promise

Love her and hold her
And give her the world
Because she won't always
Be your little girl

Dear bully,

Why?

Everyone goes through some stuff in their life that they want to change.
Something that hurt them, someone who changed them, a situation that could have been avoided.
And we have to face the realization that we can't change any of it.
I wish I could write a letter to myself.
My past self.
I could tell her that the minds of teenagers get dark and scary.
I would inform her that razors should only be used to shave.
I would plead that she didn't let her insecurities stop her from reaching her goals.
I would enlighten her that no matter how much make-up, dieting, or personality changes she commits too; its better to change for yourself than turn into something your not for others.
I would encourage her to not think twice. STOP OVERTHINKING.
I would remind her that she is young and yes, death is unpredictable but so is your ability to reach your biggest dreams. Reach for your dreams.
Don't think of death as a dead line; great things take time.
Everyone makes mistakes.
I would tell her that one day she will have these unexplainable feelings for a girl. It will seem impossible, but do not give up on her.
I would warn her about the high school boys that will only use her, no matter how Christian they are.
Create friendships, get to know people before you give yourself away.
Let things take its course and you may be surprised where it takes you.
I would explain all of the great things that I have experienced, and inform her that the world can be bright.
I would remind her that her parents only want what is best for her, and they are more supportive than she thinks.
I would let her know that people will leave her, and it will be hard for awhile, but she will survive.
You will survive.

The little girl that used to be so happy is now torn to bits from the disappointment and dishonesty of the people that once grasped her trust.
Her body trembles, destroying every ounce of decency and bravery she build up for herself, crumbling to the depths of her soul like an earthquake. Her demons wave her heart on a string like bate as her only hope was to catch it and be free. Her soul in which resembles an endless pit that was dug by the people with the determination of ruining her life, their only goal to make her feel anything but human. She trembles only to cradle herself in the blood stained arms that read "broken" and "useless".
She walks the world, but does not have enough strength to hold off the judgement and infectious torment from the people around her, falling to her knees in defeet.
The strings of her heart play beautiful melodies which can only be accomponied by the sound of chalk streaking across the blackboard of the classroom in which she sits in silence, only to be bombarded by the memories of self hatred.
Her eyes tell stories of times changed and gone. The hurtful sayings of the horific beings who threw rocks at recess stain her cheeks through the long nights of the nightmares she can never form the words to describe, only to line her lips. The lips she forces into a smile everyday that insure that her loved ones don't have to worry.
She carves "I'm fine" into her brain only hoping that the words she repeats to herself will finally sink in.
Her torso scarred from his hands, expossing everything she has tried to hide. So broken, you can look through her rib cage and find the heart with the messy stitches sewn from shaking hands because she could never find anyone else to support her.
Her legs are stakes in the ground as white flags, surrendering to the pain and showing her signs of weakness. Each step she takes trying to walk out of life she does not want anymore forms another crack in her plastured exterior.
Her eyes have grown accustomed to the dark where she has been forced to hide.
Jealousy taking over her as she looks into the eyes of the beautiful beings who greet her with real smiles.
Her ears are pulled inside-out only to hear her horid thoughts.
Perfect souls greet her with kindness only to be stoped by the harsh words she repeats, creating a bubble filled with the poisonous laughter of her demons saying "you lost".
She has no choice but to stay in her bubble because she has been infected with false reality and depression, she stays to keep her loved ones safe for if she leaves her bubble then they will get hurt.
So she wears a sign around her neck that reads "dangerous" only hoping they are smart enough to walk away.

Show                                                      That
them                                                       they
   the                                                         love
smile                                                      to see


                                  :)

Even                 ­                                          happy
     if                                                         Be
         it                                                  to
          ­    means                       pretending
                          faking it and

Everybody knows
that when you sleep
You drift into your mind
a little too deep
You have dreams that you like
and dreams that are scary
Dreams you wish to live
And dreams you wish to bury
Sometimes our minds
Lose control when we sleep
So we live too high
And fall too steep
Sometimes we dream
Of people in our lives
Sometimes they're decent
And sometimes they die
But what we don't understand
About these things
Is that they have a meaning
What ever that may bring

Hidden from the world, their expectations too high
I will never reach them, even if I try.

So I change myself; My face, my hair,
Everything that makes me ME, no one will care.

Soon enough, I'm not the same as I used to be
No longer that little girl that everyone loved to see.

I have become a fake person with fake aspects
So afraid of their expectations of having to be perfect.

I have lost the only people that cared about the real me
Now I'm a nail, holding up their reputations like the tool they want me to be.

I am defenseless and the only thing I can do is be quiet
This is what I wanted, right? The new look, personality and diet.

I wanted to reach their expectations and still I fail to do that
I changed myself for them but still they walk all over me like a mat.

I guess their expectations were too high, I couldn't go that far
Now I have to live with them ******* me dry of myself like the leeches they are.

Eyes are the gateway to the soul.
I used to be able to look into someone's eyes and see happiness, everyone was always so happy.
Few people would ever look sad, their eyes would show flashbacks of pain and doubt, always hurt by the past.
I used to look in the mirror and laugh because I would watch my memories dance around my eyes and bring me joy.
But then reality kicked in.
I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror.
Now when I look at myself, it's like I fade to black and white.
I am dragged into my soul and drown by my memories.
I am tortured by what has happened to me and what has happened to the people around me, I am suffocated by the reality of the world and the brutality of people.
I am scared to keep eye contact with people because I don't want them to be dragged into the darkness of my memories.
I don't want them to see the things I won't tell them.
There are only a few times when I can hold eye contact, and that's when someone understands.
I meet my friends eyes and I can see their hurt, our memories comfort each other saying "you're not alone".

I smile
I say I'm fine
But I never knew it was a waist of time

You saw through my lies
You held my hands
And stared in my eyes

You sat me down
Your smile was warming
You promised you would stay till morning

You hugged me
And whispered in my ear
*"everything will be okay, I love you dear"

"see you later "
                              Is a promise.
      While
                  "good bye"*
                                        Is a precaution.

?I grew up too fast.

When I was younger, I was taught that school is important. Im going to graduate, go to college, get a job, have a family and then my life will be complete.
I used to get so excited thinking about all of it... now It scares me.

I miss being little
I miss having a dog that was bigger than me
I miss watching cartoons on Saturday morning's instead of studying for an exam that is most of my grade.
I miss my only worries being if I got coal or candy in my stocking that year.
I miss adding a new mark on the door frame, each mark a little taller than the last.
I miss the easy homework in elementary school that seemed difficult at the time.

I remember wanting nothing more than to be one of the big kids, but now I just want to reverse the years.
When your younger the only chore you have is picking up your toys and cleaning up your messes.
When you get older you have to sweep, mop, dust, the list goes on.
When you're younger you don't have to worry about relationships because "they have cooties".
When you get older you get this idea that if you don't date anybody then you're not cool, and if you date too many people you're a who're.
But we all grow up
We all have to take responsibility, and those who don't,
fail in life

My parents warned me,
They warned me about the people I would run into, the obstacles I would have to face, the peer pressure, the school work, the discipline I would have to learn in order to become successful in life.
I always thought I had more time to prepare myself.

when you grow up, one of the many obstacles you face, is the people around you; the bullies, the teachers.
when you grow up, you are exposed to peer pressure and are given no choice but to follow the leader.
Peer pressure is a horrible thing; it can get you to smoke, to drink, to join gangs, to ruin your life.
the lucky ones are the people that are strong enough to say “No”.
when you grow up, you have this feeling of depression, of loneliness, of feeling you are not good enough; and it's horrible because we all feel it at some time, no matter how hard you try to prevent it.

when your younger the years go by slower, making it feel like time will last forever.
Then the years pass by, they start moving faster and faster,
Especially when your having fun.
Growing up isn't always horrible, there are people I'm glad that I met, memories that will always make me smile, hard times that have made me a better person, and lives that I've changed.
Im thankful
I just wish the innocence, the simplicity could have lasted a little longer.

I have not felt this happy in years, thank you

She makes me so happy that I can't explain what my life would be like without her.
She has been there for me in some pretty bad times.. even when I didn't want her to find out I was in pain.
She knows me more than I know myself.
She shows me different sides of me that I didn't know existed.
We've had some fights and there are still times when I want to bash her head in with my own fist.. but I love her death.
I would risk my life for her and I know she would do the same in return although I won't let her.
I can't stand to see her upset, it makes me feel like I have to make things better so she can be happy..
But she pushes me away so it gets harder to do.
We are inseparable.
We have been with each other since the beginning and we'll end that way.
Seeing her happy and laughing can brighten my entire day.
I am lucky to have her as a sister.
Even though I may get mad and push everyone away, I appreciate that you've never given up on me.
Thank you makayla :)

My friend decided to make up
This holiday for holding hands.
Every Wednesday she would grab my hand and we would walk down the halls telling people to do the same.
The thought of it still makes me smile.
Well, one day
There was this stranger.
I had seen him before, but I never talked to him.
But I held his hand, he didn't mind,
I was expecting him to pull away or something
But he just smiled and walked with me.
We started talking through out the school year
And a few broken hearts later he decides
To tell me he had a crush on me,
That this crush had been going on since
That Wednesday when I held his hand.
Later I had fallen into this depression.
I didn't want to talk to anybody,
I didn't want to hold hands.
Me and this guy got distant,
Until one Wednesday when we were
Talking, I held his hand.
And that's when I told him I had a crush on him too.
In that moment, I had never seen him smile that big.
He told me he had been dying to hold my hand again.
My mistake was the timing..
He was moving.
We got close and we had to say good bye.
To this day I still find myself thinking about him
Whenever I hold hands with somebody.

Home is where I grew up
It's where we buried my favorite dog
It's the yellow and red tulips in the back yard
It's the memories of the celebrations and holidays
It's where my friends were
It's the tennis court on the next block
It's the elementary school we walked to
It's the library rock wall that we walked along
It's the skating rink we go to every Friday night
It's where I grew up
It's the kitchen where the height measurements on the door frame still stand
It's the closet from my room where I hid my secrets
It's the long nights I stayed up laughing with my sister
It's achievements I was awarded
It's the kitchen cabinet where I would always hide
It's the memory of my brother and how he treated us
It's the barking in the middle of the night when we got our new puppy who is now bigger than I am
It's the shed in the yard next door where I had fun
It's the memory of my neighbors
It's the nights I spent grieving with my sister
It's Jimmy joining in the army
It's where I got most of my injuries
It's the sleepovers with my friend Tennison
It's how me and Makayla danced in the dining room
It's my job as a babysitter and a dog walker
It's my crush living at the end of the block
It's the abandoned house where we hung out
It was the trips to JR's house
It was where I learned to ride a bike, crochet, play soccer, basketball, tennis
It's where I discovered myself
It's the memory of packing and moving out
It's Greg and his family trashing my dad's hard work
Home is not riding the bus to school
It's not my brother moving out
It's not the drama
It's not the bad things that have happened
It's not the hospital bills
It's not the white picket fence in the front yard
This may be where I live and I know my thoughts will change but for right now
This is not my home.

Why is it that soldiers are trading dog tags for hospital beds and body bags?
Why are graduates gambling away their lives through drugs and alcohol?
Why is it that we have to keep moving on like things are okay? Like this isn't as messed up as the news make it sound
Why is it that teenage girls are playing a game of rullet with their bodies; like teen pregnancy is just a myth
Why are young kids that have expierenced true pain not acknowledged; like their hurt is not worthy of being praised
"They don't know true pain. They're just kids"
Oh but their pain is just as real as yours.
Why do we rely on relationships to help us feel whole?
Like happiness is received through the lips of another and love is something guarantied
Why are we knocked down by all that is wrong with the world just so someone can say "get up"?
How many people have to leave are lives while we are dreaming of the memories only certain minds can relate?
How many times are we supposed chock on last goodbyes due to illnesses that don't have cures?
How many kids are going to be left with out parents? Sisters? Brothers? How many kids are going to be orphens of the world that has turned them down time and time again?
How many?
How many kids will leave all of their faith in fictional characters, in superheros, until they are shown the justice that they have longed for?
What level of the word "racist" are we supposed to reach before something is actually done to stop it?
Its not really the number of problems I'm looking for
What I really want to know is how many people are going to take a stand to actually stop these things?

I wish to be the girl you hold so tight
I wish to be the one you lay with at night
I wish I could be able to trust again
I wish I could stop writing with this blood pen
I wish I was beautiful, thin, and tall
I wish I could just sleep and forget it all
I wish I could go and live on a star
I wish I was strong enough to go that far
I wish to be confident, important, and smart
I wish my first job will be a good start
I wish to stop growing and always stay young
I wish I could hide my nicotine stained tongue
I wish that I will graduate and live a great life
I wish that my husband will think me a good wife
I wish to have kids so I can watch them grow
I wish I was strong enough to just let go
I wish to move on, forget, and forgive
I wish to be happy so I can just live
I wish that soon you will understand
I wish I could replace my thyroid gland
I wish that I was a healthy child
I wish that I could fly for miles
I wish that my family will begin to be kind
I wish to rid the suicidal thoughts from my mind
I wish to be recognized for my art
I wish that the right boy will fix my heart
I wish that I will be more optimistic
I wish that my wishes were more realistic

Its the way she talks about the things she is passionate about that makes me fall even harder for her
I love how she doesn't care about her appearance and how she has gotten me to focus less on mine
I can't help but smile whenever I think back to the moments when I am with her
She always seems to impress me with some hidden talent or personality feature
She is never boring or original, even her family can surprise me at the most random of times
Whenever I am with her she makes everything seem like it is okay
I stress over a lot of things and no matter what situation it is she can make me look at it from a different view
I love her so much but I fail to say it enough
So even if she never knows what I think about her or even if we don't last, I just hope she knows that she has made me into a better person and that I hope she will keep changing me for the better in the future

Today you talked to me,
I know you left me for her
But I can't help but feel as though I miss you.

Today you stared at me,
Just like how you used to,
Starring into my eyes, you make me feel like it's just you & me

Today you told me you missed me,
That you still love me,
But it was best for us to stay friends

Today you held me once again,
Only this time
The hug was longer, tighter, sweeter

Today you flirted with her
Right in front of me
Told me "she might be the one"

Tonight,
I sleep...I need to get you off my mind,
Maybe I'll finally move on

Now I realize
That all of these memories,
Are just a lot of yesturdays

Hold me, love me
With all of your mite
Be with me
Just for tonight

Let's drink and get high
Until the morning light
Have fun and let go
Just for tonight

Be wild and crazy
Let's start a fight
Be stupid with me
Just for tonight

Travel with me
And see new sights
Let's have an adventure
Just for tonight

Let's jump off this cliff
And then take flight
Take risks with me
Just for tonight

Lay with me
And count the satellites
Let's be silent
Just for tonight

It's just you and me
in the moonlight
Thank you so much
Now it's good night

When I am really depressed and sad,
I laugh.
I know it's not going to help
But it's a good disguise.
Sometimes I just laugh
Because I know that if I don't
I'm going to break down in endless tears.

You told me you
Couldn't trust anymore
So you locked your heart
And you shut the door
I would knock and
Knock everyday
I waited for a response
Then I walked away
Soon I grew tired
Of trying to earn your trust
Your teardrops on
doorknobs begin to rust
It was pointless to knock
So I just walked in
Your trust in me
Growing more thin

"No more doors
We can have a new start
Now I only have
To unlock your heart"

"But why should I trust
The one that didn't knock?"

*"Because I am the only one
That cares about your lock

Everyone else left
For the same reason I stayed
Because I couldn't bare
To watch you use that blade"

There is something I should tell you
Something you may know
You see, I have this problem
It formed a long time ago
It started when I was 10
A little chubby, a little reserved
I was a victim and a target
I got what I never deserved
With the few friends I had
We started growing apart
For little did they know
I needed a new start
I was done with the torture
The rejection, so I changed
If only I could have seen
This idea was deranged
I starved myself of the food
That caused me so much pain
Little did I know
That things would not change
They still looked at me the same
As a helpless little toy
That they loved to play with
That they had to destroy
Hidding in a skeleton
Was the mess that was made
I lost all hope
I could not be saved
My worst fear was people
For they caused me so much doubt
That I felt the urge to leave
I had to get out
I don't want to grow up anymore
I never expected it to turn out like this
Why does everyone want to hurt me?
Is this what living is?
So many times I have tried
To be more optimistic
But everywhere I go
The people are horrific
He used her, he got me
He cheated and lied
He is in jail
For things he couldn't hide
She hurt me, she was fake
Once she was my only friend
Now she's gone and
Our friendship has met its end
I loved him, he didn't love me
I guess I should have known
His heart belongs to her
And he has her own
Eating makes me sick
I don't get very much sleep
I can't take this any longer
I have fallen way to steep
"I can't drowned my demons
They know how to swim"
My demons are the people
And I have let them win
This problem I am talking about
Not many can suggest
But since I was the age of 10
I have felt depressed

Is it love when I tense up every time he holds me?
Do I call it love when he is inches away from me and all I can think about is holding my breath because I would rather fail at making myself pass out than fail to admit that I do not love him?
I love how straight forward and confident he can be when he wants something enough, but does that mean I love him?
I love how intimidating and controlling he can be sometimes, but I'm not sure I would call that love.
What do I call it when he grabs my neck from behind and kisses me?
Is it love when he touches me, and I have to count down the seconds until I can breathe normally again?
Is it love when he talks about the future we could have, and I cringe?
Do I call it love when he makes me feel defeated and owned?; To feel as though you are obligated to marry someone?
He wants to call it love, but how can I when I picture someone else when we kiss to keep me from running away?
How can I call it love when all I want to do is rip out his heart because I believe he does not know how to use it?
I will not call this LOVE because it is DEFEAT and HOPELESSNESS

I will call this sick
And crazy
And psychotic
Because that is the ONLY explanation for me straining to make this work

If the heart is a time bomb
ticking away
Then keep making the beats skip

What happened to my friend that would hug me every day?
You were the only person that didn't push me away
What happened to that smile
And that laugh happiness used to show?
I miss that smile.. Why did it have to go?
You used to hang out with your friends every chance you had,
You changed and blocked out the world, you always look sad..
I don't know what happened
To the girl that was as happy as could be
But you will always be like a sister to me

I knew that talking to you again
Was a huge mistake
I'm sorry, I don't know
How much more I can take

8:30AM
I think I'm done with poetry guys, I'll see you around.

You let go. Move forward. And yes, sometimes it hurts.

It's where I met my friends
It's where I fell in love
It's where I learned to skate
It's where I go to have fun
The memories I have from this place aren't all great..
It's also the place where I found out I was being cheated on.
Lied to.
Used.
It's where I talked friends out of suicide.
That bathroom has helped me in more ways then you would think.
Those walls and tiles have felt my anger,
That bathroom stall has hidden my tears from the world,
And that mirror has showed me the truth.
The people that work there are my best friends, my friends from school go there too.
They are the people that helped me through hard times,
They are the ones that make my day better, sometimes even my entire week.
When I go there, all of my worries subside for a little bit and I just have fun.
This is the place I go to when I need a break.
A break from my parents,
A break from the drama,
A break from the depression that always finds its way into my life.
These people have hugged me out of love and kindness,
They have made me laugh in my worst moments,
They have given me their trust and I do the same in return.
If you still don't understand why I would love this so much, then let me share something else:

As soon as I walk through the doors I am greeted with smiles and happiness.
They blast music to discise the silence that would normally tear me apart.
My friends are there to make it 10 times better.
As soon as I get on the rink I am free.
I am stuck in an endless circle,
Different from the world outside.
The colorful lights draw my attention away from my worries and makes me happy.

For three hours, I am happy
I am free
I am in a different world
This is why George's roller Inc is my special place

Soft dirt surrounds me like a heavy quilt
The grass and flowers above my head wilt
Why does nobody love me or even care?
They spit on my grave with no pain to bare

Sometimes I wonder
How much you think about me
Because I spend all my minutes
Thinking about what we could be

Pain may be measured on a scale of 1 to 10

But the pain that you have caused me can't be measured

She is a pearl, not fully grown yet.
She hides in her shell away from the predators that only want to rob her of herself.
Over the years she grows, she adapts to the world around her because she knows that once she is done growing she will be something beautiful.
She plays show and tell with the tales of her young depression, the solitary game of hide of seek that she wanted so badly to win but she could never find herself.
The only game she ever wins is the mind game that no one other than herself can figure out.
She is awarded champion for making it into high school, the hell years of her life.
She did it, she made it this far,
And now everyone and everything are at her throat trying to drown her in her self doubt and the misery that a waits when she comes up for air.
She holds her trophy high as if it was supposed to be a beaken of hope repeating to herself "I can do it".
She questions her heart, like her heart is the one teasing her with happiness but we all know it isn't.
She tries so hard to hide herself from everyone who could potentially cause her harm but its impossible, her shell is cracked and everyone has found the opportunity to try to break in.
Her insecurities are scars, heart breaks are bruises, betrayel shows as broken bones, dishonesty are missing teeth for each person who has ever walked out of her life.
...
She plays a game of show and tell with her young depression, like she can point to each scar and say "I was fat", each bruise and repeat "he left me for her", each broken bone, each tooth and her tears will tell you the rest.
She will walk over to her trophy case and sigh because she knows it doesn't give her hope, its just proof showing she could withstand breaking infront of everyone for years.
She is a pearl who grew up the wrong way, she will never be perfect.
She will have dents and cracks and she won't be as strong as she was supposed to be.
But that doesn't matter because only beautiful people show their flaws,
She is still everything beautiful to me.