I
I have
I have a
I have a secret
I have a secret wish
I have a secret wish to
I have a secret wish to leave
I have a secret wish to leave this
I have a secret wish to leave this world
I have a secret wish to leave this world and
                                                             ­      never
                                                         ­                   come
                                       ­                                              back
                                                          ­                                        .

I hope he goes to bed tonight,
knowing that he's loved*
more than anything.

I haven't been this in love since the first time I laid eyes on a cheeseburger.

When I was little,
I used to hate having my door closed,
I would scream and cry
In fear of what the shadows could hold.
I was afraid of a box
Where I’d be held hostage
Caged with a lock
And no key
Back then
That pain was like the sting of a bee.
Now at 17 I realize that I wasn’t afraid of the dark
I was afraid of depression
Making its mark.
I was afraid of the endless battle of trying to fall asleep
Not wanting to wake up
But not wanting to dream.
I was afraid of the hope I would lose in that battle
Afraid of the chains
That made my hollow bones rattle,
Because in the light of a new day
I’d stay inside
“I’m tired” I’d say,
But the truth was much simpler
Than a cheap fix
I am afraid of myself
And I can’t change it.

I ****** up again.

And because I didn't apologize for stating my feelings,

I was left.

Yet again.

By someone who promised to never leave.

So goodbye,

To another person who realized that I'm impossible to love and not good enough.

Things were fine
until I started to feel alone.
Things were fine
until I wasn't needed.
Things were fine
until I was replaced.

I was happy
until I started to feel alone.
I was happy
until he chose a toxic relationship over me.
I was happy
until he replaced me as his best friend.

I was content
until I started to feel alone.
I was content
until I began to feel invisible.
I was content
until I became a waste of space.

I was recovering
until I started to feel alone.
I was recovering
until he tried to validate hurting me.
I was recovering
until he proved I wasn't important anymore.

I was getting over it
until I started to feel alone.
I was getting over it
until I started to feel alone.
I was getting over it
until I started to feel alone.

I WAS GETTING OVER IT
*UNTIL I REALIZED THAT I AM ALONE.

I'm alone.
I have no one.
And no one has me.
Mainly because no one wants me.
No one wants my baggage,
My abandonment issues,
My mental illnesses,
My broken heart,
My need for constant love,
My need for constant attention,
My pathetic excuse for a personality,
My pitiful mannerisms,
My self loathing,
My need for a new home.
No one wants that.
I'm not good enough.
I've tried so hard,
Walked so many miles,
Seen so many therapists,
Taken so many pills,
Exhausted every option.
I just need care.
But until I'm able to heal from things I can't without someone to help,
No one will help.
Isn't that pathetic?
So I just sit,
Alone,
Knees clutched to my chest,
Sobbing,
Trying to forget the pain
That losing one person caused me,
And trying to convince myself
"I'm fine"
When clearly,
I will never be fine.

We both have blonde hair and blue eyes,
and we hate our lives!

Please,
Please,
For the love of God and my self esteem,
Do not
Under any circumstances
Compare me to another girl.

You see when you do this
My heart sinks.
My chest gets tight.
My through clenched.
My eyes sting.
My gut feels like it was struck by a first.
And my self confidence
Is nonexistent.

It doesn't matter who you are
Who she is
Or what my relationship to either of you is.
Just don't do it.
Being told that someone is better than me in any way
And that I am not good enough to be equals with them
Leaves me broken
And more depressed
Then you'd expect.

She
May be a better singer;
She
May be prettier;
She
May have enough to be perfect to someone.

Me?
I feel worthless
24/7.
And knowing that someone
Thinks less of me when compared to someone else,
Imagine
How you would feel
Knowing
That you are not ever going to see yourself excel in that area
Ever
Again.

So please,
Please,
For the love of God and my self esteem,
Do NOT
Under ANY circumstances
Compare me to another girl.

Thank you,
Insecure and pitiful

I wish he'd write a poem about me.
There's a millions of people who might,
but he's the only one I want to.
Why?
I don't know..
Maybe I like him,
maybe I'm just pathetic.
Maybe I'm just lonely.
Maybe he's the only guy who's been kind to me.
Maybe I just get too jealous.
I think I'm special,
but I'm really not.
Whoever he's in love with,
I hope she's better for him than I'd ever be.
I'm just too jealous of a person.
I just want someone to love me.




*I'm so pathetic

"And the ****** who hurt you physically is a *******"
-Star Gazer, poet

"Think about it, we have each other and all she has is her rage."*

Because one can't simply be happy in this world without there being people to try to tear them down.

"Invisibility is a curse, not a superpower."

You knew how it would affect me and my relationship and you still did it.

I'll have wounds that can never heal because you chose to let it happen.

Was your own heartbreak not enough? Why did you want me to hurt too? What did I do to deserve this? I did nothing but care for and support you and help you.

You are both to blame but still, you messaged him first.
You didn't shut it down when you knew how much it would hurt me.

You're a bad friend.

You are a beast,
a monster,
an evil soul,
with an ugly vendetta
and a heart of stone.

You play games with people's minds,
use them like pawns in your world,
but the thing you don"t realize is
I'm not just an ordinary girl.

I'm strong and powerful,
brave and mighty.
My heart is gold,
my soul
beaming.

I am your undoing.
The end to your games.
I stand against you,
my army behind me.
Countless soldiers
ready for battle.

You can't win against us;
our cause is just,
to strike down the evil,
the monster
the beast.

And the beast,
my dear,
is you.

For the girl who makes me wish I had a sister like her,
don't let them break you or stand in your way.
They need you and love you,
no matter what your stepmom might say.
I know my opinion is not desired,
but I know better than anyone,
those little ones need you.
So **** what she says and don't back down.
You're strong and brave,
a fighter, a lover,
a hero,
a sister.
And that's worth fighting for.

Sorry.
I wasn't good enough.
I never will be.
Maybe next time,
learn how to cut a rope.
The pain of falling
To an immident death
hurts much less
than
holding on to a rope made of barbed wire
for months,
while you dance around
and prove that I wasn't good enough for you.
Sorry I'm not perfect to you.
Sorry I wasn't worth it.
I tried.
You gave nothing I return but a simple meaningless title.
"Good friend".
That just makes it more pathetic.
We were in love you *******.
I let you walk
all over
my broken
aching
body
and recived
nothing
in return
but abandonment.

Fragile conscious, forgotten dreams of love,
I was alone, wondering, hopeless, small,
Lonely and outcast, I, a flightless dove,
Cautious, afraid of letting myself fall.
My life was a series of blacks and whites,
Not a soul there to warm my untouched heart,
Then, he appeared and his eyes; what a sight,
Now, we can barely stand to be apart.
He showed me what love is and to this day,
Nothing in the world can match this feeling,
His love is true no matter what they say,
We will be together and not stop loving.
Our future is a promise together,
True love lasts, against the world forever.

Of all the times to be alive,
why did it have to be now?

I see things in the clouds,
pretty things,
scary things,
sometimes just shapes and fluff.
I feel things becasue of the clouds,
weightlessness,
lightheartedness,
sometimes just nothing.
I think about things because of the clouds,
flying far away,
how lovely that would be,
sometimes just mesmerized into sleep.

"I love you"'s whispered through phone receivers,
Gave hope for another day.
We did this dance around each other's heads,
As sweet nothings played to the sound of our song.
He and I,
content.
Happiness had never been my strongest emotion,
until I found him.
No feeling could match the one he gives me,
like being right where I belong.
It is at moments like this,
that I know,
without a doubt in my heart,
that he is the one for me.

Something about you,
makes my heart flutter.
I don't know why,
and I don't know how,
I managed to fall.
But I did.
And now,
I can't stop thinking about you.
Your goofy smile,
your sandy hair,
your stupid jokes,
and your banter with me.
These things built up
the foundation
of a crush.
But graduation is in less than two months.
Then,
you may be gone forever.

I miss you.
I've missed you every day.
I wish you weren't so stupid.
I wish I wasn't so dumb.
I wish we could be happy.
I wish you were still my fork.

Trying to describe your depression to someone is like trying to describe a color to someone who has been blind their whole life.

Rain
rain
rain
rain
rain
ease our souls and bring us peace
be the trickling down of life to this place.
No words to ease where a war rages.
The quiet is violent.
The world is at standstill silence.
Rain*
*to relieve this famine,
pour from the heavens and bring us peace.

Be brave, my love.

**Your dearest,
Victoria

Rain drop
Drop top
I'm Rick Harrison and this is my pawn shop

I only have two friends in this world.

Jesse and Christina.

I pray for them everyday.

All they rest have gone away.

Because I'm tired of all the lying.

I'm tired of all the drama.

I just want to be happy.

Is that such a problem?

Apparently.

Your ego
is about
as fragile
as glass.
And
I'd rather
cut myself
on the shards
than piece it
back
together.
And
I may be
"crazy"
but
at least
I'm not
you.

LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

I'm happier,
I promise.
I'm doing better,
okay?
You don't have to this,
please.
I'm sorry that I'm hurting,
and I know,
you are too.
But what I don't understand,
is what I mean to you.
You say I'm your best friend,
but you don't act like it.
That night we hung out,
you made me feel things again,
and as much as I hated that,
I loved it all the same.
I'm happier,
I promise.
Now that you're not sad,
even though,
it hurts me,
I love seeing you smile again.
I care about you,
in more ways than one.
I can't escape it,
I wish I could.
Believe me,
I wish I could.
I'm happier,
I promise.
Even though I'm lying,
I know it's what you want to hear,
so I'll just fake it.

"I never really liked blue eyes,
but her's,
                           god,
the way they reflect the sunlight,
the way they sparkle in the dark,
the way they gaze into mine.
She has guided me through
one of the darkest times of my life.
She is the light of my life.
She has stood behind me
throughout this all.
Refusing to back down.
She loves me and
god
do I love her.
If only I could tell the world,
                         she's mine.
I could hold her hand in public,
I could kiss her in front of others,
I could run away wit her,
we could finally be free.
But,
until then,
we'l just have to wait.
After all,
two years
isn't that far away."

"Hi"
*That voice,
that one simple word,
it sends my heart into a frenzy,
leaves me sighing of happiness,
fills me with the warmth
of a calm
inferno.
It was my after school tradition,
make myself fall for him again.
His dad was usually home by 2pm,
but we almost always go lucky.
I wouldn't trade that time
for anything.
We could go hours,
just relying on the sounds of out voices,
chatting away through the silence of our homes.
Never once have we or will we become bored of one another.
That's what we love best.

I miss him.
I miss the way he kissed me.
I miss the way he would hold me.
I miss the way he smiled at me.
The way he looked into my eyes.
How he made me feel content.
I miss how he'd joke about my tiny hands.
I miss the scent of him on my pillow.
I miss the love he gave me,
and how he showed it.
He's all I want and need,
so I miss him.
And I don't regret it.

His love is like a drug shot into empty veins,
His eyes intoxicate and paralyze,
Our hushed voices whispering confession of love,
We are as children giggling into the night,
Each other’s shirts grasped gently in loving hands.

He fueled my fire of love left unattended,
He gives new meaning to the word “home”,
His arms an embrace of purity and warmth,
My fingers comb through his hair when panic attacks strike,
We take care of each other like family as we will be.

I never felt this rhythm to my heart,
My pulse beats with promise of a future with this man,
Our fates intertwined as our hands on a calm summer night.
He is mine.
I am his.

Thump,
           thump,
                    thump,
           the soft,
steady
           beat
                      of a drum.
                                 Calm,
                                            gentle
                                 measured,
                      exhales.
Deep
           throbbing,
                      rhythmic
                                 perfect.
                      Consistent
                      rise
           and fall,
the intake
           of August air,
release
           of pain
and grief.

Thump,
             thump,
                         thump,
            faltered
        breath
          painful
              inhales
                 but still
                                                         ­        life.
It’s
            my
                  only
comfort.
                          
   ­                      Just
          making
                         sure
                                 he’s
                                                     still
                                     alive.

      I couldn’t
                  imagine
                       never
                 hearing
that

               heartbeat
          ever


  *again.

I love when people,
think they can do no wrong.
Think they're in charge,
of everyone else's fate.
Hurt just feel
a sense of superiority.
But,
you see,
when you play with fire,
you will get burned.
And if you play with a rose,
you will get the thorns.

Love is the green in his eyes.

It smells like         his shirt                     I keep for comfort.
It sounds like      his steady heartbeat          under my ear.
It feels like         his hand                     intertwined with mine.
It tastes like       his kiss                        after three weeks apart.
It looks like              a bright future        ahead of us.

Love is an unbreakable bond.

Ignorablity is by far my best quality.
I could be in a room full of people,
Screaming in pain or sobbing like a baby,
And still be ignored.
I'm practically invisible
Sometimes it's good,
But mostly
It's a curse.
I've been crying every day this week,
But unsurprisingly,
No one has bothered to ask me why.
I'm slowly crumbling into myself,
Dying,
Alone,
Afraid,
Starving for care.
Yet,
Unsurprisingly
No one
Was
There.

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go