"Tell me how much"*

I love you like you strung the stars in the sky, just for me, because I swear you did.

I'm getting married in October.
I'm going to get married October 3rd, 2020.
I'm getting married in October.
I'm going to walk down the aisle in a white gown I picked.  
I'm getting married in October.
I'm going to walk myself because I'm not an object to be "handed off".
I'm getting married in October.
I'm going to get closer and closer but yet it feels so far away.
I'm getting married in October.
I'm going to see eyes on me I only wished would have given me that much attention growing up.
I'm getting married in October.
I'm going to vow to the man I love that I will "always be with You".
I'm getting married in October.
I'm going to cry because life feels like its moving so fast yet the moment's pass so slow.
I'm getting married in October.
I'm going to pray that people care enough to come.
I'm getting married in October.
I'm going to hope his family accepts me without a second thought.
I'm getting married in October.
I'm going to convince myself that "I'm strong enough" to hold it together.
I'm getting married in October.
I'm going to marry the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.
I'm getting married in October.
"I'm going to be his wife."
I'm getting married in October.
I'm getting married.

.

because the touch of your skin is forever my favorite sensation,
your eyes are my favorite shade of lonely,
the beat of your heart is my favorite base line,
my favorite melody is the one your vocal cords carry.
I miss you,
because your warmth is my favorite temperature,
your face is my favorite sculpture,
the way you walk is my favorite dance,
my favorite flavor is the taste of your kiss.
I miss you,
because your smile is my favorite drug,
your laughter is my favorite song,
the color of you hair is my favorite shade of mysterious,
my favorite scent is yours.
I miss you,
because your love is the only one that was true,
your intentions were the only one's that were pure,
the way you looked at me could not be faked,
my heart was yours,
and yours was mine.

Until next time,
*the one who love you more than anything

Do you think Mark is okay? I'm scared. He's all alone and he has no one there for him and to hold and tell him that he's going to be okay. I'm so scared, Sean. People who've gotten the chance to see him out say that he looks terrible and like a zombie. He has literally no one. I hate not being able to do anything...

I'm so sorry, Button. I know you're hurting but...I don't know how to help you. The situation is beyond both of your controls at this point. Just stay strong. If not for yourself, for him. What was the last thing he said to you?

"WHY IS SHE TALKING TO ME I DON'T UNDERSTAND???"

Okay....what was the last thing he SAID to you?

"I love you, Victoria."

Then have faith in that. Believe that he loves you.

But he doesn't.

He does.

You don't know that.

But I do. He loved you then and he loves you now. Don't give up on him. There's still a chance.

Okay..*

So what else happened today?
........................................................­

I will never give up on you.
No matter how hard the tide pushes,
no matter how strong the wind may blow,
I will stand with you,
strong and tall.
You,
are afraid and brave.
I,
am terrified and resilient.
Together,
we are in love.
Together,
we will overcome.
Together,
we are one.
Nor hell or high water,
will tear us apart.

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face,
I didn't know what it meant so I just hid it away.
That's my problem,
you see,
whenever the sun shines,
I hide in fear,
that's my sin.
I
don't really know what I'm fight'n for,
but I do know it's important so I implore
myself to get up,
wipe away the tears,
forget the grinding gears
in my soul.
I know it's hard to comprehend
the things I've been through
but ya gotta understand,
I'm just 17 and I've seen the worst of life,
been kicked down every time I tried to fight.
I can't win,
I can't lose,
'cause I got nothin' left,
just me,
myself,
and I will never forget,
how I fought those battles,
broke down those walls,
stood up and braced the impact
of every fall.
I'm strong but I'm weak in way you can't understand,
I work hard so I don't have to see it again,
that world I was brought in,
the pain I saw,
the and I will never forget.
This is my fight song.

There is not a sign on my back saying "kick me".
Therefore there is no invitation to do so.
What about that is so hard to understand?
The world will probably never know.
We let others play their games and
Maybe when they've grown up,
The might feel the same pain they put us through.

How I learned to deal with bullies:

Let them have their laugh.

Then laugh about the stupid things they say and do later because you got screenshots of all that **** for the cops. xD

A lonely melody played in slow motion,
flashbacks of laughter and words unspoken,
a haunting memory of hearts being broken,
I am a fish swimming in my own ocean,
fists tightened and heart ready for devotion,
with that lonely melody tearing me open,
veins of fire with loves potion,
a boy and a girl and a life chosen,
you can't contain the purest emotion,
a lonely melody will always been golden,
once the course is set and guns are loaded,
love cannot be destroyed or mearly stolen,
it is the one true token,
so hold fast to your love and cherish the moment,
after all that lonely melody can turn to a poem.

You'd think after 2 years,
the feelings would be gone.
You'd think after all of the pain,
I'd be able to forget.
But my heart is still attached.
You got the biggest piece of me I could offer,
and you treasured it,
but you were hurting and lost,
didn't know what to do.
But you loved me.
Truely.
You did.
You gave me what you could.
You tried to make me happy.
But you were damaged
and so was I.
So I hope,
after all this time,
we can find our love again.
Because my love don't die easy.

Maybe I shouldn't have been his girlfriend.
Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so attached to the way he held me.
Maybe I shouldn't have been so needy for affection.
Maybe I shouldn't have got so jealous of his girl friends.
Maybe I shouldn't have told him every time I was sad.
Maybe I shouldn't have been so dependent.
Maybe I shouldn't have felt like I should be a priority.
Maybe I shouldn't have insisted on spending so much time with him.
Maybe I shouldn't have expected so much.
Maybe I shouldn't have wanted more than he would give.
Maybe I shouldn't have asked for everything.
Maybe I shouldn't have compared myself to his ex.
Maybe I shouldn't have compared him to mine.
Maybe I shouldn't have pushed so much.
Maybe I shouldn't have pursued him.
Maybe I shouldn't have said yes.
Maybe I shouldn't have let him go.
Maybe I shouldn't have said hello.

I spoke your name like a prayer,
and you sang mine like it was your favorite song.
I loved you like puppy loves her person,
and you loved me like star in the night.
We were torn and broken,
lost and hurt.
I will always be with You.
You will always be with Me.
No matter what happens,
how far apart we are,
we will always have each other.
And that's true love,
isn't it?

Michael?


Well, he's..


mysterious,

indecisive,

distant,

unattached,

col­d,

dark,

mean,

                                            ­                                         *but only on the surface.
Caring,

kind,

loving,

committed,

protective,

sw­eet,

gentle,

respectful,

                                  ­                      *He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

There was a certain air to the night, that reminded me too much of you.

I wasn't sure if it was your cologne or just a warmth within the winds.

Maybe it was the coldness of your empty side of the bed.

Or the weightlessness of my empty hands without yours in them.

Memories of you were inescapable. Everything about you lingered in the air.

My life
Is like
A mosaic.

Shattered pieces
Fit together,
In hopes
To look
Beautiful.

I never imagined I'd meet someone like you

Lost but present
Open but secluded
Valiant but shy
Energetic but calm

Young and bright
Optimistic and kind
Utterly amazing

If someone is gay,
Don't relentlessly pursue them.
You seem to miss the point,
They don't like your gender that way.
So please leave them be,
They doesn't deserve this from you.
Just because they're nice,
And you think they're cute,
And you like them,
You seem to think you can get whatever you want.
Please don't put that on them.
They have no need for pointless drama and lies from you.
They're not stupid.
They know the truth.
So it's best to save yourself the trouble of changing something you can't,
Just because you can manipulate others,
Doesn't mean the same can happen with sexuality.

Silent dreams are dissolved away,
stirred awake by unrecognizable reality,
and my head on the pillow rests at home, and the vacant midnight passes,

This house knows all too well,
how to be dark and the forest remembered how to be mysterious,
as the
tap!
tap!
tap!
of wicked tree branches whipping at my window.

Almost breathing the raw, agonizing air,
lungs shriveled with fear.

I walk in blackness and I stumble and fall
as a way to escape
but not succeeding.

My brain has chemical imbalance
held inside a ceramic palace
The fabrication of lies
and blankness behind the eyes,
with bloodstains on my body,
assault is my hobby.
Not on others you see,
just on 'lil ol' me.
And hunger isn’t a concern,
I want my body to burn.
My own pulse drives me insane,
I’d rather devoured by pain.
You’d think I’d wish the reverse,
but I love it, and that’s my curse.

"Slay the beast! Salty, sassy and saucy."

-Lindsay the only person who slays better than me

"Goodnight, I love you.
I always will."

This moment,
one of many,
so, so many.
Feeling surfacing,
hearts syncing.
Laughter
harmonizing,
our favorite melody.
Songs of "I love you"'s
playing over
and over.
The fireworks
literally and
figuratively,
lit up
our world.
We spent that day
and many others
                                                           *together.

Contrary to popular belief,
depression is the best pain killer there is.
It forces itself down your throat,
and canon-***** into your stomach.
Ripples chills throughout your body,
that's when you know it's starting to work.
It pulses through your veins,
numbness radiating through you.
Soon,
there is no pain.
It will consume you until there is nothing left,
just the hollow shell
of a once
happy
girl.

You were just a voice at first,
a melody I had never heard
that graced my ears.
I knew your name,
I knew your voice,
and I knew your laugh.
What I didn't know
was your face.
I had never met your tall frame.
I had never met your piercing blue eyes.
I had never met the vibrant light you brought to a room.
But once I did,
my whole world felt different.
Sure,
Luke was still in my heart,
But you,
you clouded my head.
I severed as many ties with him as I could,
not knowing it would lead me to you.
Prom was an idea to spite him.
The thought of taking his best friend to something so special,
it filled me with excitement.
But it was weeks later
when I realized,
it wasn't to spite him.
It was to spend time with you.
That's why I had my party;
invited you and the boys over,
so I could have you around me.
So I could make you smile.
Make you laugh.
That's all I want to do,
make you happy.
I wouldn't say I'm in love,
just
intrigued.

And I knew then,
if I dared let the poison of love consume my being,
I would never be able to recover.
And yet,
I let it happen.
And I wish I regretted it,
but I don't think I ever will.

The world is full of things I hate,
things I could much rather live without.
When people are rude to their parents,
when people complain about their hardships but do nothing to overcome them,
when people **** shame girls for the same things guys are praised for,
when I get told something about me is wrong when I can't help it,
when people project their problems onto those who do nothing to deserve the suffering,
when I'm harassed for even existing,
when people lie when they know the other person knows the truth,
when I come home to drug and alcohol use by someone I have no authority over,
when I have nightmares so vivid, I can't tell what's reality anymore,
when people try to control other people's lives,
when I can't even get out of bed without wishing I was dead,
when I accidentally rhyme,
when I can't even be happy on my Prom night because my depression prevents any kind of happiness from truly being my emotion,
when I can't stop shaking at Post Prom because my anxiety is killing me and I hate feeling alone when I'm surrounded by people who love me.
I hate this.
I hate you.
I hate them.
I hate myself.

Recently, my awake feels faker than my dreams.
I can't help but scream.
It's killing me,
this pain I feel.
I'm trying to distract myself from what I perceive as real.
It's impossible to heal.
This cycle I'm in tears me to shreds.
Honestly, I'd be better off dead,
so I just stay in bed.
Pretending that the pain is gone
and you're still there singing me that stupid song.
It's been too long.
The heart can only take so much before it shatters.
Not that it really matters,
the pieces are too scattered.
The shards are too sharp to put back together and I don't know why.
I'd honestly rather die.
Waking up makes me want to cry.
Dreams are too much for my heart to take
because seeing your face feels fake.
But it was a decision my soul had to make,
to forget you
and all my tears fall like dew
when I think of all we had been through.
It hurts.
Maybe I'll find you again on my search,
and for what it's worth,

**I loved you.

There is a feeling I love.
A feeling I can't deny is my favorite.
Some may call it dangerous,
some,
may call it childish.
By I,
can't help
how much
I love it.

Mark,
You are a cute *** *******.
Unlike any guy I've ever had the slightest bit of interest in, I don't freak the **** out when I see you or when I talk to you.
You're kind and gentle and goofy and I don't see anything wrong with you.
You would think that having a lot of problems of my own would make me feel the need to invalidate yours but in actuality, when something is wrong, I will do whatever I can to help you. Even if it means dealing with not talking to you for a while. Yes, it does make me sad and yes, I do hate it. But it's what I need to do.
I'll never feel safer in my entire life when I'm in your arms.
This is the most complicated situation that I've ever had to deal with. But I love it.
I don't care if my stepdad doesn't like you and doesn't want us o see each other.
I don't care if my mom hate me taking pictures with you. She doesn't understand what it's like.
No one does.
I don't care if we can't necessarily be out in public too much because of the situation.
I don't care if I'm being threatened or people hate me.
The people who really care about me are there to protect me. And they will debunk any rumors that anyone tries to spread.
No one is going to believe that I had *** with you.
I've never been that kind of girl.
Even when I had my little thing with Sean and he started to talk about it, I laughed and ignored it.
I've never been in a relationship before and I'm not about to get all caught up in my first one.
I'm better than that.
I don't look down on people who do.
It's just not in my personality and I have too much self respect to let myself fall into that.
Plus, you're already in enough trouble.
You're not dumb enough to purposefully get into more.
Anyways, as I was saying.
It's only going to be difficult for a little while.
But if we can survive through this, I don't see why our relationship would turn to **** anytime soon after I graduate.
I'm one of those kinds of people who loves to plan ahead and fantasize about my life after high school.
I can't take everything by the day.
I find it extremely hard to live in the moment because moments don't last forever.
And the faster they go by, the sooner I'm living my life how I want to live it.
The only time that my heart makes me live in the moment, is when I'm with you, because there are so few. And a lot of that is my fault. I should have been more careful. I should have deleted messages more often and made sure to get rid of any evidence.
I'm sorry. If I could go back and change what I messed up on, I would.
I want nothing more than to restart this whole entire year.
I ****** up so much and I can't blame anyone but myself for how ****** things are.
I guess I just have to deal with it.
But what ***** is that because of me and my irresponsibility, you have to suffer.
I'm so sorry.
Every night I go to sleep afraid that the next morning you're going to wake up and realize that you don't need me.
That's the thing I'm most afraid of.
It's happened so many times and I don't want to have to suffer through another heartbreak.
I can't not have you in my life.
Contrary to what everyone thinks, you're the best thing in my life.
All you did was love me and let me love you and that wasn't wrong.

You are the sweetest guy I have ever met.

You know all the right things to say,
you shower me with compliments,
make me laugh when I feel like crying.
You never cease to amaze me,
with your beautiful way with words.
Each line you text me,
a breath of poetry.
Your heart is an ocean of gold,
with nothing but kindness in it.
You chivalry is unmatched,
by the other guys I'm used to.
I cannot imagine a day without your words,
sending pangs of happiness up my spine.
I'd love to thank you
a million times each day,
but the time zones won't allow that.
One day I hope to meet you,
have that dinner we talked about.
See your smile in person.
Trace my fingers over your tattoos.
Hear your laugh when listening to my stories
of American high school.
We could stay up all night,
swapping stories in the dark.
Sit in the field near my house,
just gazing at the stars.

*Pun intended

I've been kicked around,
that's a fact.
I've fallen down,
but I've come back.
I've stood tall,
through all the ****.
I've broke a couple falls,
and taken some hits.
I've had to crawl,
to find my grit.
I've been stayin' alive,
so I can fight.
I've had to strive,
to make it through the night.
I've learned to use my drive,
to see my own light.
I've found a way to thrive,
without ruining someone's life.

So to those who a still fighting,
don't give up,
stay strong,
don't let them bring you down,
you are powerful,
and you can make it through anything.

-V

The first time I met you
you were a stranger I desperately wanted to know.
A voice that carried and a face I searched for while performing.
"Who are you?"
"Apprentice sound tech and lights guy"
I had never seen you before.
New?
Freshman.
My heart lept.
You didn't look like a freshman.
You didn't act like a freshman.
You didn't carry yourself like a freshman.
You were different.
You were new.
You were sweet.
We messed around a bit before rehearsal,
theater became something I looked forward to
instead of dreading.
After each performance
I realized
I no longer would have an excuse
no opportunity to talk with you.
I had
no number,
no Snapchat username,
no Instagram handle,
no Facebook info.

Kylee was my savior;
let me steal your Snapchat from her.
You added me back later that day.
Facebook friends.
Found your Instagram.
Sent a snap of me making a pun.
You laughed,
thanked me for the cupcake
I brought just for you,
since you tried to steal mine the previous day.
We talked for hours.
Exchanged Skype names.

Now I love you and I can't get out.
I don't want to.
I know I'll get hurt
but the high
you give me
is too good to pass up.

Strength is the ability to stare fear in the face,
*and smile at it.

As we drove down ES,
20 minutes away from "goodbye",
The Weekend was blasting,
I received a text.
"What now?"
You asked.
"It's Emilie."
I replied.
I read her question aloud and sighed.
"Baby?"
"I'm sorry,"
My voice is shaky and I know what you're going to say.
"I love you."
And at that moment,
My favorite lyrics play.
And you sing along as if replying to my confession of love.
"I think we need to take a break."
A sob ripples through me,
You ease on the breaks,
And pull over.
You take me in your arms,
Stubble pressed to my forehead.
We sit there for a while,
Silent except for my sobs.
"I'm afraid all of this 'Mark' stuff has really impacted how your friends trust you."
"I'm sorry,"
I choke out once more,
"I love you."
I love you.
*And this won't change that.
I will always be with You.
I love you.
I'm sorry.

Falling*

                          That’s the sensation.

                                                     ­             You don’t feel the *pain
                                                          ­                            or hear a slowing heartbeat.

You see
lights,
pretty
little
fairy
lights.

You start to


remember


all of the

things
you
lost.
The
places
­ you
hid
and
how
to


escape.


You
want
it
to
just
                                                          ­ end.
Maybe
you’ll
finally
find
what
was
always
missing.
Maybe
you
won’t.
Maybe
you
will.
You
may
never
ever
know.




You have formed
a suicide pact
                                                            ­                          *for one.

I forgot what it felt like
To be burned
The familiar sting of sensitive skin brushed against fabric
All too real for me.
I wonder if she, too, felt pain like this.
Days spent basking in the sun on summer days,
While cancer scrawled upon her skin like a signature.
Sometimes I think she knew what she was doing,
Laying there,
Letting herself be killed,
Slowly,
But surely.
I hope she sees me,
Walking with friends.
Hundreds of us,
Marching for racial equality.
Would she have scoffed at the idea?
Or scolded me for not protecting my delicate shield?
Say,
“Your heart may armor your conviction,
But it does nothing for your ivory skin”?
But I know,
The lace on my wedding dress may hurt now,
But I will heal.
I cannot say the same for my brothers and sisters of color.
I will not let them lay there,
And be killed.

Piece by piece,
I gather myself up.
I'm shattered.
But the shards of my heart
are too sharp for putting back together.
But I'll recover when hell freezes over
and the dead come home.
I'm lost, afraid
ying to escape these walls.
Trapped
somewhere I know nothing of
and as if it's that simple to leave,
why don't I?
Alyssa?
Jordan?
Molly?
Emilie?
Tyler?
Sean?
Jesse?
Mark?
No..
I have to survive through this war I've been fighting.
Depression never quits.
And neither
will
I.