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SemiHiatus Nov 2020
Ohh wow congratulations,
Finally, you are engaged with your one and only!
Noice!! Naah I’m not feeling anything,
Or maybe I am, I don’t know why my heart is heavy, I was knowing this from the very start, but it’s just I am not feeling good enough to feel anything!

Because I was waiting for you to realize that we can be back with each other! And hoping you to realize that you are losing someone who truly loves you and will never leave your side.

But you hit me with a shock of your engagement picture, but it has been only a year since we broke up and, you moved on so quick. How is that possible? I will never forget that day.... that hell of the day 16th Nov 2019! We broke up...! and, exactly one year, you are engaged with the girl I hate most, The girl for whom you cheated on me or, you cheated her, for me. Haha, I don’t know what is more accurate. Funny!

It’s not like I’m jealous or something, but you wished me in Diwali just two days ago and talked to me like nothing had happened, Saying “I was waiting for your message" what the hell do you want from me? Am I a toy to you? When you feel like tearing my innocent heart you do without any hesitation. You always do this to me, always messaging and showing love and care to me when you don't even know how I am doing, or how my mental state is. you always did things as per your, please.

I never complained anything to you because, at some point in my life, I loved you more than myself and also don’t want you to pity me for loving you this much..!!

But, today ill say my heart out and, I'll ask my heart out! They say people do silly things when they are in love and, so I. I don’t wanna say but, now they term it as using someone’s kindness for nothing and I did things which I’ll never do for myself and, in exchange What the hell you did to me? Did you ever thought of me as your girl? Did you ever loved me, even for a couple of seconds? or ever wondered what the **** I was to you? Just tell me honestly!

I am done with lies .. so please, at least today, tell me the truth. I must know the truth!

I don’t have any regret to be part of your life, and I promise I will not complain a thing, and BTW to whom you think I will complain? You already know... I had only one or at least a myth of having one..!! And that one is no more mine. Or never was Haha..!! So much confusion!

Lots of mixed feelings are hitting me up! And even I am unable to write this **** on blank paper! What I’m gonna do with this ******* life when I don’t have enough guts!

I know, I wasn’t this miserable any before! We were never at the same level, we had differences too like other couples but, somehow we managed everything up. And, I still don’t know where and when we started partying ways... I don’t know what I did wrong to make you find someone else to fill that gap. But now I don’t know what I am, who I am! maybe it would have different if you had told me it on your own rather than finding things like this, today, and also one year ago.

I can’t trust anybody anymore, and you are the reason! It’s still unbelievable you, you did this to me!

To be honest, I still can’t believe that you are already someone else’s, while I’m still struggling with my feelings! People think I am too slow but, I know, I don’t want to forget you and our memories, how happy we were with each other but, now it’s confusing, I can’t believe things have gone too far this early.  I never said to you but, I was too fast to dream about our future life of being together, happily ever after!

so it's hurting! just that!

And now there is not a single reason for being ***** like hell. I am tired of being a good ex-girlfriend turned into a good close friend. So today, finally, I am saying goodbye to you and my feelings. It’s heavy and, I can’t lift that weight! And Yes, one more thing..!! Please tell your friends to stop seeing me as a matter of gossip. I was thankful for their support in our hard times but, now you had made me pity object so, they check on me just to get entertained by my feelings, which is just not acceptable.

So, goodbye!
I don't know what I have written and I haven't checked the other errors because I don't have the guts to check this draft again but, I am writing this here just to get rid of my feelings and nothing else, as I can't send it to my ex or any other person. I was feeling miserable so I just wrote it down without any second thought!
spacewtchhh Jul 2020
I'm not gonna ask why.
But maybe you're also looking for a way for you to see each other. Maybe it's not just his actions that showed he misses you. Maybe you wanted him, too.
You already know it's a fill-in pleasure. When there's a chance to meet, you will take it. You steal moments that shouldn't be. But never think about the one that is always there for you. The one who is waiting for you to come home and show you love unconditionally. He doesn' t have an idea how you've lied about those stolen moments with someone who just steal moments too.
I hope you'll feel his heart breaking every time your lips touch your other man's lips. I hope you'll hear his crying every time you push those legs on your other man's body. I hope you'll see his ocean of tears every time you let the other man swim unto you.
I know you' ll part ways soon, but I hope you' ll know that you are already ruining his future relationship with your infidelity.
I adore you, but as a friend, I sometimes can't endure you.
It's been months since I last wrote here. But here, I couldn't tell this to my friend bc she doesn't listen anymore. I want to help her, but the only help I could give her now is respect her decisions.
fray narte Aug 2019
today, i will wake up and think of you. the first thing will be about how your eyes had the color of all the storms that left this year. next will be your hair, in flaming red, as if to make up for all the colors your heart has been drained of for loving me. then, i will think of the way i wrote you poems amid writer’s block; every line, a compulsion, an obsession of i love you's rephrased. i will think of the feel of your skin, cold, but burning, like mercury fires crashing to the poles.

then, i will remember the chipped nails and back scratches and the heat of the whiskey, rushing from your mouth to mine. i will remember october and her rooftop letters we sealed with the skyline's silhouette. i will remember how they have become a foliage of words i refused to stop writing — and words you refused to read. i will remember how we wished to be paper cranes flung to the sun, how i have become icarus incarnate, falling, and crashing back to the earth. today, i will wake up and remember how loving you became my flight and my downfall. i will let the pain eat me up, rip my lungs, one flashback at a time. i will let the pain break me and break me and break me until there's nothing left to break.

and then one day, i will wake up darling, without sleeping next to make-believe alternate endings, without addressing you in apostrophes, and without the storms tailored to be metaphors for you. one day, i will wake up without wondering if you were ever hurt the way i was. i will wake up without thinking of you. i will wake up without the slightest traces of pain.

and then i will let you go.
fray narte Aug 2019
I wish you told me that wounding my knees was a part of the joy and that my hair already looked perfect in waves, and that bedtime stories weren't lame. I wish you told me these when I was a kid, instead of giving me the cliche ******* — those spilled stories over spilled beers about how you were forced to marry Mom instead of that girl named Beth.

We were caught in a story, the one with that school money thoughtlessly flung on the floor, road trips arguments and drunk-driving over eighty, and nonexistent goodnight kisses and hugs. As a kid, I believed those were the indicators of affection and love. But they're not and had I known that earlier, I wouldn't have stayed with someone who walked all over my mental health
with someone who took me on a desk and spit knives in his drunken slurs,
with someone who dialed another girl's number while thinking I was asleep,
with someone who only dialed my number while he thought his girl was asleep,
with someone who faded in the curtains after he saw my razored wrists,
with someone who said I was his ***** and called it his idea of love.
Had I known it earlier, I wouldn't have trusted men who hurt me just as you had. Had I known it earlier, I wouldn't have stayed with someone who had a ****** up notion of what love was. Had I known it earlier, I wouldn't have stayed with someone who was exactly like you.

Dad, had I known earlier that abuse wasn't supposed to be confused with love, I would have stayed alone.
fray narte Jul 2019
our falling apart isn’t like having heartbreak lines sitting on my chest, waiting to be written when i wake up and realize you’re gone. it isn’t like sinking into the absence of your coffee-scented lips on my temple, or walking into a dust storm caught in the sunbeams in your room. it isn’t like those cold, two a.m. nights where you find yourself singing stay with derek sanders and breaking down into a puddle of unbearable pain, hoping that each guitar strum will take you away from our memories.

no, our falling apart isn’t like that. it isn’t immaculate.

it isn’t an indie-film-kinda-heartbreak, nor is it poetic.

you see, we fell apart simply because you loved me — you loved me so ******* much, darling.

and i wasn’t quite sure what to do with it.
fray narte Jun 2019
dad
you always ask why i always stay in my room, in that voice that always made me feel small and vulnerable — the one that always made me feel like a five-year-old girl wishing that the blankets and the stars will hush the thunders.

you always ask why, dad, and yet you always find ways to hurt me the moment i come out of this four-walled shell, ashen and gray from all the storm clouds circling over my head. you always find ways to spot the cracks on my skin, like i was just another wall in this crumbling house. you always find ways lasso your words around my throat — tighter and tighter, i can no longer breathe. you always find ways to unhinge my mind; to unbottle all the tears and all the loose pieces of my heart hastily stitched out of place.

dad, i am caught in a trojan war brewed by my demons, and you are paris, piercing all of my achilles heels; stitched; tender; still healing from all the poisoned arrows you shoot — a year ago. two years ago. three. four. and for years and years, you always find ways to crush me, like the cans of your empty beer. you always find ways to crack and snap this bent framework; my bones are broken from the weight of your words. you always find ways to hurt me and hurt me and hurt me and hurt me again — like i was never the little girl you played dolls and cooking sets with; like i was never the little girl you watched disney movies with. like i was never the little girl you used to love — dad, i am still she, now trapped in the body of an adult. i am still she, now trapped in the prison of a dusty room you unknowingly co-erected. and i guess i'll stay right here where i'm trapped, but safe. i guess i'll stay right here where the voices only come from my demons.

i'll stay right here where you can't see me.

i'll stay right here where i'm not hurt.
Annie Setter Jan 2019
How possibly can I listen to you
If you are trying to shove it down my throat
If my eyes bleed more abundantly than tears fall
but what else can come out but blood
After you allow my head to be stuffed with stars.
with planets.
with words.
questions
statements
stubbornness
art music letters ghosts emotions scars–

what it is like to be in one's own deathbed
i will never know
until the ghosts tell me.
i can never be good at what they want me to
so i will be just another blurry face

i am the mad hatter on the closing brink of insanity
Rachel Chumley Aug 2018
all the things you said
that night at 2 am
the pain I left you with
shattering regret that follows me like my shadow
it is scratched into the walls of my mind
how horrible I am
for finding myself
in someone else.
how I let myself do this
to someone I lived for
for someone who's absence
once ceased my desire to wake
to eat
to live
I have told myself many times
that my crime is not punishable by death-
that lie is the only reason I can sleep at night.
it is the only way I can stand to be alone with myself.
it was all the fear that I would never really have you
that finally drove you away
i still love you and i still hate myself for it
Ashley Martin Apr 2018
Eyes open the soul to inspection.
Sometimes when eyes meet the soul is filled with wonder and delight,
others an extreme desire to run and to fight,
an infestation that entangles and ensnares,
a **** that gathers there.

I have been burned by prying eyes,
their color, shape, and design
embedded into my memory for the remainder of my life.

In my mind, everything around those eyes have faded into obscurity over time.

The image at first is clear, but the edges fade rapidly,
Until all i see are the eyes filled with intensity.
A silent command, “Keep quiet.”

How could I have been so naive to have listened?
I remember being questioned when I kept my distance,
I said I didn't feel well,
An unheard cry for help.

I contemplated telling the truth,
But every time I thought to give proof,
I felt the eyes on me.
I was as if they could see everything within my head.

The eyes, they knew my intentions,
And their stormy presence gave way to hesitations,
It was not a total lie…
I wasn’t feeling well.

The cause of this unwell was what should be
Foreign to the lives of little children, like me.
This dark thing was not a thought to be entertained.
How is it that one morning you wake up,
Eyes masked by rose colored glasses,
And the next they’ve turned to jade?

Were my innocent eyes what made him want to pursue?
Open, inviting, gaps in the wall that hid my spirit?
Maybe that is why I was the target,
Windows wide enough for a thief to climb through.


I have very little memory of that time.
All that I can recall are those eyes,
Gleaming, and beady in the night,
Reflecting nothing but glimmer of the hallway light.

I remember how they looked when they looked back at me,
And forever those eyes will be trapped inside my memory.

What haunts me more than those grey and lifeless eyes,
Is how for all the times I saw those eyes,
They never seemed to see the tears in mine.
This is a first draft so I may want to edit it a little? Feedback is appreciated!
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