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WickedHope Jan 2015
Navy blue sweater
Five buttons up
Reaches my thighs

Brush the sleeves
Graze my hand
I gasp and sigh

But you turn away
*I wish you'd stay
Will you stay?
- - -
This is an old piece. Ehhh.... it's bad.
WickedHope Jan 2015
Lock and key
I have such rotten luck
I try the wrong key
And the lock gets jammed

Lock and key
Was the first ever
Sarah Dessen
Book that I read

Lock and key
One acts as a protector
The other one
Plays the part of saviour

Lock and key
I'm not quite sure
Which is you
And which is me
I-I don't know.
About a thing, for a person, blah blah blah, I hate breathing, the end.
WickedHope Sep 2014
I don't care if it's Rock,
I don't care if it's Pop,
Soul, Jazz, or Techno
Are all the same to me.
I'll play an opera,
Or listen to Metallica.
Classical and Country are fine,
Or even a Reggae rhyme,
And Screamo is sublime.
It doesn't matter to me,
As long as it's
Loud.
WickedHope Sep 2014
Second choice
Stand in
Stunt double
I can't do this anymore
You look at me and think of her

I gotta get outta here
Can't do this to myself
This was my greatest fear
That you'd love someone else
Same struggles, different faces.
WickedHope Sep 2014
To father,
                you don't exist.
Mother,
              thinks you're a no good *****.
From brother,
                        you get the bulk of the hits.
Ex-boyfriend,
                       pretends you have an open door.
And you,
                stab,
                        starve,
                             and shrink.
WickedHope Jan 2015
"Just please don't say you love me, 'cause I might not say it back."

The idea of love is terrifying
To me it means heartbreak
Love isn't peace, isn't joy
Love is the opposite of hope

It's love, or the idea of love
The empty promise of love
That has let me down
So many times it seems infinite

To me love has come to mean
A beating heart and concrete
One is in love with the stone
Or one falls, jumps to meet it

If you tell me you love me
I don't know, what to say, do
I'm not the sort you love
I am afterall, a disease
Song: "Please don't say you love me" by Gabrielle Alpin
- - -
I'd tag *you* too, but you already know who you are...
- - -
WickedHope Oct 2014
I hate making the first move.

Even if you think it's stupid,

I really just want to be wooed.
Ya know?
I actually take physical intimacy really seriously. And people already make me anxious in general. What the hell is wrong with me.
WickedHope Dec 2014
I don't feel loved,
and I don't know why.
I don't feel loved by myself
or by anyone else.
Isn't that all anyone truly wants?
- - -
I am just going to sit here for awhile thinking,
which is possibly the worst thing for me.
Maybe I'll go out the bridge tonight
and go before they can find me this time.
WickedHope Oct 2014
babe
let me in
your love is the best sin
WickedHope Jan 2015
"You're so                      
much prettier
                      with wet hair"
"Yeah?"
"Mmm... Yeah."
- - -
The conversations we have... yup...
WickedHope Jan 2015
Light, light...
Why do they always call me that
In the time before they leave me?

I live in dark.
I am surrounded by dark.
I am dark.

Maybe I need light,
Maybe I'm the demon and I need an angel;
I'm tired of saving fallen angels,
Maybe I'm fallen.

And I need a light to save
Me.
Almost a rant? Perhaps?
Eh.
WickedHope Mar 2015
Take me out
Please, with your quiver full
Big words, show off vocabulary
Air of superiority, the way you strut about
I love it when you tell me
How to solve my in war
What the answers are to the questions
I never asked
Rant in my drafts I'm deciding to post because.
WickedHope Dec 2014
I'd give him
                      anything if
              he'd let me
                                     continue
              to lie
              
              here
                          staring
      into his eyes.

That's all I
                       want.
WickedHope Sep 2014
I just can't stand the thought of you this way.
So I said the things that I thought would make you stay.
Addicted to Bad Decisions- Emery
WickedHope Nov 2014
Can't look anyone in the eye,
I hate myself for what I'll do tonight.
I already know I won't improve,
Can't, so what can I lose?

No one cares,
No one 'll miss me.
Not at all loved,
She just wants to 'kiss' me.

I am a trophy;
Up on a shelf.
(Look at this girl --
Danger to herself...)
"She bites my tongue, so I don't say too much. She was made for lust --
anymore than that would be so dangerous..."
~Waiting by Breathe Carolina
Awesome song, one of my favourites... **** my life
WickedHope Jan 2015
My mind lies to my heart, says,
We don't love you,

My heart lies to my mind, says,
We hate the pain,

But my mind knows,
Just as my heart knows,
How addictions work.
Idk why this song made me write this. There's literally like no relevance.
Go listen to "Made Too Pretty" by As Cities Burn, it's been stuck in my head all afternoon/night.
WickedHope Oct 2014
I'm crazy,
but what does that make me?
My breath is ragged
from my thoughts.
My thoughts.
My thoughts don't stop.
They jump and leap,
and make circles,
chasing each other.
My thoughts I do not keep --
they keep me.
Is this reason to applaud,
or reason to weep?
"Science has not yet taught us if madness is or is not the sublimity of intelligence." ~E. A. Poe
(Yes, this was an assignment.)

Also, I'm noticing that I'm apparently livin' up the whole repetition thing of late... Well okay then.
WickedHope Aug 2014
This is when she can become herself.
Not anyone special.
No one famous.
She is not anyone at times like this.
Just her.
Moving in ways never to be understood.
Defying gravity with her shoes.
The children call them Magic Shoes.
The world moves because she tells it to.
She needs no one.
Her only companion is the music.
She likes it this way.
They become one.
She is music, the music is her.
They are a blur of color and sound.
The music is the most beautiful rainbow.
It dances across the space.
It is the spot light.
Enhancing her.

Her problems fade.
There is no war, no disease, no hate, her mother is not dying.
The floor is far beneath her, the people are far below, too far to touch.

Comparisons are not able to be made here.
She is fierce with power and passion.
The one place she is strong.
Most would crave praise in such a place.
But no applause is necessary.
Her Magic Shoes send all the feedback she needs in their echoes.
Energy races though her body.
But by watching you can not taste it the way she tastes it.
She can not help but grin.
She feels unstoppable.
She is captive to the music.

Her feet have grown to the Magic Shoes.
They are intertwined.
There are blisters and cuts.
Sweat, and blood.
It is all part of the game.
They are a small price to pay.
They fade away as she continues.
She flows effortlessly.
She is nothing.
No one.

Elegantly she can float.
She floats like the feathers the ducks leave behind in the river.
Like the toy rafts they used to make.
She is reborn here.
The mock titles given to her fall away.
No longer is she plain, boring.
No judgement can linger.
Harsh words are gone.
Time does not exist.
No one can torment her here.
She can not bully herself.

Being in the Magic Shoes she is calm.
When she puts on the Magic Shoes the world changes from a dull grey place of monotone sounds.
What is felt are the colors here.
The sounds.
She feels joy.
Purple.
Birds chirping.
Strength.
Green.
A downpour.
Weightlessness.
Yellow.
An opera.
Excitement.
Red.
The hushed hum of a distant helicopter.
The music is so loud it is not heard.
Only felt.
Music is her favorite emotion.

The floor hurts.
This is the only moment her trance ends.
Falling.
She is broken.
Bent out of shape.
It is the source of her imperfections.
She can not be a professional.
Her bones are wrong.

I will never be a ballet dancer.
I have a slight deformity in my bones in my legs; they grew crooked,
not enough to to notice in passing,
just enough to prevent me from dancing.

This is an old piece, a vignette actually, I wrote for a class once, slightly modified.
WickedHope Oct 2014
make my head stop, heart stop*

no matter how i claw at my side

my head keeps spinning
my heart keeps beating


no matter how many times i throw myself against the wall

my head keeps spinning
my heart keeps beating


no matter how many times i write hate on my arms

my head keeps spinning
my heart keeps beating


no matter how many times i hold this bottle under my nose

my head keeps spinning
my heart keeps beating


no matter how many poems i write
WickedHope Dec 2014
I get angry and crazy
Each second
More and more
I am sweet and I am caring
Up to the moment I switch
Triggered
Crushed
Whatever it is
I'm going to try to destroy myself
While holding on for dear life
I am ready to go
I don't want to take you down with me
I secretly just want someone to save me
Save me from myself
I'm far worse than anyone else
I don't mean to frustrate you
I don't mean to scare you
I just want to feel safe again
I need to just stop.
WickedHope Oct 2014
Far too often
I watch myself
Tear up my life
Like a sheet of paper
Watch each
Man-, no
Monster-made snowflake
Hit the floor
Causing tremors
Then I scramble
And watch myself try
To put the mess
Back together again
I'm sorry, no one should ever have to deal with me.
WickedHope Nov 2014
I have as many scars as I do freckles
I'm not covered in them head to toe
But they're there, if I let you in close
If I let you in close enough to see me
WickedHope Sep 2014
don't joke with me
as i go up in smoke
light me on fire
to bring yourself higher
burning
melting
right in front of you
watch my skin peel
where all my scars healed
look at this vibrant color
my burning flesh
contrast to my icicle heart
i drip
off in bits
and you keep laughing
how funny
that you could convince me
this'd make me happy
honestly
tied me to a stake
i said i couldn't wait
you lit the match
and we both watched it catch
i'm not amused
not anymore
i see now it's abuse
as i turn to ash
and breathe my last
Sometimes it's too late to stop something.
Conversations with myself in the mirror.
WickedHope Feb 2022
I hope you know how much of my heart you hold
You didn't always let me in
But I saw you
But I see you
I know you
You were who I wanted to be
Sometimes I still wish I was more parts you than me
I don't know if you remember that night
Or if the drugs washed it all away
But I have been sober since the second he touched you
Since the second he said he wanted us both
I was so angry
Only for a moment at you
Because I never told anyone what we did
But apparently you had told this monster
Then he made you cry
Then he grabbed the wheel
Then with words and laughs slurred he tried to crash as we went over and over and over the speed limit
I was so angry
I will never watch anyone hurt you
So I'm sorry I made you cry
You are my sister
The only one I've ever really had
I am so angry
I made you cry
WickedHope Jul 2021
Where you should be
I no longer see
If I blink you are there not here
Make it stop
Make it start over
I don't want to be missing
The life I had with you
You told me it wouldn't last
And I ignored it
I ignored your warnings
I lit the match because I wanted to see
And how bright we were you and me
But the light went out
And it reeks of sulfur
And you're all gone
Without so much as a smoulder
Stranded in the dark
I feel out my way to where you were
But my fingers only graze
The damp cool air
That has taken your place
I'm suffocating in this frozen hell
You told me it was coming
But I didn't listen
I didn't want to believe our days were numbered
Not when the moments were so sweet
We drank them like honey
But I can't hit repeat
Instead I am here alone
Waiting for a match to re-light
But all that remains is dead nights
Come back. Please.
WickedHope Nov 2014
"You're so mature..."*
Is that why you thought
That I could handle
You walking all over me?
Treat me like a child,
Then call me such an adult.
I don't understand.
I was too young for you,
But really I think the problem is
You're still too juvenile for me --
(And I'm five inside.)
I don't know why this happened, but here ya go.
WickedHope Sep 2014
I think I've ruined my ears
I feel the beat pound through my body
Consuming as much as I can
Never less than one hundred percent
Need to breathe it, need to bleed it
My pulse has become this constant rhythm
Music is my only friend
This is where I scream.
WickedHope Dec 2014
Maybe he lost my number
Maybe he forgot where I live
Maybe he's out on vacation
Maybe he's ******* with classes
Maybe he had a relative die
Maybe his brother relapsed
Maybe he's... still sleeping
Maybe he has amnesia
             that would explain how
             he could just forget everything
This looked cooler written in cursive.
I like my handwriting.
WickedHope Dec 2014
Sometimes,
I think about how
soft
my hair is
and about how relatively
small
my waist is,
and I'm okay
with myself...
... for about three minutes.
Then I'm back to 'normal.'
WickedHope May 2015
Maybe I'm not the one who threw rocks at windows
Maybe I just laughed drunkenly at the sound of shattering
Maybe I'm not the one who wrote or changed the law
Maybe I'm just the one who blindly defied or followed
Maybe I'm not crazy or an insomniac or dangerous
Maybe I just told myself was so I could have excuses
Maybe I really ****** everything up
Maybe I don't have to anymore
..thoughts..
- - -
Older-ish piece.
WickedHope Jan 2015
Maybe I've liked you for a while now
Just a little bit

Maybe to like you I'm not too sure how
Just a little bit

Maybe I don't want to admit to that
Just a little bit

Maybe I don't want to color you black
Just a little bit

Maybe you shine brighter than me
Just a little bit

Maybe I'm just terrified of everything
Just a little bit

Maybe I'm afraid that I could hurt you
Just a little bit

Maybe I'm afraid you could hurt me
Just a little bit

Maybe I'm more smoke than I am fire
Just a little bit

Maybe I like you and to us both I'm a liar
Just a little bit

Maybe I have loved you from the start
Just a little bit
Rhyming isn't a thing, okay? It's just not,
so leave me alone to cower in my corner.
- - -
I had no idea how I wanted
to format this... is it okay?
- - -
WickedHope Sep 2014
Can I weave myself into you
Like a blanket, or patchwork quilt?
Please, let me.
WickedHope Dec 2014
Everyone leaves
                                                  for lunch break,
           and I'm left here,

questioning my appearance.
Been struggling with anorexia nervosa for years.
Trying to do better. Hopeful I stay that way this time.
WickedHope Dec 2014
I cried when Jimmy died

I fell in love with Ky

I wanted to be Marlene, or Lynn maybe

I fell in the snowbank with Charlie


I disappear like the Cheshire Cat
If you can get what each of these are from/who each character is,
You might be okay enough to be friends with me, maybe. If I had friends.
- - -
Sorry, I have writers block and my stuff is really ****** lately.
WickedHope Oct 2014
Can I mean something to someone?
Please? Maybe?
I'll be your baby...
WickedHope Nov 2014
you don't mean the words you say to me
what are you afraid of
my association is painful for you
i'm sorry to know you
WickedHope Nov 2014
Oh, that's rich
Yeah, you think I'm a *****
Well have you spoken to your girlfriend lately
Her, the only one you let call you baby
She's so lovely, just a peach
Thank God she ain't nothing like me
"Loyal, devoted," she keeps public face
Faker, cheater, been all over the place

I might be loud, I might be troubled
At least I ain't walking all over you honey
Sorry you're blind, sorry your fooled
She is the one ******* every other dude
Maybe I'm fractured, just shy of crazy
But for you I'll always be here, waiting
What the **** am I even writing about this for? This was years ago!?
. . .
I am tired.
WickedHope Oct 2014
Maybe you are right
Maybe I should be on medication
Actual medication.
WickedHope Oct 2014
Meet me
At the place
We laid in
The long grass and
Could see Boston
On the distant horizon.

Would you travel
From lake Michigan,
For one last dive in
The Atlantic with me again?

Meet me
At the place
You teased me saying
You hated the hill and walking.

Meet me
At the place
I teased you showing
More skin than I intended.

Meet me
At the place
Where the lights aren't so harsh,
And I gave you all my stars,
Letting you trace constellations
One by one,
Until you could map me -
Navigate me.

Would you come
Meet me there
Once more,
So I could try to
Give you all the things
I could not before?
...
I have to stop this.
WickedHope Nov 2014
By day I am a smile and a laugh
Hair flipping, brightly chirping
By day I am the girl with makeshift answers
Good girl, everyone's shoulder to cry on

By night I am bleach and blades
Thoughts that pound their way finally out
By night I am angry and violent and sharp
Breathing in and out toxic waste I've bottled

I'm sorry when day and night blur
And during the day I come out
From my shell to burn
Not only my skin but yours too
I'm sorry when the darkness that clouds my head leaks out to cast shadows on you. If I had it my way I would stay black inside my internal room. Or stay just some random poet on the internet no one knows, not really. I just need to stay quieter.
WickedHope Aug 2014
a slight glance
one chance
don't wanna **** it up
so perhaps
its under wraps
at least for now

one mistake and you are done
one mistake and you are gone

never breathe
never blink
cause you might brake
happiness and hope
risks you can’t afford to take
nothing can never be wrong
for it’s only nothing

eye contact
a secret pact

no i will **** it up
WickedHope Jan 2015
When the cool metal
of my necklaces rests
on my breast
and I shiver,
I wonder if this is what
my heart feels like?
Ummm...
Whatever.
It's not like any of you even read my notes.
WickedHope Nov 2014
I am choking out syllables in an effort to feel better
What kind of poet am I
Using words for my own personal gain
I am less than words, even my own ****** ones
I am less than words because
I don't even know who I am
That I can claim any in the first place
Sometimes they are my alternative
Others the foreplay to danger
Words are just these
Things
I abuse and misuse
In an effort to escape my reality
If only for the length of a poem
Rant? Maybe?
**** it.
WickedHope Dec 2014
i have problems
the voices are back
someone help me
- - -
if i just keep laughing
maybe i'll die of hysteria
- - -
i wonder if what i am
even counts as living
Oh, **** me.
WickedHope Oct 2014
I can't stop staring
I'm in a trance
Holding a razor
I start to laugh
Why did I believe
I could be okay
My breath's a waste
I've no reason to stay

Look at my hips
Look at all of me
What a joke
A blob-ish mess
Needs to go
Press the blade
Gently into me
Or is it deeper
I can't tell
I stopped feeling today
Downward *****
I'm on again
I should end me quick
But I just can't

I laugh again
Oh how tragic
Girl hates herself
But deep down
Is scared to end it
Look at the blood
Pool at the incision
Until it drips down
Over my hip
And slow down
The curve of my thigh
It feels so good
Addictive high

If I felt pain
Maybe I'd stop
Maybe the red
Hitting the floor
Would frighten me
But I'm not scared
Not of blood
I'm scared of hurting
The ones that I love

So clean up the blood
Put the razor away
Grab some bottles
Paint, polish remover, glue
Whiteout, Windex
Anything to inhale will do
Wish I had a
Bit of ***** too

Waste myself away
Try to cope another day
I just can't. I'm so alone.
WickedHope Dec 2014
Will I see you tonight
by the candle light,
where within the pews
I did pray with you?

Will you make time for me
in this winter heat,
or will I be with the breeze
left out to freeze?
I'm just going to post this, because... yeah.
WickedHope Dec 2014
I'm tired of the sad songs
And the watercolor paintings
I can't stop writing about you
I promised her I was done
Agreed you were no good for me
You're the opposite of everything
I tell myself I want and need
But you won't leave leave my heart
And for the first time in years
I want to draw all the time
I started dancing again
And I don't know what it is about you
But I can't seem to let you go
So I'm writing and singing songs
And art is everywhere again
And my pointe shoes are taking a beating
My beating heart won't stop
Calling out your name
Someone slap me.
And, yes, I'm aware this is bad,
but it's better than the others I have right now,
so it's going up.
WickedHope Oct 2015
Black & white
Bark & bite
Whisper & yell
Demon from hell

Bold & bruised
Dark & illum'ned
Ernest & a lie
Little piece of sky
Don't know, don't care.

Might add to this.
WickedHope Dec 2014
Have you seen me?

They took my face
Off the the missing posters,
Because no one
Would want the reward,
If they saw my face.

The description
They removed too,
Because how can you
Define a girl
Who's nothing but bruised?

I have been missing -- gone,
For far, far too long.
Not worth it.
I don't think anyone will ever find me.
- - -
Andrew... Meet me in the dark?
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