My skin is so white
Sickly pale
For I am not Snow White

My lips are ruby red
Coated in blood
For I am not Snow White

My head with dark curls
Thoughts not hair
For I am not Snow White

My kindness to animals*
People shun me*
For I am not Snow White

There is this boy
I know he didn't like me much
But that was five months ago

Now I'm this girl
I love him as my tattered heart bursts
For a month ago he started mending it

moving on is so hard
almost numb
removing a part of yourself
breaking apart
never knowing
how you got this
far from the start

moving on is so weightless
almost numb
removing an old part of yourself
to make room
for someone else
overjoyed with the thought
of a fresh start

I promise to be your
                                          rain storm;
            thunder
            and
                          lig
                 ­           ht
                           ni
                             n
                            g,
     if
you will remain
                  as the
                                             mud  
that
          keeps me
                         stuck.

my
             favorite
drug
                        ...
my
                    best
addiction

Everytime I feel okay about you,
you make your way back to me.
You left.
You left.
So why do you keep coming back,
only long enough to set me off balance?
My two A.M.,
my puppy, my Friday,
my love, my peace,
my everything.
My Best.
You built me up to let me down,
so must you return?
Must you kick me on the ground?
I miss you.
I love you.
I need you.
But stop coming around
and letting me hope
that this time you might
stay.

Where is my heart?
I can hear it
I can't feel it
I can't see it
But I hear it
I don't know what that means.

My feet
Are so far away
From my head.
I think that they are
The most fortunate
Piece of my body.
Rarely are they
Punctured
Or stabbed.
Clawed
Or sliced.
They even try
To hold me up
When I'm too dizzy,
Depleted to think.
To bad I hate them,
For they are still
A part of me.

I was born white
turning pink

6 years young
they added black and green
wonder why I grew up so fast
I spent so long not realizing
something was wrong

10 brings tragedy
slight grey and silver
to me and my family

12 years young
with so much blue, black and lust
very ****** up little girl
trusted the wrong people

12 also brought a striking bit of gold
but the blue was too strong
too icy, too dark, too cold

14 and you'd never guess
what I've turned into
black and black and black and grey
then finally met enough red
to make me feel okay

15, 16 red was my life
a pulse, a heartbeat
finally happy and alright
soon though comes doubt
and black seeps back in
how did this happen
I was just a kid

16, 16, the last straw
I can't face red anymore
and red was not
the strong color I thought it to be
red faded, receded from me

17, oh, don't look at me
don't look closely
you won't like what you see
as each addiction returns
bringing friends
my life I've wanted to end
for quite some time now
I'm such a gross color

17 is such a great time
to cut short the life of a girl
who has no colors
invisible
nothing

I look back
Now, and I can see how it all
Set up, to fall apart.
Looking back,
Dominos lining up to fall,
Standing tall at the start.

Why is my skin
                         a    c    h    i    n    g
               for you
                            when
                                                everything about you
          should
                      r    e    p    u    l    s    e
       me?

Pulchritudinous -- you complained was too long to fit
Idiosyncrasies -- you complimented and lauded  
Call Me Maybe -- you translated into latin, then sung
Kisses or hugs -- you only loved one, and I know who

Under blue suns -- you didn't know were there
P**romising forever -- you forgot and I got scared

She is everything I've ever wanted to be
Everything that makes me strong
She is graceful, beautiful and my brand of insane
She makes me hope
A friend

When I grab at my neck
You are the only one
Who knows what it means
You know to say stop
To hold me
To hug me

It's so unfair.
My heart is breaking,
splintering,
like it was whole to begin with.
I don't understand why
I need you so badly
when I am terrified of you.

How ridiculous I feel
trying crookedly
to walk down
these dark lit streets at night.

I am wandering,
I don't know what I'm doing.
But I do.

I grip my knife
with sweaty palms.
I am searching for
what I never hope to find.

I will embrace you.
I will attack you.
I will run.
I will freeze.

I never sleep.

My dreams
are filled with ghosts of the past.
Of my past.
Of the future I long for.
Of the future I fear.
Filled with nothing.
Filled with you.
Who are you?
Why can't you just leave me alone?

I write my name
My label, my identifier
My word, my definer
I write my name
And it looks wrong, outgrown
Do I have the power, the control
The grip
To change it

Get a grip
Stop slipping
State the facts
Stop tripping

You’re 17 and you’re young
You’re 17 and you have metal in your head
You’re 17 and you have metal taste
Stuck on your tongue
Dripping off when you talk
Forming the puddles in which you walk
Pooling in words that burn
They are a curse slipping through the smile
That reaches your eyes
Only because you painted it there

With brown eyes you can't make friends
With brown eyes you cried until you couldn’t
With brown eyes you smile like it’s free
You quit dancing
You quit schooling
You quit pretending
You started pretending

I am not the same as the infant born 17 years ago
I am not the same as the name that they gave me
I am not the same as the others that held my name
I am separate from that title
I am something new, beyond
Something true and someone gone

Scar after scar twinkles in the light
Hair after hair is torn out every night
What do you call a work in progress
Incomplete is not my name
I am not quite obsolete
To many I appear petite
To many I should just retreat
What a privilege to be given something to cling to that you never desired to own
No, rain is not the same as snow

A name is not a name
My name is not my name
It is a label I stole from fame
Nicole Kidman is not my role model
But her role was my model
My mother was her model on set
But this is a stage on which we are players
And I will not give a verse a name that is not of my own creation
I will not credit the broken, glue-coated, splinters of myself
To some foreign and separate person
No, not to someone else

Don't tell me maybe, I don't want to know.
I've swallowed so many maybes I'm surprised they've all stayed down.
Save your maybes for a girl who can stomach them,
For I'm already queasy.

I       wish
            so        badly
                             I        could
                                         see         him
                                                        right        now

I need your two in the morning phone calls
     They were the highlight of my nights
I need your crude latin jokes
     Even though I always opposed
I need your shoulder for my head
     I'm sorry I backed away from your bed
I need your curiosity and ability to speak your mind
     Without you I've been losing mine
I need your showing me off to your parents
    Even though you hid me from your friends
I need your sweatpants and your arms
     They were my favourite things to wear
I need your whispers and your gentle love
     You were so much more than I could've asked for

How can I miss,
long for, lust
after skin I haven't
ever touched?

"Don't you feel flattered?"
she inquired, confused --
in more ways than one,
though she didn't know it.

"People compliment you,
and you are so unappreciative."*
That is what she told me,
believing I needed a scolding.

Maybe I'm just tired of
people only caring about
how 'nice' my *** looks;
maybe I want more to matter.

Yeah, I know you liked my costume
I wore it with purpose for you
Your hands were on me, she was in the next room

What do you think they would do
If they knew this was how we behaved
Come closer to me, for right now
It's just you and I, here on this couch

You mean nothing to me
That's why I can do this
When I'm lonely and hurt, I can torment you
Let you have just enough
To feel powerful before I cut you off
How twisted am I, a witch
To cast a dark spell on
You, my boy -- me, your *****

Come on, take a hit
We're both alone and need this
Put your lips to me and inhale all you can
Before I burn out and leave you again

A good day, today was a good day
Laughter and joy came out to play
But happiness can never stay

Your kiss leaves an acid ring that devours my skin
This isn't what I had in mind when you asked me to sin

Your taste is like cold ash sitting on my tongue
You said swallowing fire was supposed to be fun

You tore me apart and never quite pieced me back together
Now I'm hooked on your burn and I'll need it forever

Running your fingers down my arms I lean into your touch
But you always back away and laugh claiming I want too much

I'm addicted to the way your hands mar my flesh
I'm chasing your love like I'm chasing my death

If I could leave you I would but I'm masochistic
If I escaped your torture I know that I'd miss it

What are the things that you wish to remember about me
You better write them down before they all slip away
I keep having this recurring dream recurring nightmare
That you forget about me or remember only the bad
Or only the good but not me never all of me for who I am

I can't escape the thought of you lately it seems
I hear Thrice, Icon for Hire, Avenged Sevenfold, 7eventh Time Down,
       Sent By Ravens, hear them everywhere
See your brother in the store
See your mom at church
See a guitar
See the color red, the color green
Think of Christmas and what you meant to me
       Someone who waited for me to reach comfort
       Someone who left me too soon
       You accepted every piece of me
       You played the game, where we let the world laugh
The thought of skipping
When I dance, the salsa, anything
Watching the Sox game
Walking past you're old spot
       Remembering everyday that seemed to last forever and end
      too quickly
Every time I write the letter 'X,' your favorite
Think of green eyes, and how we said yours secretly were
Think Taylor Swift and the joke that you two were destined
My birthday comes and how you were the only one who
         remembered that year
Each time I still wear the perfume you bought me
Whenever I think of movies and how you drove out to be with me
See a bicycle or think long walks
Hear music in a language I don't understand
Get frustrated at Ecclesiastical Latin, because you do understand
Hide from the violence, because you grew up with it too

Think of leaving
Think of silence
Think of lies
Think of empty promises
Think of "I'll come back for you"

Think of calculus
And how you are such a nerd
And I stare at my paper
At these nonsensical equations
Of calculus
Of us

The dreams and the crying and the dreams and the crying and the wondering whatever the **** I did to deserve this. Waking up in a cold sweat, tangled in sheets and emotions that cling to my skin like scars, like tattoos, like you. Who the hell even cares right? Who cares about what I wake up as at two a.m., three a.m., four a.m., five a.m., noon. Who cares when I'm standing naked and still can't take off the things that weigh me down. Who ******* gives a **** about hearing that kind of news and not being able to forget how much it hurts. The knife that keeps on stabbing you in the chest, and you can't feel your feet or your arms or your fingers or your lips, but you can't escape the feeling in your chest -- the throbbing in your chest. My heart is too broken to break is what I used to comfort myself with, and now I can't sleep and now I can't move and now I  can't breathe and now I can't live without you.

(maybe i'm a mistake)
mistake
mistakes happen all the time

just erase them and they'll be gone
erase the mistake
erase it
erase her
(erase me)

i wonder what being erased feels like
to feel nothing
but not in this way
this poisonous way
this painful way
of feeling nothing

i wonder what it feels like to be nothing
but not dirt nothing
not sludge nothing
not this nothing that stings

i wonder where the nothings go
where the mistakes go
when they're erased

i have to stop running
i run from the right things
and to the wrong thing
or is it to the right things
and away from the wrong things

it's hard to tell
when everything is in motion

can't we press pause
someone press pause
please
someone just press pause

i am spinning and falling
but i don't hit the ground
the dirt
(i am the dirt)

i just keep spinning
and i flip over and over
without touching anything
without stopping
without pausing
(someone stop me)

i keep running
(make me stop
make me sit tight
and stay in one place
make me fixed
not a mistake)

(erase me
erase me and replace me)

replace (me) with the correct thing
the right thing
the finally-makes-sense thing
the feels-right thing
the safe thing
the not-so-crazy thing
the stable thing

(erase me
and send me
to the place the nothings go.)