I checked the mailbox today
and something from you came.

After running inside, excited to read your words,
I felt like my heart was ready to jump out of my shirt.

**I've missed you so much.

****...
Where has the time gone?
*Away from me

I'm here for all of you people that are feeling just as tired and exhausted from the saddening madness that I am always getting slapped in the face with. **I am here for you.

I open my door to the icy cold,
Look up at the moon to see it's no longer full.
I start my walk and notice the ground glitters
It's kind of funny, how black ice likes to shimmer

It wasn't shimmering when I was drifting earlier
Although the thrill and dodge made me shiver,
Invisibility never caused me to quiver
All it gifted me was loneliness and shelter

Does the ice feel the same kind of chill
As it wraps the world in a frozen thrill?
Beneath its glimmer, secrets are concealed,
A dance with shadows, as the moonlight spills.

Interruption creates dysfunction,
I try to stay focused but find myself distracted
When my flow state is corrupted
It causes a malfunction.

Why can't you send a message
Instead of speaking to me in person
Calling is a last resort,
I'll wait for your text.

The talking in the office is irritating.
The sound of the fax machine
Papers shuffling
Quiet is key

Headphones help me,
I feel like I'm time travelling
When I put them to use,
Please stay away from me.

8

She likes video games, reading books
and watching movies with family
She always day dreams
and plays outside alone, imagining.

She looks up to her big sister,
and likes to sing together in her car
Her little sister is annoying
She's always the shining star.

But together all three will walk to the park.

11

She likes to color, play guitar and sing
She dances in her room without worrying
One wall is covered with a teen pop sensation,
Others hold her poems and art that reveal her struggles and wishes.

She liked the attention singing got her
It made her feel like she was worthy.
She did her best to live up to
The things said by her family

13

She was sad often and preferred to be alone
She still played guitar but played games the most,
She liked writing poems and songs,
They let her express herself in any tone

She had plans to go far away one day,
with her best friend she would escape.
There'd be hello kitty tunnels
and fun had every day.

She fell victim to infatuation
which lead to many hearts being broke,
Forced to play outside,
she'd swing away her trauma while grasping ropes.

16

She's quiet, she stays in her room alone, she feels unwanted.
The internet is where she felt she belonged
Most people would hear her out
and wouldn't ask her to play them a song.

She was forced to go somewhere she was needed
She got an education out of it and an identity crisis.

25

She is independent, but still feels scared
She is working to understand her life
and is moving forward with care.

So don't call me Becca,
It reminds me of those years-
the times I was saddest and living in fear.

Becca had a mask that Rebecca has out grown.
The mask is smaller now and is becoming unsown.
It's been a painful process, the mask really hurt
This is where I'm at now, trying to unlearn.

Leave me alone*
I removed you
from everything
for a *reason.
You're wondering
why- maybe you
should've paid
more attention.
My point being:
I'm better off
without you.
*Goodbye.

It's been so long
since a song
could make me cry.
my eyes were so dry,
For what feels like a long time.
My heart beats so fast
as this song escalates
and I hear it crash
It pulls me backwards
until I remember pain,
then twists me around
and reminds me
of when I could touch your face.

I don't want to see your name anymore
I hate the way it sounds in my mind
also when it comes out of my mouth
so stop filling up my Facebook's news
feed

Stop poking me and sending me things
on other social medias
Stop texting my now broken phone
and maybe just maybe- leave me alone
I'm so sick of being reminded of the
girl who once went by NotTsundere
the girl that I've kicked out and have
forced to hide
She's already said goodbye
so now it's time for you to.

I want to kiss you
at the end of each night
and the beginning of every day,
I wanna be there so you can see
me smiling at the things you say.

I just want to disappear sometimes.
shut the blinds, and roll over
until I can sleep no longer
I'm tired, of always worrying.

I'm looking outside of my cardoor's window to see the lights of a city and I can't stop myself from wondering where exactly you are inside of yours, what you're doing and whether or not you're wondering the same things as me, and I think tonight it might rain, everything I see is gloomy like the inside of my brain, I just want you to hold me and hear you say you forgive me but you're so far away. I guess I'll just have to wait, it's too bad that March comes before June because that's when the rain will truly start.

Oh, you want to talk?
It's been months now
I almost had forgotten
how you changed me,
                     *back then.

I throw my phone across the room
and scream as it shatters against the wall
how could you ever assume that I'd want
to see that content.. Tears easily escape my
eyes as I sit on the floor in distress and hide
my face in one hand. I hate you.  *Hate.

I'm having a  
(b               t
        a
    l          s)
dancing all on
  m y   o w n
we were never
in the same show
and now I    

                       k
                         n
                           o
                             w
how much fun one
person can have **alone.

All of a sudden...
I'm really tired,
I want to go to sleep
but thoughts of you
    haunt me
they keep me awake.

My face hurts from smiling
I just can't stop.
The things you say to me
Make my heart throb.

I can't tell if I'm nervous,
or happy or both
But I do know one thing,
Our love will continue to grow.

Grab me by my wrist and so tightly; I want you to pull me back into your life don't shut me out again please don't make me beg for your attention I just want to be held in your deepest comprehension.
All I know is I love you too much to not act out when you say you're going away I cannot bare to watch your shoulders as you turn around and walk the other way- the way that's away from me. An opposite direction that is in more than one way heart breaking do I really not mean anything at all to you? Is it so easy to turn around as the tears fill up my eyes and start to slip from my eyelids, is it really that easy- for you to say goodbye..

*If you were to ever really scatter I would probably shatter, please don't say goodbye.. anytime soon.

Silence...

Except for my fan.
All that I knew,
was sadness back then.
but these days are brighter
and bolder and more lovely,
back then I never would've guessed
I could be this happy.

I only wish I could tell the old me,
that things get better.

You're the one that I want,
you're the one that I need.
You're the one that I see
when I close my eyes and dream.

You keep me warm,
with you, things are good
I never feel cold with you,
even when I should

You hold me closely
with you, I feel safe
I want to stay with you, *always.

What am I afraid of?
Here is some sort of list,
I'm afraid of snakes, bugs, bats, birds, and nearly anything that can fly!
Those aren't the only things I'm afraid of that are also alive though.
I'm afraid of horses, piranhas, elephants and heights
Pregnancy, loud noises, hospitals and walking outside alone at night.
I could probably go on and on with this list because fear is somewhat infinite and I will
I'm afraid of loud noises, being left behind and the germs of childhood friends and others who could've smothered them on my pillow from drooling at night
I'm afraid of school, females, males, and people in general. Failing. Falling. Drowning and death. Who knew there could be so many things haunting me?
****. Bridges that are taller than me, being lied to, aging, and foods that are too spicy.. It may sound childish, just stay away from me if you're eating spicy calamari..


Did you think I was done? Because I've only just begun..
I'm afraid of situations, such as when people distance themselves from me too quickly. It ties into my fear of being left behind,
Don't abandon me.
I'm afraid of my mom, needles, parties and more it's mostly because of past experience, but I'll leave out the gore..

My heart aches,
And I love it.
My mind turns,
and it tosses.
My eyes yearn,
to see your smile...
though I'm hurting,
I know it's just for a while.

You're a heartbeat that's fading, in and out..

We've been through this so many times now...


You've hurt me, you've hugged me, and we never say goodbye.

I wish you'd tell me why you're the one, whom
my mind has been focused on for the past twelve
hours.

Why'd you choose the spell devour when you
locked in our friendship?

Was I only ever your prey?

I guess you wanted it to always work; to stick well.

And it obviously has, since I'm inside an eggshell that has your pictures all around the wall that has me trapped inside; forcing me to dwell.

I'm writing this so that you'll know I'm not going to anymore.

I'll forget you eventually and it'll all be laid out on the floor.

After rereading what you said to me,
now for the seventh time...
I'm starting to wonder if I am like her.
She dumps all her problems on a forum
while I dump mine here.
It's true I once was sad enough to hurt
but I showed no one.
You were there during this time
do you not remember?
How dark I became...
You hold yourself high on a pedestal
and like to think you made me who I am today.
While you did take part in the little things
you did not make me.
All you've made me is negative energy,
little smiles in between didn't help anything, not really.

Even though we're far apart,
you're the one that holds the key to my heart.

my eyes are red
as im laying in bed
im remembering what you said
so many thoughts of mine are left unsaid,

but i couldn't tell you why
even if i tried
sometimes it's just hard to decide
if these words I find sound just right.

I start to tremble
and the tears come next
I haven't cried in a while
But when I miss you like this,
It's hard not to...

I stayed up so late just to re-read
the things we talked about,
And laughed throughout
Each funny line you'd write.

To see your name in a blur
on my phone's screen,
It's not so bad to me.

to be able to pretend
you were laying right next to me,
I stayed up so late.

The car slows down
and in the moment
so does the sound,
all I can hear is my heart.

The car stops and so do I,
as I start to cry
I let everything out
that was being held inside.

I want to remove you,
but I don't know how.
Things you say to me
tend to leave me feeling down.

You make me feel guilty
for things I shouldnt be.
but you make me happy
through the worst of things.

When I look into the past
and think of all we've been through
the good and the bad,
I feel mad.

I don't know what to expect
when starting new friendships
because ours has always been toxic.
Will you understand when I let you go?

I try to come down
when's he's not around, or sleeping.
I tried telling you once
and you said to just keep bleeding.

You don't understand or want to know
about how my wounds have deepened
I feel like I'm in the middle of a crowded street, screaming.
You wouldn't know about that feeling.

How I've wanted to jump off, into the deep end.
You lack the care that I so desperately want.
It often feels like you're just throwing out taunts.
Why do things have to be this way?

I wish the storm would hit already
I have prepared my mind for the
upcoming tears; my bed is ready
for the unsteady mentality that I'll
be faced to deal with once you're
gone. It's hard to accept that this
is my reality; waiting for you to
realise that I'm not worth paying
attention to- not worth wasting
the warmth of your love on.
I honestly don't want to sit in this
waiting room any longer the sad
thought of you leaving me- is a
thought that I cannot handle,
and I know that soon with this
struggle I will call you at least a
billion times but hang up before
you can answer simply because
I miss you but know you're
entertained with other things;
other people. I am not a constant
need in your life, you'd be just
fine without me but without you
I am unhappy; I am wilting.
My tactless talent to treat the ones
that I truly love has acted once
again after all if I wasn't as sad
I wouldn't be writing these
withering words when I'm
well aware that you love me.

Empty house
yet noise
surrounds, me
funny how
the world
betrays me.

Last night I cried myself to sleep...
But tonight I'm filled with warmth
and hope to dream of you once more.

Isn't it sad
when the only person
you want to be near is
half way across the country
and they're tired of waiting
so they decide to come see
you because they'll be a tad
bit closer to you but you have
to go away on that particular day..
so now it's all over no more
I love you, goodnights..
"but I hope you're sleeping tight.."
no.. it's some kind of not-so-harsh
goodbye.. it's not beautiful either
it's a heart breaking kind of pain that
stays in a range of months to days.
So don't tell me you hope that I'm okay..
because I'm not going to be
not without you.

I'm getting hyped up on caffiene
and ignoring my problems just
kind of trying to forget about
everything that has happened
and everything that will.

I'm tired of feeling neglected
and turning my head away-
pretending that what you've
been saying hasn't made me
want to just set mysef on fire
and ignore my true desires.

I'm sick of running up into
my bedroom to escape inside
of my virtual worlds to ignore
the lectures my parents have
been screaming to me.

I'm so fed up with the fights
my best friend and I get into
they're pointless and make
me want to turn away but
I truly cannot because she
means too much to me.

I'm saddened and physically
effected by the way I think
and feel about myself. I'm
pretty sure if everyone
somewhat enhanced the way
they acted towards me I'd
simply crack. Shatter. Fall
to the floor in my own tears.
Because I do not deserve
such greatness nor do I
deserve the hate that I've
been recieving.

But maybe they'd be better off
if that were to happen, they
wouldn't have me around to
complain and dump my feelings
everywhere from the drain that
is my mind

The only person that I really
want to stay around for is
someone who I really adore
he is everything to me and
more, in fact I dream about
him a lot which is just lovely
like the smile that he shows
to me in pictures that I hope
will sooner or later become
mine, his, our reality.
He's amazing.

In the depths of our friendship's sea,
A jellyfish necklace binds you and me.
Silver and pretty, it once shone bright,
A token of love and shared delight.

But I leaned on you, like a child in need,
A caregiver's role, you didn't foresee.
Guilt fills my heart, for the burden I placed,
Yet I know it's not an excuse to embrace.

You're the jellyfish necklace I used to wear,
Beautiful and captivating, but hard to bear.
For you bring out the worst in me,
A love too strong, an attachment I can't see.

I sought shelter in your guiding light,
A refuge from darkness, day and night.
But the weight I placed upon your soul,
Has taken its toll, now I know.

The jellyfish necklace holds secrets untold,
A symbol of the roles we unfold.
In my quest for solace, I caused you pain,
Now I must learn to stand on my own again.

You're the jellyfish necklace I used to wear,
Beautiful and captivating, but hard to bear.
For you bring out the worst in me,
A love too strong, an attachment I can't see.

Like ocean waves, our friendship sways,
I must learn to mend my own broken ways.
Acknowledging the wounds, seeking healing's embrace,
Rebuilding our bond, through much needed space.

You're the jellyfish necklace I used to wear,
Beautiful and captivating, but hard to bear.
For you bring out the worst in me,
A love too strong, an attachment I can't see.

Though scars may linger, we'll find our way,
Together we'll navigate the choppy waves.
No longer dependent, but intertwined,
A friendship reborn, with strength we'll find.

I'm sitting in a corner rocking back and forth
You were all I wanted; now I want to leave this Earth

Even if I stayed it wouldn't make much of a difference
Everytime I try to change there is no significance

Tell me, why does the clock keep ticking when my heart is breaking?
You've become so cold is that why I'm now shaking?

Now I'm floating in the middle of space drowning in hate's embrace
This world that I'm in *****! I just can't stop messing up! ******.

I woke up flustered,
as I remembered
In my dream,
We were dancing in sheets
High on each other,
we created steam.

With you I was my true self,
Would always chase you around
Never wanted to fall down
But I'd follow you down

The space between you and me
Was always blurry only for me
It seems you never really knew
Just how close I was to you

It was toxic, it was bad
I didn't know it and now I'm sad
Every time I want to talk,
I stop myself and go for a walk

Every thought inside my mind
was yours to hear, I'd never hide
True friends shared everything
Was the message I received

But now everything is twisted
I don't know what was real
And was was scripted
My memories betray the realities

I'm so thankful to have such an understanding and loving character by my side.
Even when the wrath of the tides within me show, he listens and answers with healing words.
He always brings a smile to my face.

It's becoming so hard to express myself, especially here. It makes me want to crash into the ocean and disappear.

I touch the side of my face
as I shutdown my life,
my cheek is wet...
I stare straight ahead
as the screen goes black.
I sit for a moment
and cry.

Never ending, life keeps on going.
With or without you; time will not stop
and just when you think: "I've got this"
it all turns. The world struggles- one crisis
after another, people die and we all keep
trying to find new reasons to survive.
Someone, tell me **why.