I won't be sad
While you're away.
I'll try my best
To not be afraid.
Of everything
That I'll need to face,
To take care of
My past mistakes.
But I'll miss you.
And I'll think of you
Every day.

I want you to touch me
Press your lips against mine
I'm feeling flustered,
But I won't hide...
If you'd just touch me,
I might lose my mind.

Eyes open to a dim room
after a few moments I think of you,
the heaviness above me
yet I feel so empty?

It's so hard to sit up
please just lay back down.
Close your eyes again,
no one is around!

Eyes open again to a dim room,
I wonder what time it is
but this darkness still looms.

I checked the mailbox today
and something from you came.

After running inside, excited to read your words,
I felt like my heart was ready to jump out of my shirt.

**I've missed you so much.

I'm coming to see you
and not be so blue
but until then
I'm always missing you, my friend.

My special friend whom I'm in love with.

The ocean,
I've only seen it once in my life
I've touched the world, once,
that holds the most beautiful creatures...
The ones who make me feel something
that I wish I could feel all the time.
These creatures that never
make me cry for the wrong reasons.
They're beautiful and helpless
I'm not sure if they can think or imagine
but if they could I'd want them to know
they mean more than they'll ever know, **to me.

****...
Where has the time gone?
*Away from me

Laying here once again
In tears, as the room begins to spin.
I shut my eyes and teardrops fall
Once again I'm saying I miss them.

It's funny how family can drive you mad
But once time's spent away from them
You become too sad to function right, without them.

I wipe the tears away
And ignore the spins the best I can.
I know they wouldn't want me crying
When I asked for this to happen.

So I will go to sleep again.

I never thought I'd meet someone so intriguing.
He makes my mind go from so serious to dreamy.
It's fascinating how different, can be a good thing.
In a matter of time I was falling asleep,
To a song I'd never heard before.
It was called his laugh.
I'm so glad.

Silence...

Except for my fan.
All that I knew,
was sadness back then.
but these days are brighter
and bolder and more lovely,
back then I never would've guessed
I could be this happy.

I only wish I could tell the old me,
that things get better.

I'm here for all of you people that are feeling just as tired and exhausted from the saddening madness that I am always getting slapped in the face with. **I am here for you.

All of a sudden...
I'm really tired,
I want to go to sleep
but thoughts of you
    haunt me
they keep me awake.

I stayed up so late just to re-read
the things we talked about,
And laughed throughout
Each funny line you'd write.

To see your name in a blur
on my phone's screen,
It's not so bad to me.

to be able to pretend
you were laying right next to me,
I stayed up so late.

Leave me alone*
I removed you
from everything
for a *reason.
You're wondering
why- maybe you
should've paid
more attention.
My point being:
I'm better off
without you.
*Goodbye.

You're the one that I want,
you're the one that I need.
You're the one that I see
when I close my eyes and dream.

I don't want to be helpess anymore,
It was easier, I'll no longer ignore-
How I always asked your thoughts,
How I vented and never stopped.

The things I regret now feel more real,
I wish we just could've hung out;
Been normal friends,
but I was afraid to be myself.

I learned to stay down and not get up,
I'd pace my room in fantasies
Until I learned to que up
Validation felt like a drug

But now what I regret most
Is not giving you a hug,
Spilling my every thought,
And betraying you

Now you're gone

I just want to disappear sometimes.
shut the blinds, and roll over
until I can sleep no longer
I'm tired, of always worrying.

My face hurts from smiling
I just can't stop.
The things you say to me
Make my heart throb.

I can't tell if I'm nervous,
or happy or both
But I do know one thing,
Our love will continue to grow.

My heart aches,
And I love it.
My mind turns,
and it tosses.
My eyes yearn,
to see your smile...
though I'm hurting,
I know it's just for a while.

What am I afraid of?
Here is some sort of list,
I'm afraid of snakes, bugs, bats, birds, and nearly anything that can fly!
Those aren't the only things I'm afraid of that are also alive though.
I'm afraid of horses, piranhas, elephants and heights
Pregnancy, loud noises, hospitals and walking outside alone at night.
I could probably go on and on with this list because fear is somewhat infinite and I will
I'm afraid of loud noises, being left behind and the germs of childhood friends and others who could've smothered them on my pillow from drooling at night
I'm afraid of school, females, males, and people in general. Failing. Falling. Drowning and death. Who knew there could be so many things haunting me?
****. Bridges that are taller than me, being lied to, aging, and foods that are too spicy.. It may sound childish, just stay away from me if you're eating spicy calamari..


Did you think I was done? Because I've only just begun..
I'm afraid of situations, such as when people distance themselves from me too quickly. It ties into my fear of being left behind,
Don't abandon me.
I'm afraid of my mom, needles, parties and more it's mostly because of past experience, but I'll leave out the gore..

I'm looking outside of my cardoor's window to see the lights of a city and I can't stop myself from wondering where exactly you are inside of yours, what you're doing and whether or not you're wondering the same things as me, and I think tonight it might rain, everything I see is gloomy like the inside of my brain, I just want you to hold me and hear you say you forgive me but you're so far away. I guess I'll just have to wait, it's too bad that March comes before June because that's when the rain will truly start.

It's been so long
since a song
could make me cry.
my eyes were so dry,
For what feels like a long time.
My heart beats so fast
as this song escalates
and I hear it crash
It pulls me backwards
until I remember pain,
then twists me around
and reminds me
of when I could touch your face.

I want to remove you,
but I don't know how.
Things you say to me
tend to leave me feeling down.

You make me feel guilty
for things I shouldnt be.
but you make me happy
through the worst of things.

When I look into the past
and think of all we've been through
the good and the bad,
I feel mad.

I don't know what to expect
when starting new friendships
because ours has always been toxic.
Will you understand when I let you go?

I try to come down
when's he's not around, or sleeping.
I tried telling you once
and you said to just keep bleeding.

You don't understand or want to know
about how my wounds have deepened
I feel like I'm in the middle of a crowded street, screaming.
You wouldn't know about that feeling.

How I've wanted to jump off, into the deep end.
You lack the care that I so desperately want.
It often feels like you're just throwing out taunts.
Why do things have to be this way?

Isn't it sad
when the only person
you want to be near is
half way across the country
and they're tired of waiting
so they decide to come see
you because they'll be a tad
bit closer to you but you have
to go away on that particular day..
so now it's all over no more
I love you, goodnights..
"but I hope you're sleeping tight.."
no.. it's some kind of not-so-harsh
goodbye.. it's not beautiful either
it's a heart breaking kind of pain that
stays in a range of months to days.
So don't tell me you hope that I'm okay..
because I'm not going to be
not without you.

You keep me warm,
with you, things are good
I never feel cold with you,
even when I should

You hold me closely
with you, I feel safe
I want to stay with you, *always.

Oh, you want to talk?
It's been months now
I almost had forgotten
how you changed me,
                     *back then.

I throw my phone across the room
and scream as it shatters against the wall
how could you ever assume that I'd want
to see that content.. Tears easily escape my
eyes as I sit on the floor in distress and hide
my face in one hand. I hate you.  *Hate.

I'm getting hyped up on caffiene
and ignoring my problems just
kind of trying to forget about
everything that has happened
and everything that will.

I'm tired of feeling neglected
and turning my head away-
pretending that what you've
been saying hasn't made me
want to just set mysef on fire
and ignore my true desires.

I'm sick of running up into
my bedroom to escape inside
of my virtual worlds to ignore
the lectures my parents have
been screaming to me.

I'm so fed up with the fights
my best friend and I get into
they're pointless and make
me want to turn away but
I truly cannot because she
means too much to me.

I'm saddened and physically
effected by the way I think
and feel about myself. I'm
pretty sure if everyone
somewhat enhanced the way
they acted towards me I'd
simply crack. Shatter. Fall
to the floor in my own tears.
Because I do not deserve
such greatness nor do I
deserve the hate that I've
been recieving.

But maybe they'd be better off
if that were to happen, they
wouldn't have me around to
complain and dump my feelings
everywhere from the drain that
is my mind

The only person that I really
want to stay around for is
someone who I really adore
he is everything to me and
more, in fact I dream about
him a lot which is just lovely
like the smile that he shows
to me in pictures that I hope
will sooner or later become
mine, his, our reality.
He's amazing.

my eyes are red
as im laying in bed
im remembering what you said
so many thoughts of mine are left unsaid,

but i couldn't tell you why
even if i tried
sometimes it's just hard to decide
if these words I find sound just right.

I'm having a  
(b               t
        a
    l          s)
dancing all on
  m y   o w n
we were never
in the same show
and now I    

                       k
                         n
                           o
                             w
how much fun one
person can have **alone.

Grab me by my wrist and so tightly; I want you to pull me back into your life don't shut me out again please don't make me beg for your attention I just want to be held in your deepest comprehension.
All I know is I love you too much to not act out when you say you're going away I cannot bare to watch your shoulders as you turn around and walk the other way- the way that's away from me. An opposite direction that is in more than one way heart breaking do I really not mean anything at all to you? Is it so easy to turn around as the tears fill up my eyes and start to slip from my eyelids, is it really that easy- for you to say goodbye..

*If you were to ever really scatter I would probably shatter, please don't say goodbye.. anytime soon.

I start to tremble
and the tears come next
I haven't cried in a while
But when I miss you like this,
It's hard not to...

I'm so thankful to have such an understanding and loving character by my side.
Even when the wrath of the tides within me show, he listens and answers with healing words.
He always brings a smile to my face.

With you I was my true self,
Would always chase you around
Never wanted to fall down
But I'd follow you down

The space between you and me
Was always blurry only for me
It seems you never really knew
Just how close I was to you

It was toxic, it was bad
I didn't know it and now I'm sad
Every time I want to talk,
I stop myself and go for a walk

Every thought inside my mind
was yours to hear, I'd never hide
True friends shared everything
Was the message I received

But now everything is twisted
I don't know what was real
And was was scripted
My memories betray the realities

Even though we're far apart,
you're the one that holds the key to my heart.

I don't want to be without you anymore.
You were someone who evened out my scores.
I need you to stay by my side, no matter what.
Don't leave me alone tonight.

"I don't care if we're in some ****** *** apartment.
Laying on a worn out mattress."
With you, I don't have to hide.
I hate myself for taking so long to notice.

I'm sorry, the future wasn't my main focus.
But now I know I can make it.
But I only want to make it with you.
Don't say that we're through.

Take me with you.

After rereading what you said to me,
now for the seventh time...
I'm starting to wonder if I am like her.
She dumps all her problems on a forum
while I dump mine here.
It's true I once was sad enough to hurt
but I showed no one.
You were there during this time
do you not remember?
How dark I became...
You hold yourself high on a pedestal
and like to think you made me who I am today.
While you did take part in the little things
you did not make me.
All you've made me is negative energy,
little smiles in between didn't help anything, not really.

You're a heartbeat that's fading, in and out..

We've been through this so many times now...


You've hurt me, you've hugged me, and we never say goodbye.

I wish you'd tell me why you're the one, whom
my mind has been focused on for the past twelve
hours.

Why'd you choose the spell devour when you
locked in our friendship?

Was I only ever your prey?

I guess you wanted it to always work; to stick well.

And it obviously has, since I'm inside an eggshell that has your pictures all around the wall that has me trapped inside; forcing me to dwell.

I'm writing this so that you'll know I'm not going to anymore.

I'll forget you eventually and it'll all be laid out on the floor.

Even if the golden jellyfish are disappearing
I'll always have one with me.
The best one out of them all,
has never left or let me fall.
If I sank deep enough before,
their lake would've consumed me;
left me poisoned and faded.
but with him I'm unafraid
I'll drown in his arms
before I worry about pointless things.

I woke up flustered,
as I remembered
In my dream,
We were dancing in sheets
High on each other,
we created steam.

I'm completely comfortable, but I'm not.*

I'm sinking into my bed, under warm blankets with happy thoughts of us.
Until I remember... you're not beside me. My heart aches as I'm reminded of how comfortably uncomfortable I am. Knowing you're not holding me now, but you are.

Idiotic girl,
ranting in the form of a sentence
in this forum full of nonsense
about how an old friend
felt her up despite knowing
she has sexaul trauma issues...
but that's just her post today.
Tomorrow there will be something
else that actually triggers me,
but she doesn't care about that possibility,
does she?

I sit and wait for the call to begin
I ponder what I'll say
or if I'll learn anything
While the dread settles in

I don't like myself right now.
I see patterns and look for answers
I'll think I might be getting closer to closure,
but in the end, only  assumptions are found.

"Why do you need to know?" She asks me.
Because I feel like a well.
The Sun appears and I become dried out,
a storm rumbles in and I'm overflowing.

People visit me rarely
each time they do, I become more empty.
They come to me because they get something
They don't stop and sit with me, they want what I function.

Sometimes they paint me,
or add a layer to my shell
They might gift me an accessory
because for them, it will help.

It makes them feel better,
when how I look brings them comfort,
They think everything changed
But I'm still a well they never visit to connect.

I'm a well that sits on a hill,
They think I'm out of reach
but I'm here, left out
Someday I'll be the well that fell.

Empty house
yet noise
surrounds, me
funny how
the world
betrays me.