Be patient with me
I’m still a work in progress

Somedays I seem put together
But that paint’s not dry just yet

One day I’ll get this right
I’m sorry

It’s not that I want to hurt you
I just take my pleasure from the pain you feel

You’ll enjoy it too if you allow yourself
Stinging hot throbbing flesh feels so soft

Satisfy me with your agony
Crave my torture until you can no longer be in control

Be my willing victim

I always prefer the broken people of the world
Not because I want to save them
I am no ones white knight

Those people are more real
Their scars tell beautiful stories of triumph and defeat
They make me feel something more than just lost

The embrace you get from someone who is lonely
Will always be the most genuine  
I will never trade that away for cheap affection

Does loving more than one make me poly?
What if I just need to love the world?
Will she break my heart too?

I can’t help falling in love with people
I care too much sometimes… all the time
It’s my flaw or brain damage maybe

I won’t stop caring because that’s not me
I need to love the world and its broken inhabitants
My heart will forgive me later

My newest fear is learning to forget these lies
Wish me well

What was this spell you put on me bruja?
What were the words you spoke into existence?
The fire you lit still burns hot and deep
I wish we both could have tasted the flames
Before you slipped back into darkness to pay for your sins

Who am I?

Someone you loved
Or perhaps hated

Your friend
Maybe a lover

Some stranger on the street
Someone you dreamed of

Someone with piercing eyes
Or a forgettable face

I’m not really sure right now
But I’m still writing this story of me

I saw your face today in the crowd
I knew it wasn’t you
It couldn’t be because you’re not here

I miss you so much
I wish that I could hold you
And tell you that I love you

Somedays you feel more like a dream
Did I ever really feel your touch?
Or hear your tender voice?

Come back to me... even if only in a dream

Sometimes it’s just easier to be crazy
Than it is to deal with sanity

This clarity is painful
So I’ll find a substance to make it go away

Please don’t fall in love with me
I’m not someone to trust with your heart
I don’t even trust me with mine

Please don’t find me attractive
There are storms raging beneath this surface
Evil things dancing in fire and brimstone

Please don’t desire me
I’ll only let you down just like I do everyone else
I’m not what you want or need

Just keep looking... okay?

Trouble
Troubled
Troubling

Which one are you today?
I am that unholy trinity

Three in one… a triptych of suffering
Curse my name… mutter it under your breath

I will merely continue until my repentance is full

I see your flaws
Your sadness
Your past
Your problems
Your situation
The damage you’ve done
The hearts you broke
The pain you caused
The bridges you burned
The lies you told

I still love you though
That’s what love is
I forgive you… always
In spite of the pain I feel

Am I a bad guy if I break the rules
I don’t like being told what not to do
Let me learn … let me experience

Your laws are meaningless to me
I will find the loopholes
I will exploit the flaws in your logic

I can’t make myself not
It’s my compulsion
My need to wear the black hat

I will sneak in and see your secrets
Your protections can’t stop me
I will root you if I desire

I’m choosing our love
It’s not easy

My heart hurts like hell
It beats like thunder

I don’t know how we got so broken
Years of not giving enough

I’m sorry for all the parts I played
I hope we can fix this

Person 1:
So how was your long weekend?
Me:
Uhmmm great

Person 2:
Did you have a great holiday?
Me:
Yeah of course

Me:
Why do I lie to everyone?
Me:
It’s what we do so they don’t know we’re miserable just like everyone else is

*sigh

Fair is never fair
Not when one is a giver
And the other a taker
My point is invalid
My thoughts are not shared
I'll always say it's fine
And you'll just do what you want

Do you think like me?
Are we the same?
Our issues and confusing thoughts
Addictive personalities
Thriving on love
The thing we hate but crave nonetheless
Adventurous but scared
Scarred and depressed
But refusing to live that way
Could we be kindred?

I’ve given away all the pieces
Of my heart and my soul
Each of you carry me with you now
That way I know you won’t ever be alone
And maybe I can feel that way too

All of those cracks and chips
They intrigue me so

Tell me the stories of your scars
What caused those tear stains

Who broke you so beautifully?
I have to know because I care

You are a masterpiece
Don’t listen to anyone else

I keep those words locked inside my heart
Combinations of letters that I can’t let you see

They really aren’t that important to you anyway
But they mean so much to me

You are unsatisfiable unpleased and unhappy
Forever wandering
I’m done trying to be what you want
I’ve tried despite what you say

You may wander wherever you see fit
I won’t chase you any further
My heart has moved on to its next unattainable goal
Making myself happy

How do you feel
When you trained yourself not to
I’m sorry
I don’t want you to hurt
That’s not what I’m going for
I just **** up a lot
Forgive me now
And forgive me when I ***** up again
My imperfections run deep

The only thing I can’t escape.
My own worst fear.
What I don’t trust.
The one I wish wasn’t here.

When I met you I knew what the end would be
I knew this was temporary at best

People like us don’t get the fairy tale
Happily ever afters are for normal people

You told me all about your past
It was all too easy to predict your future

I accounted for everything in that moment
I accounted for everything except for my heart

I never meant to do this
Why did we fall in love?

At least we had us
Even if just for a breath of time

I have no qualms
I understand my place in your life
I never thought that I’d be a period
I just want to be the best semicolon you’ve ever had

Period

If love is for fools
And hate is for monsters
Where does that leave me?

Somewhere in between
Lost in this shuffle
Wandering between forest and sea

Not quite belonging to either
But needing to be with the trees
Someday I’ll grow my roots

I saw an owl once
It swooped down in front of my car at full speed
It flared it’s white wings and looked me in the eyes as I ran over it
I always knew it meant something because it shook me so bad

I saw an owl the night I went to see her
It flew across the road and looked back at me
It taunted me to remember his brethren that I killed
It planted itself again in my memory of remorse

I saw another owl again this morning
He didn’t even look at me this time
He just flew past me to remind me that they’re still here
Maybe they forgive me… maybe I forgive myself

If I confess my secret sins to the wind
Will they come back to haunt me?
When the storm clouds come rolling in
Will I hear once more the horrible truths I said?

“Maybe” said the wind “but you’ll finally be free
once the rains wash them away for good”

This quest for love… vanity
Trying for acceptance… vanity
Expecting fair treatment… vanity
Longing for friendship… vanity

Misery is the only constant I have
Death and misery and my vanity

I am the lamb
Lead me to the post you prepared
Tie me there tightly

Take your knife from its sheath
Plunge it deep in my neck
Drain me until there is no more

Love me while I perish

Maybe the sun will come out today
Maybe I’ll feel the warmth on my skin
Maybe my eyes won’t gloss over with tears from the light
Maybe I can go for a walk and just be happy
Maybe there is some hope left

I fell in love with a girl
10 years younger and full of problems
Me a married man
She the addict with a felons past

Her eyes are brown just like her soft skin
Her words they calmed my storms
Her hair once consumed with dreads
Smelled clean and feminine

Her past riddled with abuse and bad decisions
I secretly hoped I would be good for her
Somehow though she was good for me
She was what I had been looking for my whole life

I miss you now
Maybe I’ll see you again
I know we will never be
But I’m glad that at least we were

I’m struggling to stay afloat here
Lost in this sea of you and your emotions
The salt water spray stings my eyes
I need some fresh water before I die of thirst

I woke up at 3 AM but I didn’t want to open my eyes
I knew you weren’t there
You’d gotten up at some point while I slept to go see him
This bed and I are lonely and broken
This room and my heart are cold and not just because you left the window open

Words coming and going
Tame this beast in me
So many toxins
So much hurt to dispel
I must write the pain away

Those eyes are sad but they are strong
They’ve seen too many evil things
The horrible darkness from the souls of men
Unspeakable creatures of villainy

Mis ojos? Son triste pero son fuerte?

Si pero...

Those eyes are beautiful and pure
Those eyes are renewed from above
I miss those eyes gazing back at me
Piercing my armor and letting me be me again

Mis ojos? Son bonito y puro?

Si mi amor. Es verdad. Solamente creer.

Soy un cabrón siempre
Lo siento mi familia
Lo siento mis amores
Soy un hombre roto… soy nada
Solamente raro
Solamente roto
Solamente solo
Por que es mi vida dificil?
Porque yo.... solamente yo y amor (los dos)

I can no longer trust my heart
You have led me astray too often

I can no longer trust my brain
This barrage of confusion is too much

So I’ll be here where I lie
Heartless and thoughtless
Maybe I’ll be perfect now

The pen is unforgiving of mistakes
Its marks are long lasting
I can’t erase you... only scratch through parts
This story of us will always be there
Written in ink as a complete work

When I draw a beautiful picture though
I use a pencil so that I can change it as I go
Erase this part and add my shading there
Pencil on paper is fragile it smudges easily
You are art... not perfect but gorgeous to me

I appreciate both for what they are
And what they mean to me

I’m sorry it ended this way
It wasn’t what I wanted
It’s just what happened
Sometimes things fall into place
And sometimes people just fall
I miss you even though I shouldn’t

How can you look into another human’s soul and not be scared?
How can you see the darkness there and not have your hairs stand on end?
Why are you still here? Do I not frighten you?
Is my intensity and my pain not repulsive?

Can two broken people really make each other better?
Or are there just too many shards and sharp edges?

There’s something magical about 3AM
It calls me awake almost nightly

Sometimes I’ll sit outside then
Just to listen to the wind dance

It’s peaceful there in the calm
I can feel that peace in my soul

I don’t discount that comfort
Because it’s few and far between

There is a sweet familiarity with you
I know your hands and your face
I’ve seen them change as we age

If I close my eyes I can hear your voice
I know your words and how you say my name

There is a deep intimacy there
A long romance full of heartbreaks and highs

I miss the version of us that got along

My life is not what I wanted
Unmet expectations
Needs unfulfilled
My heart has grown cold

I need you to thaw this ice
Let the sun shine on my face
Warm my being
Before I destroy myself

Who am I today
Which personality has emerged from sleeping eyes
I don’t recognize this face
Or these mannerisms

Have I dissociated further
Shall I continue down this swirling vortex of psyches
How far can I or will I go
What evil things have I planned for myself?

I don’t fit in here
All these pretty people
Two kids and brand new cars
Their hidden depravity

Maybe your life has been happy
Maybe your family cared
My life has been pain
And my upbringing was scars

I can’t fake it like you do… I’m sorry

My feet weren’t made for running
There’s no escape from my self made troubles

But this face can always take a few more punches
They blend in with all my other scars

If only it was different…
If only we were a different us

Could we be happy then?
Or maybe misery will still rest on us like a bird

Sometimes I count the stars
I don’t know them by name
I’ve watched them my whole life
Somehow they don’t change
Even though I do

Sometimes I forget how much words hurt
The sting as they hit your ears
And the jagged incision they make to your brain
Then on to your heart

Even more often I forget that silence hurts worse
Your pleas and needs falling on deaf ears
The response of a muted tongue
It’s so hard to find my balance

When I was a kid I would carry a can of spray paint in my backpack
I always wanted to leave behind something that someone would see
Something that would make them stop and be enthralled
Something interesting... inspiring even
Something more than just the value of its creator

Maybe I haven’t changed that much