Am I a bad guy if I break the rules
I don’t like being told what not to do
Let me learn … let me experience

Your laws are meaningless to me
I will find the loopholes
I will exploit the flaws in your logic

I can’t make myself not
It’s my compulsion
My need to wear the black hat

I will sneak in and see your secrets
Your protections can’t stop me
I will root you if I desire

The great dragon hides away in her cave
Drunk on the beating hearts of her prey
Surrounded by the gifts of her worshipers

Her eyes burn red from the lack of peace
Her breath is sulfurous and fiery hot
Her tongue whips lashes with no remorse

I once pledged my loyalty to her
Gave her my heart and my soul
She scorched it just like the earth around her

My feet weren’t made for running
There’s no escape from my self made troubles

But this face can always take a few more punches
They blend in with all my other scars

If only it was different…
If only we were a different us

Could we be happy then?
Or maybe misery will still rest on us like a bird

This quest for love… vanity
Trying for acceptance… vanity
Expecting fair treatment… vanity
Longing for friendship… vanity

Misery is the only constant I have
Death and misery and my vanity

I’ve given away all the pieces
Of my heart and my soul
Each of you carry me with you now
That way I know you won’t ever be alone
And maybe I can feel that way too

When I woke up this morning
They said everything had started over
It was all brand new
But when I looked in the mirror
I saw the same tired eyes looking back
I put my hand to my chest
Just to see what I felt
No... still broken

I fell in love with a girl
10 years younger and full of problems
Me a married man
She the addict with a felons past

Her eyes are brown just like her soft skin
Her words they calmed my storms
Her hair once consumed with dreads
Smelled clean and feminine

Her past riddled with abuse and bad decisions
I secretly hoped I would be good for her
Somehow though she was good for me
She was what I had been looking for my whole life

I miss you now
Maybe I’ll see you again
I know we will never be
But I’m glad that at least we were

All of those cracks and chips
They intrigue me so

Tell me the stories of your scars
What caused those tear stains

Who broke you so beautifully?
I have to know because I care

You are a masterpiece
Don’t listen to anyone else

I’m sorry it ended this way
It wasn’t what I wanted
It’s just what happened
Sometimes things fall into place
And sometimes people just fall
I miss you even though I shouldn’t

I want him to hurt
Feel my pain you *******

Taste this bitter pill
Choke on it

You deserve my hate
You are my antithesis

You have made me crumble
Into this wretched man

You are me

I don’t fit in here
All these pretty people
Two kids and brand new cars
Their hidden depravity

Maybe your life has been happy
Maybe your family cared
My life has been pain
And my upbringing was scars

I can’t fake it like you do… I’m sorry

How many times
Have I put my knuckles through these walls?
Not enough times evidently
Because my blood still boils
Rage surging through contracting muscles
At least it was only the wall

I have words that I just can’t say
I’m not even sure if they’re true
The thought of them terrifies me

I keep them locked up in my head
Sometimes they get out and roam
Those are the days I’m afraid of the most

What would happen if I stopped and listened?

I am the lamb
Lead me to the post you prepared
Tie me there tightly

Take your knife from its sheath
Plunge it deep in my neck
Drain me until there is no more

Love me while I perish

I saw your face today in the crowd
I knew it wasn’t you
It couldn’t be because you’re not here

I miss you so much
I wish that I could hold you
And tell you that I love you

Somedays you feel more like a dream
Did I ever really feel your touch?
Or hear your tender voice?

Come back to me... even if only in a dream

If I confess my secret sins to the wind
Will they come back to haunt me?
When the storm clouds come rolling in
Will I hear once more the horrible truths I said?

“Maybe” said the wind “but you’ll finally be free
once the rains wash them away for good”

I saw an owl once
It swooped down in front of my car at full speed
It flared it’s white wings and looked me in the eyes as I ran over it
I always knew it meant something because it shook me so bad

I saw an owl the night I went to see her
It flew across the road and looked back at me
It taunted me to remember his brethren that I killed
It planted itself again in my memory of remorse

I saw another owl again this morning
He didn’t even look at me this time
He just flew past me to remind me that they’re still here
Maybe they forgive me… maybe I forgive myself

What has become of my heart
This constant flow of love and hate
Salt water and fresh spewing forth

I love you deeply but I hate you
I crave you madly but your touch repulses
I need you with me but I have to run away

How long can I pull myself both directions
One side must win but I don’t know how
We have divided me

Fair is never fair
Not when one is a giver
And the other a taker
My point is invalid
My thoughts are not shared
I'll always say it's fine
And you'll just do what you want

I wear these masks
Fake smiles
Pretending to care
Hiding my pain
My brokenness
Tucked away tightly
But still slipping through these cracks

How do you feel
When you trained yourself not to
I’m sorry
I don’t want you to hurt
That’s not what I’m going for
I just **** up a lot
Forgive me now
And forgive me when I ***** up again
My imperfections run deep

Maybe I’m not worth it
What you think about me is wrong

I’m not who I used to be
We aren’t us anymore

You think you know me
You know the memories of someone dead

Forget me and move on

No one will ever be ok overnight
Healing is a process
Processes take time

Time is irrelevant though
Stop watching the clock
Don’t look at your calendar

Just take a breath
Feel that air in your lungs
Keep doing that
Because somebody loves you... somebody

I always prefer the broken people of the world
Not because I want to save them
I am no ones white knight

Those people are more real
Their scars tell beautiful stories of triumph and defeat
They make me feel something more than just lost

The embrace you get from someone who is lonely
Will always be the most genuine  
I will never trade that away for cheap affection

My life is not what I wanted
Unmet expectations
Needs unfulfilled
My heart has grown cold

I need you to thaw this ice
Let the sun shine on my face
Warm my being
Before I destroy myself

You can’t make me be who I’m not
I will rebel from your demands
I can’t go along with your manipulation
I’ll chew it up and spit it back in your face
Please don’t force me
You’re setting me up to fail… again

The funny thing about how hearts work
Is that sometimes they just stop
Not really sure how to fix that part

There’s something about us
Something that shouldn’t have been
And yet something that had its own gravity

It pulled us both more than once
It was relentless and almost tiring
The seduction of it was undeniable

We fought it as best we could
It was like swimming against the current
Instead of just giving in to the passions

Two lost stars shining in the dark
Calling out with our muted voices
And that was how we found each other

I see your flaws
Your sadness
Your past
Your problems
Your situation
The damage you’ve done
The hearts you broke
The pain you caused
The bridges you burned
The lies you told

I still love you though
That’s what love is
I forgive you… always
In spite of the pain I feel

I hate it when you drink

All the times you punched me or
When you hit me with a rock and
Made my head bleed

I hate it when you drink

Those evil truths you speak
About how you really feel about me
That you just deny when you’re sober

I hate it when you drink

The way you throw yourself at me sexually
And get mad because I’m not interested
So you throw it at any other man that will pay attention

I hate it when you drink

The wedge you’re driving when you say
You’re gonna stop or slow down
And then you’re at it the next night

I hate it when you drink

You fell asleep with your hand on my abdomen
And somewhere while you writhed and contorted with sleep it felt like you reached inside me
I hope you found what you looked for because I hope it’s still there too

My indecision is deciding for me
I remain
Stuck in this place of purgatory
I remain
All dark with no light and sleep without rest
I remain
Both horns and halos but no devil or angel
I remain
Sailing from star to sea in celestial form adrift
I remain

Is it sane to question your sanity
Sometimes I wonder what real is

Am I? Are you?
Are my words landing somewhere?
Or did I just imagine it?

How many people did I hallucinate?
Can I trust my thoughts?
Or my memories?

What if this is all a dream?
Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow to something else
What makes real really real?

Maybe reality is just us responding to our own imaginations

I’m a coward
A liar
An adulterer
A fool
No one cares
Why should they
Paint my name in the skies
Turn the world against me
Maybe I’ll just keep surviving
It’s the only thing I’ve ever done well
Even then just barely

It’s just a ring I say
A symbol of something
No beginning or ending
A promise of love and acceptance
It used to mean so much
Seems like it’s just a ring today

Do you think like me?
Are we the same?
Our issues and confusing thoughts
Addictive personalities
Thriving on love
The thing we hate but crave nonetheless
Adventurous but scared
Scarred and depressed
But refusing to live that way
Could we be kindred?

Sometimes I count the stars
I don’t know them by name
I’ve watched them my whole life
Somehow they don’t change
Even though I do

If love is for fools
And hate is for monsters
Where does that leave me?

Somewhere in between
Lost in this shuffle
Wandering between forest and sea

Not quite belonging to either
But needing to be with the trees
Someday I’ll grow my roots

I’m not sick because of love
I’m sick because I have an emptiness
It’s where you fit perfectly
I need to tuck you in tight
Stay there forever in my heart

As I walk these dark streets
I’ve seen the faceless ones
Hiding in shadows
Beckoning me to join

I’ve tasted their powder
Felt it speed my pulse
And dilate my pupils
As I fade away slowly

Evil has gripped me tight
More than once I’ve fought
I keep my eyes ahead now
I must keep moving forward

Maybe the sun will come out today
Maybe I’ll feel the warmth on my skin
Maybe my eyes won’t gloss over with tears from the light
Maybe I can go for a walk and just be happy
Maybe there is some hope left

Hold your head up child
Don’t let the darkness **** you in
Be a light… burn brighter

Love more and worry less
Enjoy this life now
What will come later doesn’t matter

Refuse to dwell in the misery
These things are temporal
Live your life now

Trouble
Troubled
Troubling

Which one are you today?
I am that unholy trinity

Three in one… a triptych of suffering
Curse my name… mutter it under your breath

I will merely continue until my repentance is full

What was this spell you put on me bruja?
What were the words you spoke into existence?
The fire you lit still burns hot and deep
I wish we both could have tasted the flames
Before you slipped back into darkness to pay for your sins

The way this medicine makes me feel
It’s my reminder that my heads not right

I don’t think like you do
My thoughts are too fast and come with flames

My anger is swirling in there as well
Raging thoughts of self harm

My little pills dizzy those anxious thoughts
Slow them to a less frenetic speed

Put me to sleep and make me dream of peace