midnight and i'm still here
tapping out words in the hope
that i'll write something worthy
of reading.

the instructions aren't clear:
am i supposed to sleep
or work on word therapy
and...feelings?

i don't care now
just turn on tiktok
and i'll slip into my beloved
mind coma

All it takes
Is one look at
You and my heart is
Set off at
A million miles - per second.

The back of your head
Is enough to
Make my stomach
Twist in knots
For a few long hours. Plain giddy.

Well look at this,
Here I am
Perpetuating all
The stereotypes:
Welp, I think I fell

For my best friend - well done

Just know one thing,
Something before I leave:
This was never intentional,
Falling in love, being deceived.
I thought I could ignore it -
Push it to the back of my mind -
But it only grew, cultivated,
Leaving any sanity behind.
Just know one thing
Before you leave me forever:
I never meant to fall -
I didn't expect this feeling whatsoever.

It's time to write,
As in right now.
So write.
Right this second.
Do it.
Please.
Just write.
It doesn't have to be right - just write!
And now it's gone.
I'll write next time... right?

It's as if my mind awakens
Only when I try to sleep
Everything stirs and is shaken
And into my eyes seep:

The constellations, the films, the merging and surging feelings
The words, the songs, the sensations and conversation peelings
They build and build: piles of molten wax
When all I want is my body and mind to just relax.

Like static, the thoughts do nothing but build and charge
Like in a growing balloon, the exerted forces get so **** large
Pressure in balloons is what we learn in school
Pressure in my mind is what I learn in my sleep pool.

if i could sing you a billion love songs,
baby, i'd be on replay;
i would never stop singing and humming,
serenade til the bad goes away

Scorched skin and broken nails
This love makes me so **** frail.
Inked-on stars and shaking fingers
My heart thrives on these lurches and twinges.

The number of worlds that exist
Just inside my mind
Is enough for someone to insist
That there is a mistake in my design.

They stir and they shake,
Yet nothing can compare
To when you smile for my sake
Or run a hand through your hair.

When I'm with you I feel
As if I'm in the imaginary;
I forget that it's real,
Not crafted by the words in me.

It's only when I think back,
When I am trying to sleep,
That I remember it's not mind crack;
That I might be in too deep.

i don’t ever listen
to anything you say.
i can’t help it
when your smile turns my way.

how do you expect me to hear
the words you’re directing to me,
when a laugh accompanies it
and it’s all i can see?

Tell me a time
U needed me
A time u grabbed ur phone
2 text me.

Have u ever rung me
In the depths of the night
Just to hear my voice
In the darkness?

U could say u had
U could tell me u need me
But I’d see our messages
Or rather, my messages:

The lines and lines
Of my words,
Calling ur name,
That go on for miles.

Punctuated by one of urs
A smile :)
Or a word
And nothing more.

How can ily
When u never respond?
How can I be obsessed
When there’s nothing:

No message
For me to obsess over.
Ily
But u never,
ever reply :(

Vines wrap round their trees until
There is no bark left to see.
Flowers will drink and get their fill
But too much and it's a tragedy.
Often when a storm's too strong
Away any foundations are blown
And are lost to the winds for much too long -
Won't you please leave me alone?

The weeds strangle the neighbour roots
Of flowers just trying to bloom
They quell the reach of nearby shoots
Til they are driven to their doom.
Locusts once came and blocked the light
And blood drowned the rivers red.
Why won't you see that we are not right
And you should find someone else instead?

They asked me how I knew
That I loved only you.
Do you know what I said?
The first thing that came to my head?

I told them you're like lo-fi indie
One tear and you're there for me
Waiting to sing and help me through
One hour in your arms and I'm back to new.

And, like the music, you fill out the edges
The sharp that cut up my senses
You pad them out and soften them up
So when I fall, I don't feel so struck.

If you see this note
I want you to know
It's not my fault
If love is starting to show.
So when I flinch at your touch
It isn't because of a crush
You just...made me jump.
When my cheeks go red
After you touch my leg
I'm not flustered, but...just something else instead!
It's just sugar and veins
that make me feel like I'm fizzing
And it's just habit
To hold your hand when I see you
...
Maybe I'm wrong and I do love you
Is that what I'm supposed to say?
Would that take these thoughts away?
But it's not like there's anything I could do
It's not like just this note would get all my thoughts through.

I wish I’d never learned the word hate

I hate the wind for making me cold
I hate the idea of time and growing old
I hate it when the corner of books have a fold
I hate myself for becoming a mould

Yes, I’m a mould - I change people like clay
Which, I guess, I do every day
I don’t tell anyone what to do or say
But somehow I have guided them in every single way

If you told me we had a long day ahead
I’d say I’d rather be back home in bed
If you told me a small bad thing a stranger had said
I would hate every single hair on that man’s head.

I’m certain that by now
The windows are all steamed.
There could be dust on my towel
But I sit here picking at my own seams.

The soap bottle is lying on the side
Watching with hatred from its huddle
As I stare at my hands and try to hide
My stomach with flannels and bubbles.

I squash the buds between my fingers
While hair clings to the skin of my back.
I scrub at the writing that still lingers
Faded to blue from black.

I remember only ink and tingling
And you smiling against a classroom blur
Our hands entwined, my concentration dwindling,
Who knows in what world we were?

I’m just scrubbing veins now the pen has gone.
I wonder why you even let me exist
In your world. Tell me, am I withered and worn?
If you kissed me- Ha would you ever kiss this?

I can still feel the ink prints etched into my skin.
Will they ever fade away?
No; the phantoms in the water always win
And I can’t help but listen to everything they say.

Maybe our souls
Are split in two
And happiness
Is when they are friends
Perhaps
The day I was born
Some of my soul
Was inflated with helium
And rose up up
Up to the
Atmosphere
Always watching its other half
And when I am happy
When I feel
I am floating
It is when
The half on the ground
Finally makes connection
With my satellite Soul
And when this feeling fades
When I am centred and flat
And neutral
The souls have lost
Signal
If so
The signal connected
Today
And my halves
Both heavy and light
Are friends again.

I wonder
What it is like
To be still.

It must be lovely
Not always shifting in your skin
And mind as well.

Is it even possible
To have that in this time?
Who can tell?

I don't know
But I hope one day
I will - you know, be still...

'I am afraid to own a body'!
And yet - here I am
It's strange: am I somebody?
Or just a lone vessel that can?

Winds ever shifting -
dark on into light
   This feeling won't be lifting,
no! No, not this night.

   Winds ever shifting -
this..this can't be right
   My mind won't stop drifting -
it'll last forever, won't it?
   This Godforsaken flight.

I am drifting
A very lonely course.
Winds ever shifting,
My voice continues hoarse.
With the words
I will never say
And the herds
I shepherd every day.
It's time to awaken
But here I lay
Because those winds -
All they do is shift away.

Blood rushes
When you walk in the room

Sweat beads
When your shadow starts to loom

Tears vanish
Now you're down in your tomb.

Climb that hill
My teachers said
When they saw the words on the page

I climb the hill now
With the words in my head
And a notebook as my stage

so many worlds
whisper
and i can't keep them at bay
now they're starting to get
bigger
and my words are only half
of what they want to say

I am falling in flowers
I am filling with flowers
I am always falling and filling - Flowers

Don't take my flowers
I need my flowers
Please, they're my flowers
Don't take and break my flowers!

Must you look at me
The way you do
When I am falling asleep?

It's all I can see
The green and the blue
And I know that I'm in too deep.

it won't be long
this time won't be too long
i promise it will not last forever.

but somewhere deep inside
wrapped in the darkness of my insides
i enjoy this mental desert - or whatever

You know, I love you to the farthest
Galaxy in our wide universe
And no scientist knows how far that is
No matter the distance they traverse.

I will love you til the sun turns white
And the stars begin to fade.
And when that time finally reached us
I'll even love you for a few more decades.

Wrap my wrists in silver
And see what I do.
I saw the girl and shot her;
You want me to shoot you too?

Throw on the jacket,
Surround me in white,
I'm still going to escape it.
So come and join the fight.

is this
what it feels like
to be a fossil
in the making?
to have pebbles,
sand and grit
swept slowly
on top of me.
not to mention
the crushing
and deafening
of miles of water
pressing it all down
to bury me.

but sometimes
sometimes there's
relief and light
when someone
digs through the
weight to reveal
the shadow of the
creature that once
lay there.
but then that husk
is reduced to
cinders in a mountain
of others.
and i guess you could say
that 'power station'
is adulthood.
or life.

There was a girl,
She’s gone now,
Who lived and breathed
Imagination and life,
(Aren’t they the same thing?).

She saw the house down the street
And thought it a monster
Never that it was replete
With the emptiness  
An innocent bungalow will foster.

Air was to her
As glass water that sings
About its giggling spring
And she would awaken
At its dance upon her skin
As she breathed it all in.

The air is now
As water, grey like mercury,
That dampens what the eye can see
And it is chagrin
That is awoken
At a world so forsaken.

Nietzsche was mistaken
When he proclaimed
Our God as dead.
It’s the vision and
Stories for which we used to aim
That expires instead.

One life, it's a world with one just life.
And here you are in my life,
Telling me to be brave and live a good life.
But now it's too late and there's a knife
In his hand and he's full of pride
He's at your side
Better luck in another life,
He slides the silver into my wife.
I tried, I tried, I tried
But they all lied.

I don’t tell you
Because I’m scared
I don’t tell you
Because it’s something
That needs to be shared, right
This minute
I’m not hiding and
I’m not lying
If I don’t tell you
This part of me.

But
I will tell you
Because I want to
And because it’s
Always there.
Like how I
Would tell you
You’re my best friend
Or how I would tell my
Family I love them.

It’s there
And it’s clear
Perhaps not to you
But to me
And I’m saying it
So you and I can see
Just that bit
More clearly.

Every day the delirium grows
That our actions don't change our fate.
It's only the scarce few that know
That what we do determines Earth's expiry date.

The more forests that we set ablaze,
The weaker our planet gets.
The more companies that say that it's only a phase
The more people begin to forget

That countless children
Are failing to see a future
Countless children
Have never seen the beauty of nature.

But if we stand together
And we don't fall apart
Everything, we will weather
And a change we will start.

Countless humans
Are begging for a planet to live on,
So countless humans
Must stand up and be relied upon
To make that possible for their fellow brothers,
Sisters, friends and everyone who suffers.

Your wings, they whisper,
When my mind dwindles,
The words in my heart they kindle
And I fin'ly speak to her.

Your eyes, honey and cream,
Urge me to her room
Beaming in delight through the gloom,
Faltering faithfully when I scream.

Your hands, they hold me close,
When I wish to fall,
But now I see through it all,
Your beautiful serpents and crows.

You, Lucifer, smile,
In soft sympathy,
Dark in the light of infinity,
And I find,
Watching her body under your eyes glow,
That your seven rings, I don't mind,
Because I know
That, in helping my love grow her wings,
To heaven you will go.

It starts with his beautiful bright blue eye,
So steady and sure as the wings flutter and sigh.
They keep watch of the life below,
The nectar and the flowers that grow
A forest of colours, red to indigo.

Now, when the eyes shutter and blink,
The flowers look up and they think,
'Here is our dazzling friend,
Come here to dance and defend,
And to our gardens tend'.

Here, it whispers to a mother and child
Remembering all the times that they smiled
To each other and held hands
To help the child thrive and withstand
The winter's harshest command.

The mother waves and the child shakes
In excitement and down fall the flakes
Of yellow but quickly goes the protector
Gathering the pieces and the nectar
And hurrying back to inspect her.

Often people suspect that this pest
Eats the flowers and destroys their nest
But little do they know of why
The mother flower strokes the pest's eye.
You see butterflies don't just flutter by.

They have a duty and a burden
To protect the flowers of their garden
And see that everything is safe and sound
Down there on the ground.

What I want
Want more than anything
Isn't a castle on a cloud
Or a palace and king

It's my life as it is
Only extended beyond years
It's my life like this
Minus all the fears

A place where I don't have to build up my armour
A place without this international drama
No climate change or ****** media
No wars and no 'Corona's newest feature'

So it's no castle on a cloud
And certainly no palace and king
I want a world with peace
That's what I want more than anything.

Roses bloom
When summer comes to call
But aren't we forgetting,
In spite of its strength,
The petals still fall.

The summer hides
When roses turn sour
We mourn the loss
Of its delight and threat
But it's still just a flower.

Now roses bloom
On your shirt and, Doll,
All the summers in the world
Couldn't make your flower of blood
Worth it all.

It's not your smile that makes my day
Or your laugh that lightens my heart
I could tell you I love you in every way
Or that your eyes are works of art
But honestly it's when you look at me and say
Is Parks and Rec about to start?

Too much algae in a lake
Or rotten leaves in a puddle
They keep me awake
Evertrapped in this bubble
Of worry and exhaustion
Loneliness and doubt
I swim and they churn
And I can't get out
I can't get out
I can't get out of the grave I'm in
Is this really how it's always been?
Doesn't matter now; I've nothing to do
Except claw at the leaves and hope I get through.

I see those people
Far, far above
I was never like them
So drunk on love.

So now I'm here
As I look up at the sky
Watching, green-eyed, cause the
Lucky f**ks get to die.

We see the clouds and the fiery pits
And we hope for our chance to fly.
But we are never fully certain
Of where we go when we die.

You see those people
Far, far below?
We were once just like them
Eating what we grow.

But now we're here
Up in the sky
And they can't wait to see
The place they go when they die.

She didn’t do it
I scream I scream
She couldn’t have done it
What do you mean

They show me the pictures
The pictures of her
They are the pictures
Of her in her fur

She’s a fashionable girl
They say to my cries
Must have gotten it from you
But the pictures are lies

I refuse to believe
Believe that she did it
There’s no **** way
They wait outside a bit

They’re wrong so so wrong
She’s not a murderer, doesn’t even own a ****
No she’s not the criminal in this family
I’ll prove them wrong, prove it was me

The kitchen drawer opens, no time to smile
I walk past the table, walk past the file
I slit the knife across
No apologies; it’s their loss

Fit
Wit
Ze
Taxi
Forming these words
Like we formed our
L-O-V-E

Vent
Sent
Yo
Foh
Every letter so carefully chosen
Like every word is so carefully spoken
Put a tile there
Win a smile here
The game is oh slow
But it reveals the words we long to let
G-O

L
O
V
EYE
  O
  U

Stop with 'you better come here now'
Stop with the 'who what when where and how'
Don't bother trying to break this vow
I think it's fin'ly time for you to take your bow

You haven't said a word
Yet I can still hear your voices
Wrapping round my world
No, I've got no more choices
But to do what you say
Coz I fear the pain is never gonna go away

Don't you think it's strange
How easily my moods can change?

From temperamental, sad and all that
To laughing and happy in a second flat.

Sometimes I wonder
If it's a different person coming up from under.

Because that's the only thing that can explain
How I go from smiling to a world of pain.

Sometimes
Through these suffocating thoughts, I plunder,
Loosening the grip that my mind is under.
People see but never see
The person hiding inside of me.
So I slacken the knot
Because perhaps I have a shot
At floating free, at last unpinned,
Becoming the shadows, secrets and wind
So I can let things be.
All just so that sometimes
I am not stuck inside of me