she holds my hand in her palm
cradling it gently
as she cleans
the wounds she reopened
again
on my calloused paper skin.
The giver birth
and
the harbinger of my death,
embraces me in crocodile tears.
"Who is she?" I am asked
and in a cracked voice bandaged with promises,
I answer;
"she is my mother."

If that was a blast of love
I’d hate to see your hate.

Your blunt, forceful love
comes from fear,
rains in blows,
and leaves me -
smaller, sadder,
reactive—
reeling for equilibrium.

All of the above.
Alone.
I feel so alone.
I wish I had that emotional support some girls talk about with their moms
I feel like she’s there but not there
Im just here
I wish I can go to my mom for a hug
I wish I can go to my mom for advice
I wish I can talk to my mom
I wish I had a different mother
I feel so alone

It starts with his beautiful bright blue eye,
So steady and sure as the wings flutter and sigh.
They keep watch of the life below,
The nectar and the flowers that grow
A forest of colours, red to indigo.

Now, when the eyes shutter and blink,
The flowers look up and they think,
'Here is our dazzling friend,
Come here to dance and defend,
And to our gardens tend'.

Here, it whispers to a mother and child
Remembering all the times that they smiled
To each other and held hands
To help the child thrive and withstand
The winter's harshest command.

The mother waves and the child shakes
In excitement and down fall the flakes
Of yellow but quickly goes the protector
Gathering the pieces and the nectar
And hurrying back to inspect her.

Often people suspect that this pest
Eats the flowers and destroys their nest
But little do they know of why
The mother flower strokes the pest's eye.
You see butterflies don't just flutter by.

They have a duty and a burden
To protect the flowers of their garden
And see that everything is safe and sound
Down there on the ground.

My mother, mommy, mom
You were my person,
My sun and moon and stars,
The superwoman who made everything good happen
and the one I blamed for any bad that happened
My little sister and I only had you
the three of us
in cahoots or at odds
the bond was the foundation
until I built my own.
Your smile, a vivid memory
your laugh an echo in my heart
my hands look like yours and if I clasp them together
I can pretend we are holding hands again
closing my eyes
inhaling your scent of Patchouli
how did it feel to be enveloped in your arms?
Soft and safe and peaceful
when I was little
before my teenage rebellion
when I pushed farther away
how many times did I break your heart?
Each time you forgave me
silently,
without reproach,
unconditionally.

you and i
driving down the highway
i swear we could fly
with you behind the wheel

the pictures littered the car
like anxious petals fallen too soon
desperate pleads for a love
i could not express to you

steady hands on the wheel
you whisked me away
to a little burger place on the interstate
where for a moment we escaped

the rush of it all
the pain of it all
when i felt safe
to fall into you

eyes glued to the dot
amongst trees and cars
yearning to keep this spot
that, only briefly, we called ours

Golden Strands
of hair glisten
like honey

Soft, solace scent
of an old home

Goose feather pillows
Blue veins disguised
inside cautious hands

Embrace me, radiate warmth
And with the utmost careful placement
of glasses on her nightstand

once again.

My life,
a well constructed template.

I leave it to her
to follow at will
and check me off of.

Sara Fielder © Feb 2020

Mama,

I'm just a little girl.

You make me happier than anything else

With the books that you read me

The smiles you give me

The warmth of your body

As I sit on your lap

My downy blonde head

Rested, listening to the heartbeat

That lulled me to sleep

In your womb.

You tell me,

"Madison,

You are my sunshine."

You're mine, too

So I bring you

Pictures I drew

Purple weeds that I picked from the yard

Smiles

Flashing love, optimism

With my crooked baby teeth.

I love you, Mama

I do.


Mama,

I'm not a little girl.

I like boys

And have opinions

And bleed

Just about every month now.

I roll my eyes

And speak my mind

And disagree.

I want to read those few books

You don't think that I'm ready to read.

I make you cry now

Almost as often as I make you laugh.

I remind you of the sharp, dangerous bits

Of your own adolescence

With all the added danger

Of my Daddy's set ways.

I'm sorry, Mama

I am.

I can only become a woman

In the ways that you teach me.

I love you, Mama

I do.


Mama,

You know I'm your girl.

I might have Daddy's face and sense of humor

But it's you and I

Talking about our respective friends

As we work in the kitchen

You on the main course

Me on dessert.

We laugh

And sing along to Courtney Love's mad howls

No matter how much everyone else winces in response.

Let me tell you a secret, Mama:

I don't want to grow up anymore.

I feel safe here

Always at home

As long as I'm with you.

I love you, Mama

I do.


Mama,

I'm still just a little girl.

It scares me to death

To see you hurt

When there's nothing I can do

To ease your pain.

Part of me wants to do

What you did for me:

Tuck you into bed

With a hug

A kiss

A ginger ale.

"Sleep tight

Night-night

Don't let the bed bugs bite.

Sweet dreams

Love you

See you tomorrow."

I want to **** this ******* cancer

Eradicate it

From you

And every man, woman, and child

Who's ever fallen

Into its hideous grip.

I don't want to ever have to leave your side, Mama,

Wouldn't do it

For anything in this world.

I'm sorry

For any nasty thing

I could have ever said to you.

I'm sorry

If the stresses

Of a single moment

Or years' worth of them

Ever stole a little bit of joy

From you and I.  

I love you, Mama

I always will.


I'll do anything

If it means we can take each other's hands

And kick this thing's ***.

Tendrils, memories cascade a stormy mind
Now where did I leave my pride
Forgotten now, a pearly shell on a distant shore
My death will be fierce, I am not afraid to die
But pain, well I’m drowning in it
And I can barely tolerate saying hello
To my dear friends, my loving family
Just tell them to go away and take the pain with them
I’m floating now, ****** clouds waft across an indigo sky
Listen to the echoes, a song from long ago
“Georgia on My Mind”
My heart flutters, I am 17, I meet my first love
Exhilaration, freedom, I can be anyone, anything!
The pages of time, turn swiftly now
Feelings fall away like confetti
I am angry, I am happy, I am sorry, I am sad
I am more and sometimes I am less
Through it all I am me
I will not let cancer take me away from me
For I have you dear lord
and I know there is more
Dear Lord, send my sisters Rose and Bella to get me
Tell them to bring Goldie, my dear dog
I am ready
Just got to sort everyone else out before I go