Breathe in, breathe out.
Dripping oil underneath my tongue.
Watch it repel the grey clouds.
Breathe in, breathe out.

I am bold, courageous, brave.
I can see the ripples of my actions and
I’m no longer scared, but curious again.
I am powerful, flexible, safe.
I am a life and I have influence,
And I can finally see what’s been taken.

This is who I was underneath the blindfold, the clouds.
Let the sun shine and let the light pierce my bones.
I can get what I want when I want it
Because the chains are undone
With a few drops
Underneath the tongue.

Must you count the creases on my forehead
For you to believe me?
Must you see my blood?
Must you see me crawling on my hands and knees
Towards your feet
Grovelling against stone and mud?

"See it to believe it,"
You hear it and still can't perceive it.
Must it be an object?
Must you be able to hold it? Feel it?
Must I give it to you so you can keep it?
Analyse it? Question it?
Will all that finally make you believe it?
Believe that this sorrow is real?
Believe in this pain I feel?
And what will happen then?
After you have seen me naked?
Will all that finally be enough
To pay for a hug,
To rent out a bit of your love?

Can’t you see me crying?
Flames gnawing at my skin?
Can’t you hear my belting cries
Deep from the underbelly,
From the darkest depths within?

How much longer must you hide from
That which you’re not willing to address?
You put on a mask in your own home,
You cannot see what is amiss.
Must I spell it out for you?
Must I make it painfully clear that I am suffering?
Baffled by the change in behaviour,
You point the finger at me and say
I am to blame!
Is there no introspection on your part?
No patience when asking questions?
No curiosity when seeing my pain?
No time. No time at all.
No proof to hold,
My struggle must be in vain.

Nothing.
I get nothing from you.
No warmth.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
So cold, cruel, callous.
I cry I cry
I make puddles, pools,
Still you won’t believe me.

Who is to heal
This broken heart?
Who is to save
My sinning soul?
Who is to tell me
Right from wrong?
Who is to fill
This gaping hole?

And when I search for an answer
I get an answer alright,
But it’s never so simple.
I’m maybe only a little lost
But I’m still lost alright,
Deluded until I’m exposed.

But I’ve made my resolve
I know what I must do.
But the tide and the winds
Keep shifting my view.
And now look at me,
Look at me and you,
Miles apart,
Nothing like the start,
Is it too later to turn this around?
Am I too high up to come back to the ground?

I want to be loved,
By both man and by God.
I want to feel it in my bones,
I want to feel it in my heart.

You say this is a test.
When I sleep I do not rest.
I can’t say I’m doing my best
When the wind takes hold of my chest.

So tell me what to do!
When my desires push from you!
I am not fit to lead my hand!
I am weak,
The epitome of man!

For as long as I live
I will struggle.
There’s no longer a living model.
And my nature will see it’s limits.
It’s a mercy,
When all there’s left are minutes.

So tell me what to do!
When my desires push from you!
I am running out of time!
I’m turning my heart blind!
So save me from myself.
Save me from my kind.

Could you separate life
From the living,
The scripture
From the pope?
The teacher
From their history
Could you find that glimmer
Of hope?

Could you forgive
Betrayal?
If not
Do you have a limit?
Could you see weakness
And still
Accept it?

What if it never amends
Or if it’s never acknowledged?
Could You forgive and forget a broken promise?
Could you trust?
Could you be trusted?
Could you fix what is broken
Without the knowledge?

Maybe you could
If you had to choose between
Losing a part of yourself
And losing something dear to you.
Or if you had to choose between
Being alone
And forgiving someone who has wronged you.

And could you
Accept an apology
Of someone who
Has done something
They could never take back?
Could you accept an apology
For a pattern
Occurring behind your back?

I will not be walked all over.
I will not be taken as a fool.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
But
What you did to me,
To us,
Was nothing short of cruel.
And I don’t know if you mean it
When you said you were sorry
Or you’re only sorry
Now that you can’t hide
The consequences,
Now that I have to
Deal with this
For the rest of my life.
And I love you,
But
If forgiveness means
To trust you one more time,
I wouldn’t be able to lie.

Do you still not know
Who I am after all these years?
Was it my fault for not telling you
Or for you never asking?
Did I deceive you because
I was reserved?
Did it ever occur to you that
I could be suffering in silence?
Yet let me ask again
Do you still not know me after all these years?
What am I to you
Who am I to you
What do I seem like to you?
Because you are baffled by my reaction
To your cold shoulder
Your blunt response
Telling me to deal with it
On my own
Like I’ve always done.
And I don’t know
If you can see
What it is you’re doing
But you’re making this
So much harder for me.
And I wonder
Do you still not know
Who I am after all these years?
And yet these tears
These familiar tears
Glide on my cheeks
Reminding me that I’ve always been
Deeply lonely.
Deeply.
And when I make a noise
It’s like no one listens
It’s like I’m in a dream
And you’re all in a daze,
And I’m not sure
If it was me who dug this
Deep dark grave.

He wants to **** the scholar’s daughter;
Puppy-dog eyes by the end of the night,
Breathy voice, inching closer,
“How can a girl like you be a ******?” He whispers.
Lust overtakes his sight.
He says things he shouldn’t say,
It doesn’t sound right.
He must want to do it at any cost
Because he asks for her price
Like he has a mission to fulfil
By the end of the night.

He wants to know the kind of jewellery she wears,
The kind of positions she’ll take,
And how far she’s willing to go with a man.
He asks her her boundaries,
But he isn’t willing to understand.

Night-time clouds judgement,
In daylight he seemed weak and meagre.
I see the looks you steal from the corners of your eyes.
I see your lust, your desire
Begging me to compromise.
You must’ve thought I was just some *****-
You must’ve been surprised I was this polite.
You must’ve thought that I’d let you do as you please without putting up a fight.

So what was I supposed to do?
Give myself up to a guy who’d just ridicule my philosophy?
To a guy who’d get me to pay for his lunch?
No “thank you”, no “sorry”?
To a guy that would hit me hard,
Or grab the back of my neck,
Just to show that he has power over me,
And then laugh like he’s teasing?
Was I meant to give myself up to someone who ‘jokes’ about ******????

I wonder,
Did he think he was ‘alpha’,
‘Tough’,
And ‘strong’?
I bet with how I acted,
He thought he had me wrapped around his finger all along.

And I was out her trippin’
Over being desired and liked.
I overlooked his flaws,
Told myself: “he could change,
One day he might.”
I said this knowing
He was a giant talking red flag
And I gag at the type of girl
I was made out to be.

I lusted for you,
And waited for you to text me.
I baited you, and butterflies flew when you said you missed me.
I wanted you,
Wanted you to hold me,
Kiss me,
And we did all that,
But it meant nothing without security,
And it’s not worth selling my dignity.

I want to go
Somewhere far away
Where neither the rays of the sun
Nor the shadows of darkness can reach me.

Rip this skin of mine,
The confines of these structures,
Failed and toppled,
Never renewed.

The mirrors show a pleasant sight,
One I cannot portray.
So I wonder what you see
In the glass shards inside your pupils?

Running away,
From what?
Myself?
Where can I go?
At the end of the day, where can I go?
It would be no different,
Whether in green or in blue,
I’ll stand alone and petrified
Of all I have to lose.

Flesh is torn in monotone,
Hairy needles as legs pegs onto white
Sticky string,
Sharp fangs dipped in poison
Sink through flesh and *****
And crush bones with a sting.

It is **** or be killed out there in the nature you worship.
The cruelty adds to the beauty of a deep red sunset.
Vicious waves add to the elegance of an ocean,
So don’t forget  
That while you turn a blind eye to
The things you don’t like,
You tell yourself a half truth
(A good lie),
It is the perspective which alters sight.

Perhaps it’s more comforting to see
The sun as a beacon of light instead of
An orb in cruel fire,
But if you can see both,
Maybe you’ll find hope in hopelessness,
Or you’re humbled by thoughtfulness,
and maybe you’ll see the
Nature of life for what it truly is.

Pleasure,
Is it a god?
Pain,
Is it the devil?

Given the wrong circumstances,
They can both be evil.
Then what is it I rely on
To help me differentiate between right and wrong?

Time,
Is it eternal?
Health,
Is it reliable?
And when things don't go to plan,
Are my consequences inevitable?
Then what is it I can count on
That's been unchangeable all along?

Will,
Is it sturdy?
Relationships,
Will they keep swaying me?

And when pain,
Pleasure, time and health test me,
What is it I can rely on to keep me steady?

Why,
I feel like a kite on a single string,
The string is a hand stretching out from a deep sea,
The hand is a lever with the note:
"Pull me!"
And I hold on and it may be fine,
But relationships,
Will, health, time, pain and pleasure
Eventually rot and turn bitter
And they let me go
And I am reminded of how
Lost I truly am...
In this vast ocean...
In this wide space...
I am reminded that in this world,
Nowhere in my mind is safe;
I used to ridicule that which I cannot see or feel,
But there was nothing of this world that was real.
All of my idols
Left me,
Scathed.
And all that’s left to
Hold on to
Are the ideals of hope
And faith.

Take it all out onto the world
And punish the innocent bystander.
Hold the gun up to yourself,
And catch them in the crossfire.

Must I remind you
That there is mystery in the love that you seek?
There are delusions in the secrets that you keep.

Take your philosophy as scripture
And crucify the heretic.
Indeed, you've become somewhat of a prophet but
You get revelations from ego,
And I am wondering,
How far are you willing to go?

How amusing for a clump of clay to make so much waste,
For a cluster of atoms to take up so much space,
For a speck of dust to be so loud!

Misery loves company,
And you've got yourself a whole crowd!

Misery loves company,
And you have made it your life's mission
To make the miserable proud.

It has finally become clear,
And you have released all doubts from my mind.
Even though I still love you,
We are incompatible once
We compare our skeletons.
You do not understand me,
But I understand you fully,
And I understand that you don’t
Understand yourself entirely.
Thus you do not know me and
I doubt you would be so kind once you do.
I do not wish to say goodbye,
But my soul has already left and
Our umbilical cord was cut
Once you trivialised that which is
Central to me
And I do not blame you,
Nor do I hold a grudge,
Because I understand you fully:
You preach love and compassion and
Yet you lack comfort and wisdom,
It is because you see through other eyes and not with them.
I still love you,
But it’s time I moved on towards the
Things which reflect my being
And are compatible once
We compare our skeletons.

You have overstayed your welcome,
Oh entity of past lives not lived.
Your stench of decay still lingers
And seeps from my fingers.

Abandon me old skin,
You have become nothing but the skeleton of past sins
Haunting me when I am most vulnerable.
I’ve befriended an enemy and
In turn, I have become intolerable.

Yes, I have been the oppressor.
I’ve whispered, I’ve swayed, I’ve lusted, I’ve preyed,
And although I have one foot out of the door,
Old friends whisper to me,
“Come on, how much can it really hurt
If you did it once more?”

Is there a feeling worse than regret?
Knowing you’ve done something against yourself and only you are to blame?
What’s more poisonous than being able to live and relive the events of the past?
Than being able to see the rippling effects your actions have?
I cannot imagine anything worse
Than to be stuck in my own body
Than to experience myself so intensely
Knowing what I did
Knowing who I hurt.
I cannot imagine anything more frustrating
Than making mistakes and then knowing
How I could have done better and
Realising the limits of my own cognition
And the stupidity of my own ego.

I ask myself why
But the question only drives me mad.
I spit at my own reflection and
Cower into a corner and long for
A few seconds of non-existence.
I am ugly,
Ugly in the soul,
Ugly in the bone,
And no
These mistakes are not normal.
How can I be my own victim and perpetrator so easily?
And then wake up with dread that I’m not necessarily safe for myself?
I am stuck.
I did know better
But I didn’t do any better,
So what the actual f*ck?!

I will not run just overwhelm me
With the thoughts the thoughts the thoughts.
There’s a dark shadow underneath every bright surface.
Check and chase
Every nook and cranny
Track and trace
Every mistake and
Shove into my face the uncanny.

What’s this giddy feeling?
I hop, skip and prance because
Neurons are firing and I’m talking
To myself and reviewing what has just passed in such a quick speed that I cannot catch up.
Oh I know you’re not all so bad
And sometimes I need to learn so
I constantly look back to learn but
Don’t let the shadows make everything seem dark
And don’t let the light turn into an insignificant spark.
Give me the balance and the hope,
The humility that helps me to cope with the insecure anxieties and the ignorance of arrogance.

Yes but no
No but yes
What ifs and
Did you see the look in his eyes?
They said something to me
And they were quickly covered by a disguise.
Maybe, who knows?
Just do better
Next time.

A lake
Running deep
A line stretched
To its core.
What is it that makes me so
Unsure?

A hand
In a trembling fit
Reaches towards a heaven,
May I be free forevermore.

A threatening warmth in my centre
Drowns my soul,
Permanently stuck in a winter
It’s futile to wait
For the passing of the cold
So I am stuck
In my own
Quicksand.
Stuck
Unable to understand
The magnitude of it all
And so I fall
And a certain numbness takes over me,
A certain bewilderment
Because I have been seized and
I do not see.

Nobody told me
Freedom is lonely.
Tears glide but
I’m not sad.
I think about the things I’ve sacrificed to be here,
I think about the dead versions of myself
And how I grew without the guidance of my guides.
I’ve grown into myself despite you
To spite you
Yet you take all the credit anyway.

Who knew that this scarf on my head
Could make the rope that will tie my noose?
Who knew that this stone that
Kisses my forehead could turn into
The ammunition to crack my skull?
Who knew that my loose clothes could
Let in enough air to tear it from my body?
Who knew that my enemies would have the power to define me, judge me and sentence me?
Who knew that love would label me guilty?

No longer tracked in a dollhouse. A small spec from the view up above.
Heart erratic
Breath pumping
My confusions left unsolved.

No longer scavenging for booky ally ways for a quick huff and puff,
Fantasising about what I’m wearing as I **** myself,
Or when it would be most peaceful to inhale evil
Spirits.

No longer held on an invisible chain
Chained to my ‘friends’
That have accepted this mutual need
To be comforted not by what is said
But by what is given and pierced through the head,
Over and over
Again and
Again
For years
Four years
I knew not one of them,
But their smiles were kept green
And their eyes soaked in sad blood
Looking through narrow windows,
Thin lines of dim lights,
Pouring on lonely nights.
And that’s when I realised
Freedom is a slave sacrificed.

So if I must be chained
Let it be a chain
Hooked on loyalty
Truth
And love.
Let it be a chain
Flexible
And gentle
So I can find my way back
With ease.
Let it be a chain of strength
A chain that protects me.
Because I am no longer chained
To the idea
Of freedom in
Robbery.

I close my eyes because
I want to sleep through the darkest nights
Of December,
Sink into the depths of my consciousness
Who doesn’t remember
The events of earlier today.

They’re trying to **** me.

Polluted my mind,
Body
And soul.
Left me to rot, freezing
In the bitter cold.

Poisoned me with pure
Lies and deception.
Almost made me believe there is
No solution.
Almost made me believe I
Have no power in this situation.
So yes,
I should cancel my endeavours?
And wait until the damages are reversed?
So yes,
I should stay inside and
Keep my head down
Staring into the
Darkest glowing light
And get ****** into an abyss and miss
On what it truly means to be free?

You almost made me believe it.

I close my eyes in hope of a reset.
I worry if my future will be plagued
By regret.

The soul of my civilisation is infested
With worms and centipedes from the root.
My generation have been bent, burned
And broken into submission.
My elderly in ambivalence die neglected
In isolation,
My needy bite their lip in frustration
Because yet again they have to get
Used to a new brand of corruption.

And we stay silent and lower our heads
And keep our tails between our legs
And say “yes do whatever you please”
And hope that finally they have
Our best interest?

Is this madness?

This is a form of sick, twisted art,
But when did this level of manipulation
Even start?

And there comes a point where
I have to ask myself:
In all this mess,
What is my part?

I watch the sun rise
And the moon descend,
Over and over
Again and again.

What was once
Bright and vibrant
Has become dull and dim,
Even time ages,
Yet I remain still therein.

When the Earth burns
And the stars collapse,
I'll float alone in the dark,
My eyes roll back in my skull,
I am lifted up high,
But I'll never fall.

I watch the sun rise,
And the moon descend,
Death following death,
Over and over,
Again and once again
You are convinced
Your life has meaning
Because you still haven't witnessed,
Time
Die.

Ignoring the thoughts of warning,
I listen to praise and ridicule,
I listen to who I seem and
Not who I am or
Who I want to be.

Ignoring the thoughts of warning,
I listen to desire and shame,
I listen to the self-evident lies
That attempt to free me from blame.

Ignoring the thoughts of warning,
Ignoring the ticking of the clock.
I delude that I have time,
And that whenever I want it will stop.
And if I ask it will extend to me its hand,
And that if I only plead,
Time shall make sure that I succeed...
Somehow.

Ignoring the thoughts of warning,
I forget my inevitable destination:
A place and time where my actions can no longer be redeemed,
A place and time
Where everything is exactly how it seemed,
And my mistakes upon mistakes
Will look out to me in shame
Behind the shoulder of my thoughts of warning
Who emphasize
That I am only to blame.

One step - two stepping me,
Swirling around me in a spiral,
And I twirl,
And orbit in a cycle,
Gaining momentum,
I shine bright
As I try to catch up to your speed
And you run me down!
When did you become so sinister?

Never fixed in a fixture,
So I never got the whole picture,
Because you're constantly on the move.
So move!

Don't hold your breath
In fear that you'll never breathe again
When the difference between
Reality and a projection
Is the ink in the pen and
The lines in a book
And even then,
You cannot catch up to the speed of His
Handwriting.

Finished before you even started,
Cycle after cycle
I am reminded.

I owe you my life
My wisdom
My talents
My strengths
My beauty.
I thought I knew myself but
I’ll never know me like
How you've known me.
And somehow
You looked passed the ugly
And deemed me
Deserving.
Pulled me to safety
Away from the edge
Inspired within me an urge
To give you my pledge
To serve.

When I thought I reached a peak
I was proven to be short-sighted.
When I was presented with the answers
My heart was delighted
And my soul lifted.
You are like the stick my stem is stuck to
As I grow tall, broad and straight.
You are the rope I hold on to
As I climbed and floated,
And you weren't bothered by my weight.

You’re a friend to me,
You’re the 'someone I always wanted'.
Heard me cry scream and sob
And you were patient when insulted.
And so I live by your mercy
As you've been exalted,
And I pledge to continue serving
So that I can prove to you
To myself
That I am deserving.

Shining bright,
Leaving me
Fooled.
It's a vortex
And it feeds off of my light,
kind to be
Cruel.

It taints and slithers into
Every life's necessities.
Now it wears a crown saying:
"You cannot go on,
You cannot survive
without me!"

It has become
The Judge,
Jury
And executioner
Without
Authority.

It has become
Our only means of
Expressing beauty and
Creativity
In the most perverted of ways
As it tries to
Simulate an alternate reality
Making me
A fool
Who’s Kind to be
Cruel.

There is fire in my stomach
And smoke in my throat
And soot in my brain.
So hazy is my life,
Overwhelmed by guilt and shame.
So heavy is this burden,
I want someone to blame.
So disgusted I am with myself,
I want you to be the same.

Oh God,
I will not complain about my life
And my woes;
Instead
I tear myself up from the root and
Pull my brain out through
My nose.

I want to die but,
I don’t want to burn,
Even though I am burning
On my own.

Leave me alone, lock me up
And throw away the **** key.
Take my consciousness far away from me.
Let me die without being dead so
I don’t have to feel the
Scorching heat of my actions.

I know I don’t deserve heaven so
As mercy undo my existence and
Put me back to sleep.

Behold my careful stride,
I decide.
I decide.

I test the winds
and waters,
I decide
the fate of of the dwellers.

Carried by an external force,
I decide my inner course.

I’ve grown numb
And accustomed to
Whatever that was deemed
Extraordinary.
Does this make me dull
If the complexity of the universe
Has become
Ordinary?
No longer a stranger or an enigma
To my inner experience?
Does this make me boring
If I no longer find joy
In discovering something
Unsurprising?
For when you
Constantly dwell and live
In the unknown
Is it really a big deal
To find something unexpected?
I mean... what did you expect anyway?

I am more interested in human interactions
In the consequences
And the causes
Of my actions
And I have internalised the outside world
And the outside wonders and
Discipline and harmony
Has become my quest and
My childish discovery.

Monitor the way you speak to yourself,
Catch yourself
In the midst of your own delusions.
You have mirrors
And a light in the middle
And you bounce off surfaces,
Weaknesses and solutions.
Confined in a body in a body
Revelling in a cognitive dissonance,
As you recognise within you
A drop from the divine,
You cannot ignore the infinite distance.

I tell her:
My little girl,
These days are intense
And alone.
And I know when you
Open that gate,
You do not recognise your home.

My little girl,
I know your mind is dark,
I know there are traces of a plague
Infecting your heart,
I know you want a fresh new start-
But put down the knife
And let wounds mend
And pains blend,
And see this life
To its natural end.

The tap drips onto
still waters.
Ripples echo and remind me
of my mortality,
then I am reminded of
my morality
and suddenly
I don't have much time.
Ripples echo
and remind me of
my loneliness and
suddenly
nothing I own is truly
mine.

These waters are deep
and dark and stare
into the abyss inside.
A hollow shell governed by
reckless winds,
what happens when
water and wind
collide?