Closer than it seemed,
Yet further in my eyes;
Reflection upon reflection,
Effected and Effecting live, in real time.
One eye shut while the other is open.
Half truths from half-arsed perceptions,
They become lies, an artful deception.
Yet that does not stop the reality:
All things, two sides of the same coin.
All things separate, yet as twins were joined,
All things are all things,
Intertwined as one from the beginning.
Understand one, you understand the other.
I move my body and my body moves in the mirror,
Mirrors in mirrors upon mirrors
Reacting to each other.
So I flip the pages of this book,
Teaching me about my mind,
Teaching me to look with one eye,
A mirror covered,
And suddenly
What you seek becomes easier to find.

I’m beginning to think my cries do not have a sound.
When I raise my head above the ground
I see weeds feasting on souls,
The red sky is filled with holes
And blood pours out of its pores
And the screams are like ongoing thunder
As my attention is split asunder-

Whom do I help?
I
Alone
As I am?
Should I reach the starving infant
Or cradle the abandoned child?
Should I attack the invading enemy
Or love those whose thoughts have gone wild?

Even if I had an army,
I am alone as I am
And my people follow the chains
Of one command.

I am alone
As I am,
And my limbs only reach so far.
Every wrong step
Inflicts a scar
And while you’re kind enough to
Lend me your shoulder
I am alone as I am
And I grow colder.

I am alone as I am
And when a link is cut I hang from my neck,
I hang from the hands of others
Who’ve chosen to save me!
Me from amongst the dead!
Why me?
I
Alone
As I am?

It hits like a bullet.
Caught off guard,
Triggered by the circumstance,
Fuelled with the negative thought,
Your mind starts to race and all sense is blur.

It hits like a tsunami.
One second you could breathe,
The next your nostrils and mouth is forced shut,
Your insides are burning,
You’re crashing against sorrows
And there’s oh so much desperation
For the need to simply
Breathe.

When the feeling is this intense
You won’t know what hit you.

I denied myself your garden of Eden,
The heaven that you promised me.
I denied it even though I was deeply swayed by its beauty.
I reject your love knowing that you loved me.
I reject my love for you too, baby.
I reject it all, though it has been hard for me,
Because I can't have any of it without the Almighty.

So God, please accept my attempt at courage,
And if this was a test, make it so that I've passed.
For the things I've done,
I do not ask for a reward, but,
May I request for your love to replace
The pains of the past?

I can see the distant storm,
Its anger looming,
Its inevitability grooming me.

The sky is wide,
It makes no sense to run from its shadow.
It moves like the sea
and I float in its current.

I was moving forward but now
I must fall back.
I have no choice but I'll always
Come back on track.

No longer tracked in a dollhouse. A small spec from the view up above.
Heart erratic
Breath pumping
My confusions left unsolved.

No longer scavenging for booky ally ways for a quick huff and puff,
Fantasising about what I’m wearing as I **** myself,
Or when it would be most peaceful to inhale evil
Spirits.

No longer held on an invisible chain
Chained to my ‘friends’
That have accepted this mutual need
To be comforted not by what is said
But by what is given and pierced through the head,
Over and over
Again and
Again
For years
Four years
I knew not one of them,
But their smiles were kept green
And their eyes soaked in sad blood
Looking through narrow windows,
Thin lines of dim lights,
Pouring on lonely nights.
And that’s when I realised
Freedom is a slave sacrificed.

So if I must be chained
Let it be a chain
Hooked on loyalty
Truth
And love.
Let it be a chain
Flexible
And gentle
So I can find my way back
With ease.
Let it be a chain of strength
A chain that protects me.
Because I am no longer chained
To the idea
Of freedom in
Robbery.

I’ve grown numb
And accustomed to
Whatever that was deemed
Extraordinary.
Does this make me dull
If the complexity of the universe
Has become
Ordinary?
No longer a stranger or an enigma
To my inner experience?
Does this make me boring
If I no longer find joy
In discovering something
Unsurprising?
For when you
Constantly dwell and live
In the unknown
Is it really a big deal
To find something unexpected?
I mean... what did you expect anyway?

I am more interested in human interactions
In the consequences
And the causes
Of my actions
And I have internalised the outside world
And the outside wonders and
Discipline and harmony
Has become my quest and
My childish discovery.

I'm in love with a lover
Who is loved by another
and I'd die just to see you
smile at me.

He's the son of a daughter
Who is married to his father
And they're all the children
Of humanity.

I'm stronger in sorrow
I carry till tomorrow
And I'm productive
In insanity

As I chase the devil
The path becomes narrow
And I hate the incarnation
Of profanity.

Here I am.
Do you see me?

I am lost
I'm alone
Lead me to my
Destiny.

I am man.
All men are me.
And I live with this truth
Vicariously.

I'm indebted to your kindness
My lord, you are the finest
And there's no denying
Reality.

I have found my purpose
Help me to stay focused
And save me from your
Calamity.

They ooze out of my pours like sweat,
Beads rolling down my neck.
The sun is blinding, her heat burns.
Have you forgotten me?
Rendered as ash into an urn...

Oh friend of flesh, bone and blood,
Have you forgotten the times we've had
Playing over gravel, into grime and mud?
Oh flesh of my bone,
Oh garment of mine,
Why would you limit me like this?
Your cold winds push me back,
Its intensity stops me in my track.
Why?
Are you afraid?
Whatever it is, it has nothing to do with me.
Truly.
Yet you make me pay the price.
Is this the value of my life?
And when I am abandoned
By friends of blood and soul,
They leave me with no other, but you,
The only friend of Spirit,
Or so I am told.

Are the winds capable of carrying my voice?
How will I feel your presence?
How can you fill a human void?
You are far greater,
And my limits come short.
It is a puzzle piece,
and while you are the table on which I rest,
You are not of the missing sort.

Is it deception? A heinous act!
Perhaps my capacity is far larger
Than the perceived aspects of the things I lack.
And as I study the human mind,
I am reminded of all the people and things I need.
And I've concluded: all I need is people.
So how would God wish that I proceed?

Up the hill I go, through
Shrouds of obscure sorrows and transient joys.
Cold sweats,
Cold sweats,
Shed from me old skin and I pass
Old threats.
Is it a hill?
For I assumed an unobservable peak in expectation.

Is it deception? A heinous act!
Something I've told myself?
But if there's only up
For as long as I'm alive,
How can there be eternal ease
Under everchanging skies?

Monitor the way you speak to yourself,
Catch yourself
In the midst of your own delusions.
You have mirrors
And a light in the middle
And you bounce off surfaces,
Weaknesses and solutions.
Confined in a body in a body
Revelling in a cognitive dissonance,
As you recognise within you
A drop from the divine,
You cannot ignore the infinite distance.

One step - two stepping me,
Swirling around me in a spiral,
And I twirl,
And orbit in a cycle,
Gaining momentum,
I shine bright
As I try to catch up to your speed
And you run me down!
When did you become so sinister?

Never fixed in a fixture,
So I never got the whole picture,
Because you're constantly on the move.
So move!

Don't hold your breath
In fear that you'll never breathe again
When the difference between
Reality and a projection
Is the ink in the pen and
The lines in a book
And even then,
You cannot catch up to the speed of His
Handwriting.

Finished before you even started,
Cycle after cycle
I am reminded.

Scratches on my neck
And blood in my mouth as I wake.
Faces
I see faces,
Voices,
I hear your footsteps behind me,
Is my life at stake?

Eyes open
Laid bare
But I cannot move!
Flesh out my mouth
Snake bites my neck,
What have you got got to prove?

My mind,
A haunting ghost
Stares at me wide eyed,
Open mouth,
It’s a black shadow
Full of sorrow
And it feeds me
Guilt and doubt
Until tomorrow
Until tomorrow

Do you still not know
Who I am after all these years?
Was it my fault for not telling you
Or for you never asking?
Did I deceive you because
I was reserved?
Did it ever occur to you that
I could be suffering in silence?
Yet let me ask again
Do you still not know me after all these years?
What am I to you
Who am I to you
What do I seem like to you?
Because you are baffled by my reaction
To your cold shoulder
Your blunt response
Telling me to deal with it
On my own
Like I’ve always done.
And I don’t know
If you can see
What it is you’re doing
But you’re making this
So much harder for me.
And I wonder
Do you still not know
Who I am after all these years?
And yet these tears
These familiar tears
Glide on my cheeks
Reminding me that I’ve always been
Deeply lonely.
Deeply.
And when I make a noise
It’s like no one listens
It’s like I’m in a dream
And you’re all in a daze,
And I’m not sure
If it was me who dug this
Deep dark grave.

Who is to heal
This broken heart?
Who is to save
My sinning soul?
Who is to tell me
Right from wrong?
Who is to fill
This gaping hole?

And when I search for an answer
I get an answer alright,
But it’s never so simple.
I’m maybe only a little lost
But I’m still lost alright,
Deluded until I’m exposed.

But I’ve made my resolve
I know what I must do.
But the tide and the winds
Keep shifting my view.
And now look at me,
Look at me and you,
Miles apart,
Nothing like the start,
Is it too later to turn this around?
Am I too high up to come back to the ground?

I want to be loved,
By both man and by God.
I want to feel it in my bones,
I want to feel it in my heart.

You say this is a test.
When I sleep I do not rest.
I can’t say I’m doing my best
When the wind takes hold of my chest.

So tell me what to do!
When my desires push from you!
I am not fit to lead my hand!
I am weak,
The epitome of man!

For as long as I live
I will struggle.
There’s no longer a living model.
And my nature will see it’s limits.
It’s a mercy,
When all there’s left are minutes.

So tell me what to do!
When my desires push from you!
I am running out of time!
I’m turning my heart blind!
So save me from myself.
Save me from my kind.

Mummified me tight in her web,
she finds it funny
that my eyes are left open.

I shake
but I cannot listen
and I cannot scream
and she stares until
my heart is broken.

she whispers and I read her lips:
"I am fate,
and you were held firm in my clutches
ever since man has fallen.

"Lay, watch, and twitch
and remember my dear,
every breath you take is testimony
that you were chosen."

I feel such terrible distress
Like I lost something as precious
As my purpose.
All the screams and darkness
Swooping over me and drowning my senses
Fear is senseless
And reckless.
Fear is helpless
So painful it’s painless.
So dark
It blinds me with its brightness.

This world goes in circles
And repeats cycles
And I’m stuck in the middle
As I cry in my comfortable cradle
Because I am blessed to point out that
my only curse
Is having to feel
And live a life so real
It haunts me in my sleep
And seeps into my dreams.
And buries me in a grave.

Why do I cry for the future?
The present is a cloud
And fate is the wind
And I try to find my silhouette
Reflected within.

I revel in this collective fearful consciousness.
I revel in this confused toxicity and if this isn’t telling
Then I should be yelling.

I want to stab a knife to your canvas
And maybe as expected,
Instead of flesh and bones
I find snakes
Slithering, swirling frantically,
Kissed by fear in their evil eyes,
In their terrible surprise
Fire has exposed them!

I want to dash red paint on that fake smile
And watch you gurgle on your own blood
As it pours
Thick, black
From between your teeth.

I want to rip out your lying, beating heart,
Blackened by your sins and selfish intentions,
And watch your hollow eyes finally
Show true emotions.

And I will not stop picking
You apart until you cry
“I give up!”
But how can I trust a
Black
Lying
Beating
Heart?

Forgive me for when my eyes are shut and my hands roam,
Or when my hands are tied yet my eyes stab.
Forgive me when I am ignorant and stomp my feet,
Or when I softly step into a territory that I know is made for my demise.
Forgive me when I am a coward who thinks she is wise.

Nobody told me
Freedom is lonely.
Tears glide but
I’m not sad.
I think about the things I’ve sacrificed to be here,
I think about the dead versions of myself
And how I grew without the guidance of my guides.
I’ve grown into myself despite you
To spite you
Yet you take all the credit anyway.

How could I jeopardize
A moment of bliss,
A heart touched by your kiss,
A soul warmed in your hug?

How could I sabotage
This peaceful smile
A rewarding feeling that
All of my efforts were worthwhile?
Oh how stupid I was to have nearly
Let this all go
For something so flippant and transient.
There must be a sickness in the heart,
A disease in the mind,
But nevermind that
I feel healed in your love.

Her skin glistens like honey,
Her scent pulls me like gravity,
Her curves incite potential.
She is hazy,
Like a ghost, or an apparition.
When I move forward, I don't get any closer.
She is my envisioned future.
And you grab her, father,
You pin her down and you **** her, father,
Repeatedly, you hurt her, father!
She turns bleak,
Her screams make me run!
And I run! But I don't get any closer!
Her tears stream and stretch towards me in rivers,
Her hand, outstretched, quivers,
But I run and I run
And I don't get any closer!
Stop!
Stop it!
Father!!

It's like the stillness of nature,
It is not calm,
Like the hesitation of a wolf
Who sees sheep led by a shepherd
In a distant farm.
Like the sound of a fly
That's too far away to ****.
You're hesitant, uncomfortable,
You prefer it this way but
It's still ******* your knees when
You're going downhill.

"You are asking God to give you from his bounty,
And I ask, what makes you worthy?"
God's pool is pure,
And my hands are tainted.
What I ask for is for
The hand of one of your beloved.
Yet, will your servant want someone like me?

To be worthy of your bounty
And a man so great, surely
I must be tested?
I cannot expect the best when
The best does not deserve that which is
Far lesser than perfect.

I ask for a human,
Not a thing.
I ask for a man
Worthy to be a king.
I ask for a love so sweet,
For a mercy so complete,
But perhaps I must come equal to such a treat.

I thought I've come close,
But it's not enough.
I've learned that there is no love without knowledge
And no knowledge without love.
So now that this is acknowledged,
Perhaps loneliness wouldn't seem so tough.
I can see you want what is best for me,
And the best requires to rise up and above.

I am hopeful,
And I'll pray, everyday.
You promised I come in a pair,
You assure me that you are fair,
And when the time comes to receive that gift,
I must be ready and worthy of being there.

In my mind I say what I mean
And mean what I say.
But my actions could speak otherwise.
Am I a hypocrite if my mind is far greater than my own two hands?

Am I helpless if I know what to do,
But my body won’t move according to plan?

Am I deluded if I think I can
When I can’t,
Or if I think I can’t,
When I can?

Am I who I am
Or am I what I am?

Stuck a sticker on a
Block of cold ice.
The sticker is stuck
In a frozen smile.

Maybe that smile
The resolve
The will
Is warm enough to make
Cold hearts melt.

And I drip,
Drip,
Drip.

Behold my careful stride,
I decide.
I decide.

I test the winds
and waters,
I decide
the fate of of the dwellers.

Carried by an external force,
I decide my inner course.

Give me a backstory
and I'll show you a different character
each time.
Give me a time and place,
and I'll show you my morals were lies
and my standards are non-existent,
and that I've had you fooled
in every single appearance;
and I'll make you realize
that my lies
have been consistent.

Foul,
rotten,
something about you gives the stench of burned flesh,
the stain of corroding steel,
the buzzing sound of a thousand insects.
When you talk I feel like centipedes crawl up my spine,
roaches swirl between my toes,
and worms pour out of ears.
My eyes itch, and I twitch
underneath my skin
for your soul
is the foulest din.

Ignoring the thoughts of warning,
I listen to praise and ridicule,
I listen to who I seem and
Not who I am or
Who I want to be.

Ignoring the thoughts of warning,
I listen to desire and shame,
I listen to the self-evident lies
That attempt to free me from blame.

Ignoring the thoughts of warning,
Ignoring the ticking of the clock.
I delude that I have time,
And that whenever I want it will stop.
And if I ask it will extend to me its hand,
And that if I only plead,
Time shall make sure that I succeed...
Somehow.

Ignoring the thoughts of warning,
I forget my inevitable destination:
A place and time where my actions can no longer be redeemed,
A place and time
Where everything is exactly how it seemed,
And my mistakes upon mistakes
Will look out to me in shame
Behind the shoulder of my thoughts of warning
Who emphasize
That I am only to blame.

I watch the sun rise
And the moon descend,
Over and over
Again and again.

What was once
Bright and vibrant
Has become dull and dim,
Even time ages,
Yet I remain still therein.

When the Earth burns
And the stars collapse,
I'll float alone in the dark,
My eyes roll back in my skull,
I am lifted up high,
But I'll never fall.

I watch the sun rise,
And the moon descend,
Death following death,
Over and over,
Again and once again
You are convinced
Your life has meaning
Because you still haven't witnessed,
Time
Die.

Is there a feeling worse than regret?
Knowing you’ve done something against yourself and only you are to blame?
What’s more poisonous than being able to live and relive the events of the past?
Than being able to see the rippling effects your actions have?
I cannot imagine anything worse
Than to be stuck in my own body
Than to experience myself so intensely
Knowing what I did
Knowing who I hurt.
I cannot imagine anything more frustrating
Than making mistakes and then knowing
How I could have done better and
Realising the limits of my own cognition
And the stupidity of my own ego.

I ask myself why
But the question only drives me mad.
I spit at my own reflection and
Cower into a corner and long for
A few seconds of non-existence.
I am ugly,
Ugly in the soul,
Ugly in the bone,
And no
These mistakes are not normal.
How can I be my own victim and perpetrator so easily?
And then wake up with dread that I’m not necessarily safe for myself?
I am stuck.
I did know better
But I didn’t do any better,
So what the actual f*ck?!