Sitting at home with a cold
You at yours, me at mine
Texting back and forth, watching
Same movie at the same time

Getting one that said
We should watch together
Rushing to get ready for your
Arrival, pretending it's 'whatever'

Two hours go by and nothing
Tell me later, sorry I fell asleep
It's okay, I love you so much
I only fell apart and weeped

I want to stand behind you and
     press myself up against you.
I want to gently nip at your ear.
I want to wrap my arms around you,
     and trace my fingers over the arch of your eyebrows
     and down your cheek.
I want to outline your lips with my finger tips
     and to bring them down your neck, slowly.
I want to trace your clavicle and run my hands over your torso,
     producing all kinds of friction.
I want my hands to find your hips
     and work my fingers under the waistband of your jeans.
I want to keep you close to me,
     keep myself pressed up against you.
I want to kiss, lick, and bite
     at your neck and shoulder.
I want to make you moan.
I want to have a moment like that,
     and I want to make it last.

distraction
contraptions
i don't work right
haven't enough reason to fight
please distract me
in your arms
enwrap me
when i can't sleep
i'm up thinking
and when i have you
my thoughts fade from dark
without you
i'm in my own head screaming
i wind up bleeding
and not holding you
but
distraction
contraptions
...
you are the better distraction

so ******* fractured
bloodshot eyes
casual lies
i'm okay, i'm okay
i'm fine i say
no one cares enough to notice
the marks on my wrists
the drawings in my sketch book
the title of my playlist
if my tears pool on the ground
and leak under my door
will you see
does anyone see
what my own thoughts do to me
i'm so **** unstable
so irreparable
it's a shame that i'm wasting all this oxygen
thought of cutting myself off today
but i'm so scared i always end up stoppin'
i wear black because i'm mo(u)rning
and hoping i won't see another
don't give me empty words of comfort
don't give me a warning
give me ******* medication
i sit with some copers
drinkers and dopers
oh how it ***** to be the first to come to
when they're still smokin' and drinkin'
and my thoughts are so blue
so i go straight back
breathing in anything i can
to escape the world
my head
my ******* head
for a few moments
before i come back
come to
and cry
like i am now
i dig at my skin
trying to reach something within
dark or light
anything to make me feel alright
stopping just before there's blood
because i'm already seein' red
i don't deserve tomorrow
only my ****** up yesterdays
make a new plan to carry out
i stumble and shake with regret for what i can't do
so ******* fractured
bloodshot eyes
casual lies
i'm okay, i'm okay
i'm fine i say
no one cares enough to notice
so i continue to medicate myself
melting brain cells
taking in all the smells

your perfect eyes
the curve of your lips
your pianist hands
and dear God, your hair

they way you keep to yourself
intentional or not
intrigues me and everyone else

i don't feel like i have to impress you
do you know how long it's been
since i wasn't at the beck and call of a him
bending breaking at his every whim

when you are tired the look in your eyes turns me on
when you are excited the look in your eyes turns me on
when you just look at me, it turns me on

you are so smart, oh so intelligent
precise, focused, driven when you need to be

you respect my wish not to be touched
though sometimes i wish you wouldn't

i love that you are awake at ungodly hours
and that you take the time to talk to me
not many do, certainly none as intoxicating as you

So you want to forget?
You have a drink.
Or six.
So you want to get high?
You roll your own.
Light up.
So you want to feel alive?

All you little amateurs,
Let me show you.
Come join me
In my chemical chemistry factory,
Or my suicide surgical stand,
Homemade scalpel in my hand.
I can help you.

I want to be your light
       You aren't my light, you are the electricity that turns me on
I want to pretend that I can
       You don't have to pretend, I love you as you are, won't have you
          any other way
But
       So
I can't shine like your night sky
       You might not shine like stars but you are the only thing I see
I can't even fake a smile
       *You don't have to fake a smile, just your hand in mine is all I need

Darling
Can't you tell I'm in a living hell
And you help me breathe

Baby
It's you, you make me okay, well
Slow my cuts that bleed

Lovely
I'm afraid to love, but I already fell
I wonder if I should leave

I miss you

Call me over

Pick me up

Let's drive off-road

In your truck

Bring me upstairs

To your room

Touch me again

Make me swoon

They pretend not to see
What he does to me.

He kicks me and I falter,
Kicks me till I fall down.
Shoves me underwater,
Tries to make me drown.

Gets a twisted grin,
Pretends he loves me and I him.

And they wonder what my problem is,
Why I try to slit my hips.

infected              neglected             rejected
defective           perspective          protective

You should have never told me you liked the Fray,
You ruined them for me.

Let me be plastic
Let me be silent for you

I'll be your plaything
I just want someone to care

Let me pose for you
Let me be pictures on your phone

I'll be your plaything
I'll be your anything

Let me live for you
Let me bury myself

I'll be your plaything
I just want to be wanted

Let me wait up for you
Let me be your attendant, servant, slave

I'll be your plaything
I need your love, or lust

Let me be a joke
Let me be false, fake, whatever

I'll be your plaything
I can be your doll on a shelf

Let me be expendable
Let me be used for a while

I'll be your plaything
I can be temporary, I'm used to it

Do you hear me cry out your name?
I am bleeding, bleeding and in pain.
Trying to save the part that's good from the part that's insane.

You've become my latest anchor, if you didn't know.
I've made you a constant amid chaos, so please don't go.
Can I hold onto you, will you stop the blood flow?

Here I go, creeping into the recesses of my mind.
Watch me pale, fade, disappear from the world in no time.

You were my everything,
Proud of me, and my insanity.
You were my comfort,
Crying in your passenger seat.
You were my anchor,
Grounded me, helped me breathe.
So why then
Did you have to leave?
Yes, you came through for me,
For one night, back in April.
But am I worth more
Than one night? Than one hour?
I used to be.
And you used to be my everything.

I want to taste you
feel you
bite you
be with you
on you
under you

I want hands
everywhere
holding
grabbing
pulling
closer
closer

the intimacy
I wish to share
heat of your breath
heat of your touch
I will never get enough

why am i
so afraid
so stupid
so unconventional
so depressed
so hopeful
so cut off
so open
so worried
so trusting
so afraid
afraid
afraid
terrified
of every **** thing
every ******* thing
unsure
unwilling
to give myself
impulsive
inclined
to give everything
pulling back at the last second
he offered me forever
and i ran away
the truth hurts
hurts
hurts
i am afraid
so very afraid
to make a promise
for i fear it will be broken
before it's made
this is my truth
i throw myself into the mess
and rip myself out
to hide tattered
in a corner
i don't want to be broken
broken
broken
because it hurts more
to put yourself back together
than to fall apart
understand
understand
understand
this is my confession
i will run
if you give me a chance
i will run if you ever decide
to try
try
try
with me
don't let me run
i know you don't want me
no one really ever has
and i hold the blame
but if you try
don't let me run
hold
hold
hold
me close
and i will hold you
please listen to me
for this is a truth
you must know
i will hurt you before you hurt me
because that's how
i've learned to survive
survive
survive
don't let me break you
break myself
if you give me a try
don't let me leave after one night
show me it's okay
safe to stay
*stay
stay

Mother, you were good to me. You loved me in your own way that I didn't always understand. Don't blame yourself.
Father, you loved me, I suppose. I can't say that you cared though, at least, not about me.
Brother, don't turn out like me, make something of yourself. Don't try to become anyone else, to impress people, to fit in, just be yourself. Stop being so violent, it will get you into trouble.
KB, I know you never really picked me and I didn't quite pick you, but I think maybe God did, picked us for each other. You were the best friend I could have ever hoped for. Thank you for everything. I wish I could have shown you what you meant to me.
EK and EC, you were the best friends who could be depended on even though you weren't properly appreciated. I'm sorry.
AJ, God, you re-instilled in me the hope that people can change, that people can be beautiful. Thank you for Fridays, for my birthday, for Brazil, and for picking up at 2 a.m.
AK and DF, you were the most inspiring and genuine friends I've ever known. Thank you for showing me friendship.
JW, don't stop singing, playing, and laughing- you are music people should dance to.
KJ and MG, my oldest friends, thank you for never leaving me long. You are both so lovely, only accept what you truly deserve, please, okay?
MO, try not to be too naive or too much of a smart ***, alright? And thank you, for being part of my 'theme' and proving a point.
Finally, AM, I haven't known you long, but thank you for letting me need you.

Don't miss me, but don't forget me.
I love you all.

here's to the kids who skip school
not to drink
not to smoke
not for ***
not as a joke
here's to the kids who skip school
to take care of a sibling
to take care of a parent
to help pay the bills
to feed empty mouths

How helpless do I feel when I can't fight him off
The pain is caused by more than verbs
He is bigger than me, he overpowers me
The new bruises
Like colorful explosions among my freckles
When someone cares to ask
Just say I fell
I'm so clumsy
So stupid
So worthless
They'll believe me like always

I can't escape the thought of you lately it seems
I hear Thrice, Icon for Hire, Avenged Sevenfold, 7eventh Time Down,
       Sent By Ravens, hear them everywhere
See your brother in the store
See your mom at church
See a guitar
See the color red, the color green
Think of Christmas and what you meant to me
       Someone who waited for me to reach comfort
       Someone who left me too soon
       You accepted every piece of me
       You played the game, where we let the world laugh
The thought of skipping
When I dance, the salsa, anything
Watching the Sox game
Walking past you're old spot
       Remembering everyday that seemed to last forever and end
      too quickly
Every time I write the letter 'X,' your favorite
Think of green eyes, and how we said yours secretly were
Think Taylor Swift and the joke that you two were destined
My birthday comes and how you were the only one who
         remembered that year
Each time I still wear the perfume you bought me
Whenever I think of movies and how you drove out to be with me
See a bicycle or think long walks
Hear music in a language I don't understand
Get frustrated at Ecclesiastical Latin, because you do understand
Hide from the violence, because you grew up with it too

Think of leaving
Think of silence
Think of lies
Think of empty promises
Think of "I'll come back for you"

Think of calculus
And how you are such a nerd
And I stare at my paper
At these nonsensical equations
Of calculus
Of us

I just can't stand the thought of you this way.
So I said the things that I thought would make you stay.
Addicted to Bad Decisions- Emery

Why is it that I miss you so much lately,
You should be a forgotten memory.

I stare at your old parking spot...
                          How ironic it is that your old spot is his now,
                                    you share more than a name
                           Finding that out hit me like a brick,
                                    I don't think he could tell
I stare at my phone and will you to call,
Wouldn't care why, I'd pick up, say anything at all.
I stare at a screen, wrapped up in a blanket;
All alone watching your favorite movie over and over.
I stare at old photos on a Friday night,
Begging time to turn back, you here again with me.
I stare in the mirror, brokenly, at myself,
And wonder why I wasn't enough for you...
                               *Or anyone else.

peck, peck, peck
on my face
on my neck

peck, peck, peck
at my feet
at my heart

feathers all around
crowding my vision
filling my lungs

drowning, crowded
by birds
beasts of the sky

pulling in
crouching to the ground
reaching my lowest means

then quiet
quiet
quiet

quiet as dark as the crowded noise
the crows
that have overwhelmed me

   -   -   -

softly, quietly
i am approached
i lift up my head

to be greeted
by a sole, gentle
dove ~

prettier than me
i can see what you mean
with her striking blue eyes
it's no surprise
mine are brown
and don't make you drown
prettier than me
shorter and cute
not this awkward height
too short or too tall
she can make you laugh
i don't do much laughing lately
how grand it is
she actually has a personality
and i'm merely just
me

Thank you
To the boy
Who smiled
At me
Today

It went
A long way