I didn't make it.
I'm not good enough.
They don't want me.
As the others crossed the bridge,
The ones I struggled on this journey with,
I fell into a dark pit below.
I screamed for them,
but they couldn't hear me.
I flailed in the darkness,
But they couldn't see me.

However.

I could hear THEM.
Faint voices from above.
'She's gone. Leave her. She failed.'
So much for brothers
Sisters
Family.
So much for 'I'll never leave you behind'
They left me in the void.
An eternal torture.
I have cried
Screamed
Choked on my own disgust.
But none of that is going to bring me back
From this hell.

We run across the tracks,
A horde of desperate children.
Our tears are raked off our cheeks
By the wind that slams into our faces.

Crouching, cowering, gritting our teeth,
A fruitless attempt to make ourselves smaller,
To dodge the never-ending stream
Of lead teeth that eat into our flesh.

Gripping the clammy fingers
Of our only hope,
Until they are pummelled into the floor,
And we leave them behind.

We live to impress,
We walk a tightrope every day.
God help you if you fall,
Because you are on your own.

They’ll only hold your hand
If there is something in it.
They don’t love you,
So just keep running.

Running, running,
Stretch out your fingers,
To the other side.
Because when you fail…

Well at least you can say
one part of you made it…
Right?

Protector, I am.
Feeling the roar on my lips,
Fury and danger,
I am the shield.

Every sharp rip of skin,
Warm blood draining away.
Red mist,
Burning hole,
Rings of flame.

Screaming,
Screeching,
Wrenching apart.
Life will be taken
To protect my love.

The ones I love,
The few, only few,
Their hearts must beat.
A simple piece of flesh
Inside them all
That I would rip myself up
To protect.

Flashes, yelling,
Panicked cries.
No one can see
Through the smoke.

A twitch of the lip,
Smirking,
Grinning.
A burst of laughter,
Hysterically beautiful.
Come all and join me
As we serve out justice.

I come back at the rise of sun -
Hold out my red-coated arms.
This is how many died
So you can live on.

A twitch of the lip,
A smile once more.
Soft, softer.
For the ones I hold dear.

Steps, footsteps,
Backing away from me.
Fear, terror,
Disappointment, I see.

Glory shatters,
Tears tumble.
What have I done?
Why are you scared?

I DID ALL THIS TO PROTECT YOU!
YOU ARE ALIVE,
AREN’T YOU GRATEFUL?!
NO DON’T GO,
Don’t leave me!
I love you! All of you!

I   a m   n o t h i n g   w i t h o u t   y o u

Her lips are chapped, purple and rough
And yet he loves to kiss them.

His skin is dry and flaky and pale
And yet it sets her alight to touch it.

She is small and without curves
He is thin and without muscle

Her teeth aren't white
His feet don't look nice

'You're beautiful' they say to each other.

There is a figure in black
Behind a door.
He talked with whoever
Came by.

He told tales
Of a time
When he was great.
A time
When he saw he sun.

His voice fills with anguish
When he gets to the part
Where space and time lurched
out of his reach,
And he fell into the gap in between.
Slowly he deteriorated,
And his sobs are heard through the door
By the listener.

He tells them,
'I am fading away.'

'No longer do my eyes glow with the same light as they used to,
They are dimming.
And no longer do I embrace my children,
Or cry in my wife's arms.
They are miles away from me.'

He is alone with his tears
And his suffering,
As everyday
He flakes away a little more.
The ash pile beneath him gets bigger all the time,
And all he can do
Is tell the voices through the door.

It's always the same.
He weeps against the wood panels,
Pleading for them to help him.
Get him out.
Open the door.
Turn the handle for goodness sake.

And then he hears their footsteps recede hastily.
Twigs and leaves snapping under their feet as they bolt into the darkness away from him.

He knows what will happen,
Every single person will react the same.
But he can't bear to let go
Of the hope that one will be different.

And yet he knows they never will be.

Hiding, running,
What’s the difference?
I’m still avoiding the danger.

Missing the “thrill”
Of death’s hand
On my shoulder.

Missing the weight
Of impulsive decisions
On my head.

Facing the music is overrated
When there is a mute button
At hand.

Leave me alone.
Stop injecting me with your fire,
Turning my heart into a thunderstorm.

I don’t like rain,
I don’t run into the snow.
Let me sit in the sun.

Blood or none,
Stay far away.
You are nothing
But trouble to me.

You’re shadowed by toil,
Stop telling me I’ll love the pain.
I’m not going to take your hand,
And walk into the chaos.

I think with my head,
Not my sword.
So I’ll count the days until someone tells me,
You got yourself killed.

Go to sleep, it’s past midnight.
And watch your nightmares come to life.
It’s a sick freak show,
Heck we should know,
Mother get me a knife.

This house smells of stale liquor.
The poison blood, it runs deeper.
Take my hand,
It’s so cold,
And soon will be colder and stiffer.

I watch the bruises bloom and fade.
But the shame – it will never change.
I’m always at war,
Face to the floor,
Father, this is what you made.

Drag me down and yank me under.
It feels like home in a whirl of thunder.
Will the sun shine?
Will you reach me in time?
Or back to misery plunder.

Vicious circle, round and round.
Get up, slammed down, get up, down.
I’ll hide amidst torture,
As least it’s familiar,
And I promise not to make a sound.

I see the needle, the stumble in your step.
Eyes roll back, warmth up your neck.
We are all insecure,
How can you be sure?
You’ll die if you overstep.

Put me in a blinding daze,
I don’t want to feel the pain.
Yes, I am running,
Coward? Maybe.
I tried to burn a flame.

I’m not made of china, I don’t easily break.
I am purely liquified so don’t make that mistake.
I won’t hold together,
Unless you cage me in,
Come and get me Lucifer, how much more can I take in?

Oh mama oh mama
Feeding blood into my veins
Pouring water down my throat
Squeezing tears from my eyes.

Oh mama oh mama
Breathing air into my lungs
Freeing my blocked airway
Of the food that got stuck.

Spoonful spoonful
Sitting me up
Injecting saliva
And pumping my heart.

Mama oh mama
She is my clockwork
If she stops so will I
So wind me up agian

Hmm, what’s that smell?
I’ll follow it through the house.
It lingers wherever I go,
Perhaps it’s me.

I recognise that smell…
The sickly stench of failure.

What’s that sound?
I’ll follow it through the house.
It rings in my ears wherever I go,
A tinny, shrieking laugh.

Of course,
It is the sound of cynical laughter.
Mockery.
Every second of it impaling me.

What’s that darkness
At the edge of my vision?
It is creeping further in.

Of course,
It’s the blinding death of guilt.
It is the poison that seeps throughout
My every cell.

I cannot see,
I am choked, unable to breathe,
The sound, it deafens, it deafens.

The floor is colliding with my knees,
And my vision is running away.
My ears are being crushed into my head
By my hands,
In a desperate attempt to shield them.

But the thundering howling overdrive
That my senses are in…
It is melting me from the inside.

My body caresses the floor,
Slipping…
My hand curls away from my head,
Falling.
My vision keels over.
Darkness.

And my nose breathes in the last breath of failure,
As it rattles into my broken lungs.

Not everyone can be heroes.
There are us.
The cowards.
The ones that,
Quite honestly,
Are not willing to give up our lives.

We are not bad people;
We are not selfish.
We pray that we don't find ourselves in a situation
Where bravery is the desired virtue.
Where fingers will be pointed,
Insults will be thrown.

'Who cares what they think?'
We don't.
We care what you SAY.

'Don't dwell on idle threats.'
We don't.
But they are never idle.

You scoff when we flinch at the raise of your hand,
Calling out: 'wimp'.
But you are the ones
That conditioned us with fear.
We don't run from everyone,
So if we run from you
Then what have you done?
You have hurt us.
Hit us.
You repel us.
And
For some reason
We repel you.

Go ahead. Hate us.
Pressure us into doing things because we aren't strong.
Beat us because our bodies are frozen in fear.
Insult us because our lips are sown shut.

No one can be perfect.
Not everyone can be a hero.
We aren't heroes.
But neither are you.

(If you are religious and offended easily, do not read this poem)

If the sky crumbles into tiny shards,
And the clouds wither away,
It won’t make a difference,
I'll be standing here, no change.

All will be taking shelter,
Running, screaming from the rain.
Huddled under their umbrellas,
Peoples' lives burning in flame.

I will let the sun crumble to dust,
And scatter by my feet.
Melting into the ground,
A tear rolls down my cheek.

Standing in the chaos,
The sky falling like glass.
My life has always been like this,
I live behind a mask.

And now that my mask has been ripped off,
I am exposed to everything,
Now they question who I am,
They don't know a thing.

'Our Father, who art in heaven'
I hear them all pray,
There is no God up there!
No one to fix this wretched day.

There will be no daily bread today,
There will be no might or glory.
Only death and tragedy,
And they find hope in a story?

Didn't you people just witness,
The Heavens come crashing down?
Your people suffered and died,
And all you care about is the delusion to which you are bound.

I see the situation,
Pray, is it only me?
Your Earth just crumbled before your eyes,
And you just want to flee.

It's far from homely
Odour of something
Don't know what.
Kick crushed cans
Scattered
Envelopes of late payments:
cant afford them.
Shove them aside
Drag thumbs over
The chipped controller
The tinny TV
The low-res game.
Grab a stranger
One night stand
Clinging to their skin.
Unsightly.
Grunt.
Chafed and blotchy
Pretty scrawny
No one cares.
Use them
Like they are using you
To escape the drag
That is this existence.
Leave them in silence
Belt buckle done up
Hiss goes the beer can
Slump
Take a swig.
Back tomorrow
To the grind
Splash face
With water
Fumble sleepily
With the nylon tie
And crawl through
Another day.

Verifying rumours,
Living up to my name.
'Cause how can you destroy a reputation
When you are just the same?

Don't you dare be scared!
That pathetic face of yours.
Stop trying to befriend me,
I know you see my claws.

You cannot fight me either,
Do not even try.
You fall into my pit
You will inevitably die.

I dream of someone to appear
To convince me to stop.
But no one says it right
And so I carry on.

The running won't be fast enough,
The bullets will not pierce.
The bombs will not taint me,
Fire's a friend, no matter how fierce.

Just leave me alone,
Stay well away.
I don't deserve love,
And you'll live another day.

Forged in fire
his tainted smile
carved by deft hands of deceit.
Along this narrow passage
the walls fold in.
He lurks at the end
But a blank face
But a pair of hunched shoulders.
We know of his
cold,
dead,
eyes.
We feel his pull
like burning chains
lodged under our ribs,
reminding us of our fragility
as we break
like a dying tree.
Flaked away has our innocence
for right before our bloodshot irises
are the twisted, tarnished roots of the thorns
that seek to uproot us,
snake around our ankles,
and rub our flesh to raw crimson
as they drag us into their jaws of crushing teeth.
A flood of acid,
eating at our spines,
warping our faces
beyond the point of recognition.
And then they break us.

You can’t see a thing.
No matter how wide you open your eyes,
Or squint in concentration,
You can’t see anything.

You can move,
Yes, you stagger around blindly,
And don’t come into contact with anything.
There is nothing here…
Just darkness.
And you.

That is what it feels like
In your mind,
When you are so depressed
That waking up is like a punch in the stomach.
Because you know you have to get through another day.

Of torture.
Of aching hopelessness.
In a life that you don’t know why you are living.

Your very EXISTENCE
Has become the main source of pain.
And with a razor in one hand,
And blood running down the other,
You stare at the wound thinking
"I feel nothing."

Blood just becomes a colour,
Wounds just become a place for a bandage.
There is no pain in it.
Because no amount of physical pain can bring you out of the pain in your own head.

You are totally alone.
You scan the bright eyes and alive faces of the people around you.
Look at them,
All on cloud nine,
And they don’t even know it.

They think nothing of smiling,
Of laughing,
They don’t notice the happiness that flows throughout them.

They look at everything they see
Like they WANT to see it.
Like they welcome the light into their eyes.

Every step they take is powerful,
It resonates with the energy that they have,
The will to live in their every stride…
While you cannot lift your foot off the ground.

So tonight,
Like all other nights,
You are on a planet on your own.
A world filled with torment
And trapped in the terrors of your own head.

You might get the skipping rope out of the garden shed,
You might tip pills onto the edge of the sink
And think
"I WISH I WAS DEAD."

You might regret being born,
Or living at all,
Or think "I should have done this a long time ago."

Hang on one second. Please.
What is one second more?
Especially when this second
Could change everything.

That abyss you are stuck in…
You aren’t alone in there.
You can’t see them, but there are others here.

All you have to do is shout out.
Scream for help,
Shout it from the rooftops,
Tell them all "I don’t want to live anymore."

And in a crowd,
One, even just one,
Will push their way to the front,
And hold out their hand,
And say "me too."

A tiny flame of light will appear in the thick darkness
And give you air.
Make you feel like you aren’t drowning…

Wouldn’t that be a nice feeling?

Of COURSE you aren’t alone!
Of COURSE you aren’t the only person in the world that wants out.

But suicide doesn’t end pain.
All it does is pass it on to someone else.

So put the rope back in the shed,
And lock the door.

Tip the pills back in the ***,
And shut the cabinet behind you.

Crawl, if you have to,
Across your floor.
Shed all the tears you never shed.

Scream in hysterics,
All the frustration you swallowed down,
Let it out.

The LOUDER you are,
The less alone you become.

Dial that number.
Maybe it’s 116 123.
There will be a voice at the end of the phone.

It is there to give you a lantern in the darkness.
And soon enough…
The whole world will be lit up…
And you will see light again…

You can feel the tension rising
Clenching, everything grimacing
You run towards
The high pressure
The gravity releasing
Until you are flying.

And when you are flying
You have to reach to grasp something
The tension overflows
It's so beautiful and yet so overwhelming
Like you want it to stop but you never want it to end
Uncanny, like no drug that ever existed

And you cannot keep yourself from writhing
Under the pressure
Under the insanity

It has slipped control from your pocket
And it is making you malfunction
In the most addictive way
And you love it

And then it's all over
The tension is gone
You are left weak
Control back
And you mourn your wings.

Get in the car with enough for one night,
Let’s escape this wretched town.
We’ll be gone forever,
Hit the gas, discard our crowns.

Open the roof hatch wide.
Let the rain coat our faces.
Reach towards the silver skies,
Boy, we are going places.

We ride amidst these strangers,
Down the highway at night.
A stream of red as they speed away,
And as they approach, a stream of white.

We live off fast food junk,
Sleeping rough in parking lots,
But we have a spark in our lives
That those back home do not.

See, we weren’t born to be doctors,
Or hold up a perfect test score.
We were born for running,
This world is for us to explore.

“The world is your oyster”
They used to say.
“But stay and do the same things,
Every single day.”

“Don’t be an artist,
Just play it safe,
You might be depressed,
But that is OK.”

We’ll party by night,
and sleep by day.
We might not have the money
To eat today.

But we’ll laugh on empty stomachs,
And call ourselves heathens,
Because we couldn’t be happier,
After all, this is freedom.

I struck the match,
Brought to life a most beautiful blossom of amber and gold,
Clinging innocently to the tiny wooden stick
That she was dependant on.
I gave her life;
I gave her a home;
She twirled elegantly, radiantly, upon her wick.

A pillar of marble,
Marble that wept at her touch.
Slowly crumbled,
Until a mere puddle was left.
And when my dancer dipped her pointed toe
into the glistering remains of her lifeline,
She was extinguished.

Collapsing gracefully, suddenly, mid-pirouette.
Smiling like joy was the only emotion she knew.
And then gone.
The smile still on her face as she faded to wisps of monochrome smoke.
She was left to drown on her own stage.

I came back to a darkened room,
My unspoken love turned to dust at the absence of her light.
I was left with nothing but a silvery pool of lost life.
My dancer was dancing no more. My lovely golden woman,
reduced to a colourless ghost,
that had melted into the cold wintry air.

She is my warmth no more. I sit in the callous night’s chill alone.
She is my light in the abyss no more.
I am lost, staggering like one cursed with blindness.
She is my dancer no more.

You are lying in bed,
Listening to the gentle whistle of passing cars,
And the roar of a passing train.

You bite your lip,
Nervous.
Why?
Because that is all you can hear.

A month ago, the sounds of the city outside
Would be accompanied by the screams and shouts
Of the two people downstairs
That brought you up.

Sure,
Sometimes they forgot dinner time.
Or that you hadn’t been bathed in three days.
And all they’d do at night
Was fight.

Insult after insult,
Tears and a piercing smash.
And you’d lay awake and wonder
What you’d find in pieces the next morning.

As much as you’d squeeze your eyes shut,
And bury your face in the pillow,
You couldn’t help but be lulled to sleep
By the turbulence below.

It was your familiarity.
And sometimes,
Familiarity comes in the cruellest forms.

And now
There is silence.

You can’t hear
Your Father chugging alcohol.
Silently sobbing
Under the stark, white kitchen light.

It takes two to fight.
And now there is only one.
And now you can’t sleep.
Because there is nothing familiar about this at all.

Watching the warped horizon
I’m drowning in my tears.
I can see the surface
and it’s so far from here.

Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I seek out the pain?
It’s like I’m addicted to hurting
Thrive off the feeling of sinking
Of melting away.

Until I go so deep
And realise I need to breathe
Then I’m screaming for air,
Someone, drag me out of here, PLEASE.

And yet I never take their hands
I never put the effort in
I never try to hold my breath
I never really try to swim

It’s my drug and I love it
And that is so wrong
But it scares me to death
When I’m down there too long.

When I can’t break the surface
That is when I scream
WHY?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!
DO YOU HATE YOURSELF? IS THAT IT?

Or are you just so empty….
Every single day…
That misery is salvation
In so many ways.

It’s easy to find
And it’s easy to cry
And you bear it for a while
Until
You
Feel like
You want
To die.

Rain patters on the window -
I can smell its fresh scent
From the tiny window
Above my head.

The smack of branches hit the moving roof
Like his hand on my damp cheeks
Will I remember the taste of my blood tonight?
I rock in the flimsy seat.

The whir of the engine
                 The fed up faces
Oh how I so wish
                 To swap in their places.

Earphones are in
Chewing gum-flavoured sighs
Stick it under the seat
after the ride.

                   I imagine them trudging
                   through their front doors
                  Home is their salvation.
My anxiety soars.

                   They step over the threshold
                   And drop their bag on the floor
That's where I'd be laying
I'd endure it, like a chore.

Door opens with a creak as I slip from the rain
But rain is a favourite pastime.
No one chases me out of the house
When the sun has ceased to shine.

                            They smell mum's cooking
I smell mum's ****
                            Their parents smile
She hears me and screams.

                      Crunch goes their foot on a dropped crisp
Crunch goes his foot on my hand
                        An abuse documentary? Turn that TV over
                        Darling stick your head in the sand

                   "Did you have a nice day at school?"
                   That's what they are always asked
How nice: I can't hear what I'm told
Im waiting for the ringing to pass.

There is a little flower
Sat in front of me
Purple and delicate
It tilts its head in pity

As it watches in forever silence
At my scarily endless tears
At my gagging devastation.
The realisation of my fears.

I'm thinking of my only Daughter
The very light of my being
That lost her life last night
A sudden, unjust reckoning.


This flower in front of me
Has a note attached to its stem.
It says "I'm sorry you lost Her"
But Her life meant nothing to them.

This beautiful, wilting creature
is meant to replace Her
As if a pathetic flower
Could ease these crippling burns.

This single papery display of nature
Is just as temporary as She.
In a few weeks it'll be dead like her
Tell me flower - was she robbed of life,
or is she free?!

Is this some kind of cruel joke?
They feel my pain "like an ache in their heart"
But as if to remind me of what I just went through
They give a grieving mother a dying plant.

And yet...
Its beauty reminds me of Her...
Its delicate movements in the breeze
Its quiet solitude and sophistication...
Colour of the deepest seas.

I'll enjoy it while I can
The lift before the fall
I'll give this flower a chance because
maybe it's not so bad after all...

Evacuate the cockpit,
Give me the joystick,
I am the one in control.

Enough of your decisions,
Enjoy my dominion,
This is what you deserve.

You don’t need to speak,
Go join with the weak,
I am not listening.

Don’t give me your emotion,
My plan is in motion,
There is nothing you can do.

How does it feel?
Your fate is sealed.
Helpless just like me.

See, I am weakest upon this ship,
My esteem drains drip by drip.
But you don’t know that.
Because I am in control.

Divide and conquer,
Narcissistic, off my rocker,
I am your ruler now.

Don’t look me in the eye,
Shut up and stand in line,
I. Am in. Control.

I believe in angels,
Their wings of feathers white.
They glow almost golden,
In the morning light.

It's such a relief,
To see the halos on their heads.
Because no one looking at such a thing
Could ever wish that they were dead.

The rays, when they hit you,
It reminds you why you're here.
They put a pillow under your head
And wipe away your tears.

I believe in angels,
They come to me at night.
They sit by me while I rock myself,
And hold onto the bottle tight.

Their voices are only whispers,
Takes my breath away to hear.
I try to curl up on their shoulders,
But they always disappear.

We see you commander,
Floating away.
Don’t lower your flag,
We need you to stay.

Don’t lift off this Earth.
That won’t do you good.
You’ll only be lonely,
We did what we could.

Will the little men save you?
I think not.
Don’t float away,
Or you will be gone.

Commander, you command this rocket,
Starboard, port, into the abyss.
We serve under you without failure,
But we cannot function like this.

I know you think that no one will care,
But we do, we love you, and life is not fair.

You have a purpose; Commander come back,
Don’t give up on us,
or we will all crack.

I saw all hours
Day and night.
You kept me up,
Brought me up to fight.

Worked me and worked me
'Till I fell
Then dragged me up
And gave me hell.

From a child
You dragged me down.
Told me to fight back -
To win the crown.

Made me build my walls
Like you, impregnable.
You took me to town
And showed me around
And said
GO CONQUER IT ALL!

You told me to ignore
The tears on my face.
Get up and fight on;
Spit the blood you taste.

Broken bones are trophies,
Bruises are victory.
Wear them proud
Among the crowd
LOOK HOW STRONG YOU WILL BE.

I cant be broken apart anymore
I am indestructible

You broke me to make me
You shook me to shape me
And it paid off
I'm indestructible.

I'M INDESTRUCTIBLE.

You’re preaching your vanity
To my innocent insanity
But I will hide within
While you strut and jut your chin.

Feeble destruction, I confess
Sitting in my pretty dress.
Ribbons of gold and silk of blue
I wouldn’t lift my skirt for you.

Roses white and gentle pink
Stained with red when the thorns *****
To behead a rose - 'tis not wise
Our stinging beauty terrifies.

Among the peonies, footsteps soft
Pretty little ladies’ faces don’t rot.
Corsets choking our manic laughter
Underneath her frills it’s a disaster.

My innocent insanity
Comes with a smile.
Take my paper hand good sir
Stay with me for a while.

You’ll enter blind
And leave a new man
Able to hear
That that is not there
And barely able to stand.

The tune filled all of their ears
But was not present in the air.
I called to my fair lady,
But she screamed it was not fair.

It clearly wasn’t your day,
You live in tomorrow because you have no today.
You live their nightmares:
“he lives the dream”
They say.

4, 6, 8, 10
Here we go again and again.
Break your neck dancing on your head,
Because your legs have fallen dead.

Butterflies in your stomach,
And you shot them all down.
Now it feels too heavy,
What are you doing? Get off the ground.

Angels are falling,
Machine guns in hand.
“It’s not right!” you cry.
They can shoot, but not stand.

Caught in the crossfire,
You are lulled to sleep.
You’re twisted,
Your lives have been listed.
Which one do you want to keep?

Today upon these very fields
Meadows of green and flowers yield
As breeze stops dead and from the leaves
Comes a young girl in khaki green.
Her dress is light, and her song is sweet
As she picks her way on dainty feet.

But she is not the first to trek
Through fresh-scented woods with curling breath
In khaki green amidst the sea
Of indigo and white and brightest green.

For as she scrabbles amongst dirt and stone
She finds in her hand to be a bone.
Unknowing of the man that shed it like
A moulting woodlark born for flight.

Unknowing too is she of the dew
That clings to blades of grass as slew
Were brothers of flesh and blood and heart.
What once was clouded red is glass.

She rises as the night descends,
Skips home with grubby hands and dress
But she is the only one in khaki green
Whom after those woods was ever seen.

The forest left to whistle and sway
Waits for the girl tomorrow-day
When she will escape its clutches once more
Dancing on the graves of twenty-four.

I touched human skin in the darkness.
It spoke.
It told me its name,
And I told it mine.

We talked for hours,
and never let go of one another,
Because we knew if we did,
We might never be able to find each other again.
They were my light in the darkness.
I no longer needed the sun
To light up my world.

We spent our days feeling our way around the walls,
Hands clenched together.
I stopped searching for a way out
And stayed with them instead.

Our love was boundless,
As boundless as the abyss  
We stumbled around in every day.

Every night he’d count his lucky stars,
But he could never get past zero.

He curled against the city streets,
Nothing to drink, nothing to eat.

He had no one.
No one to make him feel like the sky was only being held up
because they existed.
Every single day he searched
For a reason to be alive.

Painting a smile on his face
As he stared at the flowers.
“Aren’t they beautiful?”
Telling himself he loved the sky and its stars,
Pleading with himself to find enjoyment in something. Anything.
Because he was scared if he didn’t find something,
He wouldn’t be living anymore.

He was the withering flower on the sidewalk,
He sat in people’s shadows
And never felt the sunlight on his skin.

Goosebumps spiked on his bare arms,
The light in the windows looked so warm.
Soft gold…
The radiant glow of guaranteed survival.

Every night he’d count his lucky stars,
But he could never get past zero.

Mirror mirror on the wall
How dare you show me that face
I am disgusted the image displayed
'Tis one I must replace.

Mirror mirror on the wall
Turn away from me
Don't highlight my eyes or the curve of my lips
I don't want to see.

Mirror mirror on the wall
You ambush me every time I come in.
There she is, glaring in glassy grey
The woman with a face of sin.

Mirror mirror on the wall
I'll drape a veil over you
Just like I do myself every day
You can be a mourner too.

Mirror mirror on the floor
Look at your warped shards of me
A fit of anger, a rage of hate
I have won, and I.
  Will.
      Not.
          See.

I hear him at night.
He growls and he grins.
It runs straight through me,
With whispers of sin.

His breath, it makes me choke,
His voice makes tears fall.
And when someone runs to help,
They see nothing at all.

The sun it shines with radiance,
And then he slithers away.
But as the sun falls,
Out he crawls,
And I can hear him say:

“Shush little lady,
Don’t you scream.
You know you deserve this,
You know it’s no dream.”

They all come running,
They shake me by the arms.
Demanding what’s the matter,
Demanding that I calm.

But the monster that is under my bed,
He leaves them all alone.
And no one else believes me,
While I have always known.

(Maybe don't read this one if you are feeling low)

There’s an infinite difference between living and surviving,
We live by striving, pushing, thriving.
We survive by breathing, eating, sleeping,
But just surviving leaves us void of dreaming.

You give so much and you get none back,
It’s funny how the world works like that.
We collect in a crowd, a silent swarm,
The more people are around us, the less are warm.

We are lost in a sea of miserable minds,
Making money to pass the time.
And all that time you do what you hate,
Are years of your life you don’t hesitate to waste.

Born to grow up and do some job,
That’s just the way it always was.
This is the way they have made our lives,
You have no control, we’re all deprived.

Your country wants war, but you do not?
Sorry pal, that’s real tough luck.
Because of people you don’t even know,
Your family will be slaughtered, and so will you.

It’s funny how the world is this way,
Going through the motions every day.
It makes me wonder, are we really living?
Or do we just survive only to end up dying?

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men,
They can't put me together again.
Every day I sit on that wall,
But the poison’s kicked in and I’ve started to fall.

Mary had a little lamb,
Before it was taken and weighed at 50 kg.
She searched and she searched for that little white coat,
In her woollen shawl with its name on a note.

Incy Wincy spider climbed and he fell,
Stuck in his pipe of internal hell.
Battling smoke and rattling lungs,
But Incy Wincy won’t give it up.

She’s a little teapot, short and stout,
The others laugh and point and shout,
Her self-esteem’s boiling, she’s holding it tight,
Pour it all out while she cannot fight.

Have you got me any wool?
No sir, no sir you took it all.
What do you mean it’s all my fault?
Why do your kisses taste like salt?

Ring-a-ring-a roses shattered in the rain,
They are only flowers, they don’t feel the pain.
All fall, all fall, we all fall down,
Three days rotting before you’re found.

Painfully beautiful
Enchantress unreal.
Flaunts her darkness, dutiful
All her frills of sin
All her laces of evil.

Mystifying, electrifying
Seethes like lightning
Lethal to touch
She’s scorching, Excruciating, blinding.

Red dresses with hems alight
Fire-laden wings aflight
Collect, sinners unite
Bow to her to live
Endure her to survive.

You've lost your way,
The fog has rolled in.
Your chances of survival
Are a **** sight dim.

Your pretty little face
Wont stay pretty for long,
'Cause death has come
To sing his song.

He is everywhere, nowhere,
He cannot be seen.
You pray for some mercy,
He doesn't hear your pleas.

I am the Silver Boy
On a lonely road.
You are with me now,
But soon will be alone.

One day our paths will differ,
Part your hand from mine.
Don’t cry for me brother,
Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.

I was so lost,
And Heaven took me in.
It gave me a purpose,
It taught me how to live.

No more do I swing
From rafters high.
I fly through skies blue,
Where the birds do fly.

I was the Silver Boy,
With the silver eyes.
Now I am a Golden Child,
The one that never cries.

I’ll take the reins from you,
I’ll be the strong one now.
I’ll hold you up as you held me…
For brother, we are found.

Dear Sister,
I love you,
But you cannot come near.

You don’t understand it at all.

You chastise me
For not trusting you.
You cry when I drift away.

But Sister, it is better
For both of us this way.

Let me go,
You’re already afloat,
And I’m sinking fast.

Please, stop clinging,
And let me rise to the surface.

You drive me into the ground,
Then demand I stand up.

But how can I hold on,
When you take everything away?

You are born draining the life
Out of everyone you meet.

And you hold me
And whisper,
‘I don’t want to hurt you.’

But that’s exactly what you do.
And you always will.

So Sister,
I love you,
But please leave.

You have my heart,
And I am sorry,
But for my sanity’s sake,
You can never have me.
**

Walking through the silence
I see her weary face.
She gives me a smile with no happiness,
And walks with miserable grace.

Flowers of force bloom on her face,
Etchings of pain and tears.
And yet she speaks not of it,
She bows her head in fear.

She relaxes when in company
And drinks her whiskey neat.
But when the people leave her,
She crumples at his feet.

First there was fear
A stranger approaching.
Caressing me
Touching me,
Stroking my neck
with fingers so silky
I questioned whether they were there.

There was no use fighting
But I didn't know
And so I tried.

In one swift spin
like a lady on a dance floor
I was whirled into a wall.
Gentleman, ever so gentle,
He lay me against the brick
Like smoothing a poster flat.

Moving his hands
deft and soft,
up and down me, like a lover,
but only as a hunter.

I melted under his touch,
He took me by the chin and pulled me close.
And my breath was taken away from me
upon smelling his heavenly scent.

Like the vermilion rose of a summer's day
dipped in honey,
Sickly and welcoming.

I eased into his embrace,
His lips brushed my neck,
Pressing harder, harder,
I could barely feel the pain.

His lips pulled at my skin,
the warmth rushed into my head
and I grew sleepier and sleepier.

Sighing into his collarbone,
Against his open collar,
'Twas a rip into reality
When he pulled away.

I never got to see the face
of my ten second lover.
He vanished before my blurry eyes
And left me weak and trembling
With blood running down my neck
and from his lips.

I feel SICK.
Empty.
Half a being.

This silence
Is driving me crazy.

No one is bleeding.
No screams to be heard.
The battle-cries are silenced.

All I see is a whole lot of nothing.
The adrenaline is gone.
Without the rush, the burn,
I am dead.

All the fighting, I would sob,
The threat of death,
Loved ones being hurt,
I prayed for peace.

But this peace, it’s WRONG.
It’s too silent.
Eerie.

And I sicken myself in hoping,
Someone will swing a sword.
Aching to remember the feeling
Of pure, raw violence.

I need my rush, my high.
The wind on my face,
Wings in the sky.

I need the searing pain,
The crimson of blood.

I need the crushing misery,
I need the burning grief.

Only then do I feel remotely human.
Only then do I feel alive.

Many years I have spent,
Trapped in the painful numb.
An abyss embracing my tortured mind,
No destiny, no forwards, nothing to come.

My dwelling silent, so silent,
I don’t even hear my breath.
Broken-down, an old ghost town,
Branded with sadness and death.

I gulp, I step, my frail legs so old,
I step
I step again
My body going cold.

I feel my voice is taken,
I hear the non-existent screams,
I see my haunted sister,
I see the light in her eyes lose its gleam.

I’m shaking with sobs,
I’m struck with grief,
I’m frozen on the stairs
Of house no.3.

I look up,
I hear the sound, the tinkling of the piano,
My former-self sitting spellbound,
At her soprano,

Sister, o sister,
How well you used to play,
I rush, suddenly, with a surge of love,
Up the stairs I have dreaded every day.

The landing is cold,
In the lonely gloom,
The piano sits, deprived of being played,
In a cobwebby tomb.

I approach it, fearful,
But content,
This is the object,
That caused this event.

I know what to do,
With shaking bones,
I place my hands on the keys,
All of them, clones.

The chord, I play,
The very last one,
The last one she played,
Before she was gone.

It brought me back,
To the terrifying time,
The moment of her peril,
That corrupted my mind.

I push down the keys,
The sound rings out,
I suddenly scream,
I sing, I shout.

I am freed from my pain,
Freed from this cage,
My mission complete,
I’ve finished my last page.

The whistle of the chimney
Sweeps in, nothing to say,
The wind curls around me,
And blows me away.

I know I'm ******* wrong
I'm the sickness in the poor man's bones.
Parasytical, I move in you
I drive your desire,
Feed you fire
Slip away when I'm overthrown.

Face your fears
In the mirror
You know you crave Death's chase.
Pupils black
Staring back
I can touch your face.

Fingertips cold,
Baby you're bold,
You don't flinch away.
I enter through a single sin
Slipping underneath your skin
Oh Darling,
I am here to stay.

Need for control, keep them in line,
Emotions cannot stay.
It’ll do no good,
For my mind to stray.

The thought of losing control,
Doing something not entirely planned:
A nightmare, terrifying.
God have mercy, I can’t stand.

Under this spell,
Her image never leaves me.
Imposter – what is this?
W h a t
A r e
Y o u
D o i n g
T o
M e ?

Can’t take my eyes off.
My shell of steel, it weeps,
Slowly melting,
Pooling at our feet.

The light inside pours out,
Gasping with rattling lungs for some air,
Golden, but cold, divine and lonely,
I’d be no man to say I’m scared.

The light, it spreads.
Moving with her grace,
Like an angel’s glow
That seeps across her face.

Control slips its hand from mine,
Like a parent letting go of her child.
Go, it whispers. You don’t need me,
Not with her eyes, her smile.

Back and forth back and forth,
Light, control, light, control.
Balanced on the edge of nothingness
Don’t fall into that hole.

Control shrinks to nothing,
And emotion is forced into my lungs
Like being drowned.
No longer dodging the guns.

That’s when I pull her to me
Our hearts scream inside.
My brain yelling “DON’T YOU DARE!”
I won’t. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t possibly-
I lied.