At one point I called you father, and meant it.
You were not my father by blood, simply by marriage.
I had longed for a father figure for as long as I could remember,
A man who would love and raise me as his own.
The good memories were brief snippets of happier times,
While the bad were vivid, distinct memories that lasted for what felt like hours.
A nightmare that I could never escape from,
They were engrained in my memory like the words to my favorite song.
I wish I could forget all the difficult memories and focus on the good times that we had together.
What little they were, anyways.
I wish I could forgive, the way my five year old self did,
Oh, the love and admiration she had for you.
Now all that was left was anger and a bitter resentment.
The anger and confusion that came with the abuse that you perpetuated.
I would never call you Father again, if I ever saw you
I would look at you in disgust and pity,
For you will never know true, selfless, love.
And for that, I feel sorry for you.

~sdr

all the **** from your mouth that you thought was inspiring
slowly broke me down until my hope was expiring
never opened my mouth to come back with inquiries
just kept my head down and wrote my thoughts in a diary
and you read it, pathetic,
invading my privacy
called me out for feigning sadness and my ‘bogus’ anxiety
cause “im a better dad than mine so shut up and be quiet kid”
“you’re lucky im the head of this dysfunctional dynasty”
well congratulations dad, you’ve earned notoriety
for forcing my respect in the form of compliancy
and disbelieving science and the facts of psychiatry
so i ran away from home to join the freaks of society
where else could i escape from your emotional piracy?

When I left home,
I was broken and bruised.
Daddy took it out on me
When he fell victim to the *****.
I thought when I graduated,
I'd finally get to choose.
Find a world where the bars
played rock instead of the blues.
The day everything changed,
There was a fork in the road.
There was a wise old man,
And this is what I was told.
"If you go to the left, you'll stay in hell.
But you'll get your revenge
when he dies in a cell.
But if you don't want revenge,
go to the right.
You'll travel the world,
you'll make a difference.
But it will be hard to sleep at night."
I didn't even think. I ran to the right.
He told me it would never be the same
If I ever had to come back.
But I was okay with that.
I had everything I needed in my sack.
Five years later,
I woke up alone in bed.
A purple heart hung above my head.
Even though I am where I am today,
I don't regret it.
Because when I go to my grave,
When someone is asked to describe me,
They'll say "he was brave."

As my father lay,
passed out in his chair
with whiskey nursing his dead heart
and healing his origami wrists

My sister and I's stomaches ache with hunger
I sacrifice my last piece of poptart to her
and pray to make it till my mother comes home

She crashes into the door
An alarm for my father harmonizes in a disastrous symphony
He dashes out the door for the next shift
Leaving my mother, crying after seeing the mess and her children passed out by the empty fridge

Her grease burnt arms scrub the wine covered coffee table
Until red stains turn pink and empty cigarette packs fill the trash

She picks up a glass and fills it with wine
and drinks away the memories until everything is warm

Thus continues the cycle

Money sparse, bills unpaid, cupboards nearly bare
Two parents whose love had been infested with addiction and depression
stemming from broken, abusive homes and even more abusive past relatioships

Leaving two children in the destruction of constant fighting which led to divorce

The eldest following her mother's footsteps of constant abuse and taking on her father's pain with origami wrists to match

The youngest never bounced back, a brick wall built from years of silence left her permanently mute. Every day she drifts further and further away from reality and lives in her fantasy world.

Some people are used to goodbyes
And I am one of them...
Believe me! I know it really well.

But some of them did not even say a goodbye
They just banged the door while leaving
And messed up my home.
By breaking all those moments in frames...
Painting my red door black...
And smashing the radio...
Now I have these walls
Really long blue walls...around my home
Allowing noone to enter.

rain at night
war of thunder
i'm soaked and scared
said,
wait for me, father

but he didn't stay
and i had dead

purple flowers
on top of a mountain
he pointed at them
i hiked
thorns in bare hand

but he didn't stay
and i had dead

i'll be a king if he wants me to
and i'll be a corpse if he wants me to
i did
and i can keep doing it

and he still didn't stay
but i'm alive

why do we born
to be weak
to be owned
to recover alone

why do we taught
not to say no
not to be heard
not to be complete

you were right in front of me
but i missed you so bad
like you're not there

you only wanted to be loved
why can't i give it
why can't we
to each other

who were you before your brother broke your heart for the first time when you were nine years old?
how much hope shone through your bright brown eyes before you realized your mom was human too?
and she could lie,
and she could break your heart,
and she could show you for the first time in your life why trusting someone is so terrifying.

who were you before?
before your father could barely look you in the eyes
because he didn't care to understand the pain you tried so hard to keep inside.
it destroyed you,
but you destroyed him.

the ones who say love isn't real.
i don't think they've ever been talking about a silly boy or girl.
i don't think a relationship has ever crossed their mind when their chest strains to beat through the tears.
i don't think they ever got the chance to form that bond,
just to feel it break.

i think they were too busy picking up the pieces,
broken on the floor of the house they were raised in all those years,
with the people who were supposed to show them what love is.

i think they know what it isn't.

How can i forget
When i never even got to choose to forgive you for myself
I never had the chance to comprehend
Cuz you shoved your apologies down my throat
Everything I've ever forgiven you for was to save you,
It was not for myself
Well, I wont forgive you for that
It's not how forgivness works