I don't know how to love
Like the ocean loves its waves
Or the way the sun dips below the horizon
Painting their love across the canvas of clouds
For all the world to stop and admire.

I can only love
In the way only secrets are loved
In between the shadows and the whispers
Of things meant to be kept between the lines.

My love for you would manifest
In brilliant art
But it would be forever locked away
In a deep chest only our eyes could see

My love for you would sing out
In the chords of harmony
Never meant to reach anyone's ears
But our own

My love for you would be
Loyal
   And
      Wondrous

Hidden from the world
Because my whole world would be you
Everything I would do would be for you
....
But you would never want that kind of love
...
You'd rather live for the likes
And the cute couple-y comments
You'd live for the documenting every second
Of every moment of our relationship

You'd rather have a social trophy-love
Than the grandest,
Most truest form of love
You'll never get to see

So I guess that's why
I'd never get to love you...
   *Because I wouldn't know how to...

You built me up
Just to shoot me down
Breaking me past shattered
Shattering me beyond broke

Like Humpty Dumpty
Doomed to never recover.
Except the walls were my own
And you gave me the push

You made me feel
Like I was the Queen
But I was nothing more
Than a pawn
In your sick games.

How naive I must've been
To believe in the illusion of love
Your poisonous words
Like honey on my skin

Now I cut off the poison
And distanced myself from you
The feeling of losing a limb
Along with my mind

My heart aching,
My body shaking,
My lips yearning for you
Yet there's nothing left
For anything
Or anyone
So I scream
And scream
And scream
And scream

Till there's nothing left
But the lost tears of my childhood,
Your tainted things crashed against the wall,
A Shadow,
My demons,
And **I

One wall is full of magnificent posters
Of a little girl's future dreams.
The other painted over with vibrant art.
One wall is a diary oozing with words
Of every unwritten song and unsaid thought
The other a painted map of all the adventures
That await her if she follows her heart.
...
Yet these posters cover up gaping holes
The paint covers up the scars
The words cover up the pain
The map her deep flaws
...
The room was never meant to be seen
By anyone else but the girl
Who lived in fear of the demons
Before realizing she
Was the only monster
Living under her own bed.
...
And no matter what she did
To cover up her empty walls,
The suffering
  Would forever
    Be locked
     Within them
...
Her room forever emptier
Than her heart.

If there's any hope left
It's sewn in the edges of the stars
That sprinkle over the midnight sky
While I lay fitting perfectly
In your warm arms...

If there's any hope left
It's in the echoing sounds of the music
Dancing out of our guitars
While we strum and sing
Perfectly to the beat
Of our mending hearts...

If there's any hope left
I see it in your smile
And in the pool of your deep dark eyes
When you pull me close
Next to the cackling of the bonfire
And the sound of the gossiping woods...

If there's any hope left
I feel it in your lips
As they pull and whisper in mine
I feel it on your warm skin
As your fingers electrify my body
To spell out "I love you"
Over and over again
Till the morning wind
Blows on our fates
*And washes the hope away...

She grew thorns...
Not to lure him in
        with deception
But to keep him out
        who was deception
For as beautiful as she was,
She was dangerous within
Her petals holding secrets
No world could bear...
She grew thorns
All to protect
Her fragile heart
From unleashing
Her sins...

What is it to breathe
If we're worlds apart

What is it to live
If not in your arms

Standing in a sea of people
As a lone island
Floating around
In the endless nothingness
Drifting away and drowning
Falling apart
And piecing yourself back together
Over and over
And over again
Every single second of the day
Wishing for it to all stop
Helplessly knowing
Nobody will ever hear
Your silent cries
...
Noone could ever save you
Because how could they
Ever save you
From yourself
...
It's hearing yourself talk
And move
And smile
Maybe even laugh
But knowing
It's all an act
With noone to yell "cut"
At the end of the scene..
Because your whole life
Has become a giant play,
Where there could be
A thousand people
And a thousand lights,
There could be a thousand claps
And a thousand great nights
Still all the while
You'd be a thousand times lonely
Drowning in the lights
Drowning in the laughter
Drowning in yourself
All because
You've become too good
At acting
Like you could swim
...
Depression is killing yourself
Slowly
Every day
Every minute
Every single second,
From the inside out
Because you don't know
Who you are anymore
Except for an empty body
Defining disappointment
And a burden
And a void of fake
All wrapped in one.
...
Depression is Loneliness
Depression is Acting
Depression is Drowning
But most of all,
Depression is Me.

My worst fear as a kid
Never was monsters under my bed
Because before I could even walk
I'd known monsters lived within us
Within me
...
It was waking up one day
And realizing the world
Had moved on without me,
Realizing the world
Had left me
As nothing more
Than a faceless void in the crowd
...
Now I'm stuck
Forever running
Trying to catch up with time
Alone
Lost
Scared out of my mind,
Wishing someone would
Just hold my hand
And tell me everything would be okay,
Except it won't..
It never will be
...
But you've cried your tears already
You've already mourned my loss
Because my guardian angel
Won't let me die
And now I'm back as a bigger burden
Than I could ever imagine..
A burden on you,
A burden on those closest to me
A burden on my parents
And my friends and family
Hell, I'm even a burden
On myself
...
How am I supposed to burden you
With truths I won't even admit to myself?
How am I supposed to tell you what's wrong
When nothing is right to begin with?
How am I supposed to fit so many unsaid words,
And so many unsaid feelings
Into a couple meaningless letters strung together?
How am I supposed to hold on to you
When we're living in different times?
Because everything and everyone around me
Is fast forwarding and moving in slow-motion
All at the same time.
Because I'm still suffering in the past
And you've moved on with the rest of the world.
Because everything has changed
And I'm nothing more than a heavy heart
And an empty soul...
Because I've turned into
My own worst fear
...
I'm trying to hold on to some hope
Not yet ready to disappear altogether
The hope I find in your smile
The hope I find in your laughter.
This hope I find because my most favorite thing
In the entire world besides music
Is making someone smile
And seeing you happy.
So maybe if I can do that
My meaningless rebirth
Would have been worthwhile
And yet
That's exactly why
I have to let you go
...
I'm nothing more than a freak
Who rose from the dead
Resurrecting more demons
That made home in my head
And you're someone
I'd give my whole life to..
My mistake wasn't loving you
It was not letting you go sooner
Because your only mistake was
Loving me more than I deserved.
...
      Because those risen from the dead
        Have no place with the living
         And they never will.

Depression is art
The kind few actually understand
It's poetry is embodied in the paint
That covers the artist's hands.
And the canvas drips words
That fill up the empty space
With colors of black and blue
To fill up the feeling of grey
Within the emptiness
Of the corners of the artist's heart.
But the design isn't yet finished
The last stroke waiting to breathe
On the canvas to complete it
Before the world can see.
Slices of red added to the portrait
And specks of tears too
To complete the last touch
Of the masterpiece for you.
...
But you know what they say
Most art isn't understood
And the poetry behind it all
Is lost in the colors too.
For you would only know
If you knew this:
That the art was her soul
But the canvas was her **skin

I've been tossed overboard
By my own ship of life
Forgotten by the world
Drowning in my own pain
And the lost words I shout
Never to be heard...
I've slipped everyone's mind
Adrift alone at sea
No one seems to hear my cries
All I have left is me
But I'm getting tired of myself
And the demons
Constantly trying to drown me
....
What's the point anyway
In living life just to survive
When there's nothing
To survive for
I guess I might as well
Calm the seas
By giving in to the tides
And letting my body
Wash up on the *shore

A beautiful Rose
In a field of dandelions
Not alone
Yet lonely
Forever cursed
To never belong

Slowly fading away...

It was he who'd been too busy
Picking at her petals
To realize she was beautiful
Just the way she was

It was she
Who learned to grow thorns
To keep him away

...

For it was she
Who realized
He was the darkness
That wouldn't hesitate
To crush her
Just to mold her
To his liking

...

She was a beautiful Rose
In a field of dandelions
Not alone
And still a bit lonely
Slightly cursed
To never belong
But content
To forever belong
With herself

*And that's all that mattered...

I once almost drowned in my own tears
Of sorrow and of guilt
For my hands were stained
From the blood of the innocent girl
Whose life I just took...

Her eyes held the wonder
Of the galaxies she wanted to explore
Her hands held the promise
Of a beautiful world she cared for...

Yet with my bare hands
I strangled her worthless
And threw her into the icy river
That flowed with the lost dreams
Of those who were thrown in before her...

The rainbows turned to dust
The flowers to wilted pain
The love turned to empty alleys
An innocent girl gone insane

I turned her into a void,
A rag doll with no control...
I turned her into me
For it was I who took my own soul...

They're wrong about death
We shouldn't be afraid of it
Nor cry over it..
Especially when
Life is what gives us pain

...

*Death gives us an escape

She has tattoos covering her body
Blanketing miles of skin
Tattoos hidden from the world
Endless swirls of words within
Words anyone ever threw at her
A porcelain doll forever embedded with a cry
A cry for help that will never come
For the tattoos are hidden to the naked eye

No one else can see the stamps of hatred
Inked permanently beneath her skin
She just wants to run and hide them away
Bury them along with her demons of sin

Yet behind the blank stares they still whisper
Ambushing her with more tattoos

Fat
  Loner
      ******
          Ugly
            Worthless
She begs for it to stop before she goes insane
  Clingy
      ******
         ****
            Useless
Yet the words never stop inking her frame
   *****
      Failure
         Burden
           Disappointment
          

So to release some ink
She paints on her skin
With a paintbrush that stains red

Down her wrists
She writes some more
If only you could take back what you *said

Let your sweet lips
D
      r
          i
               p
Ecstasy onto my own
For the night is all
Ours
...
And all I want
    Is to get            h
                          g
                     i
              H
                  In your *love

Tell me
   When
       Did the lines
          Between
             My nightmares
                 And
                    This reality
                          Blur
                               And
                                   *Break

You say I'm running from myself
I guess you're right
Maybe I am
All I know is that the reason
I hear my heartbeat so clearly
Is because my chest is hollow

I am made up of layers
Too many layers
As if my skin
Was preparing to survive
Out in dead winter at the South Pole

I'm annoying
  I'm distrustful

    I'm stubborn
       And I'm doubtful

           And secretive

Maybe downright manipulative

   But most of all I'm exhausted

Exhausted of the nothingness
   That I float around in
Exhausted of everything
  That comes and goes
    Ensuring chaos
Exhausted of everything and nothing
  And all things in between
         Exhausted of
                     **living

How wrong it must be
For me to want you
For me to miss you
After all you did
Was break me down
And tear me to shreds

Yet after all that pain
I'd still give you
Whatever pieces are left
Of my heart
My body
And my soul

I'd give you
Everything
I have
Knowing
You'd give me
Nothing
At all

Because sometimes you start to fly
And realize your wings were simply a web of lies
Tell me, when you shake off the illusion
Who's going to save you
When you come crashing to the ground
Who's going to catch you
When your heart catches up with reality
And realizes dreams are just that
That life's nothing but an anchor
Weighing you to the ground
So that only when you shut your eyes
Can you lift your feet off the burden
And grow out real wings to fly

What if
I write and I write
Until I have no words to say
(And since these lines are all I have)
I then wither of loneliness
And fade away....

What if*
Even worse off I'll be
If I shout everything
With my bleeding pencils
And those words simply bounce
Off the walls and echo
Never to be heard
But forever trapped
In the silent rooms
Inside my head
Torturing me
For infinity...

She's always the center of attention
Gracefully floating through seas of people
Swimming in the flashes of stardom
Surrounded by millions
And yet
She's so empty inside...

Tell me how does a smiling face like her's
Feel so alone and broken
While surrounded by so many people loving her?

Tell me how does a privileged status like her's
Feel so isolated and depressed
While surrounded by so many riches adoring her?

Yet behind her smile
And into her eyes
I can see it all
I can see past that disguise

Because beyond the lights
There hides a lonely girl
Who'd been tossed
Into an unforgiving world
One with plastic smiles
That slowly robbed pieces of her heart
...
Till she was left with
*Nothing

Meeting you was a breath of fresh air
A new beginning
And a chance to forget the past

Little did I know our time was limited
The clock ticking
The sands escaping every moment in our hourglass

My heart
Is not your toy
That you can come and use
At your leisure
Then throw away
When it becomes used and broken

And I'll let you in on a secret...

It may look shiny and new
But its shattered to the core
Broken beyond repair
Simply dressed to impress
So it can stay on the top shelf
For its highest bidder
So that its cycle can continue
Forever