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Jun 2018 · 1.4k
It's Unfair...
Rebel Heart Jun 2018
It's unfair
How when people leave
Everything that reminds you of them
Tends to stay
It's unfair
How I can't just move on
Without dying a little everyday
It's unfair
...
~It's unfair how much I miss you and
it's unfair how much I really shouldn't
.
(Haven't posted in a long time and probably won't be posting for a time after this week is over so here's the beginning of a 6 page long rant of the most hypocritically written piece of RH's that I've ever read.. Happy Writing ~BM)

(Front Page 6/5/2018)
Rebel Heart May 2018
...
Because in between the notes
That hum a melody through my veins
I find the overbearing reality
Of the ghosts that scream out
In a rising soprano
So out-of-tune that I'm afraid
The pieces left of my heart
Will shatter into nothingness
And leave me empty
With no music to describe
The burden of these demons I carry
...
Most of all,
I'm afraid
To live in this void
Of infinite silence
That forever threatens
To swallow me whole
(Front Page 5/8/2018)
Rebel Heart May 2018
...
But in the deafening sounds of silence
There lay thousands of silent screams
Never to be heard by anyone
But the ghosts that haunted
The sinners and the ******
...
If only you could hear
The echoing of their voices
In the corners of my mind
In the emptiness of the night
Then and only then
Would you understand
That behind my smiles
And stupid childish jokes
Lies a thousand unheard screams
Demanding me
To let them break out
And finally be free
...
Because I am the Tortured and the ******.
(Front Page 5/6/2018)
Rebel Heart May 2018
...
But the second I chose
To embrace who I was
I plunged into a darkness
So thick
I lost my own reflection
...
and When I finally emerged
I saw a once-broken girl
Turn into the very demons
That tormented her
...
And she then turned
Into the very monsters
That made her suffer
In the land of supposed dreams
...
And that little girl
Was wiped from existence
Just. Like. That.
Never to be found
Ever again
(Front Page 5/5/2018)
Rebel Heart Apr 2018
...
And Yet
I will not seek the forgiveness
I know I don't deserve
And
I will not seek the redemption
My demons wouldn't allow
...
And I will live on
With the heartbreaking truth
Of how someone
With a heart as pure as you
Could never be near
A monster like me.
(Front Page 5/2/2018)
Rebel Heart Apr 2018
Is it wrong
To wish
That for all the scars I own,
I could reopen just one
To let my demons spill out
So as to cleanse myself
Of the torturing sins
I carry as a weight
Within my veins...
But Alas
That would do nothing
But let more darkness in
...
(Front Page 4/29/2018)
Rebel Heart Apr 2018
...
And that was when
I finally realized
My demons made home
In the valleys of where
My wounds ran so deep
They became scars
Full of ghosts and regret
Echoing nothing but
The deafening screams
Of silence once lost
(I'm going to post up pieces of this particular poetry collection in the next few days that RebelHeart never got to publishing from years ago. I just miss her a little extra and I've always regretted not being able to see her hurting in the years past. Now that I do know she's hurting, I can't help her. Funny how life works. ~BM)

(Front Page 4/26/2018)
Apr 2018 · 617
All I Wish I Was
Rebel Heart Apr 2018
I wish for you
Perfect sunsets
And early morning day dreams
I wish for you
Perfect smiles
And living life to the extremes
...
I wish for you all that
And so much more
But most of all
I wish-
I wish I could be
The one you spend
All those memories with
And I wish that
More than you could ever know
...

And yet,
When you looked at me
With tears in your eyes
And asked why
I couldn't stay
...
Well behind my broken smile
Was the truths that stung to say
...
Because-
I'm not the kind of girl you fall in love with.
("I'm not the kind of girl you fall in love with" was something RH had once told me as an excuse that I later found was written in her lyric wall. LOL just wanted to share the excitement that I found I finally found the full poem I'm guessing it first started out from (so I shared some of it with all of you!). Sorry for the long notes lately I've been moody but Happy Writing! ~BM)

(Front Page 4/27/2018)
Apr 2018 · 646
Broken Eyes
Rebel Heart Apr 2018
I think
I'm finally starting
To see myself
Through your eyes...
So is it bad
That all I see
Is a sad girl
Too broken
To give her heart away?
They say the eyes are the window to the soul.. so is it bad that all you see when you look into my eyes is the broken shell of what I once was?

(A short poem I found hidden away from when RH was only 9 years old and it's sad that I knew her back then as this amazing, always optimistic girl who was always always there for anyone who needed a cheering up and somehow that same happy girl wrote these kinds of poems hidden away in a journal. LOL when I was nine I could barely spell my teachers name and was used to writing and rewriting variations of "roses are red violets are blue... I love you" poems. Happy Writing ~BM)

(Front Page 4/25/2018)
Apr 2018 · 322
Live a Little
Rebel Heart Apr 2018
We grow a little older
Every second of every day
And sometimes we forget
The night will always be young
(Another gem from the infamous lyric/quote wall that didn't make sense to me at first but now it does. Happy Writing! ~BM)

(Front Page 4/23/2018)
Apr 2018 · 646
Rewriting Regret
Rebel Heart Apr 2018
She writes her pains
In between the lines
Of the story of her life
..
Forever stuck in
What could've been
Forever wondering
What should've been
Forever tormented by
What would've been

Never stopping to think
How if she finally
Imprisoned the ghosts
Floating in her future's past
She wouldn't really know
What to do with them
(Some broken parts of a poem I found in one of RH's old novel drafts which I absolutely loved. Happy Writing!~ BM)

(Front Page 4/21/2018)
Apr 2018 · 291
Remedy For The Heart
Rebel Heart Apr 2018
If only there was
A medicine
That could cure
A broken heart
...
For I would
Give away everything
Just to feel
Whole again
(A lyric wall quote because today of all days I wish I could take something to help with a broken heart.~BM)
Apr 2018 · 1.1k
My Scars
Rebel Heart Apr 2018
He told me
My scars made me stronger
My scars made me beautiful
But he was wrong

The minute he realized
Just how deep the cuts ran-
Piercing through my skin
and bleeding out parts of my soul-
He turned the other way
And never looked back
Not once
...
And he left me thinking
How he was one of the good ones...
And if he couldn't love all of me
How would anyone ever
Love me for my scars?
...
How would anyone ever
Love me at all?
...
(Not a poem but a piece of one of RH's old novels I'm rereading just to realize I find something new to love about this story every time I read it. I'm missing her a lot more than usual lately but Happy Writing and thanks for the support! ~BM)

(Front Page 4/17/2018)
Apr 2018 · 539
Nothingness
Rebel Heart Apr 2018
My memories were those
I had yet to live,
My soul imprisoned
In the depths
Between life and death 
...
But in the nothingness
I found everything
I found hope,
And everything I ever craved
...
I found love-
Enough love
To finally break through
The cracks of reality
I had first called my life
...
And yet
I live and breath so deeply
Sometimes I swallow the nothingness
I so desperately try to hide

For I am haunted
By the things I've forgotten
And forgotten
By ones I'm haunted by
...
Just to be blown to dust
Once more into the nothingness
Like a fugitive
Running away from time
(Small pieces of a long-winding poem that hit me right in the heart today. ~BM)
Apr 2018 · 537
~Icarus~
Rebel Heart Apr 2018
Daedalus once warned
Don't fly too close to the sun
Life's but a childish game
We all play for fun
(Gem from the lyric wall made into a song I have yet to hear ~BM)

(Front Page 2/11/2018)
Apr 2018 · 739
Rain in All Forms
Rebel Heart Apr 2018
We dance on the edges
Of our silhouetted frames
As if we were water
Dripping lightly
On empty window panes

But you were the dewdrops
Bringing life to the days
Drizzling slightly to bring
Rainbows diminishing the grays

And the first time
Your deep ocean eyes
Met with mine
I began to wonder
If you would've danced in the rain
Singing as I always did
Or if you would've hid under umbrellas,
Like the others, too afraid
Of the storm
I was born to be?
(I recently read this old poem and realized one of two things. One- this was one of the shorter poems of RH's I've read in a while and that Two- I remembered a couple years ago looking over RH's shoulder as she wrote the final draft to a novel she wrote with the title of the same name (which was no doubt inspired by this poem). I never found out if it were ever published but it was one of my favorite novels by her by far and do hope to read it again in the future. Thank you all for the support so far and Happy Writing! ~BM)

(Front Page 4/7/2018)
Mar 2018 · 392
Finding Truths Pt.01
Rebel Heart Mar 2018
What if I told you
I'd leave the universe behind
Just to seek out
The little bits of the truth
That float in the nothingness
Surrounding it?
(The first poem to the short poetry collection named "Finding Truths". Unfortunately another project of RH's that remained unfinished I just began to read through this and it matches my mood right because it seems everyone in my life lately is incapable of telling the truth and I wish I could just rewrite my own story I guess. Happy Writing ~BM)
Mar 2018 · 515
Would You Lend Me A Place
Rebel Heart Mar 2018
If I had nowhere else to go
Left alone in the cold dark world
Would you lend me a place on your skin
To call my temporary home?
(A snippet from one of RH's old songs whose lyrics and arrangement I just got to read through. It's one of my favorite pieces and hope to hear it one day.. ~BM)
Mar 2018 · 1.0k
Pieces of Her
Rebel Heart Mar 2018
...
And in that moment I realized
Her pieces shatter more quickly
Than she can glue them together
And in between the broken seconds
That her universe is in chaos
Those pieces of her soul
Break down to mere dust
And float away in the winds
Of what once was
Joined by the false notion
That her future could be brighter
If only
She gathered her pieces
A little faster
.
(A long poem dedicated to a friend of RH's that passed Years ago. I never knew her personally but this write was absolutely too beautiful for pieces of it not to be shared. Happy Writing ~BM)

(Front Page 3/28/2018)
Mar 2018 · 815
The Way You Write
Rebel Heart Mar 2018
It's not the way
Your poetry just flows
From pen to paper
Right out of your soul

But rather the way
Your ink spills just right
Threading letters together
Touching hearts as you write
...
(Excerpt of one of my favorite pieces written exactly 6 years ago on this date.. Happy Writing~BM)

(Front Page 3/22/2018)
Mar 2018 · 874
Heavy Heart
Rebel Heart Mar 2018
If you ripped my heart out
Right from inside my chest
You'd wonder as I often do
How a something so shattered and empty
Could feel so heavy.
(Another snippet from the Lyric/Quote Wall.. surprisingly haven't come across the full version of this poem yet but I'm starting to go through another journal document of old work from RH who knows what I'll find.. Happy Writing~BM)

(Front Page 3/20/2018)
Mar 2018 · 3.4k
Cynical Romantic
Rebel Heart Mar 2018
I push everyone away
Praying somebody would stay
My logic more ****** up
Than my entire existence.

I'd never want you to let go
Yet I'll do everything I can
To try to shake you off
And drive you running
Light-years away from me

Because sweetheart I'm broken
Not just bent
I'm nothing but empty space
Hallow through and through

Because I'm not just heartless
I'm scarred beyond recognition
My ghosts haunting alleys
I could never show to you
...
It's not that I don't believe in love
For I have an abundance of it to give
It's just that I don't have anyone to give it to
....
.
.
.
.
(Some of the closest people to me once told me I was a cynical romantic and I guess I didn't understand it until just now...).
(Beginning of another long-winded 'rant' from RH that really makes me think I judged her wrong in some ways. The note at the bottom was her last sentence in her last journal entry I just finished reading and it has been a roller coaster of emotions so Happy Writing and Enjoy!~ BM)
Mar 2018 · 332
"True" Love Lies
Rebel Heart Mar 2018
True love waits for you
He made you wait for him
(Apparently RH's "new" poetry book had a collection of lyric wall quotes such as this one and I just want to read it already. Happy Writing! ~BM)
Mar 2018 · 469
How Dare You
Rebel Heart Mar 2018
How dare you leave me so broken
How dare you leave me so alone
How dare you call me your best friend
Just to leave me on my own?
(Lyric Wall quotes and the vibe I'm really feeling right now because I thought I was over a lot of things in my life and then I'm still sitting here missing you ~BM)

(Front Page 3/8/2018)
Mar 2018 · 531
Fallen Kingdom
Rebel Heart Mar 2018
I let you in my little world
Only for you to shatter it
And scrap it for parts
To make your own

Thank you for teaching me
To build the walls around my castle
A little higher next time
Thank you for teaching me
To never let strangers in

You left my kingdom in ruins
And yet somehow I was still there
To congratulate you on yours
.
(Something else from the lyric wall dating back almost 8 years ago ~BM)

(Front Page 3/6/2018)
Mar 2018 · 658
Human Eraser
Rebel Heart Mar 2018
I rewrite myself often
Never satisfied
With the person I've drawn out
...
I say this only once
And I say it as a warning...
Don't write yourself in me
Or parts of you will get lost too
.
(Part of one of the longer lyric wall quotes I think I finally understand ~BM)

(Front Page 3/5/2018)
Mar 2018 · 450
Innocent Scars
Rebel Heart Mar 2018
I am of broken bones
And shattered homes
Do Not take pity on me

Because behind these walls
And an innocent smile
Lies years of scars haunting me
(Something else from the lyric wall and I'm feeling a sick today so sorry if all the poems I share of RH's are depressing ~BM)

(Front Page 3/5/2018)
Mar 2018 · 2.0k
Illusioned Love
Rebel Heart Mar 2018
Are we really in Love?
Or
Are we in love
With the illusion
Of what we could be?
Feb 2018 · 327
My Biggest Regret to You
Rebel Heart Feb 2018
I don't carry the burden of emotions
That much you should know is true
So the teardrops must be Voss water
That drenched this letter meant for you

So like the million unsaid things
Hiding behind my tight lips
And the million unsent texts
Stopping on the edge of my fingertips
I promise I too will disappear

And
Out of the million unkept thoughts
You could never guess
And the million unfelt feelings
I could never express

And out of all the things
I'll always regret
My biggest regret
Will forever be
Never showing
How Much I Loved You.
(If I have to be honest, my heart and mind are drained from today... I might not upload for a couple days as I try to get my mood right but enjoy this throwback part of a letter from elementary-version of RH. Happy Writing~BM)

(Front Page 2/18/2018)
Feb 2018 · 658
Remembering You
Rebel Heart Feb 2018
I saw something today
That reminded me of you
So I picked up my phone
Put in your number
And excitedly waited to talk to you
But with every ring you didn't pick up
My heart dropped lower out of my chest
.
.
"I'm not near my phone right now.. that or I'm purposely ignoring you Shanon just leave a message at the beep.. or don't whatever"
.
Beep
.
.

And it all hit me all over again
The feeling of choking
On my own tears
Drowning out the rest of the world
Because it had been so long
Since I last heard your voice
Yet it seemed it was only yesterday
We were playing street hockey
And making fun of eachother
And talking on the phone all night long
Just to hang out all day after
...
We would talk about our past
And what our future may hold
We talked about our demons
And secrets we never told
...
I remember being so angry
The day you left
After all we've been through
No sorry
No goodbye
Not even a single note
Explaining why
You decided I wasn't enough reason
For you to not climb into that bathtub
And press that razor blade onto your skin
...
How dare the sky rumble
When they took your lifeless body just to throw it in the ground
How dare the others cry
When you didn't make a single sound
How dare the birds still sing
When the world was falling apart
How dare the moon still come up
When nothing in the universe seemed to make sense
How dare they believe poems had to rhyme
How dare they still talk about the good old days
How dare they believe for one second they knew you at all
And most of all
How dare you--

How dare you leave me so broken
How dare you leave me so alone
How dare you call me your best friend
Just to leave me on my own?

...
The darkness lingering around my past
Found a deeper grip around my soul that day
As I watched pieces of my heart
Leave with you
.
.
.
Now I find myself sitting here awkwardly
Finally being able to string these useless letters
Into coherent words
To ask you if you're still listening up in the clouds
How dare you not pick up anymore
When I call you on the phone?



~Who else am I supposed to talk to when late at night my demons won't be put to sleep?
Who else am I supposed to talk to when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and weep?
(Pieces of a very old, 22-page-long, extremely agonizing memoir that brought me to tears because how dare you, with all this pain you carry in your heart, not realize how much you're hurting me before you're even gone? ~BM)

(Front Page 2/18/2018)
Feb 2018 · 559
~Live like an Artist
Rebel Heart Feb 2018
I always believed life was black and white...
Until the day I realized it was nothing but gray
Forever stuck in the bleakness of it all...

Suddenly one day
Life became a grand mirage
Strung together with all the colors of the rainbow
Colors of red, yellow, blue and green
All the shades and everything in between
And I realized if only we were to open our eyes
And look through the lenses of an artist
Then and only then
Could life mean something more
Than the black, white, or greyness
That threatens to swallow us whole

~Live like an Artist.
(Enjoy this old piece and Happy Writing ~BM)

(Front Page 2/16/2018)
Feb 2018 · 682
Spaces,Scars,&Secrets
Rebel Heart Feb 2018
Because the spaces between
These broken lines
Sketched onto my skin
           and the
Spaces within these ugly scars
Cut into my back
There lies a million words
Left unsaid and shattered
Tucked inside of a chest
Buried into the folds
In the darkest corners
Of my messed up mind
...
Oh how I wish
I could give you the key
To unlock it all
...
Yet my fate
Remains sealed
Inside my clenched hands
And within my quivering lips
...
(Part(s) of a long poem later used as an inspiration for a novel by RH... Btw still passive-aggressively avoiding a dear friend of mine although I'm sure that's exactly what she wants me to do...- If you read this well secrets are ****** up, your scars don't define you, and you deserve the world as much as you say I do- Happy Writing! ~BM)

(Front Page 2/14/2018)
Feb 2018 · 581
Past Fades
Rebel Heart Feb 2018
The stars only rise
To fall when no one sees
The ones you miss
A lost echo in the breeze

The memories left
Like old jeans are frayed
The photographs you carry
A burden when they fade
(Another lyric wall quote ~BM)

(Front Page 2/14/2018)
Feb 2018 · 952
Broken Art
Rebel Heart Feb 2018
She always saw the best in those
Who were the worst for her heart
She let those in who didn't deserve
To see the broken pieces of her art
(An old gem from the infamous lyric wall because I'm too drained to post anything else.. Enjoy~ BM)

(Front Page 2/13/2018)
Feb 2018 · 434
Hope Destroys
Rebel Heart Feb 2018
...
That's when it hit me
The light bulb finally went off
They were wrong about hope
Hope doesn't build
It doesn't help
It doesn't create
Hope does nothing but destroy

And so I promised myself
To never ever sell hope
To anyone
For the false hope you gave me
Was the cruelest thing you did to me
Right after you left.
(Just finished reading a lengthy journal entry/ poem by RH from years ago and I'm in tears. I guess she takes promises a lot more serious than I thought LOL. I was considering sharing tidbits of the poem but for now this is the ending.. Enjoy ~BM)
Rebel Heart Feb 2018
I have this notion
That humans aren't meant to get close
To other humans
That people aren't meant to love
Other people
That hearts aren't made to bond
With other hearts

We are but floating bodies
Looking for life's purpose
Believing in this ridiculous notion
That love is real

For love is nothing but empty promises
And broken hearts full of sorrow
Love leaves nothing but bruises
And tears hoping for a better tomorrow

So don't apologize for leaving
Apologize you promised to stay
Alas I should've known better
People always leave anyway

And you tell me I'm cynical
You tell me I'm broken
You tell me I'm crazy
You tell me....
But that doesn't matter does it

It doesn't matter what you do
It doesn't matter what you say
Because in the end I'm right
In the end you'd never stay
...
(The beginning of a long, heartbreaking old letter RH wrote to an old friend. Ironic because the way she poured her heart out in this is the exact way I feel towards her right now and a passive-aggressive part of me hopes she'll see this...Enjoy ~BM)

(Front Page 2/10/2018)
Feb 2018 · 389
The Feeling Of Drowning
Rebel Heart Feb 2018
Forever it returns
The gripping feeling of
Tides reeling you in
Waves fading you out
The thundering of your heart
The rumbling of your thoughts
Forever stuck on
What could've been
What should've been
What would've been
Only to be disillusioned
By the gasps of reality
And the cracks of truth
Before being pulled under
Just to be washed away
Finally Unburdened.
(Another piece of another masterpiece and a tribute to those still haunting the waters... Enjoy ~BM)

(Front Page 2/2/2018)
Feb 2018 · 529
Blue-Eyed Monster
Rebel Heart Feb 2018
I still have scars on my body
From that fated night
You can still see the lines
Where my soul ripped my flesh
And finally bled through
Spilling regret onto the hospital beds

No matter how hard I try
The scars still remain
A constant reminder
Of that day full of so much anguish
Days filled with much pain
My heart seems to break all over again

Days fly by, my thoughts chaotic
Sometimes never lingering at the though of you
But one glance at those scars
And it all comes flooding back,
Drowning in your memories...
Your sparkling blue eyes glistening with mischief
Your strange English accent always catching me by surprise
The way you wouldn't talk to anyone for days
But would jump out of bed days we planned to spend together
The way darkness hung over your life and stuck to you
But you would tell me I was the light that kept you going
The way you walked
The way you sang
The way you ate
The way you smiled
The way you laughed
The way you....

But none of that matters anymore does it?

Because I learned to bury all those memories
I learned to bury all those thoughts
I learned to bury all the pain
The day I buried you

...

You might’ve been the one with blue eyes, but I was the one who was the real monster.
Monsters didn’t have feelings. No, monsters didn’t deserve to have feelings. So I shut everyone out and tucked my emotions away again, the name I once told you echoing in the back of my mind. Anaya, meaning misfortune.
Anaya… Misfortune. Misery. Monster.

(There are certain things in life we blame ourselves for which we really shouldn't. A piece of a poem written about 8 years ago part of a longer story RH had planned to write out and publish. Alas she never finished writing the story-nor telling me the full story-so I share this poem with all of you for now. Thanks for all the support so far.. Happy Writing! ~BM).

(Front page 2/1/2018)
Jan 2018 · 294
Cursed Blue
Rebel Heart Jan 2018
I'm convinced blue is cursed
That same color reflected in your eyes
Blue lures me in and drowns me
It shatters what's left of my disguise
(The beginning to a long tribute to an old memory...Written 1/26-8/2010 by RH... Happy writing ~BM)
Jan 2018 · 534
Beauty's Price
Rebel Heart Jan 2018
It was she
Who learned that beauty
Always came with a price
For every lovely heart
There hides a broken one
.
(Just a gem from the infamous "lyric" wall ~BM)

(Front Page 1/26/2018)
Jan 2018 · 489
Running Away from Home
Rebel Heart Jan 2018
There aren't enough words in the world
Nor enough time
To tell you all my regrets as I tell you goodbye
...
There aren't enough emotions in the world
Nor enough tears
To tell you all my heart feels as I smile and walk away
...
Because how can you leave someone
Who was the only place that felt like home?
...
Yet that's exactly what I did
...
Because houses always stand longer
When there's no poison to ruin it
...
There's no place like home... until you realize you're doing nothing but repainting over scars that'll never go away and chasing after dreams that were nothing but mistakes. You were my only home yet you were my greatest mistake...

(This was written about 6 years ago and yet the original, longer version of this work brought me to actual tears. Enjoy this snippet and happy writing! ~BM)
Jan 2018 · 486
My He(art)
Rebel Heart Jan 2018
Everything you see is art

He loves me

The way you focus your camera
And get that gleam in your eye
Right before capturing a moment
Before it slips away

He loves me not

The way you focus on me
And get that sparkle in your eye
Right before capturing my lips with yours
Before our moment slips away

He loves me

Everything you touch is art

He loves me not

The way your fingers glide across
The guitar strings
As you breathe melody into the world

He loves me

The way your fingers glide across
My bare skin
As you breathe fire into my bones

He loves me not

Everything about you is art

He loves me

But nothing about me is

He loves me not

Me, the empty canvas

He loves me

You, my only form of art

He loves me not

One intoxicating touch

He loves me

My broken heart

*He loves me not
Alas, art is something found within you not given to you by someone else. And that day I lost my heart to you, I found that art within myself

(Hello again loves, this particular piece dates back to 2010 but I found it to be very interesting. I don't think I still understand all of it but leave your thoughts, comments, etc below and happy writing! ~BM)

(Front Page 1/9/2018)
Jan 2018 · 971
3561 Miles- Reprise
Rebel Heart Jan 2018
A mystery
They called me
Wearing a million different faces
Wearing a million different smiles

A lost soul
They didn't see
3561 miles away from the one place I was half-real
3561 miles away from the one place I half-smiled

Mile 1
I'm drowning within myself
Slowly, silently, secretly
Constantly wandering
Trying to find that broken girl
Who never had a childhood
Trying to escape from the skeltons
Thrown in the depths of the closet
Long before I could even spell my name
Now 3561 miles away just to make sure they don't rise up again

Mile 147
I'm suffering in the hospital
There was always something wrong with me
I always deserved this pain
If only I could get rid of it myself
If only... If only...
If only
And so I tried.
Every time the darkness swelled up
And gripped my throat, i tried..
But they called me crazy
Not broken
Not hurt
Not upset
But crazy...
Crazy because i tried
Now 3561 miles from all those who labeled me insane

Mile 836
My fight with life and death
Because I forgot what living was
Long before I blew out 4 candles on a tiny cake...
Because death wouldn't embrace me
Death would torment me instead,
Cursing me to forever stay stuck living
Somewhere between the brink
Of life and death..
And so I finally took matters into my own hands...
Not sinfully but sensibly, the odds forever against my favor
But health is just relative and my body already a mess,
The brain I counted on slowly dying out
My future that once smiled upon me
Now nothing but a faded curse
Now 3561 miles away because I somehow survived
3561 miles away because I kept surviving

Mile 2451
Everyone was fed up with me
I was a burden living or dead
No place for me in either realm.
I breathed through the cracks of reality
And packed my bags to live in an illusion
So that life wouldn't catch up to me ever again
Now 3561 miles away and I can finally breathe again
3561 miles away yet no closer to living nor death

Mile 2915
I'm overthinking things through
Like all these loose ends, broken hearts, and you
Because nobody cares unless you're rich or dead
And I was both of those yet neither
And those who saw through that were but a few..
A living paradox was my life
Almost an adult, give it 6 more days
I'll never tell you but I'll be gone before that fated day
Your memory of me gone quicker than that
Because I left once before and I should've never come back
But I'm glad I did
Now 3561 miles away and I know you'll do better without me
3561 miles away you would've been better if I never came back

Mile 3428
I'd forget everything about my life
The demons I kept pushing down would resurface now and again
But only as whispers of ghosts still haunting bits of the past
There's so much I still don't remember and yet,
I'd never forget you and everyone else I left behind..
I'd always wonder what'd happen to you
I'd always wonder how fine is fine..
You say I should be tired of running away
Don't worry, this time I'll be gone for good
The name I wanted everyone to remember
Will disappear under the tides on the sand
Never to be brought up again but by ghosts
And when you're old and grey
And happy and free
Don't cry remembering me as someone who died too young
Because I was old, grey, and torn at the edges
Far before I became a ghost myself
Now 3561 miles away from anyone I ever was
3561 miles away from anyone I could ever be

Mile 3557
I realized you knew me too well
I'm regretting everything before it happens
Because there was never enough..
Never enough words to tell you everything I could
Never enough time to tell you everything to tell
The letters slip and get lost on the tip of my tongue
Because you thought I was stronger than this
But I've been falling apart since the beginning
Crumbling slowly under the pressure of it all
Crumbling under things I never told you
And things I couldn't burden you with
Now 3561 miles away with things that I'll bury with me
3561 miles away because forever is a fantasy

Mile 3561
This is it...
Or so you think
Where my old life and new life collide and blend
Where I can forget everything and move on...
Though we both know that's not true
Because these masks melt under the moonlight
And these smiles stay forgotten under the glimmering stars..
As strong as I want to be,
As many times I change my name,
I'll never be able to cover up these scars within..
I'll never be able to forget the few who’ve cared
(I can count them all on one hand)..
And I'll let you in on a little secret-
The countless nights that threatened me with my own life,
I'd breathe in the universe before it swallowed me whole
And breathe out as I count those names on my one hand
Over and over
And over again
Over and again till my mind found sanity
Over and again till the sun found a grip on the sky
Over and again till the darkness inside me crept back
Into the broken cracks in the edges of my mind..
So go ahead and tell me,
Tell me how I'll forget the memories we've made
I've lost a lot of them but not the important ones
Tell me how I'll find someone new
Nobody could ever replace you
Tell me how much you miss me
Along with everyone who seems to care
Because time will change and people come and go
We're merely shadows floating around with no purpose
We come into people's lives only to fade out to some other
But despite all that and everything else,
How could you ever think you didn't mean anything to me?..
Because now I'm 3561 miles away,
Tired, broken, fed up
I'm 3561 miles away
Shattered, crying, torn apart
I'm 3561 miles away
Stuck writing something
That'll never reach you-
At least until
I'm 25,300,000,000,000 miles away for good
My closest friends became my family but I guess I was just cursed with family issues forever because I lost them too..
Dedicated To the few people I consider better than family- I wish you knew how much this hurts- and to one of my best friends who was there when I started to think I'd never open up to anyone again and who wrote the original piece of this poem- you were always meant for better things.
This has probably already become too long but you know me I keep everything buried deep and when the world sleeps I finally find it in me to write out some of these useless emotions.
I wish I was better with communication but all my words were ever good for were closet poetry and songs written to never be played... words I spill onto the walls of my empty room in the back of my head that I re-paint over because I'm a mess and maybe I always will be but if I never see any of you guys again I'm sorry because you were the only ones who ever got a peek into that room I try to so desperately hide and accepted me for it all...
I'll always regret never knowing how to show how much I care


(RH just unlocked a whole new set of poetry that I just saw and I'm excited to be sharing all these newfound words to share with all of you guys. Most of these have pre-written messages and I don't intend to change a single word from anything written. It seems I might be permanently taking over this account for her but all work published will solely be hers. Thank you for all the support from everyone so far and happy writing! ~BM)
Dec 2017 · 775
Night Confessions
Rebel Heart Dec 2017
Dawn still whispers
Droplets onto my windows
As I stare out into the sky
Realizing dusk never comes soon enough

Where do you go
After the moonlight fades
Your soft lips still lingering
On my aching skin?

For only in the midst of the night
Do I truly feel alive
Which makes me wonder
If its the power of the stars
Looking down upon us
That fills my veins with such energy

Or if its the power of your eyes
When they stare deep into my soul
As they glisten with the night's
Deepest desires as you whisper
    *I love you
Pieces of an older poem that confused me at first but touched my heart after. Enjoy and please recommend a title ~BM
Dec 2017 · 372
Mise en Abyme
Rebel Heart Dec 2017
Lost in the illusion
Of this painting they called life,
A small girls sits shivering
In the corner of her bathroom floor
...
Inside of this masterpiece
The girl paints more of just that,
Her tears watercolors on the canvas
Of the tiles lining the bathroom floor
...
These tiles now cold and hard
Eating away like acid on her cool flesh,
The comfort of the childhood memories
All washed away from within the walls
That once gave her peace of mind.
Bubble baths turned to ****** ones
As she brings her art to life
...
The words thrown at her
Outside of the world in her bathroom
Now painted red in bold font
Inside a canvas unseen
By anyone but the bitter ghost
Left to rot in the corners of the stone walls
Under the bubbles of the water
That ate away at her crimson tainted flesh
...
The tears stop falling
While the water still runs
Over her treacherous heartbeat,
Down the curves of her spine
As she desperately attempts
To wash away her sins
Not knowing the paint was permanent
Forever etched into her skin
Burning demons into her own canvas
...
Years later,
After many hidden portraits..

Her fragile body aches
As she paints one more masterpiece
To tie the rest of her canvases together.
And with a final stroke of her brush
A tear slips down her face
Rejoicing in how long her art lived
In secrecy before she ran out of paint
...
  She finally paints her signature
  Onto the tiles of her bathroom floor
  Her legacy or a warning to those stuck like her
  The world won't ever come to know
  All they knew was her heart ran out
  Of words to say and canvases to paint
  As she took her last breath and spelled out

           **Mise en Abyme
Pieces of another dark poem found in the archives written officially on this date 7 years ago... and yet what inspired this or rather who still remains much of a mystery ~BM
Nov 2017 · 698
Tooth Fairy Fantasies
Rebel Heart Nov 2017
We all know the story of the tooth fairy..
She'd leave a gift under your pillow
In exchange for taking your lost tooth
A perfect trade, A perfect dream, A perfect fantasy
My first lost tooth?- Not so perfect

You see I never saw your fist hurling towards my face
The hands that held me so close as a baby
Now became a tool of your aggression.
I just wanted to tell you good night...
To tell you everything would be okay

Because through your silent glares and late night yells,
I saw the tear of despair roll down your face...
I saw how broken you must've been
Underneath the weight of the world
Drowning your stress in bottles
Of what you called "your medicine"

All I ever wanted was to make sure you knew
How much I still loved you
Despite how many times you hurt mommy
All I ever wanted was to make sure you knew
How much I still cared
And that you were going to be okay...
We would be okay.

We could take our bikes out again
Ride down the street and dance in the rain
You could take me to our favorite park
Where I would be the superhero and save you
From the sand monster in the sand box
Then we'd go get some pizza
And watch the sun dip below the waves
The angels, you said, would paint the sky for us
And we'd ride our bikes back to the place we called home
You and mommy would tuck me in at night
And kiss me on the forehead to tell me
That I'd always be loved...
That it would all be okay

Instead,
I went in for a hug
And you punched me in my face.
You
Punched Me
In my face
....
The one person I ever trusted
The one person I ever loved
Was the reason I had blood on my lips
For the first time I could rememeber

You didn't flinch
So I didn't cry
But seven years later
I'm still stuck wondering why
You took away the happiness I was supposed to feel
When I lost my first tooth
And replaced it with this monstrous nightmare of you

Because the next morning I woke up and realized
The tooth fairy never came
To grant my one wish of being happy with you
And every morning after that I woke to realize
The tooth fairy was a fantasy
And so was my childhood happiness with you

-To: My First Heartbreak
Not a poem but a gem I found hiding in the files back from 2010... The writing prompt this was born from was interesting and so reading this 'response' was a little surprising and interesting. I doubt this was shared then but I teared up reading it so enjoy because I'm sharing it for RH now! It wasn't given a title so if you could suggest one it would be appreciated ~BM
Nov 2017 · 437
Derrek
Rebel Heart Nov 2017
Lost child of a lost childhood
Built up by broken frames
Bloodied knuckles and his bully's bruises
Turned his whole life into a mere game

He turns up the flirty attitude
To mask the anger within
His mom ran off with another suitor
While he's left cleaning after her sins

But tonight he wears her sins as a tie
To match the heavy demons weighing him down
He makes his way across the floor
Picking up a drink to change his frown

All the giggly desperates crowd him instantly
He proceeds to exchanges a smirk or two
Yet across the room he sees a flash of grey
And finds his next prey to woo
An excerpt of the poetry collection by RH called "The Mysterious Gown of Grey"... it tells a beautifully captivating tale I can't help but imagine being set during the Victorian era in London. This excerpt was bits and pieces of the second poem of the collection titled 'The First Masked Suitor" and follows the story of Derek, my second favorite 'character' in the whole collection...I hope she plans to publish the full poem in the future for it'd be a shame to keep the wonderful words and epic story locked in a word document forever. I recently realized I didn't read the last couple poems and so I've been rereading the collection ever since. It's crazy to think how young RH was when she wrote this collection and yet adult me still enjoys it... Until then happy writing! ~BM
Rebel Heart Nov 2017
Seldom does one write an emotional poem
Not relating to death and depression
Nor the dark demons caged within...
A shard of the dark side of the soul
Can be found buried within
The depths of each poem carved onto the page
With the ink of the beating heart...
And maybe that reminds those of us
Who live and bleed between the words spilled
That only in the suffering
Can we truly begin to understand
And only in the understanding
Can we truly begin to live...
Because we live
Only to spill these words
So that others may have a chance
At the second life that blooms
From all the heartache...
All only so
The world can be seen
In the different lights
The aching words promise
Bits of a writing assignment buried back in time about the topic "Why is the 'best' or the most historically popular poetry depressing?"... Leave your thoughts
Oct 2017 · 627
Real Poetry (Pt.01)
Rebel Heart Oct 2017
Poems aren't simple raps
About money or ***
Nor a contest
To see how many words you could rhyme
With time or chime or slime or crime
Like the crime I'd be committing
If I confined these words to such a small pool
Of what society deems poetry to be...

Poetry is a being
Born from freedom
Risen from the tides
Of emotions that ran so deep
It cut into a person's heart and soul...
So I guess I'm just trying to understand
When it became such a dreary concept
Taught in the confines of walls
As rigid and cold
As the useless rhyme scheme of words
Released into the world for a simple test
When in reality, poetry was meant to be sown with care
And grow into something beautiful...

The real beauty of poetry
Comes from the way
The letters dance and flow together
Into the head and to your heart
Binding us all together
Cherishing our differences
In the same rhythm it holds
The entire universe
With all its secrets
In the space between them
A response to a teacher RH and I had years ago that I found in the lost files of her (RH's) poetry journey... I guess at the time I, like the others, despised writing in general as much as that teacher of ours, but RH's love for it never dwindled and I hope it never does... Almost crying thinking about all these memories though it has nothing to do with the poem so before I turn this into a rant, enjoy and leave your comments below.. ~BM
Oct 2017 · 538
Laments
Rebel Heart Oct 2017
How I wish
I could tell you all my secrets
Lift the burden off my shoulders
But too many people
Have broken down the walls I've put up
Just to shatter my heart
Like they said they never would

If I wasn't so broken
Would we have worked?
Would you have been the one
To finally relieve me
Of all my scars?
Or would you have done the same?
Proving my judgement wrong,
Instilled illusions of love in my brain
Just to steal the pieces
Of whatever's left of my heart?

You tell me I have issues
I already know I do
But yelling at me to fix them
Is not how you mend broken things
But maybe I'm too far gone
To ever be put back together
Our possible forever
Vanishing into a **never
A Throwback.. enjoy ~BM
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