Pull out the tongue and then the eyes
Rip off the ears yet hear the cries
Tear the limbs from branch to branch
Just so you know, this is your last chance

To shake your head up and down
Lest this hammer strikes thy crown
And thee shall flee, hell-bound

For this day
I cannot say
If I was sad
Or I was glad
I had anger
And I was a stranger
To my former self
I lost myself
Who am I?
But a monster in your eye

Why do they say ‘suicide is never the answer’?
They never give any other solution, do they?
Just a caution to the wind
A guilt trip to the Internet when you look for methods
If someone put a gun in my hand and told me to defend myself
I’d place the gun to my temple and pull the trigger
If someone told me to stay alive for them
I’d place the gun on the table and do as I was told
Someone once told me to stay alive from them
And it was never my family, it was never my friends
It was someone who was hired to keep me alive
She did a pretty good job at it
Even if she didn’t care, her acting convinced me

climbing to mountain high
the world around transforms
where secrets of beauty lie
and spirits of trouble cast storms
souls who see by the eye
the truth, which evil deforms
the ones too young to die
they escape the blinded world's swarms
from which they were always alone and too shy
for the thought of the mountain warms:

Tonight twill be thy battle-cry
for this ghost's heart never conforms
away to the mountain we fly
the world below having no form
and the sufferer breathes thy last breath with a sigh
the world above then transforms

I am both miserable and content
Explosion of anger and breeze of serenity
A sorrowful ghost and a joyful sprite
Self-loathing and prideful
Loss of all hope and pursuit of impossibilities
An impulsive madman and calculating intellect
Utterly confused and omniscient
Close to death and far Paradise
Enveloped by creativity and planted firmly in reality
Weak and invincible
Failing and succeeding
Anxious and composed
Unmeasurable love and unfathomable hate
Optimistic and suicidal

The world is dim
With these tattered limbs
And burned throat
Eyes, where tears coat
There is no sun
All life's light is done
This barren land
It lays at hand
In front of I
Elysium Field, open skies

It was never about 'getting better'
No, I was way beyond that point
See there's a character, values, strengths, weaknesses, beliefs
That shape who we are, how we act, and how we respond

Getting better would mean I'd have to erase the past somehow
To make myself less broken, more oblivious, and happier
All of which I know to be impossible to reverse

Getting better, it's definition has changed so drastically
That it means not being the person
The person I've become
And I know I might have been more likable, fun, and hopeful
Maybe I seemed like a better person than I am now

But if you think I need to be fixed
If you think I still need to 'get better'
Than you don't have any right to be in my life
Because this is who I am now

You have no idea how you look when your eyes light up with passion
Or when you come to me, confused about life
While you nervously laugh and squirm as if your skin wasn't yours
I have seen you when you were sad
I have seen you when you were angry
I have seen you with a mask
And I have seen you as you

Seeing you in whole I finally accept
That I love you more than I thought
All of it: The good, the bad, and the fear

Darling, you are an innocent, kind, caring kid
Your soul not tainted with the dark, cruel world
And you have not experienced what horrific things man can do
How long your mind can get lost
I think this is why I cannot bear to leave your side

Because you are my breath of fresh air
My light in the dark
You lead me to hope
And you cause me to have something to live for

But most of all
Being with you when we're laughing and talking
I forget about the pain
Maybe for one second or even an hour
You are the only thing, the only one who shines light in my eyes
Where I can't be in the dark or have any fears
Where my sorrow is burnt up and the world is but the past
My thoughts quiet down and the world is beautiful again
The light warms my face and your laughter sings in the night
As a smile curves on my face and air is almost bursting from my lungs

When I'm with you the pain disappears
Love fills my heart which bursts out to you
As you illuminate my cruel, hating world
I see the world
I see the people
Through those glasses of your's
And I think maybe, just maybe happiness might not be extinct after all

There's a centipede inside my heart
And it tears this ***** apart
For the bug is my pain
Sometimes it travels to my brain
Where the centipede might slither around
Causing more pain to the areas bound
It's this thing inside me, my heart and mind
It mangles my brain where dangerous thoughts are unkind
It shatters my heart leaving it broken and pained
And, from it, everyday I am drained
There's a centipede inside of me
All the torture, pain, and suffering, from it, I will never be free

The time period between being awake and being asleep
This mystical place that so little beings remember:

It's the place that I could live in for the rest of my life
For it is neither reality or a dream
A time that is neither dark nor light
Neither good or bad
The world of in between
Everything is neutral
It is the world of calmness
Nothing to worry
Nothing to be afraid of

It's the only place I can find solace
The place without sadness and loneliness
But also free of the nightmares
Undisturbed by the morbid images my mind creates
And untouched by the anxiety, loneliness, and pain of this cruel world
A place where no person can take me away from
A place where no creature can lay a claw on me
Gates between consciousness and unconsciousness
Guard this place of sanctuary

I would like to stay here,
This, I would want to make my home
But waking is too demanding
And sleeping is too necessary

I wish my home would be Hypnagogia
A place where you never sleep
You never wake
And you never dream

I mean, you look at yourself
What do you see?
I'm studying the carcass in front of me
Who had died last year
It's eyes were black sockets where they used to shine bright
For the light had left them long ago

A shrunken, loose leather hung from the bones
The brain bled
The heart ripped
A permanent smile
The fingers curled at the end
That's what stood across in the mirror, the truth

This room filled with the aroma of death
And anger, sadness, and fear
I can't help but wonder if the reflection was what my future was supposed to be
Or that is how I truly looked on the inside

What about you?
What do you see?

It's the memories that unsettle me
They are the ones who keep me awake at night
And wake me in a cold sweat
I just want them to go away

But everyday I am reminded of how weak I truly am
How little future I really have
And how deep my mind really goes
The things I have thought of
The things I have done
They are seared into my memory
With red hot flames and iron
A permanent abrasion in my timeline
Unforgettable
Unexplainable
Unforgivable

That is why I don't sleep at night
My decisions in the day, my thoughts in the day
Haunt me throughout the night
In forms of nightmares

Because that is all my life is
A nightmare

He joined because his father and his father's father had
But he had other dreams

He shot the guns and ran with the pack
But he hated the deafening noise and the crowd
He flew overseas to a base
But he'd rather be home
He killed people
But cried every night for those souls
He saved a comrade who'd lost a leg
But he hated the blood and the screaming
He shot civilians, they said it could not be prevented
But he could never sleep at night for the images and guilt wouldn't cease
He served extra months
But all he wanted was to be held by his momma at home

He went into the next takedown with his team
But came out alone
He couldn't contact his base and was told the drone came in at 1530
But it was already 1527 when he crawled out of his team's grave
He would die an honorable death, serving his country
But he never wanted to be there

He had two minutes, it was not possible
So he lay on his back and looked to the sky
He smiled for he felt a peace he hadn't felt in awhile
But began to cry when he thought of his Pops and Mommy and his two baby brothers
He let out a cry of pain, despair, but relief

For there was to be no more blood, no more death
No more children corpses or all the noises
No more running, no more exploding
No more missing limbs, burnt bodies, or wide-open eyes
No more crowds, and the smell of death lingering
No more orders, no more sleepless nights
No more guns, no more screaming, no more nightmares
No more moving or fighting
No more homesickness, no more suffering, no more pain

His life was never to be this way, never to end this way
He never liked guns, violence, or even confrontation
He learned to accept all things he hated of this never-ending war
Because he felt obligated

He loved his family, saw them for the last time, fifteen months ago
But even they became a dream amongst this hell
And in hell dreams don't come true
He just wanted to see them one last time
Hear their voices
But at his end he just wanted to escape the violence and his sadness
He died a hero
But lived a lie
He protected you and I
But in return he died, in sorrow, pain, exhaustion, and alone

He wanted to be a marine biologist ever since he was five
But he died at the age of twenty

It's hollow inside
Surprised it hasn't died
Every breath echoes with the tide
Shattered from all the lies

Empty and lonely
But produces love madly
Pumps so slowly
This heart now feels coldly

The fear and panic of the final destruction
This heart was broken then weakly constructed
Life began with instruction
It is too sensitive, too weak, a failure to handle emotion

So I sit in the sky waiting for that moment
When my sins I must admit
But this heart is too late for atonement

I must go away now
Leave this town
My life bundled in a town
For as a child I fell in my head's crown

And it has caught up with me
Making me someone I never have dreamt before
Our hearts found each other through these people of the sea
But I have become dark and destructive to the core

You mustn't give time for this wretched soul
Please walk out of my heart's door
For I destroy everything, and I don't wish you to pay this toll
I shan't stay even though I want to , but this mind is as black as coal

I love you, I shall love you past eternity
That is why I mustn't be selfish
I have to escape the pity
Running away from everything everyone shatters my heart like china dish

It's pieces are spread all throughout town and I am left with nothing
Farewell, my friend for I was born elsewhere
I thank you for all the years of laughter and company, all so very touching
I tell you the truth when I say: You are the greatest thing to have entered my life, and in there

You were always the light in all this darkness, and that, my dear, will never change
Your happiness is what is important in this exchange
I love you from a pure and unmeasurable love
This person who cares for you and loves you more than all

Goodbye, Best Friend

What if you could do it?
Drop everything:
Your family, your loved ones, your job, your house, your life
And leave
To go to a new land, an unknown world
Never to return again
Would you do it?
To build a new life for yourself
Make your name mean something different
To pick your own family, not one to be born into
Have a new job, one you enjoy
Escape the monotonous days on Earth
Having a redo
A blank-slate
Would you do it?
Could you do it?

I am just extremely tired
Exhausted
Light-headed
Just tired

So please understand why I don't get out of bed
Why I never leave my room
Or I never smile back
Or if I get lost in my thoughts when you speak
I am just tired

I could sleep a thousand nights
And I would be even more exhausted
Because sleep will never cure this kind of tired
For I have already been lost within the maze which is my mind
And there is never a return from that
Trust me, I've been tiredly searching through my head for years
Which is why I am tired

I have been searching for reasons for humans actions
And their thoughts and feelings
How the world could be such a cruel place
But still house the most beautiful of things
Searching for meanings
To dreams, books, art, and my own ideas
Looking for something
Looking for anything
That might bring me to the truth
Which I do not even know
So that is why I am exhausted
That is why sleep will do nothing for me
Because as long as my heart beats and my brain functions
I will always be thinking, searching, creating
Too many thoughts, facts, dreams, people, and the world's memories

I will always feel fatigued
Consumed
Drained
Just tired

I am alone
I have no point to my life
I mindlessly exist each day
I give no love
I am given no love
I do not eat
I do not drink
I do not cry
I do not laugh
My body always in pain
I can never sleep enough
I filch at the touch of another
I run from speaking with another
I wonder as my mind travels to the abyss
I only think of what could have been
And of a different life
With a different ending than I am heading for

I just want to be touched
To be held in the arms of someone who will protect me
Someone who cares

I crave to be touched
For someone to see everything inside
How sad I am, everything that is happening
And because of what this kind person saw
They feel compelled to hold such a broken soul
To try and squeeze it's pieces back together

But every time someone gets to close
I flinch and walk away

You know there's darkness in all of us, throughout our lives
The darkness corroded with monsters and misted with demons
Those who walk in the shadows alone
Are different from those who hold a hand from the light
These people are held by the ones who love them when they couldn't support themselves

But us? Well when we can no longer stand
When we can no longer push through
The darkness and its inhabitants do just as the friend would do
That's why we won't, we can't let them go
Because they were holding us when no one else would
The demons, the monsters are the most caring things in our life

To this fact one would think our lives must be pretty ****** up

I don't really know how to explain this
To put it in simple terms:
I believe I was born into the wrong family, place, situation, and character

To be elsewhere would save me from whatever destruction I might inflict on myself
To be with people who make you feel whole, who make you feel understood
To be in a place with no past label, a blank slate
To be through different hardships
To be a different person
A better person

Love and to be loved
There will be hardships
But we would have each other
And I would feel love for the first time
The family, the friends, the people of elsewhere
Would fill this void which is my heart
I feel so empty
I feel so alone
But in elsewhere I'd never feel so alive and free and loved and cared for

I have so much love within myself I know not what to do with it

I could love you
I would love you
Because I fall in love with everything that  is beautiful and strong and kind
I would love you with all my heart

But I only wish to be loved with just as much love that I give
Only, I expel my love to things that I cannot have
Things that don't want me
So many times I have talked to people that do not know of my heart
Yet to them I am just another face amongst the rest
A forgotten memory by the next year

I could love you more than anyone ever could
I would love you for all your flaws and all your gifts
Your dark side and light

But I have always felt alone in my love
As it is never returned
So I sit in the solitude of my dying heart
And my eyes grow dim
For the heart lights a candle to your soul
And your soul shines out of your eyes
This very thing allows me to see the Beautiful Ones

I have loved more people than I can count
I remember the beauty of their souls that shone through those eyes
I remember their faces, laughs, happiness, but especially their sadness
I remember my heart breaking each and every time
I remember growing up having to know the painful truth:
That I will never be loved the way I love others because who could ever love a person like me

I could love you
I would love you
And you could love me in the smallest amount
It would be enough
It would be enough if the sight of my love would show your smile
To not feel alone
For just a small while
To feel loved
To feel company
To feel important
To feel needed
To feel wanted
To feel the beauty of your soul light up in my heart
And maybe I might lighten yours with the love of a thousand lovers

For one to feel my love
For one to recognize the amount of love I have for them
That would be worth it all
Just for one, to feel it all
To feel my heart beat and I feel theirs
To know I am here
To know I am loved

I could love you
You could trust me
I could care for you
I could protect you
I could give you my heart
I could give you my life
I could love you with a love that has been here since the beginning of time

I could love you
I could be there for you
I could love you
I could love you

I will cry out again:
I could love you!

Through my frozen lungs it only leaks out a pathetic shout of pain
And no one ever seems to hear

And after all of this
I still find myself here
In the same house with the same company and the same heart
That same heart which only chases after sadness, despair, and suffering

I tried to change my heart
But that action's cost was more than a year in hospitals
And this heart only became cold and froze its contents within

I see I told myself a lie
Gave false hope
I knew better
I deserve the pain
And now I will live with this weight
Until it kills me someday

My heart is wide-open to everyone but no one ever walks in
No one ever wants to walk into such a broken and depressing place
No light shines in
The dust, it collects
The roof has caved in
And living things have come in only to die the ugliest death

There are no inhabitants,
Of course,
Were there ever?

There is nothing important in this ice cold house
Everything dead, dark, and dying
No light will ever shine through
No hope will ever enter

And some day the wind of the world and its people will blow
And with it a spark sets the house aflame
They laugh and dance as they watch
This dilapidated, ugly house be eaten
From the inside, out
Just as it had rot
Something was let inside
By accident
But the house payed the price

My heart is filled with something else now
Not sadness, loneliness, or hopelessness
No, it is filled with the worst and strongest emotion
Hatred, anger, disgust
It's constant, it has never been this persistent
I am one of those people who bottle rage up
And take it out on themselves in privacy
Lose their cool only when locked away, alone
But now it is here and present

Electricity travels up my spin in a suffering manner
As the pain of such shock clamps my jaw shut,
Almost shattering my teeth from the pressure of it all
Then my head catches fire and my heart retracts up
Heat burns my palms so I clench my fists into punches
My short fingernails cut into my flesh, drawing blood
Stomach light as bile rises into my warm, closed throat
A scream tucked in my lungs fighting to leave my mouth
I see everything half-vision being that these eyes are rolling into my skull
Nostrils flared and forehead with eyebrows pulled down,
Staring at the dead person in front of me,
I'm telling you in advance,
Because it's times like these if you were to ask me if I could ****
The answer, most likely, will be yes

They say the fool seeks revenge
And the wise man forgives and forgets
But vengeance is protecting others from your fate
It is being tortured and destroyed by another human being
Caring and loving other people that you risk your own life to destroy the threat for them
True vengeance is rarely for oneself
The wise man forgives the sinner out of the good of his heart
But he then forgets?
Forgets all transgressions, betrayals, and pain
The wise man lacks in morals for not letting justice prevail
And handing over an evil thing back to the world back to the innocent

The fool sees the sinner through the eyes of God
Containing anger, pity, and vengeance for those who are the hurters
The wise man sees the sinner through his own eyes
Determining the fate of another by his own hand

The wise man is a fool for ignoring evil
And the fool is wise for destroying evil

It has all come back
Because I did something that I knew was wrong
That I knew would hurt me, destroy me
I knew it would because I have been all too familiar with its consequences

Hope
Supposedly its a 'good thing'
When hope lives in your body you are seen as being strong and capable

But the pessimistic people of this world are labeled differently
They are the 'party poopers' the glum, the depressed, the angry
Understanding this you could come to the conclusion that I have gathered

Hopelessness is good because you can never be let down
Everything can get better than it was from the beginning
And you don't sustain that hard, sucker-punch to the gut
When everything turns to ****
Because you already expected it to

And this is when I realize why I hated hope so much
Why I never held it fast
Because it never exceeds expectation and rarely meets it
So hope, it just let's you down
It can destroy a person

I'd call these people stupid but, of course, I'd be wrong
I call myself stupid when I make such mistakes
It is a mistake
It is a sin

Everybody who saw her fell in love with her soul
She was so young yet her words so old
She contemplated life and after and people and the world
If you heard her speak she had a quick wit
You felt like a better person being around her
You felt like you learned something important
She fell in love with everybody who had a beautiful soul
But she falls too hard far too quickly
And she is blind to other's view of her
Maybe if someone would have told her she wouldn't have left so soon

There once was girl
Who knew nothing but loneliness
She was a friend to all making her a friend to none
She cared for everyone but never showed out of fear of being broken
Yet again
She was in constant company but never felt it, on the inside
She loved people too quickly and too deeply, yet they never knew
She was silently being torn apart by people who never really knew her
Silently tears ran down her face so many times
In rooms where there was no compassion, no empathy
Her shoulders hunched, chest caving in, and face broken
Broken with confusion and pain and suffering
She believed that she was truly alone in this world
She never knew... she never knew how many people
How many people she meant the world to
How many people cried after they spoke to her about the deepness of the heart
How many people searched in so many places so that they might help this beautiful soul
How many people she had saved
She was blind
By self-loathing, self-doubt
She hated herself so much that she didn't even see the love people had for her