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May 2016 · 427
One Last Time
I loved her more than she would have ever known
More than I ever should
She was a friend
One I could trust, one that listened, the only one who could've saved me
She was more than a friend
There isn't a word that could ever come close to explaining who she was to me
I could have given her all she gave me and more
But I never whispered the words I always wanted to say to her
I protected her from afar and cared for her and loved her
But she had no clue, how much she meant to me
And I, I could not live without her
But she would not notice living without me
You could say it was all fake
You could say I tricked myself into believing there was something more
I didn't even get to say goodbye
The words I last spoke to her were a lie
And I would take it back a hundred times again
If it meant I could see her face and hear her words one last time
Just once more and my heart would be settled
May 2016 · 357
LM's Unknown Love
The eyes that rest upon her face are ice-cold oceans with sparkling night skies
Once contact is made it is hard not to throw your gaze to the floor
But, if you peer long into her eyes, it is impossible to break the contact
It is a hypnosis of the mind, drawing you into her words
The curiosity, the wanting to help, and the desire to fix a broken, hopeless, suffering being
Thats soul has darkened at the hands of this horrible world
The world sees a dead carcass stumbling on its own mistakes
But she sees you and your potential and your worth to this miserable world
I cannot communicate without a pen in my hand
And constant moving pictures of a dreamland
I cannot speak outside of a piece of paper
Emotions, opinions, thoughts, and truths are components to which I taper
They are the ones who crush my lungs to make me mute
My tongue has vanished and my face is smothered by a makeshift suit
It makes the physically impossible situation of uttering a word
My head becomes completely barren, so no thoughts could be caught by the sword
When I am in the place that makes me gone
The biggest truth I could ever mutter is “I don’t know”, but no one seems to catch on
It means I have so many things to say that “I don’t know” means I don’t know where to begin
That moment where I believe I have something, so I start to move my chin
But my words are a silent breath, leaking out of my closed, frozen lips
For someone to understand my struggle and pain behind this would be as rare as an eclipse
I can’t be here and I can’t be there
All is an illusion, all is fake
Because there isn’t there, so I can’t go there
And here’s not here because here isn’t here
I can’t be here and I can’t be there
Where might I be?
Here’s the present, there’s the mind
Here’s no here and there’s not there
So I float into the oblivion of the world unknown, the world unseen, the world unheard, the world unfelt
This world’s not this world
I become utterly confused of where I am and where I’m not
Who I am and who I’m not
All logic and all reason is lost by now
This conflict leaves me floating in a blank space
In which I cannot leave until the proof:
That here is here and there is there
And I am now
Her hands are soft, but always cold
They are graceful and have a purpose with every move
When she speaks, her words are blunt and powerful
But every now and then her voice wavers
Filled with empathy, sadness, and fear
As she understands the pain and suffering
She tries to contain these actions to her emotions
But she's human too
Apr 2016 · 275
Hope in Love
I miss her so much
She was the only person who made me feel important to someone
She acted like she cared
I felt like I was loved
It could've been an act
But I'd like to believe it was true
I'd like to believe a person loved me as much as I loved them
Apr 2016 · 238
No Escape
When you run through the trees to escape the fire
You place yourself deeper into the woods
and, then, all of a sudden, you've lost your way
The sky gets dimmer, eyes turn grimmer, as your throat grows tighter,
You've pulled your own trigger
Mar 2016 · 410
Ever Since
There are officially no motivators
I am gone from this world already
Been gone since my mother found me lying on my bathroom floor
Slowly dying, covered in blood and *****
Never woke up that morning
Been gone ever since
In my head
Only thing that exists is this mind and this heart
The world around is fake
I'm not here, never was
Mar 2016 · 378
On This Earth
What if you have no point on this earth?
What if you don't belong on this earth?
What if you're not imperative to anyone on this earth?
What if you are just existing on this earth?
What if, for you, there is no happiness on this earth?

You just shouldn't be here
You should be somewhere else

Where you have a purpose
Where you fit
Where you are loved and needed
Where you can live
Where you feel happiness for once in so long
Do you ever hear things that aren't there?
Like blood-curling screams
Your name being yelled
A radio playing 40's music and commentating on a derby
Or Arguing

Do you ever see things that aren't there?
Like a shadow creeping closer and closer to you every time you blink
Floating orbs
Or a man who is supposed to torture you and **** your parents

Do you ever mistake the world inside your head for the world outside?
A best friend who isn't real
A family who isn't dead
A scary man who isn't alive
Or an event that isn't circumstantial

Do you ever predict the future?
A death
Or a life

Do you ever think yourself to be insane?

Yeah, me too.
Mar 2016 · 431
16
16
If only I could speak to you
If we were adults I could see you and tell you everything
But we're 16 and in pain
With no one to hold
With no one to save
Mar 2016 · 937
When You Love Someone
When you love someone there’s never just one reason
There is as many as the snowflakes in the winter season
When you love someone you can’t be without them
Always in your head, on your mind, their voice a gentle hum

When you love someone and they leave
They are always haunting making you grieve
When you love someone and they don’t love you back
Then you are nothing but a fool, a heart with a crack
An excerpt from a song I'm writing (First draft). I'm trying to explain the voices in my head and the people who aren't there, but are in here, in my head.
Mar 2016 · 418
No Escape
Why do they say ‘suicide is never the answer’?
They never give any other solution, do they?
Just a caution to the wind
A guilt trip to the Internet when you look for methods
If someone put a gun in my hand and told me to defend myself
I’d place the gun to my temple and pull the trigger
If someone told me to stay alive for them
I’d place the gun on the table and do as I was told
Mar 2016 · 717
Hopeless Strangers
Someone once told me to stay alive from them
And it was never my family, it was never my friends
It was someone who was hired to keep me alive
She did a pretty good job
Even if she doesn’t care about me her acting convinced me enough
Because I can’t seem to succeed in dying
Mar 2016 · 758
Thoughts= Character
People try to tell me that your thoughts are not you
That they’re not your character
But what better presentation of your character
Then the voice of your subconscious
And the screams of your demons
Mar 2016 · 581
If Only
I feel so much pain from everything
I’ve lost all my friends
I can’t stand to be around my family
My past haunts me
My future ages me
My being disgusts me
My life has no point
All this pain could have been avoided if only I hadn’t of gone downstairs
If only I kept the pills down
If only
If only, then I would be happy
I’d be free
I would no longer be alone and in pain
The pain and the loneliness is killing me
It will **** me eventually
Mar 2016 · 307
We Are One
The demons in my head never seem to rest
All I do is feed them because it’s the only way I know how to keep breathing
They became me there is no doubt in my mind that I am them
And they are me
Mar 2016 · 369
The Wholey Ones
Isn’t it utterly excruciating when you don’t want to be alone, but you have no choice?
No choice because no one will ever keep you company
And even those who try cannot suffice that whole in your heart

And that whole just keeps getting wider and wider the older you get
Until this heart hangs by one thread
Tearing, two parts
falling to the ground and shattering apart
Yea, we already past that point aren’t we?
The flashbacks are the worst
The thought of the gulps of water and the pills hitting your stomach
Passing out, imagining how it was to be discovered barely breathing
Throw up everywhere, blood dried on your wrists
Bottles scattered, white skin
But worse than that the regret
Not the regret of the action but the regret of the result
Thinking of the pain that would have been avoided if only you stayed in the car far away
So far your unexpected existence has not been justified and you fear it will never be
Just another failure to write on your skin
Jan 2016 · 494
160th
This is my last poem
I bid you farewell
It is such an odd thought
That my body might repel

But I thank you for your attention
I might be at peace when you read this
So pray for my soul to meet God
And ask Him to take me even though I don't deserve bliss
Thank you and goodbye.
Jan 2016 · 283
The Final Spiral
I'm so at peace with what is about to happen that I might actually feel joy
Such strange emotions are brought about when the end is near
A sense of serenity even though things are about to get hectic
But it will all be over soon
This world is a strange place
With strange inhabitants
That have strange emotions
I can’t seem to ever understand it
Jan 2016 · 541
The Craziness Of It All
You feel like your ******* going insane
Lost all your marbles
Losing your mind
NO hope
No help
And you know you’re already too far gone to ever be saved
Saved by yourself, another person and even God Himself cannot save you from the fate that awaits because of course he already predestined this to all happen
And you can’t escape you cannot escape the inevitable
It’s impossible
And there’s going to come that day, it always appears in this spiral in hell
That day when its 4 o’clock in the morning and your holding a knife and a hand-full of pills, your knuckles bruised and you’re stained with *****,
You’ll see one thing in sight because this time its different
It’s just so different
And you’ll take the pills and slash your wrists and hang from a rope because you want to make sure that you succeed this time
I can see it how peaceful the bliss of coming home and escaping this hell we were all put on.
Of course I’m already dead I just need to dispose of this corpse roaming the earth taking up space just a waste in the middle of some people’s heaven
Jan 2016 · 297
The Last Night
I feel calm
I know the plan
And I know I can’t stop myself
And neither could anybody else
I am content with what I am about to do
Today was the last sunset I will see
And, my did God make it a brilliant one
I am at ease
Just ready to go home
The welcome of taking in the one that accidently went on this earth
I will go home
I will finally be home
Rid of all the pain, the sorrow, the loneliness, the hopelessness,
The helplessness, the brain in my head, the heart in my chest
I will only take my soul
And I’ll tell you the truth:
I will be the happiest I have ever been
Jan 2016 · 609
Short, But Tart
Slitting wrists
Chugging wine
Taking pills
Sanity's fine line

Down once more
But it is the last
To go heaven-bound
And come to pass
Jan 2016 · 2.3k
To Those Whom It May Concern
I lied
Over and over and over again
There's nothing to be done that could've been done with what I gave you

Friends, I am sorry I **** at being just that and if you say I am a good friend
Look at what I just did, good friends don't do that to others
But, I love you all and this is the truth

Good people don't do this
Selfish people do
Weak people do
Cowards do

Family, I am sorry for lying to you and saying I'm alright
But most of all I'm sorry about how much of a problem I was
For wasting your time and effort and money
I'm sorry for causing you pain
I love you all and this is the truth

And to all others whom it may concern
Whether I passed you in the hall
Or was in your class
Or played on your team:
The world isn't that bad of a place
I just got the wrong mind
And if you look for hope its there
It just takes some time

And I love you all and this is the truth
This is the end.
Jan 2016 · 272
Oh, What A Shame
I'm content with my decision
And nothing will get in my way
Because this time I am selfish
And thought it all through
Too bad really
Jan 2016 · 571
Avoided
And I wonder now if this could've been avoided
If I've kept getting help instead of pushing it away
But I guess this is what would've happened eventually
Because I never really wanted help
I just wanted to leave this hellish world
Jan 2016 · 609
I'm So, So Sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry mom for being such a burden and lying through my teeth
I'm sorry dad for not being more compassionate and stronger
I'm sorry for wasting your money to try and fix me
I'm sorry brother for not sticking around to see you do great things
I'm sorry sister for not spending more time with you when I could
I'm sorry for being weak and selfish
I'm sorry most of all to God because I'm such a poor sinner and a poor Christian
I'm sorry for wasting your time
And I'm sorry for portraying hope because, to tell you the truth,
I knew the whole time
I wouldn't be here much longer
This is it. It's tonight. There's no going back and frankly no one can stop me not even myself. This is the way it has to be I am in too much pain, to much suffering, and no motivation to be less selfish.
Jan 2016 · 360
I Write To...
I write to keep myself afloat with insanity so near
To let my anger out and with it, my fear
To keep my words from becoming actions
And to add to my list of distractions
Sadness and loneliness accompany all
To comprise a deep, thoughtful poem that speaks of my fall
As my heart spills out on this paper
I sit up to find my ideas turning to vapor
Yet, inevitably, they will become the present
Therefore my soul will no longer be in constant torment
Everything's gone
Nobody's here
I need help but I am so alone
The screams are so loud inside of my head
And nothing seems to stop them, unlike before
It escalates so quickly
I don't even have time to think
Everyone's absent
Nothing is here
Everything's wrong
I need to talk to someone but no one is around
Its all coming back worse than before
I can't escape it
Not for a second
I try to sleep but when I close my eyes everything is even more vivid
The blood, the thoughts, the memories
No one to talk to for a couple of days
Nothing's right
Jan 2016 · 318
No More, No More
I can't go on
It's as simple as that
There's no way I'll make it out this time
The only control I have in my life is my life
And I'm not strong enough or talented enough to do anything special
So I plot my own death and see if I can get away with it
Trying to prove to myself that I'm at least strong enough to put myself out of this misery
Jan 2016 · 404
The Great Ones
Why are the vast majority of poems about love
What, in this emotion, this feeling is so special, so unique
That whenever it is felt in the slightest a beautiful, elegant piece of work is created
To tell you the truth these types of writings I hate
I hate because I envy the happiness of it and even the sorrow without it
I believe them to be sappy fellows without any problems in the world
I presume that those who are in love think these to be the greatest writers
And I think those who write of pain, sorrow, and struggle to be the greatest
But the ones who feel opposite might suspect them to be miserable fellows rambling on and complaining about their sadness

So I guess it depends on your perception and your mood and situation to distinguish the truly talented
The ones to whom you can relate to and fully comprehend
Jan 2016 · 867
The Wrenched Soul
Maybe it's the blood
Maybe it's the scar
Maybe it's the gap
Or the bar

That led me back
To this place of insanity
I am a wrenched soul
Among humanity

For I know what I do
And how it hurts others
But I am a selfish *******
So I keep on until dusk it smothers
Jan 2016 · 442
Only Thing Left
The only thing I have left is my sadness
The jagged pieces of myself scattered across the floor
I wish there was something else
I wish I could do something other than fall apart
But it seems I have no choice

Could blame it on my brain
Irony gets me once again
For I try to avoid weakness, cowardliness
But in doing so I make myself just that:
Weak and pitiful to think any different
Overload caffeine
No food
Too many pills
Workout for hours
No sleep
****** nights with steel
Gaging meals in the bathroom
Blackout drunk
Loss of hope
Loss of fear
Loss of self
What lies ahead.
Jan 2016 · 439
Un-titled
Need to cut
Can't ignore
I'm a nut
On the floor
Mind racing
Fist to wall
Can't stop pacing
Do not stall
Just do the deed
Never to return
Have to succeed
To whom it may concern
How it seems to be at this moment.
Jan 2016 · 563
Blunt & Frank
I'm 60 lb. overweight making me a fat *****
I'm ugly as hell
I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer
I **** at pretty much everything
So alone
So weak
So cowardice
I can't stand to God anymore because I can't stand what I've done
I have no business being happy or seeing any light in anything
Just the facts of me
Jan 2016 · 629
Sciamachy
Turn around and its always near
Shadows of a broken mirror
About, you face, or right behind
Having little faith in mind
You turn around and run to hide
From the silhouette inside
Jagged reflections start to overtake you
Fear, anger, and sadness are in its brew
And when it finally envelops you whole
All Hopes will force you to fall down that deep hole
Sciamachy: the battle against imaginary enemies; fighting your shadow
All my fights and battles aren't even in the world, they seem to be all in my head, but are just as real if they weren't. Just trying to make it more tangible as to not lose my mind once again.
Dec 2015 · 952
In the Clouds, in the Storm
I am in a constant haze
And try to convince myself it's just a phase
But it's just the same
As those days that make my name

My dreams feel like reality
And reality, as intense a dream can be
It's a lulling sadness hovering overhead
Like a giant thunder cloud, raining dread

And I hate my life for this and much more
Causing pain to this living corpse
Is the only way to survive longer
But even with this the darkness grows stronger
Dec 2015 · 413
For Better or For Worse
It's actually back
It's that pit in my stomach
Lump in my throat
Weight on shoulders kind of feel
And I know what it leads to
I've been down this road too many times not to
There's never a going back from this point
I must ride it to the end
But this will be the last
I will not do this again
This is the last time
For better, but most likely, for worse
I am afraid for the person I was two weeks ago
And for the one I will be one week from now

The constant torture of being in two minds in one place
Keeping up with two outlooks on one topic

Because when I'm in these moments I have no control
You could say one never really loses sight of themselves
But then you'd be lying

You see I do every night when I'm in this state
I know the outcome, the end of it all
And take it with open arms and chin upheld to the evils of everything I squandered
Dec 2015 · 956
Fear
I fear nothing anymore
And for that I should fear more
Dec 2015 · 813
Cellar Door
CeLlAr DoOr
cElLaR dOoR
cELLAR dOOR
cellar door

Cellar Door:
The most beautiful comprised set of words in the English dictionary

Why?

It could be the similar endings or how the shapes of the C and D are parallel
It could be the double letters in each word that are located right in the middle of both
Yet it could also be the way it, so easily, slides up your throat and escapes you mouth while it still ruminates on the tip of your tongue

But I personally believe it is not the letters or the sounds
It is the mystery of that one "Cellar Door"

What lies behind the "Cellar Door"?
Where does this "Cellar Door" lead to?
Can you imagine the beauty of this "Cellar Door"?

The perfection of this word is that of which the eyes cannot see and the ears cannot hear
I don't know what happened
It's like all of a sudden I stopped feeling guilty

I also stopped feeling happiness and joy and love
Every "good" feeling had left me

Therefore I only obtain those "bad" feelings
And these grew bigger
Due to the filling of the vacant space
That once belonged to the good

Hatred, anger, hostility, rage, violence, and vengeance comprised me
In this state I exist
In this state I ****
The only thing left
To rid the world of such an awful creature
I just hope that when I do I can feel some sort of relief
Some sort of good
Dec 2015 · 422
This Goddamn Place
I hate this ******* world
With it's ******* people
And their ******* logic

So much pain and suffering
So much despair and anger

When can I escape it all
Even then it would be too late
Dec 2015 · 278
Worth Living
They tell you that you are going to get better
No
You have to get better

Yet you can't even live a life because they are keeping you prisoner
Video taping you at night, monitoring your medicine and food intake
Making sure the knives are locked away

They want you to want to live
But why would you want to if the life they're giving you isn't worth living
In fact it shouldn't even be labeled as living, but surviving
Existing in a world that offers you nothing and you offer it the same
Dec 2015 · 582
Worst Enemy
It's like this:
I was thinking the other day,
And like always thinking about how ****** up my past is
Which in conclusion, how ****** up my future is,

Anyway, I was thinking about the fact that through the years I've always been alone
Never with company, and especially not now

You see when you're alone, so truly alone
You are your best friend
But, in turn, your worst enemy

And sadly, in my experience, hate seems stronger than love on this godforsaken earth

So tell the truth:
Wouldn't you want to slam your enemy's head in a wall
Watch them bleed and suffer
Make them become extinct to the people who once loved them
Push them slowly into shadows
Dead to the world

Yeah, me too
A little rough but I'm pretty ****** right now, so poetry.
Dec 2015 · 510
Outbreak
Heart beats
Face heats

Hands shake
Legs quake

Eyes dart
Tears start

Gasping for air
As the voices blair

Happening every night
Due to this, I write

The only time I can speak
Are on these pages as my lungs leak
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