You saw a new toy
The toy felt confident
You had the new toy
The toy was yours
You loved that toy
The toy started breaking
You didn't like the toy
The toy felt like trash
You left the toy
The toy broke more
You didn't care
The toy wished they were new again

You watch time pass by
Seeing your friends getting married, having kids, and owning homes
While you sit in your childhood room cheering them on
As you envy them because you want to be there.

You look around at your childhood room trying to make it feel more you
All you are doing is avoiding the issue at
But you're scared
Scared of stepping out into the world.

You try changing your style from the emo phase to the boho kings/queens
Spending all your money to see what calls your name the most
Questioning everything you wear
You cry looking at the little white dress you're wearing
Wishing it was the dress that was saying the words 'I Do.'

Hoping that the feeling of insecurities leave your body
It doesn't
Not until you are ready to step out into the world
Until then you cry while you wear a little white dress.

Have you ever wished that your life was different?
Wished you didn’t have the past that haunts you daily,
The disappointment in your parents’ eyes,
Longing to fit in but knowing it will never happen.

“Make a wish” they say every year on your birthday,
You wish for the same thing every time
To be acknowledged for your achievements.

How many hoops do you have to jump through?
10? 20? 50?
What happens when there are no more hoops?
Then what?

Nothing but a wish.

As December rolls around the corner
seeing everyone slowly putting up their decorations.
She can almost tell that...
that this year's holidays are going to hurt more.
She wishes that she could feel some holiday joy,
but instead
she feels pain and agony.
She wishes she was in hiding during the time of the holidays.
Alas she can't.
She has to deal with the nonstop arguing of who is getting her for what days,
the what are you getting her? No, we're getting her that!
and the worst one possible, bet you wish you were with your other parent?
Said to say,
Not everyone likes the holidays.
Don't assume that everyone has an easy life,
some people just want peace and quiet during this time
because she is dealing with the depression and pain.
It doesn't mean she won't be happy for everyone else...
but on the inside, she is crying and wishing to be in bed.
Crying to know that her childhood turned a child's favorite holiday into a yell off.
She just needs the holidays to be over to go on with her own life again.

Waking up to want to sleep again,
sleep away the pain that was given to you.
You wish for the pain to go away.
You want it to leave, but instead
it gets worse.
No amount of crying will help,
at this point, you are trying to move on.
Move on from the pain,
the anger that has been festering within you.
You just lay in bed, staring at your ceiling
feeling like you can’t win, well guess what?
You will win and prevail
past this pain and anger.
You have to be able to move on.

Congratulation,
You finally found that one person
that was meant to be with you,
but in the process you had to push me away.
Now we have to deal with the fact, that
you are okay with abandoning family,
you created neglectful problems between you and I.
Yet you expect me to be okay with it all,
that is something that would never happen.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry,
that I couldn’t be a part of your success,
but I am still looking for my person,
still looking for my success. Believe me when I say,
I will be fine without you in my life,
since you have abandoned me countless times.
Sad to believe that I am used to the abandonment.
I will say this now, I will miss you
and I do hope that your success gets better,
but I can’t be there when you get that success.
Knowing that I am okay with you walking away
makes me terrified,
you were supposed to protect me,
to keep me safe.
Instead all you did was make me feel like everything was
my fault -
so I apologize to you
for leaving you behind in my way of life.
I hope someday you can understand why I chose to leave.

So when I say I have a weird feeling
It doesn’t mean that I want to do said thing
No
It means let’s do the opposite of said thing
I have been feeling like this since the first night back
I acted casual about it
Didn’t want to make a scene
I felt more uncomfortable there
Then I did when seeing my ex ask me to be their tour guide
It made me question
If you were listening to me at all
Clearly not
Because here we are
About to do said thing
That gave me this weird feeling
And you’re okay with that
Instead going with my idea…
You chose to change it for some odd reason
Now, let’s get something straight
I never question your changes
But in this moment…
I do
Like are we going out for us...or for someone else
If that is the case
Then I am going home
And I will cry because that weird feeling will return
Stronger than anything
Because not only are you okay with letting me have this feeling
You’re okay with me crying home alone
Which makes me question
Are we even friends?

How can you sleep knowing that you can easily hurt someone close to you?
Easy, it's because they don't know you're hurting
You put up all these walls to the point that saying "it's fine" is the verge of tears
You know you're not fine, but you push through it all
Trying to stay focus on one project a day gets harder as days pass
You just wish for someone to ask if you need help with any of your projects
...but no...no one ask, but it's fine
It's fine that you can silently cry and no one will notice your puffy red face
It's fine that you had to suppress emotions to make your friends and family happy
It's fine that your parents haven't seen you have an anxiety attack
Wait, no...change that, to the fact that parents think my anxiety is part of a phase
If it was a phase, I would like it to be over already
A phase is what my parents were thinking when I wanted to dye my hair
A phase is what my friends thought when I realized I liked girls
But hey, it's fine
Generally okay with the fact that I will rarely get support from family
But it's fine because my "family" that I have created thanks to some loyal friends will be there holding signs, screaming my name louder than everyone
It's fine that I can barely speak about myself without getting mixed up emotions
Emotions that have been hiding under my bed with the monsters that stopped existing
The emotions everyone clearly don't want to see with me...so then I put up more walls
Each wall stronger than the last one
Using all kinds of materials for each wall
But its it's okay because I think it's fine.

This is what it feels like it
To lose yourself
Especially in poor timing
Now I never intended to lose myself
But things happened
Events occurred
Here I am now
What do you know
I'm stuck fighting a war within me
Reminding myself that I need to eat and sleep
Finding a million and one reasons to get out of bed
Trying to give a reason to have a genuine smile
It's tiring
It's draining
Worst of all...is that I don't even care
Currently I am watching from the sidelines
While my team is getting crushed
But coach won't let me play
So here I am now
Wondering what's my next plan
That's just it...
I don't have one
Usually do...but this time I don't

Those bad days come
The days were getting out of bed shouldn’t be an option
Were looking at everyone can’t be a choice
But you have to smile for the camera
Everyone is looking at you
While you see that moment
That moment of being on a bus with a friend
A friend that took your friendliness for flirting
A friend that decided to play fight with you
But play fighting turned into something more
Into something you wished it didn’t
He kissed you
You didn’t want or intend for that to happen
You didn’t know what to do
You’re paralyzed
As you tell him no, he tries play fighting again
You reject that too
But in the end, he bites your arm
And now you are stuck with the feeling of teeth on you
The feeling that you still have the bruise
A bruise that you had to hide from your family members
A bruise that symbolized
“You are broken”
You get stuck wearing anything but a normal shirt
No one questions it...but yourself
You can feel the pain
You can see yourself crying all over again
You can feel the hug that your teacher gave you when they found out
That teacher helped you more than anyone
That teacher took care of you in your time of need
That teacher was your parent because you couldn’t show them your bruise
You can feel the nothingness that came out of that experience
You can hear the whispers
The whispers of blame toward you
The whispers of “they asked for it”
No you didn’t ask for it
All you asked for was a friend
A friend to sit next to
A friend to stay close to, so you wouldn’t get lost
But in the end you got more lost
If anything, you got lost and betrayed
Within minutes before and after that first kiss
But you still feel that bruise, even after it’s gone
You feel where their teeth sunk in on your skin
That part of your skin remembers every nerve being in pain
Your muscles remembering tensing up right when it happened
That friend marked you
For what, because you were friendly
Because you gave them attention they hardly got
Who’s to say,
All you know is that you had a bruise and a bad memory on that bus
A memory that haunts you till this day
A memory you wished would just disappear
Just like the bruise
That friend got in trouble
With a slap on the wrist
And everyone on their side
You are the one at fault
You started the whole thing
But you are the one with the wounds
You were too friendly, everyone said
How could that have mattered
When you are now bruised on the inside
Where their teeth were

Recently it hasn’t been easy
Lack of sleep
Horrible thoughts
But you
You are one of the reasons
I get up in the morning
Knowing that I will see you
Knowing that I get to hug you
Nothing has made me happier
Than spending time with you
So thank you
Thank you for saving me
For keeping me safe
For showing me a good time
Thank you for being there
When others were not

I always wondered what love was
You know, there are examples all around us
Showing us what love is
I used to think it was all about finding my Prince Charming
But as the years went by
I realized that Prince Charming only exists in fairy tales
Then I followed how my family became the way it is
My mom married her best friend
My dad married his best friend
So I thought maybe I need to marry my best friend
That was my worst decision yet
I should of just waited for Prince Charming
At least he would of made me feel special
Falling in love with a best friend
Is the hardest thing to get into and get out of
I lost great memories,
Inside jokes,
Favorite songs
But the question still stands
What is love?
Love is the little things someone does for you
Reminding you to stay strong on your toughest days
Love is making sure that you don’t go to bed in tears
Trying to be your light on your darkest days
For all that to happen
You have to do the same for love to stay around
Long enough to even think about staying with you forever
But you never know,
Love might not be ready for marriage
Or love just doesn’t like the idea of marriage
Having love in your life
Is both a blessing and a curse
Since you will never know if love will leave you
But you’ll have great memories with love,
Little inside jokes that make you both laugh,
Songs that made you both dance together
That’s one thing everyone expects from love
To be romantic,
Not everyone can be romantic
But once they try
It’ll be worth all the times they weren’t romantic
Everything love does for us
It’s strange
But now love has no limits
Anyone can love anyone they want
No matter what gender you are,
What your sexuality is,
Your nationality,
Or any of that,
Till then I will continue asking
What is love?

Let’s take that risk
Why don’t we change things up?
I jumped first
You either got pulled in or you jumped right after me
Either way
You jumped after me
No amount of words can tell you how happy I am
That’s a lie
Everything about that moment was
Breathtaking
I wish you could hear my thoughts in that moment
They were screaming
Chanting
Sending all the positivity in my life
Once you said that answer
I was overjoyed
In that moment
I felt like a kid on their birthday
I wanted to jump out of my skin
Every time I thought about this moment
I thought it’d be in person and the other way around
But hey, you can’t always have it all
I am just happy that I might get my chance
This chance will test it all
Let’s just take that risk together
Don’t choose to go back on your word
Since this was a bigger jump for me than you.
So like I said, Just say Yes.

How do you do that?
You could just be sitting there breathing and I would still think that you’re incredible
You could be looking at your phone while I am trying to read your mind
Yet you don’t realize that I see you
How can you not see me back?
I get it, you see me
But not the way I see you
I hope that’s wrong because the way you look at me
It makes me curious on what’s going on in your mind
What do you think about when you see me?
Am I just there?
Was I meant to be more?
To be less?
Or was I just nothing?
Then again, nothing matters if you can’t talk to me
Like why are you scared to talk to me?
Please don’t say you’re not because like I said, I see you
I see the way you change tones when we change topics
Seeing you change always makes me question why
But I rarely ask, because that is your own reason
One thing you do that you don’t realize
When you are talking with me and we actually make eye contact
You stay locked into my eyes until I stop the eye contact
But how can I?
Your eyes are just as beautiful as you

Dreams are your hopes
Nightmares are your fears
But both combined can be a tricky situation
You could have a great night sleep
But have one nightmare
That can ruin the entire night
That one nightmare that wakes you up
Cold sweat dripping off your forehead
Your breath is shallow
The nightmare that could make you wake up in tears
You just end up sitting up late
Calming your nerves
You question what the nightmare was about
But you don’t want to know what it means
It’s 4 AM
No one is awake
But YOU
Instead you go back to bed
And hope
Hope you don’t have that nightmare again

You spent every other day with me
It makes my heart skip beats
You make me feel like I am the only person in the world
You might be on your phone
But you still make me feel more important
The way me and you act
It kills me
I always see you on your bed
Yet I just wish
Wish that you were next to me
Holding me close to you
When everyone asked me what I did that night before
Your name is somewhere in the answer
When I say your name, my heart skips beats
When I talk about you
My smile is huge
My eyes light up like the Fourth of July
You make me look like a schoolgirl with this crush
When I am with you
You just make me the happiest person
Your flaws are amazing
Even though you say you aren’t handsome
I ALWAYS
ALWAYS
ALWAYS think you’re wrong
Because you are more than handsome
You are my ideal person
You and I are always on the same page
There is never a dull moment
I will do anything to keep you happy
Even if that means
Keeping my feelings to myself
Just know
You make my heart skip beats

You sit there by the phone
Waiting
Waiting for it to ring because you know the minute you leave it alone

Buzz
                                          Buzz
           ­                                                                 ­       Buzz

But you can’t hear it

Until you get back to see a missed call
But it is a missed call from someone you didn’t want to talk to
You are waiting for that special person to call you
To tell you about their day
You miss their voice
Their voice has given you comfort in the past but now they need you
They need you to be strong for them
But for you to do that
You have to hear their voice
Hear how broken they could be
But you missed their call
You try calling them back

Ring
                                        Ring
                                                                ­                  Ring
Nothing

So you just sit there
Waiting
Waiting for them to call you back now

Have you listened to one song on repeat just to focus on the meaning behind it?
That one song that takes you to a nice moment
That moment in the car with the windows down
Blasting the song and screaming every single word
You have a huge smile on your face because you know you love this song
Then there are the songs that hit the soul
The songs that can make you cry
Sometimes listen to the songs that make you cry because it helps get through tough times
Songs that can make you angry about a moment where things were bad
Yet you still listen to them because it reminds of the good moments within the angry moments
There are some songs that not everyone can listen to
Prime example, I cannot listen to A Great Big World: Already Home  
It makes me cry but I listen to it when I know I need a good cry
My favorite song to listen that makes me happy is P!ATD: Dancing’s Not A Crime
Depending on the day, you are having that tells you what kind of music you’ll be listening to

Slowly breaking its spine
Looking at that new front
Seeing the beauty within the title
The cover can give you an idea of the adventure you are about to take
Be ready to get attached to either the protagonist or the antagonist
You could even get attached to one of the secondary character
Holding that new book
You could smell the pages are still in that fresh new book
Once you start the book, you know you can’t put it down
One more page
One more chapter
Until you realize that you just finished your book
This adventure takes you to different universes
Different countries
Teaches you new languages
Don’t know how to speak Spanish, well I guess it’s time to learn for this chapter
Falling in love with the relationships within the book
Using the characteristics to finding your next person
Teachers used to tell us “reading is fundamental”
I will give them that
Reading became fun for me
The adventures I have gone on from reading has been the best
I got a letter to Hogwarts from reading Harry Potter series
Became a shadowhunter thanks to the Mortal Instruments series
I fought in the hunger games with Katniss
Stayed on team Jacob in the Twilight saga
Went to Camp Half-Blood with Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase
And many more to add to that list
Reading has helped me escape that scary thing called
Reality

The little things make me happy
Taking walks in the rain with one of my best friends while talking about life
Singing out my favorite songs that makes me smile
Belting out wrong notes knowing that I won’t care about who is around to hear me
Sitting in a Barnes & Noble talking about everything
Chilling in my room watching any movie or show
Dancing around as I go to classes
Knowing that my friends will always be there for me, supporting me in all my worst times
When things get tough
I think of the happiest moments in my life
My sister actually understanding me
Getting my dogs
Meeting my 2 best friends in the whole world
Graduating high school
….soon to be graduating from college
Realizing that I am graduating from college
Going out into the real world, “I’m good, I don’t want that yet”
It may be scary, but I will have my friends by my side giving me new ways to smile
I am ready for what the world has in store for me
As long as I can find ways to smile
My smile is my weapon
No one can take that away from me, even if they tried…
They have a line of people to get through before coming to me
My happiness is one of my best traits
I make friends with it
The little things get me through the bad days
Those little things have kept me going and kept me strong
Kept pushing me to go bigger and better
One best friend has been there for me since 8th grade
Not a day goes by that we don’t remind each other that we appreciate each other
The other best friend walked into my life with Thor’s hammer this past year
I remind them that no one is taking me away
No refunds to either of my best friends because I wouldn’t want to return them ever
The minute that happens, that’s when I am going to an asylum for my bad decisions
When people ask me...what is something that makes me happy?
I say, hanging out with one of my best friends
No one makes me happier than those two weirdos
I wouldn’t trade them in for anything
What are the little things that make you happy?

Walking in the dark night can be terrifying
Unless you have a friend by your side
Or if you know where you’re going
Night can be scary sometimes, not because it’s dark
It’s because you don’t know what is ahead of you
You could be walking on a path but even that path isn’t lite
This path is your life.
Now I am not saying that you don’t know where your life is leading you
You could be one of those people that have had your life planned since you were 10
Then there are the people that just go with the flow
Not going to lie...I envy those people
I personally am in between both types of people
I plan maybe a year in advance…
If things change then I am quick to just say “Oh well, that’s okay”
But that’s me
I’ve seen people go crazy about planning before
I’m good...I don’t need that craziness in my life
My craziness comes from the night
The night has made my brain confused
In a good way, don’t get me wrong I love the night
The night has given me new adventures
New stories
New friends
Everything about the night for me is good
I was told that the night could be the best thing in the world
Watching the sun fall on a bad day
Seeing the moon of a new night
Feeling the sun rise for a better day
Last time I broke night was for a college class
The entire time…I was in a lab with no windows in it
I walked out of lab to see the sun shining between the buildings
Working thru that night was tough because even if I couldn’t see the moon
I knew it was high in the sky waiting for me to walk around my campus
Waiting for me to walk around singing all my songs
Talking about my day as the wind blows through my body
Wishing that some people were different
Hoping that everyone could be happy in their lives just like me
The night can be terrifying though

Did you hear that?
That shear pain
That sounds like scratches on a chalkboard.
That horrible sound that makes you think of the last rejection from your crush.
Did you think about that one moment that everyone around you knows the truth about you but you
That’s funny because you see the truth all around you,
All you could hope is that no one notices all the issues in your life
Everyone sees what’s going wrong in your life while you are putting on this big cheese smile,
Knowing that your whole world is on fire
And I don’t mean a little campfire fire, I mean a fire that could take out an entire country
A fire that could burns you from the inside out.
You can tell who have been fighting this fire within themselves
It’s worse when all the people involved end up acting like they know nothing
You just have to sit there and wonder what is going to happen next
This is that moment that you hear that shear pain all over again
You feel that fire that burned you
Sometimes you just got to think about how you got there
Did you ever think that someone is setting you up to fail?
That’s something I always thought about
Why, why would someone like myself think that way?
Well, let’s get real.
Everyone has an agenda, whether you were meant to be there or not.
That agenda changes more times than I do into an outfit to go out in
Which is upsetting because all I do is try on different sets of shirts to get told
“Just wear that, no one is going to care”
Sorry that I actually care about my appearance
Sorry that you wanted me to just choose one shirt
But I am not sorry for making myself look different
Because when I am out, I want to be a different person
That is my moment to meet someone new,
Every time I’ve gone out with my friends I made at least one new friend
So I am not sorry for trying on different sets of shirts to remind myself that I am meeting someone new
Someone that didn’t know I was going to change their agenda
But one thing I will always notice is that once you change someone’s agenda
Your agenda stays the same,
This one person I met at a bar
We chatted it up, I learned they lived in my same borough, they got me a couple of drinks
All I gave them was my Facebook profile…
Clearly I was making “a move” as my best friend told me
That’s the moment that I questioned where my agenda was taking me
My agenda wanted me to feel that shear pain again
But it raises the question of why does being nice have to look like flirting now?
How does that make sense?
So if I compliment your outfit, does that mean that I want you in my bed?
No...it means that I think your outfit is cute
I just can’t even comprehend that thought process of how we got to that point
My mother always told me to be nice to everyone
I guess that would make me a flirtatious person…
But guess what I am not that person
I’m the person that fights for what I believes in
Fights for the people closest to my heart
This is all about that shear pain that makes me think of a scratching on a chalkboard
That shear pain wasn’t created physically
It was all about the words that was said aloud to me

2 years of pain,
2 years of heartbreak,
2 years of ******* healing.
I still cry when I tell our story, it’s not because I miss you, no.
It’s because once I start hitting the end of our story, I feel alone again
Knowing that you care about me, makes my heart ache, actually no not ache more like break.
If you cared, you wouldn’t have messaged me...but you did and I don’t know how to react.
It’s just funny that you decided to apologize this year...why this year? Why now?
Like I appreciate the apology but sadly I don’t forgive you.
I will never forgive you for the main reason of putting me in the worst spot by making me believe that we both felt the same for several months.
Having that reality check has put me in a bad state of mind.
But hey, look at that it’s 2 years later and I am still healing from the line
“I didn’t love you for 5 months now.”
Thanks for the 2 years of silence
Thanks for reminding me of one my worst moments