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Lexi Snow Jun 2023
You watch time pass by
Seeing your friends getting married, having kids, and owning homes
While you sit in your childhood room cheering them on
As you envy them because you want to be there.

You look around at your childhood room trying to make it feel more you
All you are doing is avoiding the issue at
But you're scared
Scared of stepping out into the world.

You try changing your style from the emo phase to the boho kings/queens
Spending all your money to see what calls your name the most
Questioning everything you wear
You cry looking at the little white dress you're wearing
Wishing it was the dress that was saying the words 'I Do.'

Hoping that the feeling of insecurities leave your body
It doesn't
Not until you are ready to step out into the world
Until then you cry while you wear a little white dress.
Lexi Snow Dec 2021
Have you ever wished that your life was different?
Wished you didn’t have the past that haunts you daily,
The disappointment in your parents’ eyes,
Longing to fit in but knowing it will never happen.

“Make a wish” they say every year on your birthday,
You wish for the same thing every time
To be acknowledged for your achievements.

How many hoops do you have to jump through?
10? 20? 50?
What happens when there are no more hoops?
Then what?

Nothing but a wish.
I was crying writing this.
Lexi Snow Nov 2020
As December rolls around the corner
seeing everyone slowly putting up their decorations.
She can almost tell that...
that this year's holidays are going to hurt more.
She wishes that she could feel some holiday joy,
but instead
she feels pain and agony.
She wishes she was in hiding during the time of the holidays.
Alas she can't.
She has to deal with the nonstop arguing of who is getting her for what days,
the what are you getting her? No, we're getting her that!
and the worst one possible, bet you wish you were with your other parent?
Said to say,
Not everyone likes the holidays.
Don't assume that everyone has an easy life,
some people just want peace and quiet during this time
because she is dealing with the depression and pain.
It doesn't mean she won't be happy for everyone else...
but on the inside, she is crying and wishing to be in bed.
Crying to know that her childhood turned a child's favorite holiday into a yell off.
She just needs the holidays to be over to go on with her own life again.
Don't forget to be nice to everyone, not everyone's life is sunshine and rainbows
Lexi Snow Jul 2020
Please stop saying you’re the best father in the world,
because you’re not.

You’ll be another girl’s first father daughter dance.
I love knowing someone else could be your daughter.
But hey,
it’s okay because I can just watch from the sidelines.
It’s fine,
I’ll cry from the pain of not understanding on,
what I did wrong to lose you?
To find out that it wasn’t my fault,
yet you choose someone else’s daughter before your own.

That’s okay. I’m not mad.
I’m confused on what to do next,
like do you think I will invite you to big events in my life?
Do you think I will tell my partner to ask for your blessing?
Do you think you will walk me down the aisle?
To answer all those questions with one word.
No.
No, you won’t be there,
you don’t get to come and go when YOU please.
That’s not how this works anymore.

It’s my turn to say the truth,
you’re not around in any way.
Communicating takes two,
I shouldn’t be the one to start everything;
I shouldn’t be able to remember all the bad moments under your roof.
I shouldn’t feel like were a horrible father to me,
but guess what?
I do.

Can you be able to explain why I cry when I think of you?
No? Because neither can I?
I make friends with people that act more fatherly than you,
why do I have to find replacement fathers?
I shouldn’t have to.
Whenever someone talks about their father,
I just want to scream because I have nothing good to say about you.
I’m sorry, I know it hurts but look at my side of this.
I’ve been fighting with the idea that I can have you in my life.
During this time, my answer became as clear as water.

Say goodbye to your daughter,
because she isn’t coming back.
Bye Father.
Talking with my friends, we all had a trend within our lives.
Lexi Snow Jun 2020
Waking up to want to sleep again,
sleep away the pain that was given to you.
You wish for the pain to go away.
You want it to leave, but instead
it gets worse.
No amount of crying will help,
at this point, you are trying to move on.
Move on from the pain,
the anger that has been festering within you.
You just lay in bed, staring at your ceiling
feeling like you can’t win, well guess what?
You will win and prevail
past this pain and anger.
You have to be able to move on.
During quarantine, some issues were brought into the light.  Now I am learning how to be stronger for myself.
Lexi Snow Feb 2020
Congratulation,
You finally found that one person
that was meant to be with you,
but in the process you had to push me away.
Now we have to deal with the fact, that
you are okay with abandoning family,
you created neglectful problems between you and I.
Yet you expect me to be okay with it all,
that is something that would never happen.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry,
that I couldn’t be a part of your success,
but I am still looking for my person,
still looking for my success. Believe me when I say,
I will be fine without you in my life,
since you have abandoned me countless times.
Sad to believe that I am used to the abandonment.
I will say this now, I will miss you
and I do hope that your success gets better,
but I can’t be there when you get that success.
Knowing that I am okay with you walking away
makes me terrified,
you were supposed to protect me,
to keep me safe.
Instead all you did was make me feel like everything was
my fault -
so I apologize to you
for leaving you behind in my way of life.
I hope someday you can understand why I chose to leave.
I wrote this for my college class and I ended up writing this and it was just a lot of pain.
Lexi Snow Dec 2019
This is what it feels like it
To lose yourself
Especially in poor timing
Now I never intended to lose myself
But things happened
Events occurred
Here I am now
What do you know
I'm stuck fighting a war within me
Reminding myself that I need to eat and sleep
Finding a million and one reasons to get out of bed
Trying to give a reason to have a genuine smile
It's tiring
It's draining
Worst of all...is that I don't even care
Currently I am watching from the sidelines
While my team is getting crushed
But coach won't let me play
So here I am now
Wondering what's my next plan
That's just it...
I don't have one
Usually do...but this time I don't
Recently I have been going through a rough time and I decided to write it out.
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