It was a sunny day that I saw you
Sun glistened off the tears that pooled in the corners of my eyes.
Your beauty brought this on.
A being of such want
Challenges the sun itself

And I know those amber eyes with the gold flecks are holding the real sun at bay.
A mind as bright as the beauty that wraps around.

Entwine our minds with the feel of skin.
Your appearance terrifies me with an overworked heart
And your mind challenges me in a way that I am not smart enough to say.
Maybe one day.

A man who has wronged another
This same man, loses his brother
This wrong came before the loss
Was this the cause?

A regretted breach of privacy
Robbed the pride from me
Robbed the friends from me
Since then, no happiness.

I apologize for what I have done
But even if it wasn't the cause
I just want my friend back.
My brother back.

I have this constant dream in which I am asking everyone in my life to punch me in the face
I know I can take the pain
But it’s the idea of being hurt that always brings supporters
Punching myself in the face does not achieve the same thing.
If you feel that I did you wrong, punch me in the face.
I know I can take a beating more than I can take myself.

My body is repairable, at least to a certain extent.
But the hits of those i have wronged are not repairable, that is why they are hitting me
I don’t want to **** myself, I just want pain
Just to feel what, I have made others feel.
Understanding is everything.

But physical pain also blocks the emotion
Punch me in the face
So I don't have to deal with what I did
Hurt me, the way I feel I hurt you.
Please,
Someone do it, or I will do it myself.

There becomes a time when you realize that your poetry is better than your fiction
The deaths in your life, sap your creativity.
With all dead friends, what can blossom?
Bad decisions and body parts
Like the flesh from a tree, positivity follows suit
But the arms of which carry you are wrecked
Because they are the arms of the grieved
The beautiful, belligerent, alcohol tolerant lives that you have left behind
There are your friends, that die like a hard rain.
But they are just as refreshing and reflect just as much sunlight.
But they die just the same
Suns die, stars burn out
Just as you realize that the hoped for importance of your writing was never as important as your friend

Blue and black
Mixed with red and tin
The pen always rips through tear soaked paper
Tears always bring tin
Tin always brings tears

For every time that you died
I've killed my liver ten fold
I know and hope I was your best friend
But anxiety and depression have nothing but questions
But I know I was almost your last call

That last call is entirely burden and curse
Any positivity is pushed down by desired silence
I'm sorry I did not answer
But am I sorry to you or your family?
I am sorry to myself

Ghosts are not real, I haunt myself
The phone I did not answer, haunts me
The grief of the world, or maybe
Just the coppery taste of blood in my beer, haunts me.
I write, drink, and act in your memory because you are forever my friend.

I wrote previously about the electronic implications on the written word
But the smoothness of this pen upon paper has made me neutral on the subject
It's insanely intoxicating when your words flow onto the paper just as they do from your mind
Uninterrupted
But, death has a way of bringing you back to reality
A birthday, In which the birth boy has passed
Twenty four red balloons, caressed gently by the wind as they are carried beautifully skyward.
Red of passion
Red of love
Because twenty four is infinite
Also is the love and the friends you left behind
But we love you,
I love you
And we will forever follow you
Upon these rising currents
Like those twenty four red balloons.

It's amazing how much living you can miss out on with a simple polite refusal.
In an instant you must jump off the carousel
Landing among the infinite paths that intersect into oblivion
That instant you jump can feel like a lifetime, but do not weigh it as such
To dwell on a single leap is to miss the opportunity still ahead.

Just jump with confidence
Confidence instilled by knowing that wherever you may land,
happiness or not, you are always one chance, one jump away from that happiness.

The carousel is spinning to fast to jump back on.
So never regret the jump you made, for it is gone.
Spinning into oblivion with the jumps not taken.
And there is no way of getting it back,
But why would you want it.
Next jump, Happiness.

There is nothing extraordinary here
A city built on the river, with it's outskirts burning.
Anger and salary mimic personality

Creativity seeks happiness and inspiration
Those imbued with creative wealth, leave and search.
Those without, settle and gripe.

West I will wander, In search of inspiration.
Basking in knowledge,
Will result in happiness.

My life as of last has been and eye opening, head first dive of exploration interrupted by one, sometimes two day long binges of unpleasant sobriety.

Three long years after writing the first stanza,
The drugs still being explored
This has led me to a more beautiful understanding of myself and my few remaining friends
However it seems that I have taken a significant tumble down the socioeconomic ladder
At least my writing has gotten neater
No longer shaken by the withdrawal of a still desired drug

Alcohol has a way of calming and inspiring me
Bringing forth the thoughts I cannot make into sound
My few remaining friends cut down into a seemingly impossible smaller number
I now awake in the night with cold sweats that interrupt my slumber.

Dreams of panic and anxiety, Now clouded with past faces.
Personifications of things inside me
Faces made of thoughts and feelings, Taking over occupied spaces
Forcing out the beautiful and imaginative
Subconscious taking charge, So the conscious may live.

A real battle of Good and evil occurs anytime a game of chess is played.
Equal pieces, equal spaces.
Differing only in color for a purely aesthetic reason
Because battling forces that are aestheticly similar would be lost on the savagely competitive
So a simple white and brown is implemented
But a simple blink of the eyes can make you realize
Same pieces, same moves just mirrored,
One color does get to always go first, but this had to happen either way, and if you feel bad about going second, just think that you got more time to think about your move, and also to just call the white pieces first next time,  if that kind of a thing matters to you.

The chess pieces themselves have no ability to win the game, they are tools for you to use based on your strategy.
The same goes for good and evil
They have no solidified definitions

A good decision to you, could ruin another's life.
Like chess you must think deeply about your decisions and why you're making them.
If someone told you, the way to play chess was to always flick your piece in the direction you wanted it to go and just have faith it would go to the spot it needed.
Then I would hope you would be open minded to other strategies to find the one that works best for you.

People might argue that there are definitive good and evil decisions in life, but that could be based on the fact we are all humans and you would assume that one humans decision on something is made because it would be beneficial in some way to them, so it is possible to be beneficial to you too.
So similar things are desired by humans, but that doesn't mean they are definitive.
 
So just know and always study your chessboard of life so you're always playing to the best of your ability.
But also remember that chess does have rules, life does not.
So do your own thing
Chess just fit my earlier comparison of this or that and the freedom of choice that lies within.

I wake up in cold sweats more than I wake up
Dreams of flying and floating have turned to
Finding and fear
Bodies of new and friends forgotten
My skin may bear what once was there
But forget not I will, the friends of young thrill

You still haunt and frequent my dreams
Tearing apart my sanity at all of its seams
Happy and somber, I remember it all
Liquor brings it out most of all
But it also calms that calls

Whatever liquor makes seem true
I can question without fighting
Because liquor is my choice and the
Lack thereof makes others king

Cracks run deep and cracks run long
Damaging a wall, once thought strong
Weakened by words, squandered by force
Decisions made, followed by deep remorse

This damaged wall is a woman broken
Caused by fists and words unspoken
Flesh replaces plaster
This being, destroyed by her master
Herself
An unfit leader.

The cold bites bitterly at my face
Figures, the night I decide to go for a walk
This unseasonably warm winter turns to mace
Liquor warms but ultimately steals

The breath turns to ice on my face
The ice has a way of boiling my emotions
Bringing them to the surface
Until they're all out of space

The liquor causes flushing
Not only in the cheeks
But in the skin and in the the weeks
My skin tells more than I ever could

Time tries but can't tell all
Just like my cheeks the story comes from nothing
But it blossoms nicely
Into a beautiful rendition of the emotions within

I find myself walking the alone now
In the cold and the snow
Not the same routes, but the same destination
Younger years had brothers with me
Twilight walks of care free chaos,
Bonded and made us,  'we'

But women and death have stripped them from me.
I find myself walking alone
In the cold and the snow
Only now it's towards the warmth and laughter
The times of old,
Our memories so bold

I only hope that my future endeavours,
Bring about the same boldness,
The same type of  friendships,
I have such a problem attainting
So I'm no longer walking alone
In the cold and the snow

An island somewhere
The only place with delicacy so rare
Found only by luck, Most would consider me stuck
But I'm living joyously in my delusional haze
No longer counting days
Since I lost ten through twenty
There is happiness in my veins
Believe, I have plenty.
The hunger is perfectly numb
What shall I dine on next
Perhaps a thumb.

I need to calm my nerves
End this feeling
Escape this situation
Light a smoke
Inhale
Exhale
Nerves fail to calm
Hit filter
Feeling better
Calmed nerves
Light a smoke
Inhale
Exhale
Much better
This news was terrible
Cancer is a scary thing.

You've heard the rumour?
It's true
I do sleep with one eye on my heart
Why do i do this?
I have let my heart get stolen
One too many times
And we all know thief's aren't the most careful people 
and wouldn't you know, It's been broken
More than once 
How do i keep an eye on it?
Let's just say
It's easy to watch something that has been
Torn out and stepped on
You are probably wondering
How my heart has survived all these years?
That's easy
You can't **** something
That was never alive.

Growing tired and weary as the day groans on
For these days seem longer due to restless nights

    You, My boy are in need of a pick me up
Appreciated offer but it would be irresponsible
To coax a mind that's already dwindling
I can't afford to lose it all
As a result of your persuasive swindling
So leave me be, petty swindler

But sir! It's my product that'll help you forget her

'Her' is gone and I've made piece with that
So take your bad habits and just leave it at that!

A crooked frame of a picture perfect family
Hangs in the hallway
With the eyes cut out
To imitate the blindness of suburbia
The family dog remains in the frame
To tell the tales of an animal
Caged in a four sided box
And the frame itself is a darkened oak
With each side representing a member
To show the strength of family
And the dark times that cover them all.

We live In a land where the people romance the reality
Instead of embracing and facing the realism  
In attempts to make it better for these little boys and girls  
Not realizing they are implanting pessimism
Causing their minds to be closed with frailty
And the creativity within that should spark and swirl
Instead lies dormant, Suppressed and concealed.
Leading to people who know nothing and have faith
That they know everything.

I sit and reminisce and take a drink for the old days
I'm thankful for my boys who've been here since the music played
Let the drinks crash down throughout our wild nights
We broke laws, Kissed girls and got in fights
We got through everything, Death and Plights
We help each other forget, and move on
Like that cut on your lip, From last weekends trip.
I toast to those nights and friends alike.
For they never slow down or end.

A scratch in a casket is not something you would expect.
With the meaning attached, you think someone would have checked
But with you I expected nothing else.
A public flaw presented beautifully.
You did just the same.
Wore your flaws beautiful and proud
But some remained hidden
These were flaws of the spirit
Flaws you didn't show
Flaws we didn't know
If you only showed like the casket
A scratch we could have prevented
Or maybe we should have just asked
And your casket wouldn't be cemented.

It’s hitting me harder now than ever
Writing simple, pretty words
Made it realer than ever
Did you smile through the pain
Just to make it bearable for everyone else

I know you lost a best friend once
But is it fair to cost many one as well?
I know you weren’t one to think ahead
But people loved you
It may not have like that to you
But you could have put the stress on us
Instead of the rope

Everyone you made smile
Which was everyone
Loved you
You never judged anything we did
It made you special, you avoided dread from everyone
You made me the lover, avoiding fights
That I am now
But even now, I have to deal with you,
The lover of the light
Dying
And this is really something, no one is attributed too.

I want you to go to sleep with a smile
Thinking you at least got what you wanted
It makes my life unbearable
But my decisions never controlled you
A breeze that blows freely
Amongst the trees
Because of you, I will model my life accordingly
Free from all,
Never stopping
I'll just restart from the power you've given me
Move on, and bring any smiles to the friends I can, even if my power starts dropping.

Is your life an epicentre for death when two of your best friends, mother and brother, are dead before you can grow a beard.
What if you add the mothers of two more best friends, followed by your own grandmother?

It's the thoughts like these that lead to the bottle or the nearest crutch.
What if the crutch you seek was the cause of half those tragedies?
Should you look elsewhere even if it holds you up?

You were always happier than me, but maybe you had help.
Maybe this help numbed instead of soothed.
And maybe I shouldn't have been sleeping when you needed to talk.
But maybe now the crutch that let you fall is the only thing helping me walk.

I can't sleep
who am i kidding? I never can
Sure my body get's 
Twelve hours a day
but me? no sleep for me
My mind that is
I don’t even dream anymore
I just think
My mind is growing weak
No sleep
Catches up with you
I'm losing my edge
but nothing i can do about it
Another twelve hours of this
I need a hobby

On a new conquest, I embark
Travel light
I found the temple in the dark
Wet, yet warm
Beautiful stems
Curl around my arm
Deeper I go
The water does flow
I feel it in the walls
I hear all of your calls
Carrying on, through the dark damp walls
I found the spot, The spot that has eluded all
A trophy in the form of a waterfall
Cascades over me.

Tell me all of your memories as we drive through them.
This town on the river is as vast as an ocean, remember it all.
Basking in the flood of your emotions makes me drift closer to you on a cellular level.
Drift until merge.
Until our veins warm with the blood of desire
Until we're ubiquitous within each other.
Mind and body.
As long I can find you I always know where I am.

There was a funeral procession today
Did you see it?
I didn't get too
I bet it was beautiful
Lot's of black?
I've always liked black
How many cars were in it?
10? 20?
30?!
I would have given anything to see it
I wish i wasn't cooped up in this box
I miss everything

Reality doesn't seem real to me
A mundane reality laughs mockingly
Towards me, Knowing I cannot escape
But I will fight on, My future is mine
And, I am the master of my fate
For reality not seeming real
Only mean's I am living my dreams.

Thirty day's, I'll be free
In thirty days completely
Leaving the beautiful but familiar
The only anchor I had
The scenery and family.

Thirty day's till I can start new
Be who I am, Finally true.
This city and these people
A creativity sapping flu
Thirty more days
Until I can be true.

Now,
New belongings
New beginnings
New friends
New surroundings.

The Canvas Skin strikes again
With a breakdown of mental boundaries
My mind has never stretched so far
Or expanded to such an extent
That the former impossible
Is now within such short grasp
And the idea that was harboured within
Is now beautiful ink
Underneath skin.

It haunt's me every night 
That Immature primal urge
Ruined my night and for some time, My sight
Unbeknown to all
This broke down my sanity wall. 
 
Now different as a whole , a poorly lit soul
innocence will quickly drain
Prior excitement seems mundane
You stole the light from my world
I am a monster, I am him
And now, You'll fear the grim