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2.7k · Sep 2016
Attention!!
Crimsyy Sep 2016
Dear Readers,

Tomorrow  (10th of September 2016) is a day called Suicide Awareness Day.  And I believe it is nothing to be ashamed about. Every 40 seconds, someone is dying because another person did not speak up. This needs to stop.

There are truly beautiful souls out there that are suffering and battling with their thoughts and minds EVERY SINGLE DAY.  And I'm not putting it light. I mean EVERY SINGLE WAKING MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY.The stigma that revolves around suicide , depression and mental health in general needs to permanently dissolve.

It is PERFECTLY OKAY(to talk about your mental illness and/or your struggles...it is not at all healthy to keep heavy struggles within yourself. There are people out there that truly care and that truly want to help...and I know that seems like a lie when you are in a very dark place and that is EXACTLYwhy people need to start speaking about depression and suicide almost as if you are talking about having a cup of coffee. "I'm having a cup of coffee" can be said easily and without any fear, and that is how people who are suffering from ANY MENTAL ILLNESSESshould be made to feel.

We deserve to feel SAFE, SUPPORTED,  LOVED , APPRECIATED , UNDERSTOOD. We do not deserve to feel *MISUNDERSTOOD, UNAPPRECIATED. * And we do not deserve to be looked at or treated as parasites. People with mental illnesses have emotions too, and perhaps too many. People with mental illnesses deserve extra understanding, care and love.

So please, do not be afraid to speak up. Speak to your loved ones; a simple
"Are you okay? I just want you to know I love you and appreciate you" could save someone's life.

- Crimsyy♡

#health #wellbeing #mind #suicideawareness #awareness

Ps: **Please repost this if you agree and to show support to those suffering from depression. I promise it won't ruin your profile. Thankyou so much.
Crimsyy Oct 2016
If I were a solivagant star in space,
I'd link arms with the universe
and have her tell me that
all this pain was worth it,
that something golden would
blossom from it,
maybe then I'd be more focused
on planting seeds instead of
always drowning in the weeds
of my blackened psyche.

I'd burn, explode,
spontaneously combust,
and no one would tell me
that to confirm was all I
had to aspire to,
no one would be around
to make me feel like
too much of a burden,
as if I feel too much too quickly,
too warm, too much, too fiercely.

If I were truly solivagant,
I'd have no reason to cry
when asked "How are you?"
I would not avoid the
ever familiar question
"How was your day?"

Wanderlust would consume me
and I'd search for hidden gold,
space would not cheat me,
would not let me crumble and fold.

My tears would be of use,
they'd fall on clouds as messengers
to rain upon the seeds on earth,
to give life to the breathing dead.

I think I'd love to be
a solivagant star in space,
no magic tricks would be needed,
no quizzes to tell me
that I belong in this place.
1.6k · Aug 2016
Internal Bleeding
Crimsyy Aug 2016
I am living, fighting,
some even say I am surviving,
but inside I'm dying,
inside it smells of death.

Where are my flowers?
Thorns now burst,
I've lost count of the hours
spent crying, wishing for death
and being teased endlessly by it,
only to be told death
had no room for me.

I've thought about scissors
in non-artistic ways,
I've discovered that paper is
not the only thing you can cut,
I've tried teaching my lungs to breathe
Father, they give up on me
and every breath stings,
But you specialize in rebirth,
so hand me a pair of new wings.

I'm tired of fighting,
I'm tired of this war,
I'm tired of wondering what
I am here for,
I'm tired of existing this way,
I'm tired of these chains
I wear everyday.

If I am a free temple,
then why do I feel encaged?
Encaged in my own mind
where light you won't find,
locked behind bars,
wishing on stars,
begging scars to disappear,
hoping nobody witnesses my tears.
1.6k · Sep 2016
Push Away
Crimsyy Sep 2016
If this is your way
of subtly pushing me away,
You will brutally learn
that loyalty has a limit
and I won't stay.*


Some people need to learn
*when to stop pushing my buttons.
1.5k · Oct 2016
Graffiti
Crimsyy Oct 2016
I am your jungle;
You slither all over me,
climbing my trees,
suffocating my roots.

You've taught me
walking graffiti is
not welcome here,
So I do not know
why you keep me near;
I defy all your rules.

Let me be street art
for everyone to admire,
but let no one walk me;
I am a dead end.

I will capsize you,
I will exhaust every
molecule of yours
until you miss the excuse
of a heart once residing
in your bones,

And you will know how it feels
when your hands still
clutch at empty air
because I will not be there.

- Crimsyy
1.5k · Sep 2016
A Choice and An Option
Crimsyy Sep 2016
I want to breathe next to you,
that is all.
But you treat me like an option,
I'll have to leave you,
though you were always
*my first choice.
1.4k · Sep 2016
Who Am I To You?
Crimsyy Sep 2016
I can't comprehend
why you'd want to hide,
today there's no kiss,
no holding hands,
just a regular goodbye.
So who am I to you?
I won't sink down for you..
Going to stay alive,
won't blame myself,
won't paint myself blue.
1.3k · Aug 2016
An Introvert's Needs
Crimsyy Aug 2016
I hate it here,
where chaos is too much,
much too present,
I want to disappear,
behind curtains of hair
or anything else to
hide my descend,
there is something that
needs to be understood;
I don't deal well with
too-much-ness,
Anxiety has its own smell,
it resides in the comfort of my hood,
and, when they look at me
as if their eyes can undress,
I slip a false smile on my lips,
while my soul's opposition begs to yell.
1.2k · Sep 2016
10 Words to say "I Love You"
1.2k · Oct 2016
Existence
Crimsyy Oct 2016
Today,
I just want to exist
without the burden of
a million things plummeting
on my shoulders...
I think life has driven
existence to an airport,
I think it told existence
to fly away,
and now life for living organisms
tastes like decay
and airplanes feel like
a death sentence;
not even up above the clouds
can you find peace;
gunfire and chemicals will still
find you even when you are
10 thousand feet in the air...
Today, I just want to exist
without the burden of fighting
for my own survival
but how could we possibly think
that a ceiling alone could protect us?


- Crimsyy
1.1k · Oct 2016
Afterlife
Crimsyy Oct 2016
You could say it's
all in my head,
it doesn't exist,
just a result of
a hope that persists
but,

There's got to be
something better than this..
Were humans and the world
just dropped and born
out of nowhere,
just to be dumped in eternal misery?
And if angels exist, where
do you think they live?
Not in the air or else
we'd be breathing them in constantly.

The afterlife exists
even for disbelievers,
Some call it Heaven,
some call it Hell...
What will it be?
Only dying will tell.
1.0k · Oct 2016
Claustrophobia
Crimsyy Oct 2016
I do not like the feeling of
examination,
of eyes burning on my back
as if you are a small match
and I am the bushfire
you wish to light...
I do not like the feeling of
obssessive observation,
I do not like privacy violation,
I do not like the feeling of claustrophobia,
I do not like claustrophobia because
it doesn't cease to exist by simply
removing ten people from one room.
I do not like claustrophobia because
sometimes your own mind is enough
to provoke a certain type
of wanderlust,
the kind where you run away
and leave everyone to rot and rust.
I do not like claustrophobia
because when I am alone,
it can never be enough alone,
it feels like the walls of my room
are breathing on my neck;
they're laughing at me,
declaring this poet insane,
it is the most crowded type of alone
until somebody, something
sedates my brain
and you call me "suggestive anxiety"
it's all in your head,
you're a game of chance
and I'm taking a guess;
you know my face but
you know nothing about my name.
1.0k · Nov 2016
Never Meant
Crimsyy Nov 2016
There is this gap
in my ideal vision of us,
there is something missing;
must be you and your heart,
there is something else missing;
must be the lack of contrast
between your light and your dark,
and I'm not sorry to
have dug this gaping hole
to break what might've been whole;
I was never meant to be yours.
963 · Oct 2016
Dragonfly
Crimsyy Oct 2016
Did you drop into existence,
light as a feather,
or did you make the world implode
with your erupting presence?
300 million years ago,
animal but human,
human and needy,
riding on backs of giants
to travel to farwaway places,
and then soaring...

Extracting anger and desperation,
tying yourself tight to an image of hope,
to an image of transformation,
so we humans can only desire
to be worthy of your donation...

Nothing flusters you,
and even though your wings
are both blue,
there is nothing sad about you.

You tuck away the empty chasms
of a soul made to feel too old,
made to feel that it should not
aspire to be the sun,
but merely its shadow...
and you paint their
switched off, tired eyes
with ineffable hues of strength.

Dragonfly, you show me
that through your years,
you've cried and you
fought your battles and
some old parts of you died...
and you showed me that
rebirth and imperfection
aren't missing but whole,
that mess isn't haunted
or unwanted but needed
for exploration...

If every particle of ours,  every chemical
that went into a single thought
could be stored away in its designed,
picturesque room,
how could we claim to be mysteries?

Dragonfly, now it's my turn
to give away my pieces of decay,
let them burn.
You are expectedly lingering at my window,
you've always been,
and I'll no longer keep you waiting.
939 · Aug 2016
Situationship
Crimsyy Aug 2016
It hurts to stay,
but it hurts to leave,
and on paper,
the words find me,
the words that maybe
could put a name to
whatever we are,
because it is not "just friends"

We poke each other
too much to be "just friends",
your bag held my jacket
too long to be "just friends",
your hands stroked my hair
two times more than "just friends"

And whenever you say
"It's okay,"
my mind listens
because at that moment
when a wish and love
are in a perfect paste,
my mind feels okay...

So tell me why now,
whenever I speak your name,
my tongue burns,
oh tell me
when will you learn
that people are not games,
that if you keep pressing
the reset button,
a person might just vanish away...

You make me feel
like the most beautiful flower,
because it's always me
you pluck from the dirt,
it's always you that
trims away all my hurt...

But in your hands, I die
I've died a million times,
And I can't find
a drop of you in this ocean,
am I swimming on my own?
We're both sailors at sea,
but you're steering
this ship terribly,
I do not ship the
situation we're in,

How can love be fun,
when we're both conflicted,
our words restricted,
over-addicted to overthinking,
overtwisting every little thing,
until I am not sure
if I love you,
and you're not sure
if you want me...

But take it easy,
it's not like I'm in despair,
break me;
force a scalpel into my heart,
there's nothing of my own
that I haven't repaired,

I'm caught between
wanting to strip you
of your breath, and
wanting to keep you alive,
even if it'd result in my death.
I am no longer in this "situation" XD
934 · Oct 2016
Too Young To Die
Crimsyy Oct 2016
I don't want to write poetry.
I want to rip apart my brain
and feed it to my thoughts of decay.
I do not want to think of you,
because it is evidently clear
that you cannot be a constant,
So I shall extract you
(and all the thoughts, words,
and phrases too)
from my mind.
You may not enter this home,
I locked you out long ago.
Your little petty games
did you no favours,
tied tight to immaturity,
it looked too much like
not committed,
so I sent it all away from me.
In this case, not knowing no grey
is an advantage,
I would rather not choose to
sedate my appetite with your
little crumbs of "love"
(good morning, how are you?
every birthday).
It may take years but I won't forget
that I am not in the business
of decomposing yet.
932 · Aug 2016
We ALL Puke Smiles
Crimsyy Aug 2016
We all have our secret hideaways, we all have our cures, and our bandage solutions, and we all have addictions.

You will eat to fill the hollow kindly provided by someone who's left you lying in bed at night, wondering why you weren't good enough, or maybe even just enough, to make them stay.

We all carry earbuds...more like soulbuds. Hello music, goodbye world, goodbye sorrow. We all break down, no matter how hard we hide it, no matter how well we can disguise it...eyes can't lie, but they sure can act.

And we all try to bandage our wounds, though we're the worst doctors. I puke smiles, you puke smiles, we ALL puke smiles...

but no one's meant them for a while.
925 · Mar 2017
Selfish
Crimsyy Mar 2017
I'm selfish because i care
And what's mine is not to be shared
I'll envelop you in a love so rare
I'll colour outside the lines
just to make sure you'll always
remain only mine.

I'm selfish
so love me or despise me
Either way, you'll think about me
And i don't think you'll
ever be able to comprehend
my possessive tendencies;

tell me, despite my irritable ways
can you make out the meaning
of an I-I- I love you?



**A/N: Thankyou for reading! Even flaws and "irritable ways" can have a good meaning behind them. Please comment what you think of this one ^.^
906 · Nov 2016
The Fallacy of Love
Crimsyy Nov 2016
If love is a fallacy,
and if my heart had
stopped believing,
why did I believe you
when you finally uttered
"I love you"?
Maybe I just never
stopped wishing on
every star I noticed
among the clouds
of my night sky,
maybe because
I never gave up on you.
892 · Oct 2016
Starve the Stutter
Crimsyy Oct 2016
I want to break free of your hold
but then I feel you sedate me.
You watch as my heart stutters and folds,
I feel you overtake me.

I fear they will not know what this means,
they'll keep me under their sockets,
barely worth trespassing into their dreams,
I'll learn to keep you in a locket.

I fear falling quiet;
have the years not taught me?
I fear your bipolar climate;
one day you'll strangle me,
I'll stutter through your riot
and starve you with the waves of the sea.
878 · Sep 2016
Alembic
Crimsyy Sep 2016
I was drowning,
I was drowning,
but saved by thoughts of you,

Arms wrapped tight
arms with your mark,
with the bruise where your arms
lingered to hug away my wounds,

And I notice
how you keep me together
when seasons don't
match the weather;
it's spring and yet I
don't know what blooms in me.

I'll think twice
before i sacrifice my breath,
you've taught me flowers
can bloom out of the nicotine
in my lungs, infact;
the darkness can even be **the soil.
Alembic:
anything that transforms,
cleanses or purifies.
Crimsyy Sep 2016
I want to explode
like the light of a thousand suns,
and I want you to be brave enough
to risk going blind and look at me.

See the love I've kept for you,
Broken boy meets broken girl
and you'd think you'd know
how that would go,

But broken boy lies to broken girl
and a life ends in this world.

**"Love" can ****.
846 · Feb 2017
Quadrāgintā Quīnquē
Crimsyy Feb 2017
Nicotine

All these useless words
I'm using for you
are the bandaids
that soothe my wounds
when you aren't there
to make me feel as if
my breath will never cease to be
and my heart will never wish
to cease its beat beat beat.

Lately, I've taken the form of
anticipation,
but you know I'm
not very patient,
and my anticipation is
in need of liberation.
Darling, when we meet again,
I will lose it all,
forget my sanity;
I will *smother

smother smother
you in love.

- Crimsyy

**A/N: Thankyou for reading!  Please leave a comment of what you think about this poem...your comments mean a lot to me ^.^ Also, for this poem, I left some punctuation out on purpose.
838 · Oct 2016
Selfish Ambition
Crimsyy Oct 2016
No I don't care
if I'm being selfish here,
but I need you to
stick by me.
No, I don't mean to steal your time
but from now on,
all your time is mine,
all your strength is mine.
I've dug a hole, just for you,
It's up to you to refill it
either with dirt, myself
or all the scars that once hurt.
Love,
Anti.
821 · Sep 2016
Homeless
Crimsyy Sep 2016
I've always loved the idea
that home is not made
of bricks and cement,
of all things mathematical,
but rather, of skin and bones
and all things sentimental;
So why are so many of us homeless?
Why aren't our faces lighting up?
Why are we curling up
on single beds,
Pondering how we're
not enough?
Crimsyy Sep 2016
A cigarette that promises
to satisfy but turns to ash,

A nicotine addiction that
promises to be harmless
but inflicts damage,

Lungs that promise to help you breathe
but leave you gasping for air,

An "I'll always be here" that
"is never there"

A gardener that never waters his rose,
and so the rose dies without proper care.
795 · Jan 2017
Vīgintī Duo
Crimsyy Jan 2017
Phenols*

Your heart was always empty
and I was full of self sacrifice,
so I tried to give your heart substance
with all my deepest love.

I poured and poured,
with pain I wrestled
before realizing I was pouring
myself into a stubbornly empty vessel.

You could have just told me
you didn't want any part of me
and not left it too late,
with pieces of me floating about
in a heartless man.
776 · Nov 2016
What I Meant
Crimsyy Nov 2016
What I Meant:

cue tumblr poem prompt

What I meant
the last time I said
"I love you":
  

You are destroying me
but I'm letting you,
You are a fire and
your arms around me
make my thoughts scream

This is not
just an impulse
not just a match
I'm lighting up,
This type of love
will never burn out
no matter how
many times
our lips will be
coated in ash.

I would rather decompose
than leave you,
so cover me
in a veil of your flames.

- Crimsyy
773 · Sep 2016
That Heart
Crimsyy Sep 2016
That hammering heart..
I could go on and on about it.
I could say how I knew
the meaning of the word
"alive" in that instant.
I could say that I've never
felt safer than when I was
nestled in your arms.
I could say that for once,
I knew I was not going to faint
by thinking of what that heart pumped.
I could say that your heart pumped
your purpose but now it has made
room for two and it pumps my purpose too.
And I could say that the sound of your
heart running laps in your chest
is still ricocheting in my ears
and it will reside there to remind me,
to give me a valid reason to stay
when I'm on edge and want to
disappear.
Little things mean a lot.
768 · Nov 2016
On The Verge Of 17
Crimsyy Nov 2016
I don't know who
the next me will be,
what skin she'll be wearing,
whether she will learn to surf the waves
and not just dip her feet in them.

Will this be the year
she finally looks anxiety in
the eye and says
"You will not stop me?"
Will it be the year she finally
looks suicide in the eye and says
"You will not take me?"

My youth and her youth is slipping away
behind signatures and steering wheels,
behind money and percentages,
but these don't define her or me...

If she'll believe in herself,
throw herself into life's ride
and breathe, then she will be okay,
but if she is the harshest critic,
the most high of all perfectionists,
she might struggle.

I want to tell her that breathing
is the most beautiful thing she could
specialize in during her beautiful existence,
I want to tell her to not be terrified of the night,
and whatever lurks behind her eyelids,
It's just a dream girl, nothing more.

I want to tell her imperfection is beautiful,
I want to tell her to commit so
her life can be wonderful,
I want to tell her she wasn't raised
to howl over anyone,
I want to tell her: let them love you,
and let them leave you,
Let them hold you but
don't ever let them break you.
762 · Jan 2017
Trīgintā Septem
Crimsyy Jan 2017
Toluene*

If I decide to unpack all
my belongings in your arms,
would you let me stay?
Would you still be as mesmeric
as you were when you believed
people were temporary?
Would you let me live
inside your skin?
Because I can't tell where
rapture ends and abstinence begins.
754 · Jan 2017
Trīgintā Quattuor
Crimsyy Jan 2017
Nicotine*

I have seen rapture come
in the shape of the person I love,
in his arms,
in his mischievous eyes,
but rapture is only ecstasy
and ecstasy will eventually
fade into habit and
this fictional fairytale won't
seem so sparkling anymore;
glass loses its luster once the
sun goes away
and fragility is all that remains.
It's up to us to dig through
years of pent up baggage and
discover love in each other's rust.
754 · Oct 2016
Butcher Of Minds
Crimsyy Oct 2016
She stands in the kitchen,
while I slice her flesh away,
eroding a parasite, she's
the perfect picture of decay,
I'm birthing something new,
extracting the real me
from my sinews,
I've killed the girl you knew,
It looks like she's
psychopathic like me too.

Love,
Anti.
753 · Oct 2016
THIS is winning
Crimsyy Oct 2016
You'll pick on all my flaws
(Tonight, I felt selfish ambition)
"Fragile", it never meant "weak"
(Anger clouded my vision)
I fight you with shaky hands
and inelastic lungs,
(My mind alone could
cause our collision),

You've chosen my skin,
my skin, my skin as your prey,
but your blades only
reach surface deep,
(Resisting you is my religion)
and contrary to common belief,
I'm not praying for eternal sleep.


- Crimsyy
750 · Oct 2016
Thoughtless Wanderer
Crimsyy Oct 2016
In the middle of nowhere
is where I'd like to be,
clouds for a roof,
enveloped by trees,
driving into infinity
far, far away
from everyone and everything,
fleeing the persecution
of my mind,
here at least I know
my only purpose
is to breathe
and I shall write thoughtless verses
take me somewhere thoughts
cease to be.
747 · Aug 2016
To Converse
Crimsyy Aug 2016
I don't want that sinking feeling,
I don't want to fall apart,
but I'm ready, I guess
for this ride; I've
buckled up my heart.

Mind-cuffed, yet I
thought of you
and your one-sided-ness,
don't you know
for love you need conversation and
conversations work in two?

I will throw you shade
so you can burn,
we won't die from all
their camera-eyes;
I never fell in love with and
in the moment;
I fell inlove in the exact hour
my smile turned sour
because of you.

My blood's gone blue,
and my hair might be wild,
but you're still dealing
with an inexperienced child;

I wasn't told a soul
could become so cold,
you have a beautiful face
but nothing as nice to say,
and I have a mouth that screams
"I love you" in **bold.
732 · Feb 2017
Quadrāgintā Duo
Crimsyy Feb 2017
Nicotine

When I'm with you,
I'm overcome with temptation
to release onto you
all my lamentations,
but I don't want to be
an extra weight on your mind,
I know how hard it is
to lift yourself up sometimes.

Because sometimes you
are the heaviest thing in the world,
and the world doesn't
understand that,
blaming triggers,
applying bandaids to wounds
that'll bleed long after the
bandaid's ripped off.

We're both hemophiliacs
drowning in breathtaking chemicals,
in our bones, fragility seeping,
our skin continuously bleeding.
But you and I
are more than this,
more than a shortage of bliss.
We're the passion felt
through a tender kiss,
We're addictive,
like the magnetic pull
of your lips.

I hope you know
sometimes I have to
force the monster out of me
to escape life's bitter bite,
but she loves you just the same,
and I hope you know that
in her, you summone the light.
And when she's with you,
she's overcome with temptation
to release onto you
all her lamentations,
and everytime,
you feel so safe,
she almost does,
she almost does.

*Thankyou for reading! Please comment your thoughts on this one and your favourite part/line and why it's your favourite. ^.^ Your comments make my days.
730 · Sep 2016
Inbox
Crimsyy Sep 2016
You're all caught up

Archivio
Unwanted
New for old replacement

Appear away, the end of today.
722 · Jan 2017
Duo
Crimsyy Jan 2017
Duo
Tar*

I was never yours
this was never meant to be,
you never truly wanted me,
I was just your plan B,
only good when you needed me.

Remember the lunches I bought?
Remember the fights I fought,
the times my motives were almost caught?
All to please you and keep you by my side,
only to show that friends stick by.

And now that I've stripped you
from all your power,
I face the unbelieving expression
of your hardworking, single mother
And I used to stare at the ground,

Afraid to paint a frown in the city,
but now I'll stare you down,
beg please, with the words you're
wasting on deaf ears,
dress me in graffiti.
721 · Mar 2017
Rage
Crimsyy Mar 2017
In my chest resides a heavy weight,
rage and pain stir as I contemplate
if you're worth the ache
I've been feeling these last few days

I yearn for a taste of you
and yet I just want you to leave
so this pain may cease

And in the heat of my own hate
I can feel myself suffocate
Loving you and leaving you
are just the same,
different phrases
with the same name

But never will you reduce me
to be completely desperate for you
never will I plead on my knees
for the return of
someone who never learns.
My anger you cannot sedate
and when you'll crave my forgiveness
It might just be too late.
711 · Jul 2017
Afterthought
Crimsyy Jul 2017
Your name tastes sour
in my mouth,
I should be breathing you in,
but I want to spit you out,
cause I'm just an afterthought,
an occasional roundabout.

You surround me
but never close enough,
we keep arguing in circles
and I've had too much

Sick of nursing
this brick in my chest,
wonder why I haven't left yet,
sick of feeding
the doubts in my head,
I think you'll be my next regret.

You let snowflakes
fall on my tongue,
am I supposed to
think that's sweet,
when your love is built
on nothing concrete
and you seem to be
a one end street?

You seem to be one for the road,
but you still haunt my sleep
and so while I toss
and turn for you,
your mind is devoid of me.
701 · Mar 2017
Small Town Girl
Crimsyy Mar 2017
I'd like to live in a small town
where no one knows me
deeper than my name.
I'd like to live in a small town,
living in a small house
where the kettle is always boiling
and where I might not be
so life controlling;
a town with no disasters,
an endless museum of skin
so we can watch all the flowers
break through the ice
we've brought in each other
and truly love what's within,
a town where we'd be smiling
from all the lovely things
said from all the lovely people.
And one day soon,
I might just have to roam away
to satisfy my wanderlust
before the hour of my decay.
698 · Nov 2016
Locked in History
Crimsyy Nov 2016
I deleted all the pictures,
if you can't be here,
I don't want you to linger,
suggesting I deserve more
but you don't deem
me important enough,
suggesting love does not know time,
suggesting love does not make time,
I know the way you are
presenting things is a lie.

The stars loved me before
I became aware of your existence,
before you taught me
an invisible way to die,
and so why would I
want to lock our moments in history
when I know life could tear us apart
because you are not
holding onto my heart?

I could hoard memories of you,
paint the sky in constellations
of your bright eyes,
but how would that be fair to me?
Your love is a lukewarm affirmation,
lacking evidence and testimony,
scarce and rare,
barely there,
and now you understand why I cannot
give you my love as a weapon
you can use to destroy me.
682 · Jan 2017
Vīgintī Quattuor
Crimsyy Jan 2017
Hydrogen Cyanide*

I have no idea how it feels
to receive what I deserve from you,
no memory,
only faded dreams.

Seething over what I was denied,
I became ill from your heavy,
searing dose of
hydrogen cyanide,

And life lost its meaning
because I never learned
to pour this love I carry inside
all over myself.
672 · Nov 2016
Pseudo Boy
Crimsyy Nov 2016
I measured my tolerance
and it was gone,
the same way the leaves
that fall off of Autumn trees
never grow back.

I tried feeling a shrivel of love for you
or even sympathy, but nothing came...
Nothing came even when
I'd seen the pros and cons,
nothing came when I slept on it,
nothing came when I ate through it,
nothing but my soul uttering "no more",
and I knew I had to listen.

I was the toy you held
when you wanted to
feel something beautiful,
I was your wind up toy,
now you've had your fun,
playing time's over,
because you're just a pseudo boy,
and I'm not so desperate
to take love artificial.
668 · Apr 2017
Eleven
Crimsyy Apr 2017
When the weight of
a thousand moments
wasted overthinking
makes its home on my skin
and drip, drip, drips
down my cheeks,
I doubt everything.
I doubt ability,
your credibility.
I doubt capacity,
I doubt significance.
I question why
everything I touch
eventually shatters,
and why in my heart,
you still matter.
But maybe it's time
to stop doubting myself,
cause maybe this time,
I could feel good enough.
666 · Jan 2017
My Birthday
Crimsyy Jan 2017
It's my birthday! Turned 17 today ^.^
662 · Sep 2016
A Poet's Curse
Crimsyy Sep 2016
I love too deep;

I love until the sentiment
is a scalpel digging into my veins;
I will love you until the sentiment
will decapitate my brain;
I love you at 3 am and 3 pm,
You are an elavator
and if I travel with you,
maybe the spring will
stop being so bipolar .
661 · Oct 2016
My Criminal Record
Crimsyy Oct 2016
Goes as follows:

Letting stupidity and
unrequited emotions make me cry,
Hating the numbers on the scale,
Hating myself for eating chocolate,
getting too attached too quickly.

I am not in the business of
getting too close,
so I do not know why I mean to say "No"
but what comes out is too much affection.
You. Thinking of you, keeping memories of you, I'll crush you, I'll leave you
with a permanent ****** imprint of blue.

I'll learn to not get too near,
I'll learn to discard of my souvenirs,
I'll learn to give myself
all this wonderful love
I am so capable of giving to you,

But until then,
hand cuff me and
keep me behind the bars of growth.
655 · Nov 2016
Untitled
Crimsyy Nov 2016
"There is a lack of redamancy, you haven't let me open my mouth for at least a month. You had a lot to purge out, I guess. I want to tell you I love you, more than he ever will, I want to tell you I'm a part of you, more than he'll ever be. You are superlunary, I don't compare to you. But please remind yourself, I'm keeping you alive, though I am not God. But in a sense, I'm locking you here on Earth, I reside in your gut, I am the reason you're not giving up. All those plans and checked off to do lists, all those goals and visions...we make them just so we've got multiple anchors to make sure we do not sink. Every substance we use, every material, is a little helper: "you should stay alive because of this." Though my tendency is to hate, I have no hate to spill. Only admiration of how far you have come, of how much you have stripped me of any malice I contained. I came in hungry, ready to devour you, but you tamed my jaw with thorns you've watered for too long, and oh darling, I beg you to stay strong."

- Anti
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