I woke to the new year with a sense of peace. Waving white flags to the battlefields of months left behind. Finding paths back to myself and turning inward to heal and nurture. Drowning my heart in words of appreciation until everything started feeling right. The warmth of the sun has returned to my soul. I have stopped feeling guilty for putting myself first; for choosing my own happiness. I don’t love the world less, I’m just finding more love for myself. As soon as I returned to calmer waters, the game changed. Not because things are now perfect, far from it. But I find myself smiling, more and more, every day, for the smallest perfect moments. Isn’t that what it’s all about, being present in your own life.
They may not have met the right way. After a thousand words shared, they knew they found magic. She came unannounced and
he caught her off guard. His soul greeted hers like a long lost friend. The road of their love may not be paved smooth. Her stubborn heart surrendered to his persistent hand. Whispering promises with a mouthful of forevers. She was not the first person he loved. He was not the first person she kissed. They were not afraid of each other’s scars. They held each other with hope and the warmth of forgiveness.
She knew whether his a storm or the sun or distant. They found their miracle.
All her love had a place to finally call home.
I held on so tight to the string that was attached to the storm cloud of our relationship. Afraid that if I let go I will not see the sunshine that was once us.
I held on to the smiles of happier times and the looks of love. I held onto the effortlessness of our beginning and the passion in our kiss.
The cloud became heavier and heavier and some helped me to hold on, others begged me to forget.
I found my strength in remembering.
Every red flag that I painted white. All the dreams that died when you left. I remember the wasted time spent on forlorn hope of empty promises.
It took me awhile to realize that I was holding on to a mistake because I took so long to make it, blinded by the fantasy of what we could be. I cannot continue watering a dead plant.
I’m ready to let go of every ‘what if’.
I’m ready to let go for me, for a heart that doesn’t lie and a love I can believe in.
I try to find something familiar in the stranger staring back at me. I don’t recognize him. I don’t think he ever cared. Event though he made me believe he did. I don’t think he ever loved me. He loved the reflection of the man he saw in my eyes. Loving only the way I loved him. I made him my sun, I made him the stars in my darkness. I gave him my heart. Looking back now. I don’t think I loved him either. I loved having a man on my side, to please, to cater to. He was so broken and I had someone to fix. I can finally move on knowing there is nothing left worth pursuing, because we never really loved.
I lost so many pieces of myself through loving others. Now that I need some for myself, I have nothing left to give. Poetry is my solace and I try to write what I feel. A blank page stares back at me and I could not have described it any better. I crumble the page, holding onto it tightly. Sincerely hoping someone can translate all the empty spaces.
We screamed to be heard, marched to express our rage. To bleed with our fallen sisters, for I am her, and she is me. We all lived each other’s suffering.
The dust has settled now, quiet returned.
Yet I still can’t breath. I am still not safe.
I cry silently for my country. I no longer connect to her. My love and pride is only filled with disappointment. She has left me sad, and empty and afraid.
My son asked me, “Why do you refer to South Africa as a she?” I look at him dumbstruck, he continues, “Perhaps SHE has always been a HE!”
This realization is hard to swallow.
This... scares me half to death.
Our friendship caught fire
and soon our roots intertwined
We wrapped our arms around each other
Filling the empty spaces once there
We held each other’s hands for years
and from today, for a lifetime more
Ever since your heart laid onto my soul
I knew that you are beautiful
I take you as you are
and will love who you are yet to become
I will choose you again and again
at the start and finish of each day,
each season, each year
I will choose you through our struggles and successes
and all the mountains left to climb
I will love you into oblivion
and we will tremble as we feel it
You are everything I never knew I needed
You are the question
I never knew I wanted answered
The question was love
and your answer was “I Do!”
I will keep you afloat when the tears of your pain threatens to drown you. I will shelter you from the storms of your memories. I am not afraid of your dark. I will wait in the shadows of your heart. I will be the hand you reach for from the depths of despair, banishing the monsters lurking beneath. Let me calm the tornadoes of your doubts and gouge the eyes of those that don’t value you. Don’t fear the future of your dreams. The wounds of life may have cracked you. But I still see you, not the broken and flawed, but the beauty that shines through your imperfections. I am not leaving your side, I am here, for you, always.
You consume my thoughts and shadow my dreams. Each morning I wake with the memory of you. The longing is unbearable, but I choose the pain than the pretension of content. I hold onto the days before you left. Reminiscing about the moments that were as effortless as breathing. To love that weren’t forced, as we were drowning in it from the start. Each passing day the darkness of my loneliness tries to consume me. Its attempts are futile as your light runs wild within me. I will never fall away from the gift of us. Even though you are a thousand miles away, you are always beside me.
I miss you.
My soul felt you immediately
and my heart quickly responded
All I want is to open my eyes
and see you next to me
To feel your warm embrace
I realize now no distance is too far
and closeness is not about proximity
Our connection knows no boundaries
I will wait for you through seasons
and love you across countries
Even if you were planets away
You are still my sun
I can’t breath.
Your holding a pillow over my face,
and call it love.
I am not quite sure when you and me
became we, and us and ours.
You talk about forever
and I listen, halfheartedly.
While watching your lips move,
I plan ways of escaping.
You were too much
and yet, still not enough.
After awhile I questioned
why I was holding on so tight.
I held on until my fingers ached
and calluses formed,
and it no longer felt right.
I was choking on the silence
of all the words I wasn’t saying.
Slowly my heart became a tomb
and you, the mourner.
I am truly and deeply sorry for your loss.
we have lost our sobriety
drunk off each other.
i taste it when we kiss,
cancer dripping from your lips;
the poison consuming me.
i love the taste of you.
it is intoxicating,
each time your tongue touches mine,
i crave more.
slowly slipping, confusion settling in.
i am a stranger to myself.
lines blurred between lust and infatuation.
i can no longer tell the difference.
this is effortlessly painful,
and you have come to destroy me.
I believe life is hiding a secret from me
I don't think it's meant to be so heavy and equally so empty
I lie awake seeking the moon for answers, staring at sunsets falling asleep in oceans
I know it wants me to find it
With every breath I chase the passion that will help me discover it
Discover more than the mundane
I believe I'm one step closer, with every poem, every adventure, every photograph
Fueling with more fire every time,
so that it can simply just reveal itself
i hate layovers, the long stops
the nothingness of the in betweens
suffocating of boredom
surrounded by strangers
all anxiously waiting
there is a universal oneness here
regardless of race, religion or age
something which everyone endures
a temporary pause in time
where reflection is forced upon us
reminiscing of what we bid farewell to
and the hope, love, fear or excitement
awaiting us at our next stop
Layover at Istanbul after my Europe trip. Waited four hours for my next flight home to Cape Town, SA. Wrote this to pass the time
i have never liked jealous lovers
it's such trivial emotion
since being with you I feel it more
envious of the mundane
the sun that sees you first as you wake
the coffee cup that kisses you good morning
your work colleagues that spends hours with you
a smile, a look, a laugh I've missed
the moon that knows your midnight secrets
your sheets that touch every part of you whilst sleeping
i realise jealously makes me fragile
it means i will tolerate no rivals
it means i'm scared
of the very thought of losing you
i have been in this boat before
just going with the flow
not contemplating the course ahead
blissfully swaying with you
then the stream rocks a little louder
and we, exhilarated by its motion
invite its all consuming power
raging with the rivers of passion
we cascade with the water
not realizing we've reached the edge
and we fall.... deep and hard
along the way you let go of my hand
i wake in the dark, cold and alone
shimmer of light overhead
blurred by my tears
heartbroken I claw myself out;
out of this well of despair
Your mind is filled with beautiful things and I can listen to you for hours. Even your silence is comfortable. We somehow, in such a short time, just got each other.
My favorite moments with you is when my lips is settled on your collarbone, I close my eyes to the sound of your breath on my neck, and your heart beating against my chest.
I am intoxicated by your presence, it feels as if I'm swimming in the deep waters of you and I am unable to touch the bottom. It is equally frightening and exhilarating.
This whirlwind I feel is not butterflies in my stomach but rather a tornado erupting through my body; with every look, and kiss, and touch.
I must admit, the thought has crossed my mind; to simply melt into your arms and stay there, then I realise, it has only been twelve days.
It simply feels as if, we have always been.
I believe in love in spite of it all
in the resilience of the heart
I appreciate its ability to move on
I believe in fairy tales
and happily ever afters
In the magic of soulmates
As farfetched as it seems
I believe people are good
and can get lost in someone's smile
My eyes still search for the heart
that can keep time with mine
So yes I still believe
Yet I refuse to put my life on hold
whilst waiting for love
on this broken road I'm on
You are the gentle breeze on a roadtrip to nowhere. The sweet smell of rain after a few sunny days.
That cold thrill that shoots through my spine, as I run wide armed into the ocean.
You are the mix of all my favorite songs that I sing super loud in the shower.
The first star I see at night while talking to the moon.
You are my first cappuccino in the mornings and the last chocolate brownie on a dessert platter.
You are the simple things in life that puts a smile on my face... effortlessly making me happy.
I play our history like a broken record.
Trying to piece together
the exact moment I let you go,
unsure of how it happened.
I miss the us we had,
our conversations and silly jokes,
long silent hugs that feels like home,
and your smile that warms my heart.
I fear too much time has passed.
It drifted us so far apart,
erasing the way back to your arms.
I want you back by my side.
I'm holding onto forlorn hope
of dreams that only involves you
and all the endless possibilities
of what we could be...
the dutch colony ascended on our shores
replacing traditional african education on culture
with teaching slaves how to pray
we saw the deterioration of black schools
and state-mandated segregated curricula
whites being taught better than blacks
who was only destined for subservient jobs
policies of apartheid birthed the bantu education
and later forced us to learn languages
which was not our native tongue
the youth could no longer be silenced
soweto uprising saw them dying for the cause
we have protested throughout the decades
silenced by the apartheid government
with Mandela’s release we saw liberation, freedom, democracy
and a single education system, we were finally equal
however the legacy of black inferior education left a deep scar
which has still not healed
our parents not able to give us the education they were denied
now students are holding the government accountable
who promised free education for a vote
the movement trending as #feesmustfall
anger expressed by burning premises, striking and rioting
i believe in the cause but who are you really hurting?
why destroy the very universities that you are fighting for?
i pray for silence.
a quiet moment from the storm.
my mind possesed by unwritten lines
burdened by the weight of life.
i am unable to feel
beyond the thunder and trashing
of my own mind.
slowly losing myself.
chaos breeding inside my head
of words that are slowly dying.
my battle has always been
between overwhelming thoughts
accompanied by poems,
versus... not feeling anything at all
with pages left blank.
i prefer either the scorching passion
or the cold numbness.
this is much worse!
with each thought not articulated,
i'm missing pieces of myself;
which i can only find
in the calmness of writing.
i wait and wait to feel...
here i sit, blissfully numb;
emotionally switched off
experiencing my hurt and pain
through loved ones eyes
it's not that i can't feel
i choose not to
say what you want
it may not be right
but its right for me
when life threatens
to swallow me whole
i love the way we met
unbeknownst our paths aligned
and a mutual understanding was formed
it’s true that the best alliances are the ones
you never saw coming
i’m not quite sure what we are
perhaps just two people that chat
i really think we can be more than friends
you are someone
I would start a really small gang with
you can by my person
i’ll have your back
the pinch of daring I need
like tabasco and tequila chicken wings
beautiful in its unlikeliness
we wake the next morning
barely able to look at each other
torn between guilt and shame
replaying every decision
that led to this
i feel i need to apologise
for allowing you to jeopardise your forever
for a fleeting just-for-now moment
a moment purely born from lust
that made us forget who we are
this has truly shaken my core
my mind torn between the beautiful act
that consumed me for a few hours
and it's destructive consequences
my heart cries for the woman i betrayed
as much as the hatred i felt towards
the woman that did this to me once
when did i become her, the "other woman"
i hope you find your way back home
and the reasons why you strayed
now i need to say goodbye to you
to someone i never knew
a stranger i'll always remember
try to forget a memory
that will linger
like the bitter taste
of our unspoken secret
i don't know my mind
filled with fear and pain
i don't recognise the world I dwell
nor the person staring back in the mirror
it constantly feels like i'm stumbling
not knowing if i will ever catch myself
i spend my days staring at white walls
pacing the room, up and down
trying to leave my shadows behind me
but they're always stalking
you may not see my scars
my monsters are still real
even though they are invisible
they still rip me from the inside
the pills made the voices stop
now i'm surrounded by silence
the cage i'm held captive in
has become very lonely
we finally met
somehow I knew
nothing will ever be the same
my world has been divided
between before you
and after you
I have a dream
from which I refuse to wake
holding on to it so tight
that my reality is slowly fading
what drives me now
is what I see behind closed eyes
Titles do not impress me
what you do for a living
your bank balance or your car
the number of likes
or your amount of followers
these are lies that you regurgitate
to yourself that you've made it
self-approval for mediocrity
my question to you?
what does your heart ache for?
the more you focus on your dreams
the more the nine-to-five
only living for the weekend
occasional holiday *******
becomes a sad existence on repeat
is this it?
each time i ask myself this crucial question
the lyrics from a song
the artist and title unknown to me
keeps ringing in my head
"there's gotta be more to life
than chasing this temporary high"
sadly I judge others
that doesn't see the world like I do
that fills their dreams with excuses
but I cannot be angry with them
since my life as it is now
is not what I wish it to be
as the bible say
"let he who is without sin
cast the first stone"
I have my head in the clouds
and my feet cemented to the ground
every part of my being
wants to throw caution to the wind
but whispers of doubt
painstakingly reminds me
I have studied so long
worked so hard
for this career
that is slowly
******* the life out of me
like a dying patient
hooked up on ventilation machines
who's heart is slowly giving up
each time I silently scream
do not resuscitate
i sadly ignore my own plea
and the shock of my responsibilities
brings me back... to this reality
I still have a dream
from which I refuse to wake
unbeknownst to this world
outsider looking in
the arrogance surrounding me
oblivious to most
and easily ignored
for my skill is in books
and not in the well known
surrounded by immense talent
and the jealous meek
men that has learnt to walk
without having any feet
yet the stench of inequality
leaves a bitter taste
so easy to differentiate
the humble from the pack
more I pity the minions
wanting to be known
strip the fame and popularity
focus on them bare
will you still like the person
you've mounted in the air?
I walk across a barren field
air so cold it burns my lungs
while the earth cuts my feet
despite the pain I carry on
Finding my way
to where we once laid
during happier times
It feels so empty now
You are missing from me
and I from you
so here I will wait
Come find me, be quick
at the place only we know
before I drown on dry land
i am not your kind of perfect
i am strange and difficult
and somewhat terrifying to love
have some patience
just wait and endure
don't stray, strengthen your pursuit
you will find beauty
beyond the walls, for my waiting heart
albeit old scars may be evident
together the heartbreak of yesterday
will be buried beneath the ash of our pain
if after all this
when you finally see all of me
and love me still
i vow for the rest of our days
to throw caution to the wind
and stay true, to only you
i close my eyes
welcoming the darkness
drowning in hurt unbearable
bound and motionless
waiting for time to slow
and swallow me
here i lie covered
rooted in misery and despair
as a corpse waiting for burial
pleading silently for words
to will my spirits to lift
and set my sad soul free
i finally find my way through
after each fall i eventually rise
gracefully learning to cope
i am the book my son reads
and i often wonder what he sees
empty pages filled with the mundane
or a colourful piece of art
does he see my fearlessness
and my backbone made of steel
perhaps the circles under my eyes
will he understand that life
is filled with moments that startle you
to heed the call of the world
and every adventure that beckons
i often stare at my reflection and wonder
am i, what he would want aspire to
fervently grasp opportunities and believe
to not settle for mediocrity
each time i boubt myself
i silently promise him
every part of me will strive
to better the next chapter he reads
more often misunderstood than not
i dance in spectrums of gray
where right and wrong is blurred
and faded edges
complicates this maze
i get lost in my own mind
blissfully wandering off
fixating about trivial things
staring at the moon for hours
waiting for it to answer me
perhaps im too different
beautifully broken yet starry eyed
quiet demeanor with a chaotic mind
and you, unfortunately,
are too the same
oneday i will find the soul
that finds peace in all of me
and we will wonder
I need so say goodbye
I know it will take some time
slowly my name will fade from your lips
the labour of your love will turn to ash
all the pain that demands to be felt now
will soon be a distant memory
slowly I will be forgotten
oblivion is inevitable for me
my unconquerable heart
will repeat these words
to the next person that dares to love me
i always yearn to travel
homesick for places I've never seen
i chase the sun across the sky
to all the corners on earth calling me
i want to dig my feet in foreign soil
and breath the air of everywhere
awakening to new skies
and experience things that startle me
i want to meet new people
breath in perspectives and history
experience life through different eyes
and their points of view
i am not lost
between the here and there
the stops and long flights
my heart is always mindful of home
after each journey
my greatest souvenir...
all the places that made me discover
a little more of me
you are destruction
in your wake lies corpses of chaos
you bellow your fury like a beast
sparing no innocence
demolishing all in your path
enemies that you have conjured
i now understand why
storms are named after women
as you make deals with the devil
and continue to birth revenge
my world only understands harmony
try your best to break it
rather spend some time
to repair your broken soul
that's barely hanging on its hinges
I must confess
I fear to love entirely
and the inevitable
pain and misery it brings
perhaps my gypsy heart
was too often left out in the rain
and now, incapable to love
I hope I will find a heart
the dusty hallow space
where mine use to be
for I fear in the end
when death comes knocking
I never got to tell
my one true love story
The jagged edge of the arrow
penetrated my heart
What a fool Eros was
What was meant to be love
evolved into nothing
His apathetic ways
left me shivering
and I, to protect my exposed heart
What a fool Eros was
Upon accepting this painful truth
I ripped out the arrow
that was deeply anchored in my heart
and I slowly bled to death
falling inlove and the other person doesn't care, and you in turn pretend that you don't care
Chaos of my thoughts
refuses to settle.
I try to drown it in ink,
to calm it in poems
that paper can't handle.
Hours later, here I lie.
Kissing the darkness
pleading to starless skies,
the demons of my heart.
our conversations are shorter.
the excuses piling up,
intrigue slowly fading.
the scheduled hook ups
that never come to pass.
our busy life
a constant scurry
past each other.
have we shared too much
nothing left to discover
the distance in your voice
my lack of emotion
I refuse to hold on
while you letting go.
I'm letting go too then
I choose to be inhumane
undressed the layers of emotions
that occupied my heart
I need to breath
I choose not to care
allowing my mind to wander
beyond a single feeling
while others dwell blindly
in a perpetual repressive state
I observe beauty with a cold mind
destroy without hate
save without love
remain silent in a chaotic world
not be controlled by emotion. to not feel so deeply. not dwell on one emotion
We are similar. You and I.
We are layers of secrets
Chaotic intertwined emotions
A thousand thoughts colliding at once
We are lost within ourselves
I know what we are
I also know what we are not
Similar but not compatible
yesterday you said tomorrow
tomorrow I'll do this,
tomorrow I'll start that
how many tomorrows left in your box?
on your last tomorrow you'll wake up
with a box full of yesterdays
everyone has a story.
some, beautifully written.
others with torn pages and blotched ink.
you read, absorb, comprehend.
the fears and hopes and well hidden pain
the mountain of anger and regrets
the beautiful smiles masking lonely hearts.
after awhile you realise
in its cold uncomfortableness,
hurts if you give too much.
still you grow,
strong enough to love the world
yet empty enough to dine with its demons.
You boast about your life
With empty words that are not your own
As if each line memorised
from a well written script
A beautiful facade
Your arrogant demeanor and harsh words
A disguise you portray to the world
to make them believe you are in control
What a beautiful lie
I want you to know that I see you
Past the fakes smiles
and the sadness in your eyes
Through the cracks of your facetious wall
Amid the imperfections of your soul
I see the warmth in your heart
Gentle gestures of appreciation
I listen when you look at me
eyes filled with warmth
I allow you in my life
as I hope one day
everyone else will see you
The way I do
I find solace in writing but at present
the tide is too strong, waves too rough
to construe the ocean of despair
I find myself in from saying goodbye to you
this storm drifts me further out to sea
Once the wind has calmed, hopefully soon,
I will find my way to the shore and back to you
My words are trending
now I'm seen as a poet?
Your algorithm is flawed
that little sign offends me!
I dont write for you
I don't care to impress,
fame and glory is not what I seek.
I give voice to my world
with a pen as my weapon.
Bleeding onto pages
every feeling, emotion and thought,
bonding it forever in ink.
Profoundly thankful for the ability
to captivate with a spell of words
to weave together a phrase
that tugs at your heartstrings
I share what I feel
and see and hear and wonder
I am glad you can relate
however please bear in mind
this I do for my sanity not yours.
The most beautiful poems often don't trend!
We lock eyes across a swarm of strangers
and for brief moment time slowed
It is only your presence I notice
I force myself to look away but I can't
Content with being stuck in this moment
Compelled by your familiar eyes
Day after day we share these looks
Even when I don't see you
I feel your eyes upon me
As if pulled towards the gravity of your stare
Tempted to discover your intentions
Oneday I take in all of you
My eyes run over your entire body
and rests on your hands
Where I see the band on your wedding finger
My eyes drop to the floor
I have averted your gaze ever since
Your intense, passionate, all-consuming stares
Should be afforded to your wife, not me
you found the crack in my wall.
all of you has made its way in me.
beneath the well polished surface,
amidst the chaos and howling storms.
you feel at home.
comfortable in this awkward mess.
relating to my weirdness.
our demons nod in recognition.
we discover our compatibility
in our brokenness.