Thank you for Matching
the Tinder Call Center.
My name is Nick and I will be helping you with your order today.
And your name is?
Hello, Port Veritas
I'm so glad you called
because you do qualify
as one of the first 100 people
I find attractive!
So Where are you from?
Oh Wow, I've never been there,
you ever Been here to Bull Feeney's?
No? Well look at that,
I guess we've never been
too each others places before.
Looks like we have something
What was it on my profile that got you interested in swiping right?
Oh I see, you like love poems,
you like new shit,
you just wanna make everyone cry.
How long have you been interested in that?
Wow that's a long time.
What else have you tried
to hear love poems,
see new shit
and make people cry?
that's kinda fucked up Port Veritas.
That's really fucked up.
What's the worst part about dealing with that?
I see, well I'm glad you called.
Tell me a bit
why it's important
to do something about this now;
it's a little different for everyone.
I see, it's Valentine's day. There's a valentines open mic and LOVE SLAM Tonight!
I'm just gonna ask a couple quick questions to see if you qualify,
Will you all answer them for me?
Do You want sexy poetry?
Sexy poetry IS the best sticky note to receive in your eighth grade lunch box
Do you want Radical Self Love?
me too, let's keep looking
Do you want love Poetry?
You just want so many things from me that i can give you.
Do You want people to need a towel by the time you leave the stage!?
You're right, they shouldn't call it dry humping
You know, Port Veritas. I can't wait for you to watch this amazing show we have for you tonight.
As my profile states,
we're gonna give strangers this microphone for four minutes.
Where they are gonna say whatever the hell they want about terrible dates, passionate love, terribly passionate sex.
And that sounds great doesn't it?
Just imagine how wonderful it will feel when
you get up here
picture all these lovlies in their underwear
feel cold and alone
with nothing but your words
and a microphone
Then drop the god damned heat on us.
Imagine a chorus of FUCK
and Mmmm and snaps
THAT'S really why you swiped right today, isn't it Port Veritas?
Excellent! Let's get you started!
As you heard, we've put together a Special Package, with this Valentines open mic. A LOVE SLAM.
And an extra free second date when you try this First One for just your body.
Plus, since you're one of the first 100 people I find attractive,
I'm gonna throw in a Third date. so you get three, for the price of one!
And remember that swiping right on a Poetry slam is risk-free because it's backed by our 30-day Text you back guarentee.
So put your name on the sign up sheet.
next to your $3- $5 dollar suggested donation
bus your tables at the end of the night,
Tip your bartender Leah well for putting up with us every week.
use whatever bathroom you fucking want
and one last order of business
to wrap things up
like a good boy practicing
safe sex, who is totally not trying
To get you all pregnant.
when he asks how you like
Your eggs in the morning.
If someone gets up here and says
something during their four minutes
That makes you feel unsafe
you can do one of three things
1. Silently get up, leave the room and come back when you're comfortable
2. Get Nate or myself and tell us to provide floor for a calm discussion.
3. Go home write a fucking poem about it. and bring it back here next week!
WHO'S READY FOR A VALENTINE'S OPEN MIC?!
UP ON DECK