Paint me a picture with your words.
Sing me a melody so sweet.
Take me by the hand
And together we'll run.
Run straight to the moon
Where they can't reach.
We got the world in front of us.
The stars shine for us-
Cheer us on.
For the galaxy can't keep us apart
When you're holding half my heart.

what if who they expect, isn't me?
2. or better yet what if i try to be what they expect,
3. and lose track of who i am?
4. would you still love me if i wasn't me?
5. or better yet
6. would you love me even more?
7. if you answer yes to either of them,
8. forgive me for leaving,
9. but how can i stay
10. when the person you love isn't me anymore.

i will see you around sounds much better than goodbye.

You're the dream
      
          I don't
    
               Want to believe in anymore.

"Is it a crime to have some faith in me?"

it
took
me
sixty
two
days
to
realize
that
the
distance
between
you
and
me
is
not
measured
in
miles
but
rather
moments
.

it
took
me
two
thousand
and
fourteen
miles
of
roads
a­nd
highways
to
learn
that
you
are
not
home
to
me
.

yet
it
took­
me
twenty
minutes
to
read
between
the
lines
and
see
that
i
had
m­issed
the
fine
print
once
more
.

Just let me burn the night away.
Burn it like the bridge once laid.
Watch it turn to ash
As the wind
b
   l
     o
       w
          s
it
F      a      r
F                a              ­r
away.

i can't help but feel sad
over all the people i'll never get to meet.
never feel the calloused hands that have turned the earth inside and out
never see the eyes of those who have chased the sun, moon, and stars
never trace the constellations they weave in their heads.

this world is overrun with beautiful souls
but not enough me-
why can't i have more hands to hold the ones stretching out to me?
why can't i have more legs to carry me further across?
let me meet them halfway
between "what i know" and "what i could know."
let me go
i beg of you
please let me go.

there are so many beautiful souls
but not enough me-- not enough me.

so instead i will embrace the bodies before me
i will hold out my frail hands
and read theirs like they're the last book i'll ever read.
i will be afraid to blink
in hopes of watching every sunset they extend.
i will carry their hearts wherever i go
and wear their lives through each season.

It's all in your head,
They said.
All the thoughts.
All the figures.
All the shadows.
It's a figment of your imagination.
A mere variable added to the equation
That was never there.
From the start it was just you-
No one else
Nothing more.
One day
You built a safe haven
Because you wanted a place to hide.
On the next
You created a friend
Because you didn't want to be alone.
But you need to wake up-
Oh,
You must!
Child, wake up and see that this fantasy
Will never be your reality.
As good as it seems
It will never be.
Stop smelling the roses
And see the thorns that are pricking your side.
You think it's so sweet
But really it's just poison down your throat.
So wake up.
Wake up before this dream
Becomes your prison.

I want to surround myself with photographs at my feet.
I want to explore and have adventures with my camera in hand.
I want to get up early in the morning to see the sun rise and see drops of dew on the grass.
I want to walk around at night and see the city lights shine.
I want to count the stars as I lie down on a field of grass and play Us Against the World.
I want to write in a leather notebook all my thoughts.
I want to have a bonfire and watch all my memories burn in the flames.
I want to curl up on the couch and read as the sun warms my skin.
I want to sleep at 2 am and wake up to the birds chirping outside my window.
I want to remind myself of why I fell in love with photography and writing.
I want to go back to makes me me.

My dear Icarus,
Have you brought tales of gold for me?
You-- the master of self,
The one who held his own thread and shears.
Don't share of how hard you beat your wings
But how the air beat against your brow.
Don't echo your father's faded cries
But sing the songs of the Aegean sea--
Sing them only for me!

My sweet Icarus,
Is the world as grand as the travelers say?
Are crumbling maps and hand-spun tales nothing to compare?
I've read of Sicily, where your father rests his mourning head.
I've traced its rivers as they curved against my torn papyrus.
Sicily, the land of Aetna.
Oh, to watch the land shake at the beckoning of her call
(Oh, to fly free of these labyrinth walls)!

My darling Icarus,
Tell me-- is life better above the blanket of Grecian blue?
Is it better than what the Fates designed?
Is it better than what I hold today
(please, let it be more than today)?

My beloved Icarus,
Will you give me your wings--
The mingling of feather, wax, and dreams.
Will you give me your wings and
Your will to yearn higher and higher

So that I too can reach the city of gold.

Scrunched up words
Held in the palm of my hand.
Constrained
By own fears.
Forced to suffocate
Underneath the weight of themselves.

An ocean away
Can't keep our problems at bay.
It felt surreal holding my ticket
Just ten days ago.
A simple piece of paper
With simple black, blue, yellow, and red ink
And simple words and letters.
But this piece of paper whisked us a world away.
Took us to an island
Filled with people I didn't know
Places I've never been to
Feelings I wasn't accustomed with.
It was supposed to be an eighteen day escape
A trip to relax and, well,
Let go.
& to some extent it still is.
I've still got time to go to the beach,
Feel the waves lap at my feet,
And be somewhere other than home.
But reality has to come back into view somehow
Some day
In some sort of way.
It just always has to.
& with reality comes problems.
& with problems come worry.
& with worry comes feelings and choices
That I don't want to contend with.

I want to e                 x                 p                 a                 n                 d.
No- not like a balloon
Filled with hot hot air,
Brimming against latex
Pushing and pushing until there is no space.
No, see the the problem with balloons is that they're always on edge.
There's always a fear of gathering too much-
A load too heavy to be contained by simple material.

I want to e                 x                 p                 a                 n                 d.
No- not like a rubber band
On the wrist of a little girl,
Simple and strong,
Worn from the echoes of daily snapping.
No, see the problem with rubber bands is that they are stretched thin,
Pulled to make space for a larger load.
There is a constant tug for security,
But one tug is all it takes to break.

I want to e                 x                 p                 a                 n                 d.
Like heat changing ice into water.
Let there be a catalyst to invoke my transformation.
I want to be fluid-
Able to adapt to different patterns, different directions, different holds.
Let me seep into the cracks, the thin lines, the rigid turns.
Give me the chance to take on different roles
And explore different facets of who I can be.

I'm ready to e                 x                 p                 a                 n                 d.

A seed has been planted in my head.
Just a single
Solitary
Seed.
I pushed it aside and
B
u
r
i
e
d
It
Underneath a million other thoughts instead.
I tended my thoughts endlessly.
Watered
      them
          with
              doubts
                  excessively.
& let them bask in the light of insanity.

So they sat.

And sat.

And sat.

Slowly
R
  o
    o
      o
         t
           s
Dug down deep
And clung to every bad thought conceived.
They started from my head and curled down my spine-
Encased every inch of my being-
Until the person in the mirror
Wasn't me anymore.

You told me to forget,
So I forgot.
Forgot about the days in the summer sun,
The hours spent together.
As if we were next to each other.
I deleted traces of what you did-
Wiped them clean off my memory.
I don't need them anymore;
I'll be just fine without them.
So if someone were to say your name,
I won't think twice before answering.
The feelings won't flood back
Because they can't.
They'll have dried up into the atmosphere,
Leaving just me here on earth.
So I did what you told me.
I forgot.
Forgot all that you did.
But every word that you said-
It's echoing in my head.

"You cannot save him."*
I used to think that I could
Be a knight in shining armor
With my sword in the air and my head held higher.
I thought that I was better than what the mirror showed me.
***** streaks across my face?
            *War paint from my last battle.
Scuffed up shoes and calloused heels?
            Proof of a great highway escape.
Rope burns across my palms?
            A reminder of how strongly I held on.
However, someone should've called a magician because I’d become the next grand illusion.
            I was the backdrop
            The focal point
            The uneven lines
Which strained your eyes and made you feel as if something more was present.
But really— the trick was on me
            Because I wasn't a knight in shining armor but a child with a toy.
            I was a lifeguard who’d never learned how to swim.
            A fireman who choked on the flames.
            A therapist who’d never sat in her own chair.
*I was just a girl with a heart one size too big and mask worn too well.

there's a voice inside my head
that's screaming
raging for its death.
it's thrashing against the walls
clawing at the linings of the cage.

get it out

get it out

please get it out.

for i fear
it's going to be the death of me.
spreading from my head
to my body
like a poison
but one i can't seem to resist.

God, You are uprooting me.
You are taking me from a place where I knew everything
To a place where I don't know anything.
I don't know where to go
Or who to be.
I don't know people anymore-
Just names and faces.
I miss the comfort of my home-
The sweet relief knowing that I was surrounded
Embraced
Known
Loved.
I am human after all.
I like my comfort.
I relish my comfort.
I crave my comfort.
I protect my comfort.
But You?
You are taking me out of my comfort.
You have taken my hand and led me past the precious walls of my security.
You are breaking down my walls.
You are breaking down me.
& I am scared.
God, I am so scared
Because You have never asked this of me.
You have never told me to go four hundred and five miles away from home.
You have never told me to leave my family and friends and church.
You have never told me to uproot myself.
Yet that is exactly what I am doing.

God, you are uprooting me.
You have brought me to a place where I am forced to know nothing.
But
I'm starting to accept that my knowing nothing is right.
I need to know nothing
But You.

I am not yours
Nor can I ever be.
I am bound to this world
This earth
This terrain
While you-  
You are walking across the universe
On steps that I will never graze upon.

I envy the faces you pass-
People who don't even know your name
Yet are privileged to be in your presence
While I am here, clinging to the mere indentation of you on my bed.

I don't understand the logic behind this.
I know you.
I have seen you wake up in the early morning,
A sketch of hazy eyes and soft edges.
I have seen you thrash in the middle of the night,
Delirious and fevered from the demons in your head.
I've held your calloused hands
And mapped out your scars
To the constellations of the dark dark sky.
I knew all of that
And yet
I still could not be yours.

I don't need you
     (So why does this sweater still smell like you?).
I don't need you
     (So why do I walk the long way home?).
I don't need you
     (So why do I stall whenever I'm at the bottom of the hill?).
I don't need you
     (So why is your favorite song in my search?).
I don't need you
     (So why do I keep staying up late?).
I don't need you
     (So why is my phone on loud?).
I don't need you
     (So why do I keep looking at the door?).
I don't need you
     (So why do I have to keep reassuring myself?).
I don't **need you.

If I had a ticket out of town,
I'd make it one way.
Scrawl a letter goodbye
& leave it on your pillow as you're fast asleep.
Take one good look
And stash it deep inside my memory.
Coffee cup in hand
Suitcase in the other.
I climb into my car
And just drive.
Past the laundry mat
Past the library
Past the old school we knew and loved.
I'm lacking a destination
And a sense of direction.
Map's laid out on the passenger seat
But I've got my eyes on the road.
A blur of memories pass me by
As I inch closer towards the stop sign.
But I don't stop
Because I can't.
Cause If I do,
I'll never reach where I'm meant to be.

(& no, it was not like Martin Luther King, Jr.).
I had a dream that you had died
And I was still here.
I didn't even get to say goodbye.
So instead you said hello to a place I could never go.
You would think that I would have felt something-
Known that you had just let go.
Perhaps a tugging in my chest would have signaled
The pulling of strings-
The undoing of us.

But no,
I felt nothing
(just like you do now).

I didn't even have time to process or mourn properly
(if there is even such a thing)
Because the next frame was your funeral.
I sat in a pew in the back
And I couldn't remember if I was wearing the black dress you'd liked.
People were telling stories
Of who you were and what you did,
But I couldn't handle it.
I didn't want to hear about was and when and were.
I wanted to hear you.

We're stuck
Laying tangled in this mess we've made.
I'm pulling one way,
But so are you.
I don't know what else to do
To make you mine.
I can't figure it out.
Someone send me a sign.
Cause I'm slowly falling from cloud nine
On this Indian summer night.

The spaces between our fingers feel i n f i n i t e
Even though you're a mere an inch away.
But I guess that's where we'll always stand.
We're just two puzzles pieces to the same picture
But not the right match.
You were a chest to be unlocked,
But I couldn't be your key.
I opened my door to let you in,
But I don't think you were so certain
On what to do.
Would it have been such a crime
To stay the night.
Whisper secrets while under 3 am's spell.
Tell the things we kept inside our guarded hearts.
Would it have been such an unthinkable thought
To think
That second chances were possible
(Then again it felt more like three).
It could have been different-
It would have been.
But, sweet pea, like they say
Not everything's meant to be.
& one of those things apparently
Included you and me.

Like you were the back of my hand.
Didn't have to think twice
Or wonder about what words to use.
But now I can't even put two and two together.