Ups and Downs
Sideways, Inside-Out
But at the end of everyday i'm in your arms

You're just human
And I couldn't ask for more
Because my past is full of monsters
So human is a nice change

And I know it's not flashy or shiny
It's not perfect and pretty
But it's mine
And I wouldn't trade it for the world

I don't care if it is never like the movies
I've never been one for the silver screen
Because flowers fade and die but rocks are forever
And this is solid as rock

Tears and fits put you on edge
But you have no clue as you try to help me reach perfect
Just how far I've come with you
Because you shine so much brighter than the darkness in my heart

And I cant remember the last time I dreaded sunrise
Because the long nights of my past made morning a mere dream
But now I could lay in the darkness forever
As long as I have you by my side

I know you're not perfect
I'm not either
But at the end of the day you're perfect to me

Sometimes I wish something would happen
Not every day
Not even every week
Just every once in a while

One you hear it everything changes
Ever look every encounter
Because now I know
And you're the same as always
But it's just a silly little secret
And you'l never know that I know

In my dream i'm in his arms
In that same black dress
Barefoot in the soft grass
And we dance
We dance to the sound of the night
The soft crickets and the water's waves
And the steady beat of two hearts as one
And I'm lost in it all
Lost in your eyes and your voice
Lost in that soft black dress
Lost in the darkness of the night

Some days I can't believe you are in my life
You just seem so perfect
And I'm really not
I can't believe you love me
Tolerate me
And care for me
Even when I'm not at my best
And I know I don't deserve you
But for some reason you stay
And I'm so happy to have you in my life

Grab me
Hold me close
And look into my eyes
Sweep me off my feet
And kiss me like no tomorrow

I was standing in Walmart when I sent that text
Asking you to the dance  
Now when I asked you to the dance it was never an actual invitation to actually dance with you
Just a scared girl making a very small step
And you said yes
And I could not have been any happier
Now fast froward to that day and I couldn't take a single step in your direction
I didn't know how to face you
And so I left the money for you to get into the dance at the table and hid in the crowd
And soon you were in and I had to stop hiding  
You were funny as always and I loved it
You brought me out to dance and it was great
You made me feel like no one else ever had.
And the first slow dance came and I wasn't able to dance with you  
And I was so mad
But given time the second slow song came on
And in that moment I froze
It felt like forever had passed while I tried to think of what to do
And my brain panicked and said run
But my heart said dance
So in that moment I held out my hand
And you took it
And I was swept off my feet
And at the end of the night I wasn't ready to say goodbye
But like that night all things must end.

Oh?
So you're "over it"
I'm sure you are baby
But hear's the thing
I miss you
I miss you're smile
And miss your laugh
I miss always having lunch with you
And I miss never feeling alone
I miss the way you can turn a nightmare of a day into a dream
And I miss the way you play that beautiful music
I miss the dances
And the kisses
I miss the way you always built me up
And I miss the way you made me whole
And judging by the way you looked so shaken to see me
I think you miss me a little too.

We were supposed to be more than this
Once upon a time we were inseparable
But now you hardly know me
Just another faded memory in the back of your brain  
And what can I say
Every single day
We grow farther and farther apart
And life isn't fair that I know
But I thought it would be kinder
I thought maybe you'd get to stick around
But I was wrong
And who knew it would end like this
Because I never even thought it would end
And what can I say besides I'm sorry
I'm sorry you're gone
And I'm sorry I'm gone away
And I'm sorry it's all over

I know it's only a matter of time
Until I never see you again
But in that one moment I think I might a loved you
And as reckless as it is
I miss the way you gave me life
Despite what you were hoping to take
And i'm torn
As I wander through a house of memories

You are asleep night now
And I am right beside you
Your breathing is soft
Almost as soft as your skin
And I love you
I love it when you kiss my nose
And I love it when you hold me tight
I love how you are so vivid and fun
And I love how you make me feel alive
You fill a void in me
Breathe into me life when I just want to die
Give me hope when it all seems lost
You take away my pain
And someday I hope to do the same for you
But until then i'm just the girlfriend
So that will have to do

What more can I say
It's a violent kind of pain
The kind that never ends
And I have no one to blame but myself
Always pushing just a little farther
A little deeper
with dainty cuts
And horrid slashes
Blood was like water
And I was a river
Always flowing
Never ending
And we were one
The bleeding was me
And I was always bleeding

Slash in he morning to calm my nerves
Slash at night to put me to rest
Glass in my mouth while I sat in class
And every time it was to much the gentle push of my tongue
Feeling the roof of my mouth split
And the cold taste of blood

I miss the soft kiss of pain with every wound
And I miss feeling relaxed wile life poured from my wrists
I miss the pain and the misery

But it brought me no relief
Just a constant hunger for more
So today I fast from the pain
As I will tomorrow and the next day
And maybe one day
My wrists won't hurt anymore

I walk this empty street
And I can't help but wonder
Why it has to hurt so much
The pain of being alive
And I'll make another cut
Bleed in another ditch
But lastly
I'll think of you
With your warm voice
And your cold heart
And believe me
I can't wait to see you again

It binds us
Intertwines us
Flows through my veins
And down my legs
Builds me up
Only to break me down

It fills the void in my heart
With a warmth I've never known
Pours from the wounds left by a broken world
And reassures what I've always known
I'm nothing
Nothing without the pain

Perfect place to live
Yet so far from home

Perfect person to live with
Yet just as broken as me

Perfect job to be in
Yet a overwhelmed minority

Perfect person to love
Yet worried on how much time remains

Somehow I've found a way to get lost in you
And I may not have noticed it right away
But that's How I feel now without you
Lost
And I feel stupid for never realizing
Just how much of me included you
And I wish now more than ever that I could just hold you
And take away all the pain
Because I would give it all to not loose you

I can feel it coming
Slowly but surely
Laying here without you
And it is relentless
This sadness
This emptiness
And I never realized just how much I need you
And the tears are starting to form
I just pray they don't fall
Because I don't have time to cry

I'm counting the days
Minutes
Seconds
Until I can hold you again
Because I love you more than you could ever know

You looked so peaceful
Laying there
Silence except for the soft beeps and coughs on the floor
And I couldn't bring myself to leave you
Not even for a moment to close my eyes
You always seemed so strong
But here you looked frail
Strung up with wires and tubes
Eventually I grew tired of trying to stay busy
So I went to the window
And the lights love
You should have seen them
They were so brilliant and so quiet
Soft unlike every emotion flooding my heart
They were just like I remembered
Just like the first time I showed you the lights
And I didn't know it then
Just how much I love you now

You always are there for me
You care
And you love me

But i'm always a disaster
A mess
And a monster

And I don't know if I can let myself lead you on any longer

Swallow my tears,
And swallow my pride,
While this darkness Swallows me up inside.

So a funny thing happened
I had *** with a boy
Sounds common enough right
Except this boy wasn't my boyfriend
I'll give you a moment to let that sink in

*****
****
Harlot
Really I've heard it all
But won't you please listen
Because every story has two sides

I was drunk
Off my *** really
And what had started as a fun night was coming to and end
Walked with my friend up from the shore
And walked him to his car
Except he was farther off his *** than I
I stole his keys and hid them in my purse
Because I wasn't going to let him drive home
**** himself and the girl in his backseat
So we went into the house
Down into the basement with all the other children
And we shared a mattress on the floor
Just like everyone else
And one by one we began to pass out
Until it was just me and him

I wasn't afraid
I had grown up along side him
I knew all his secrets
And he knew mine
So we talked, and we talked and I don't remember when it changed
When the wheels began to turn
When I lost my shorts
I don't remember when his hands landed on my body
And my memory begins to fade
And I know my heart began to race
And my body became aware of every single movement all at once
And I think I was a tease
I think I was too much
And before I knew it he was on me
Fumbling around and I told him just a little please and
I told him no ***
And then it happened
I'll be the first to admit I don't know what I said to be exact
I don't think I said I changed my mind though
And I know I didn't say no
But it's hard to say anything when you can barley breathe
And then I just shut down
Body did the hard reset and I just blacked out
I know I momentarily woke up when you crawled off of me sobbing
A moment of haze before I was back into darkness

And I woke up and he was gone
And I as alone
I made the call to my boyfriend
A man I loved more than anything
I panicked
I told him I cheated on him
That I was sorry and that it was a mistake
And he accepted it, but he didn't accept me
I was a disgrace
Still am

But yes I had *** with a man
But it wasn't *** like you would know it
It was *** spelled with four letters
R A P E
So call me what you will
But you can never hate me as much as I hate myself so don't even try
With that being said goodnight and goodbye

His eyes were like Labrodite
Beautiful in their own way
Cracks full of color
The only thing holding darkness at bay

His eyes were like Beryllium
The brightest blue I'd ever seen
Like blue skies on the horizon of tomorrow
The day leading you away from me

His eyes are like Sodalite
They come from both the darkness and the light
They are a muddled beautiful blue
The are unique just like you

Your words are lingering in my mind
And I can't help but wonder if you're right
If you're not meant to be mine
Because I've been wrong before
And I see the way you look at her
And i'm stranded in this island in my mind
No ship of hope in sight
Because I thought just maybe paradise would last forever
But I am now forced to recognize it
An inevitable storm on the distance
And it might just tear us apart
but if it doesn't well stand strong together
Because then you were meant to be mine

Some people get to be pretty
And some get to be smart
I don't get to be either
So I have to fight with my whole heart

To some thinking comes easy
It's what their brain is meant to do
My brain is rather stupid
Even the simplest concepts seem new

Some people are dashing
Their looks speak beyond words
My looks wouldn't win first second
Not even third

Nothing has been easy
And that makes me tough
Cause I'm one hell of a woman
And all that fun stuff

I know what caught your eye
Curved hips, dark hair and small dainty eyes
Aren't my eyes really something
You've probably never seen them though
Too busy looking at my chest

I love the way you call me baby
Sounds so sweet in your voice
The same voice you use on those 20 other girls
That's right I know
We all do, you're not really that clever

Well even if you're stupid at least you're cute
That silly smile of yours
And muscles for days
They really make up for the absolute lack of personality
But hey, at least you're a **** empty husk of a man

It's so sweet you're always willing to talk
Staying up late on the phone
Just get's tiresome with you always asking for nudes
I wish someone had taught you basic English
Maybe then you'd understand the word no

Two years ago I learned a lesson
But it didn't make sense until today

Three little dogs out in the snow
Roxy was short and round, but she was strong with red fur
Bumble and Sparky were smaller still and just wanted to have fun
And after a few minutes shrill barks filled the air
Bumble called for help as his brother was being torn apart
Roxy had him at his throat
The snow was red with blood
So I grabbed the beast
And timid Sparky tried to run away
Blood poured from his throat

Now as day turned into night
Bumble and Sparky were safe inside
Roxy was out in the cold
She wasn't safe and had to go
Bumble sat the whole night waiting for his brother
And sparky lay wrapped in his mother's arms
Trying to keep it together

There are two kinds of people in this world
That I now know
You either tear out the throats of the innocent
Or keep your head down and try protect your own

Too tired to function
Too awake to sleep
Caught in this limbo
Memories running on repeat

Before The night calls
I hope to break through
All of this darkness
And find my way to you

Daylight is a matter of hours away
And yet I am not not yet where I need to be
So hold me close
And help me to see

Thought all of this darkness
Bring me the light
Only together
Can we conquer the night

It was in your arms like I always am that I had my first nightmare starring you

It started simple enough
Wake up like we always do
You off to class and me back off to sleep
And then the ringing began
Ringing in my ears
The phone
And I heard her tell me
The news
Every detail
Every fact
And I felt sick
So I went to get up
Get dressed and put myself into something that resembles a human being
Just like I always do
Except I couldn't
I was frozen there
Suspended in that dark dream unable to move
You were dying
An accident and you were dying
Bleeding out body failing and just dying
And I couldn't get to you
Couldn't talk to you
Couldn't hold you
I remained frozen by the sick twist of a dream
And I cried
Feeling as each part of my heart broke
Shattered like glass on pavement
And you were gone

I'm hitting the realization that I might just be truly alone
And I know that sounds scary
Because loneliness is tragic
But my life is a tragedy so its rather fitting
And for once it doesn't bother me
Because friends are temporary excuses for a good time
And life is a solo mission
So fly me to the moon
But my plus one
It's empty

I guess you could say I hate you
But hate Doesn't feel quite right
After all there was a time once
I wanted nothing more than you in my life

And  know it was never nothing
Because nothing isn't something to cry about
But isn't it sad
Sad to see it all die out

It's a bitter sting now
Because as much as you frustrate me
You were the only one who believed
You showed me how to see

And days turn to months
And months to years
I hope you forget
All your fears

So it's not a goodbye
So much as a see you for now
But when the world sets me back in your court
Don't expect me to bow

I can recognize the smell in this room
It's a familiar smell
An old smell
A smell I used to bury my face into
And just close my eyes and drift away
But somethings changed
Its grown distant
And its grown cold
And I think it may have loved me once
But I will never truly know

I'm sorry for a lot of things
But i'm mostly sorry for my lies
You know the simple ones
Like saying I'm alright when I just want to die

I'm so sorry
I'm sorry I told you to go away when I needed you most
And I'm sorry I was never much
There and gone just like a ghost

The sky is dark and full of stars
The same stars you love
The same stars we loved

But soon the sun will rise
And darkness will die
And there you will be
Right in front of me

I feel like I've had this conversation before
But here we go again

Run

Run like your life depends on it

Run as though you are outrunning death itself

Because I fear it has only begun
The tragedy of life
This is the play
And we are in act one

I was 10 years old
I was an excellent reader
Ahead of my age
I could read for hours a day
Books each night
I was sitting in class that day
Reading aloud
And noting looked different to me
In my mind every word was right where it should be
And mid-sentence I heard it
The shrill voice yelling to read it how it was written
But I was reading it how I saw it in my own eyes
Only my eyes were wrong
Mixed matched and all around wrong
And as smart as I might have been
I was never the right kind of smart

It has been twenty days since I saw you
That boils down to about...
...480 hours
...28,800 minutes
...1,728,000 seconds
Not to mention a whole lot of missing you

I've torn up the letters
And burned the notes
You don't get to see what I said
Or know what I wrote

Time is no friend
It brings only pain
And I feel what I say
Has nothing to gain

It hurts a little less now
And as days turn into years
You will forget a great deal
But will you remember the girl in tears

As light begins to fade
Darkness
Emptiness
It all takes shape

The winds begin to change
So much colder now
Sinking deeper now

Look out below

The seasons start to change
It goes faster now
Stranger now

My dear nothing is the same
Just close your eyes
Say goodbye

Look out below

It goes faster
And harder
And deeper now

And its darker
And colder
And wicked out

But you are stronger
And braver
And better now

My dear you know
you'll get out

As darkness begins to fade
Light shines on a brand new day

The world begins to change
So much brighter now
There is beauty now

Look up now
Stand up now
You're free now

Shut down, get up
Over and over again
Lights out, enough
I can still see you, a shadow in the light
I can still feel you, closer than ever before

So just close your eyes
Let it  just fall in
Breathe now
Over and over again
There's no time like this
No time like now

Just let go and wake up

Maybe it's the way your smile captivates me
The way your words help me to see
The way your existence allows me to be

Could it be the depth in your eyes
The absence of lies
The way I hate to say goodbye

By chance is it the music you play
The powerful words you say
The way you make my day

Possibly the connection I feel
The way you seem so surreal
The ability you have to make my heart kneel

I hear the music, your voice, and your heart
I know i'm safe even when we're apart
I love every smile, every kiss, every touch
You make me into something I could only dream of being
Some kind of dazzling creature
But it's deceiving
I fear you have fooled yourself along with me
Hoping for something that cannot yet be
And I blindly fall for it
I hope and I pray there there is a way
To strip my dreams of their fictional title
I am so afraid to overstep you
To scare you away, to ultimately lose
I’ve never known anything quite this good
I don’t want it to end, though it could

And suddenly one day i’m no longer dazzling
I'm simply plain and weak and blind
I’m afraid, and I don't know what to do
I’ve never had anyone like me so long
Though my invincibility will soon be gone
I panic and stumble and try really hard
But you're getting farther and farther away
I miss your kisses, and all of your love
I miss being special and something worth love

I feel so broke now
So unsure and afraid
I don't know what I did to ruin it all

Staring back into my own eyes
Feeling nothing
Shut out the whole world
Fading away

We rise and we fall as the hills turn to dust
We sink or we swim, we do as we must
As hard as I try, I barely survive
Fading away

Don’t be fooled as my lips lay still
The internal scream is deafening
This continuous motion
I feel it crumbling