you wrote me
into your past
it is there
i will stay

So it's been 6 years
Almost 7 now
I still remember that day
How it broke me somehow
But look what I did
I made it out
Look what I did
This is me walking out

The things we find most beautiful
Can pull us under
The waves in the ocean
The green in his eyes
Both seas full of mystery
Strokes of humanity
What lies deep beneath those waters?
A deep unknown
It’s the only time
A mystery brings comfort
And though I love the ocean
And I’m lost in his eyes
I wouldn’t dare trespass
Into the abyss of time

demons
hold me back

tether me away from the outside world

i can't go out there

don't make me go

my mind is eerie
but i know what to expect

these demons are my friends
they know me best

why did you decide
to make my body home

stop pounding on my chest
i know you're not alone

there are millions of you

only one of me

i'm outnumbered

please
just set me free

there have
always
been oceans
between
us
even as we
lie
in the crevice
of
each other’s
arms

You held the knife
as I guided it into my own heart
The first time was painful;
stinging as it pierced through my skin,
paying no mind to the bones that lived there

I placed all the blame on you
But still, you kept that knife
And you learned how to use it without my guidance
Again and again

You wanted to help stitch me back together
But you don't have the expertise
So you used tape
With the slightest movement the tape would fall;
taking me with it

And I've never healed
A scar will always remain

i don't
wake up
when my eyes
open
i haven't
been awake
for some time
now

don't say
that you're
leaving
even if
you think
you have
to go

i've felt your arms around me before;
many times at that,
only pulling you close
when i was afraid that you'd leave

but only once or twice
would i call it a hug
and it's not because i didn't want to,
believe me, i did
but the touch of another human
startles me most,
when i see that it's coming

allowing myself
to be intertwined in another's arms
sends my body into a battle with euphoria
having to decide;
am i trapped
or am i free

It's been a year since you've left
maybe even longer than that
You were already gone
had your bags already packed

You waited for the day
when you could let your demons die
but along with them
was a beautiful light

The light is gone now
but somehow it still lives on
I see it right here
It's on the side of my arm

Creep is the word
it reminds me of you
A short-lived friendship
5 letters gone too soon

People don't know
when they look at me
the pain in each letter
the ones you set free

I'll carry it for you
and remember your name
murdered by demons
such a ******* shame

i’ve always had an aversion to crowded spaces
it's not something i enjoy
and how can i
when my mind is crowded too

the more people that surround me,
the more i’m aware i exist

eyes meet mine and watch me as i move
i look away after that
so their hands can’t hurt me
and their hearts can’t love me

i fall back into the shadows
leaving one crowd, for another
self-sabotage, they call it
having no intention to change

always between two fires
getting burned either way

i found the most solace
in the mornings
as the sun covered the sky
and the evenings
as the hours of daylight dwindled

these two moments
slowly became
my only
reliable constant

the only thing
to accompany
the darkness
that engulfed me

i loved a man once
who never loved me back
i wish i could say my love was pure
it was not
i loved who you were
or maybe who i thought you to be
because the real you was now here
standing in front me

i didn't feel that love that i had so thought i would
it was in my imagination
pieced together with delusion
this is what you feared most
why you never let yourself fall
you saw right through me
and i'm sorry it took this long
it isn't simple
it's a convoluted path
but i finally got here
i hope you're ok with that

you weave
my words
into a noose
around your neck

i watch
from below
as you take
your last step

the same water
that burns me to oblivion,
restores my aching bones
the same hands that
strangle my neck,
caress me when my eyes close
the same body
that once was a stranger,
now feels like home

they lie to you
when they say
you have to love yourself
before you can be loved
by others

you are worthy
of love
even if
clouds
obscure your view,
& even when
demons
tell you otherwise

you come to me
in a dream

things are as they should be

waking up
with an urge
to make this dream
come to life

my mind tells me it's a sign

funny, isn't it?
dreams are only a sign
when they align
with my desires

saturated with uncertainty
**** these dreams

my mind;
my enemy
please
steer me in the right direction

how much
of your life
has been decided
for you?

co-constructed
by the passing faces
on sidewalks

all life travelers
traversing dual rivers

what is
and
what shouldn't be

how often
do you enter
forbidden
territory?

blood from our wounds paints a picture
admired only as it hangs on a wall
smell, touch, taste, and sound
all futile in this moment
sight only, is what guides us
far away we stood, admiring the red saturated strokes that told our story
an impasto of textures, you didn't need to touch to understand
reaching out
we watched paralyzed version of ourselves
fall into recollection
of the pain, the joy, and the solace we once knew

god it hurts
to be filled with so much love
when you don’t know how to show it

in my head I can say it effortlessly
but I freeze as you’re standing in front of me

we can be at the same places
at the same times
but no two people
will ever experience it the same
one mind sees chaos
another is at peace
one sees growth
another is dormant
which one sees clearly;
if either at all?
perhaps both only live in a cloud of obscurity
each guarded in their own way
too close to see actuality
& embroiling what is simple
nevertheless
they choose to walk away
at odds with themselves & the world as they see it

-they- come in waves
dark shadows
among the daylight

haven't they been
drenched in the darkness for long enough?

armed with egos and weapons
first -they- stand in front of you
then -they- plow through you

a moronic display
of the truth that they’re screaming

i let my hair down for you
because that's how you like it
tousled in my face
imitating life's chaos
a chaos we cling to
because we don't know any different

still telling ourselves
that we crave stability
but we know how the story goes
seeking comfort
loathing change
forgetting that our comfort lies in pain

imposters we've become
pawns in our own game
having yet to learn
that bliss only follows
those who let go

enduring a new kind of angst
but only for a moment
then letting it pass
and living to adore it

there was a time
when i called this place home
onward and upward
a steady stride kept

i was blindly unaware
that this 'home' was not safe

had it been,
it wouldn't feel
so unfamiliar now

this is what happens
when forward is the only direction you know
never in one place long enough
to know what home is

i'm stagnant now
moving in no direction
learning only
what home is not

it's not where my head lies
not where my past lives
only somewhere in the future
i'll find what home is

i can't help but wonder,
how many times i've been here before.
saying the same words,
while sitting on the same bed

each time was supposed to be the last

i can't help but wonder,
why you do the things you do.
sometimes you tell me to go,
other times i'm supposed to stay

and i can't help but wonder,
what's in it for you?

we don't kiss
anymore
and i don't feel love
anymore

you keep me close
but never close enough
and
you speak words
without saying much of anything at all

so, i can't help but wonder,
when will i sit on this bed for the last time?
and when will i believe these words that i say?

we gravitate towards pretty things;
butterflies
and flowers,
but the ugly things
we hate
ants and beetles,
all insects alike
but we are quick to fling them away
killing them with one stomp
but when a butterfly lands on our shoulder
we take it as good luck

if the world didn't teach us
that we have to be pretty
if we want to be loved
would we still be petrified
of the creatures that surround us?

i feel sick today
not cold chills
or a runny nose
not body aches
or a sore throat

i feel sick today
no not in that way
it's my mind, not my body
that is beginning to stray

i feel sick today
but i can't describe it
it's cloudy for some reason
i don't recognize it

i feel sick today
but tomorrow will be better
this just happens sometimes
i’m sure it won't be forever

i'm not a poet
or a magnificent creature
i am but one of many
with knowledge to learn

i string words together
with the meaning you’ve assigned them

i write and rewrite
until i see myself on paper

my palms become stained with ink
as i sort through the jungle of my thoughts

no, i'm not a poet
just an inhabitant of earth
i am but one of many
with knowledge to learn

I make these decisions
in the heat of the moment

contemplation is non-existent
my fear is my opponent

stuck in an endless cycle of trepidation
no rights or wrongs
have found themselves in this equation

but to bathe in the what ifs
would force my head under

no air to breathe
and still left to wonder

so these decisions are made
sporadic as they come

I won't be transfixed
you'll find me on the run

the moon
&
the ocean
remind us
that the things we know
will never
come close
to surpassing the things
that we don’t

there you are
sleeping in my mind again
second-guessing your presence
still hurts every now and then

a long-term visitor
overstaying your welcome
my heart was your home
now that feeling is seldom

the blame is on me
it's my fault in the end
there's no disguising that
i'm the one who invited you in

how
can i find
my way
out of your arms
when
your eyes
are asking me
to stay

I don’t recall what it’s like
To feel hands intertwined with mine

Accustomed to loneliness
Staring at empty spaces
Only you can fill

Because I’d rather drown in your pain
Than breathe in the air of a lonesome body

You wore camouflage
I was in neon blue
You set your sights on me
But I couldn't see you
You took one shot
And then served me on a platter
You had me all to yourself
It's like I didn't matter
Is that all I am?
Just a piece of meat
Is that all I am?
Now obsolete

You're a victim
a poor, helpless
victim
You're a survivor,
you made it through

Feel grateful
it could've been worse
you could've been killed
well
I was

I was shot

Right through the naive wall
that was supposed to protect me

I was shot

By a man who knew my vulnerability

I tried to dodge the bullets
With every "no",
I shielded my face from the bullets coming at me
With every "stop",
I ducked my head
And with every moment of paralyzed silence
I failed to defend myself

I was shot

i want
to feel death
hold it in my palm
taste the bitterness
then
let it go
find
what it means
to live

“I
Love
You “

Those were the words
That never left my lips

They were always there
Sitting on the edge
A daunting drop
Awaiting the ground beneath them

Those were the words  
That never came out

It didn’t feel safe

And so I’m still waiting
for a day
that will never come

But if you can hear me now
know
That I loved you yesterday
and I will love you
until there are no more
tomorrows

i feel the most like myself
when it's just me and four walls;
red rivers in my eyes,
getting lost in a cavern of thoughts

nobody's here but me;
i invite them, though
and i understand when they don't want to enter
because it's cold and dark in here;
you need a flashlight just to see what's right in front of you

but i've avoided these pillars of light
for ages it seems
because when i introduce light to the darkness
all i can see is desolation

i've tried to reject this reality,
to find a new normal
getting so close
but always being turned away
almost like i'm not meant to have happiness

or maybe i just can't handle the light

They tell me
To find the light
In all of my darkness

But wouldn’t I see
Any light peaking through
And wouldn’t I notice
Such a marvelous sign

I tell them they’re crazy
Only darkness lives here
I’ll know when there’s light
It’ll find me on its own

You don’t have to worry
This is just life
Don’t think about it too much
I’ll be alright

i started writing in all lower case
because capital letters were too much
too heavy
and too proper

marking the start of a thought
that's what they're supposed to do
but when i think about emotion
and conveying what's in my mind
there's no clear beginning
and never an end either

these words are just as they are
they manifest my thoughts
at least to some degree
and they showcase my emotion
in this moment at least

i want to use these words
these symbols of life
just how i picture them
and just how i feel them

maybe you see it differently
and i would expect that much
because if we all had the same mind
i don't think we'd crave each other's touch

i thought
i was
moving
forward
but it was
just the world
moving
around me

If Satan
were really
the Devil
he wouldn't punish
bad people
it's a myth
you see
that evil lies
in the darkest
of nights
so don't be worried
when the nightmares
bring comfort
a familiar darkness
no longer afraid
safety can be found
in the arms of the shadows

how is it
that
I would do
anything
to please you
yet
I can’t
find it in me
to
please
myself

every time
i see a blue
pick-up truck
i flinch
even though
i know
you don't drive
one anymore